I knew today would be hard

[PhoenixRising15]

I had no idea how hard though.

This is the second time I've tried to write this post.

I can't stop crying.

I'm convinced that I'm the sick one, and I'm finding it harder to believe anything else the more I read, or do.  That I'm actually BPD and she is just an immature 19 year old.

Today I had thoughts of ending it all. A lot of thoughts.

If I'm really this broken, why do I even bother trying anymore?

I tried so hard to recover from my past abuses, to become happy and emotionally healthy, and maybe im just still a messed up crazy person.

No, this isn't a cry for help.  If I wanted to end it, I would do it without posting on this forum.

No, I don't have anyone I can trust and turn to.

NO ONE GETS IT.  WHICH MEANS EITHER I'M CRAZY OR SHE'S CRAZY. SHE SEEMS TO BE DOING OKAY SO THAT ONLY LEAVES ONE LOGICAL EXPLANATION.

so what the hit do i do now?

[UnLuckyLady]

You post every hour on the hour if you have to.  My family simply cannot grasp what it is I've been through... .emotional murder. I HAVE to use these boards so it doesnt seem so damn personal to me.  Shoulda woulda coulda runs through my brain every day... .along with anger, pity and hopelessness. 

Stay here... .with us fellow faceless friends who have been through or are going through exactly what you are going through... .we may all feel so alone... .but is dorky as it sounds... .we really do have each others backs.

Post post post away my friend... .

[lightswitch]

It was pretty awesome of you to post even though you really didn't want to.  I can't believe how much of a tether these posts are.  I have encountered a LOT of misinformation or general lack of education about BPD, so it's been super helpful to put the facts ahead of all the feelings.  Persevering can feel like an unimaginable amount of pain, and it is painful. I've had to read and re-read to keep myself above water; and that's ok. I have learned to turn all the self-destructive voices down to a dull roar and look at what those negative voices really are; they're mental bait. Bait to keep me in a non-recovery mode.  It is a comfort to know that the complete insanity of this mental illness has a face and a name, etc., and that as trite as it sounds, you're not alone in this.  Keep reaching out and seek outside support as well so you can get the support you need to get through the pain, confusion and desire to 'check out'.  IT WILL GET BETTER. Fight for your basic need for security and joy. 

[toomanytears]

Hello QuestioningFaith - I really feel for your pain

No, I don't have anyone I can trust and turn to.

NO ONE GETS IT.  WHICH MEANS EITHER I'M CRAZY OR SHE'S CRAZY. SHE SEEMS TO BE DOING OKAY SO THAT ONLY LEAVES ONE LOGICAL EXPLANATION.

so what the  do i do now?

But listen, we get it. We really do. Like the other folks on this board, we've all reached rock bottom, some of us, over and over. The tears I've spilled! It's been agony, sheer, heart-tearing agony. But it's all part of the crazy-making that the BPD illness infects us with.

For me it's getting less and less by the day.  And at last I'm thinking my name doesn't fit me anymore.

Being very proactive has helped. Doing stuff I've never done before then tracking how it makes me feel.

You could try this: keep a mood diary, note down your feelings after actions, and you'll probably see that after you've done something active or positive like exercise, cleaning out a drawer, ringing a friend, you'll feel better. Start very small, with little things that take hardly any effort, then work up.

And read this board - there is so much great advice, not only in the posts but the articles too. And youtube has some good stuff. Fill your head with the knowledge that others are going through the same and you are not alone.

Hang on in there - it gets better, it really does. And we are here for you. Keep posting.

[Ironmanrises]

Question... .

We get you.

We know how mind bending... .

And excruciating... .

And saddening... .

All of this is.

My brother... .

We feel your pain.

The behavior... .

The onslaught... .

You experienced... .

From your ex... .

I get it.

Your tears... .

Are my tears.

They rise... .

And fall... .

The same.

Stemming from the same... .

Origin.

I know you are hurting.

Your words... .

Echo... .

And vibrate... .

That.

Stay here... .

With us... .

Fellow Nons... .

Who understand you fully.

Vent on here.

Let it out.

We won't turn from you.


You know you are not alone... .

Brother.

