high functioning BPD partner

[Depression = 72% of members]

I stayed in the abusive relationship for 12 years.  I knew there was something wrong with my ex HF/BPD from the onset.  But assumed as intelligent as she was, and with love and care, she would be capable of self transformation. 

Later, when I came to the realization that staying with her severely affected my quality of life and emotional well being, I stayed in the marriage to protect the kids, to stop her from destroying in my children what I let her destroy in me.  But eventually, I came to the realization that to help my children, I needed to regain my own lost sense of self worth and confidence.  The marriage is ended now, and I am getting help and getting better.

I always knew she was in denial when she shouted, "There is nothing wrong with me, there is something wrong with you".  Finding this website and other information about BPD, and to know that my experience was not so unique after all has been comforting.

I propose an annual global meeting of Non-BP's to help shed light on the devastating effect of this disorder on families, specially children of BPD's worldwide.  Experts can be invited to give seminars, offer counselling, and the exchange of ideas about coping mechanism through various stages of relationship with BPD's would be invaluable.  I know I would love it.

What do you think?

[Majid]

I stayed in the abusive relationship for 12 years.  I knew there was something wrong with my ex HF/BPD from the onset.  But assumed as intelligent as she was, and with love and care, she would be capable of self transformation. 

Later, when I came to the realization that staying with her severely affected my quality of life and emotional well being, I stayed in the marriage to protect the kids, to stop her from destroying in my children what I let her destroy in me.  But eventually, I came to the realization that to help my children, I needed to regain my own lost sense of self worth and confidence.  The marriage is ended now, and I am getting help and getting better.

I always knew she was in denial when she shouted, "There is nothing wrong with me, there is something wrong with you".  Finding this website and other information about BPD, and to know that my experience was not so unique after all has been comforting.

I propose an annual global meeting of Non-BP's to help shed light on the devastating effect of this disorder on families, specially children of BPD's worldwide.  Experts can be invited to give seminars, offer counselling, and the exchange of ideas about coping mechanism through various stages of relationship with BPD's would be invaluable.  I know I would love it.

What do you think?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[empath]

My uBPDh is also high functioning, at least for a while. It has been really helpful to me to hear the stories of other people who are dealing with similar things. I honestly thought that I was the only one who had this type of relationship.

Unfortunately, we have had people who were close enough to both of us who realized that there was something off about h, but they haven't quite figured it out. It has made h quite uncomfortable on several occasions, and I was told not to talk to them. But, I was able to stand up for my own needs to be honest and open without being critical of him. It isn't my problem if they think negatively about his actions, and I'm not going to hide from others. That is one of my own boundaries; I need support from others.

[Chosen]

My uBPDh is very high functioning.  Other people close to him (his mum, sister etc) may sometimes find him "difficult" to deal with, but I don't think they suspect anything further.  He keeps his rages from them.

Ever since I started practising the tools on here a year ago, things have slowly improved.  Granted, they did get very bad at first.  I also have to learn how to adapt to his thinking (not agreeing/ understanding it, just knowing he's like that), how to work my way around him without stepping on eggshells, and I'm getting better at that.

But as far as people outside are concerned, we're completely normal, and that can get frustating when he's in a mood.

[hergestridge]

My wife is "high functioning" BPD, at least that's how it looks to the world around her. She would be in deep trouble it wasn't for me and her parents. She manages to keep a job which I regularly have to talk her out of quitting (she hates her boss and her collegues). She has no real friends apart from me and her parents, still she goes through period when she's picking fights with us, pitting us against eachother etc.

When she's at work she does her job, and when she's at a social event she can do "her part" and people even find her fun and charming. But when things aren't "scheduled" or formalized she starts to obsess with her negative feelings again. If something comes around that she has to do, she has no trouble do putting all that crap aside. Vacations, weekends and evenings are problematic.

She is high function when it comes to office work or doing house work but not when it comes to meeting the emotional needs of a child or husband. Different levels of abstraction.

   

[Wanda]

My husband is very  high functioning it was hell at first because i didn't understand, once i did things slowly improved , I also used to tool and skills given to me.

My husband holds jobs and doesn't act like he has BPD, he is undiagnosed also.  when he drives me crazy i take a lot of time outs. that seems to help.

[YorksGuy]

I stayed in the abusive relationship for 12 years.  I knew there was something wrong with my ex HF/BPD from the onset.  But assumed as intelligent as she was, and with love and care, she would be capable of self transformation. 

Later, when I came to the realization that staying with her severely affected my quality of life and emotional well being, I stayed in the marriage to protect the kids, to stop her from destroying in my children what I let her destroy in me.  But eventually, I came to the realization that to help my children, I needed to regain my own lost sense of self worth and confidence.  The marriage is ended now, and I am getting help and getting better.

I always knew she was in denial when she shouted, "There is nothing wrong with me, there is something wrong with you".  Finding this website and other information about BPD, and to know that my experience was not so unique after all has been comforting.

I propose an annual global meeting of Non-BP's to help shed light on the devastating effect of this disorder on families, specially children of BPD's worldwide.  Experts can be invited to give seminars, offer counselling, and the exchange of ideas about coping mechanism through various stages of relationship with BPD's would be invaluable.  I know I would love it.

What do you think?

Majid,

We've had very similar experiences... .a 12 year relationship and the challenge of trying to protect and nurture two children whilst with a high functioning BPD has nearly cost me my mind. Had I not sought therapy, initially to help with "my disorder" and found a brilliant supportive therapist I would probably still be thinking it's my fault and I have to find a way to make more sacrifices and love her more. The frightening thing for me is she really believes her take on events and on her behaviour... .by way of trivial example she is not selfish for never once in 12 years driving when we go out for dinner but rather I am for suggesting that for once she does drive. I should move out next week, suffering significant financial loss ( very hard to create win win if you have two different realities and one is narcissistic) but happy that my daughters will have a sanctuary with me and that I will be largely free of the poison.

[Hope26]

I can't even express how helpful this board, and all of you participants, are to me!  I about fell over laughing with Isimil's (hope I spelled that right) comment about the fight over the opening of the cereal box, lasting for days and the BPD person threatening to leave!  It is SO right-on!  My uBPD husband's last rage was because I failed to put a TV program on 'pause'.  The anger went on for days and he has never admitted to having been wrong.  I wonder if there can ever be moments of sanity, when they can clearly recognize the 'craziness' of the triggers for raging.  But I digress.  Mine is high-functioning too; he is intelligent and has always been successful in employment.  But I also found Megocean's comments to be very insightful.  I am sure my relatives observe that he is 'intense and difficult' at times, even though his may not.  I once hinted to his sister that he has quite a temper, and got a shocked look in response.  You can't really discuss this with most people, especially if your BPD person is high-functioning; in all probability they will neither understand nor believe you.  Thank God for this website!  Hope26