[isseeu]

QuestioningFaith,

What do you do now?  Exactly what you are doing.  Feel the pain, express it, stay here with us-we get it, we really do.

It's so hard to know what to say-it seems like the words are too simple, or not enough.

You are having a very very bad day-they will NOT all be like this.  I'm getting there.  In fact, after 4 months of silence from him-after a fantastic (well, you know-with the red flags flapping in the breeze and me ignoring them) I only just now feel my energy and love of life back.  I'm so glad I'm ME and not HIM.  We can feel and process the pain and get to the other side.  You will get there... .we all will.

sigh.  I'm so sorry... .   Be very very gentle with yourself.

[Learning2Thrive]

  QF... .

You said you knew today would be hard but you didn't know how hard.  Tell us about today and what happened. What was so hard about today? (My apologies if you posted that info elsewhere, I've been away at work and haven't checked the board since yesterday.) We will listen and understand. We've been there.  We do understand. 

Some days just suck so bad.  I'm sorry you're going through this right now.  Hang in there.  You are important and you have a lot to offer the world in this life.  You make a difference.  The choices you make... .they make a difference. It's time to choose you.  You are worth the effort.  You are here for a reason.

Hugs and smiles... .

[PhoenixRising15]

Today was a special day for us.  We had a lot planned around today before it all ended.

I don't want to get into details for anonymity's sake.

I just couldn't stop thinking about her.  About how much I know now.  I can't let myself off the hook now.  I look at every interaction and see my own fault in it.

I want to call her and say I'm sorry.

The last time we spoke, she dumped me, and I told her I couldn't go back if she ended it like this.

She called and called after that, wrote me an email apology, seemed very sincere, but it was too late by then.  All my trust was broken.  I had nothing to hold onto anymore.

Today was hard because I just kept thinking WHY? Why did I have to see something I really liked and no matter what I seemed to do it failed?  Why didn't I walk away sooner with my dignity and self respect intact and give her some time to pull her stuff together and try again later?

I can't even bear to look at her now.  I can imagine no future with her.  She burned that bridge of any ego of mine.

There are so many more things and questions but my head hurts from crying so much.  I'm just going to try to shut my eyes and give myself a break for now.

[Learning_curve74]

Hey QF, I'm so sorry you're feeling so down. I want to give you a big hug... . 

I know you're feeling "broken" like there's something abnormal with you and that you're in pain. I think the pain actually means you're "normal" because "normal" people feel really hurt and confused when things like this happen.

You said how today was a special day and that you had a lot of plans. It sounds like you had dreams for the future with her. And now you're grieving the loss of those dreams. It's a real loss and it is real grief that you are feeling, QF. You have every right to grieve. Just keep hanging in there. 

[houseofswans]

QF - keep posting my friend, just keep posting. We are all here to help each other.

Personally, I don't post often enough 

But when I do, there are people just like you and me who KNOW exactly how you are feeling and are willing to give you as much advice, encouragement and love that you need.

Try and stay strong 

[LA4610]

i feel your pain. your posts are almost as if i wrote them myself. so do these other people. your not crazy, your normal. BPD's do this to people. as the previous poster said "we have been through emotional murder

[Jbt857]

QF - know you're not alone.

I'm having one of those days too. Most times, my days are somewhere between okay and pretty good. Today I woke up in a funk and have been in tears on and off. I'm feeling really down, just like it happened yesterday, not 8 months ago.

It just feels so damn unfair. How they can just walk away and onto the next thing without a backwards glance, while we're here grieving the loss, picking up the pieces, figuring out how the hell we got here in the first place and how to cure ourselves from what led us to our pwBPD in the first place and how to rid ourselves of all the crap they threw at us along the way.

I guess questioning why we're even bothering is pretty normal. And I think we've all questioned whether the problem was us. In part it is - that our own issues attracted us to them in the first place. But when we feel like this, it's easy to forget that they aren't just onto the next and doing fine, whatever they are portraying. That BPD repeats and what we are imagining they have now is only an illusion, even if they believe it themselves right now. Not that objectively seeing that BPD is inevitably going to destroy their next relationship is a comfort.

It sucks.

Some days, it just really sucks, my friend.