Contempt and disgust vs pwBPD - why not? (specific)

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am in molten rage these days. I understand that I am a better person then this and that rage hurts only me. I am looking for validation, support and ways to get out of this fit.

You see, I DO know how it feels when you are ill in a way that potentially turns people away.

I have psoriasis (not severe). I understand how people do not like to see flaky skin. But again, I had lovers who did not mind at all. Helps to keep me motivated to keep it uned control.

As usual, psoriasis led to arthritis. I limp a bit from time to time. And sometimes it hurts so I cannot sleep. I understand that people could look elsewhere for a "healthy" partner.

But I manage just fine. These are the cards I drew in this life and with these cards I have to play.

However, I never used my conditions to manipulate or hurt other people. On the contrary, I try my very very best to minimize their impacts on everday and long term life.

So, my dear BPD ex. You know there is something wrong with you. You are in utter denial that your unimaginably hurtful words and actions destroyed me. Why on earth should I not hate you for the rest of my days?

Please help  :'(

[Numbers]

I am in molten rage these days. I understand that I am a better person then this and that rage hurts only me. I am looking for validation, support and ways to get out of this fit.

You see, I DO know how it feels when you are ill in a way that potentially turns people away.

I have psoriasis (not severe). I understand how people do not like to see flaky skin. But again, I had lovers who did not mind at all. Helps to keep me motivated to keep it uned control.

As usual, psoriasis led to arthritis. I limp a bit from time to time. And sometimes it hurts so I cannot sleep. I understand that people could look elsewhere for a "healthy" partner.

But I manage just fine. These are the cards I drew in this life and with these cards I have to play.

However, I never used my conditions to manipulate or hurt other people. On the contrary, I try my very very best to minimize their impacts on everday and long term life.

So, my dear BPD ex. You know there is something wrong with you. You are in utter denial that your unimaginably hurtful words and actions destroyed me. Why on earth should I not hate you for the rest of my days?

Please help  :'(

[Ironmanrises]

Why on earth should I not hate you for the rest of my days... .?

Because... .

You are not disordered... .

Like her... .

And that difference... .

Allows the very compassion... .

That you feel for her... .

In spite of her treatment of you.

Something... .

That her disorder... .

And her denial... .

Of this... .

Does not allow.

With brutal consequences... .

On the very people... .

Us... .

You... .

Me... .

Who fall in love with them.

Hang in there.

I know it hurts.

[Numbers]

Yes, but that is exactly the point. I KNOW how it is to live with life-changing sickness that is uncurable and that will stay for the rest of my life. But still I make sure nobody else suffers for it.

She KNOWS that she is hurting people but still everyone else is to blame.

My problems manifest itself every waking minute of my life. Hers do only in intimate relationships.

I force myself to believe that I still drew better cards, but it is so hard today  :'(

[DragoN]

 you drew better cards.

Psoriasis is a physical medical condition that does not affect the way you treat and interact with others. When somebody cares about You, that is a minor thing. Not important to the big picture. Rather will find ways to help you deal with it.

She KNOWS that she is hurting people but still everyone else is to blame.

Read your earlier posts. She chooses to do many things that are clearly not helping the situation ie. drinking. etc.etc.

My husband, same thing.

Why on earth should I not hate you for the rest of my days?

Hate hurts you. Indifference, protects you from fall out. Getting the balance right is not easy and I slip about as well. Compassion for the pain s/he suffers internally does not trump my/ you right to live with respect, common decency and love from my partner.

It's not black and white, Love/ Hate. It's understanding, sadness and letting go of someone who cannot , will not and chooses not to see their effects on the other. Don't need to hate a person to leave them. They can cross too many boundaries or violate you in other ways, and very much in love with them, you can still leave. Hurts worse.

[maxen]

hi 481. you ask for help about a rage that you want to get out of. frankly, i'm not sure i can help. i read this:

So, my dear BPD ex. You know there is something wrong with you. You are in utter denial that your unimaginably hurtful words and actions destroyed me.

and i am in exactly the same place. she lied. she lied about lying. her reaction to her own deceit, infidelity, and abandonment, was at first stone silence. when i faced her with it, she literally shrugged her shoulders. when i pointed out that i had alwys been honest with her, she accused me of acting morally superior. her arrogance, insisting from the comfort of a new relationship that i must prove to her that i'm worth coming back to, has felt like being spat on. she has revelled in her viciousness. she has slandered me to her friends and so some of them support what she did.

and that may actually help get me over her. she is so morally and emotionally juvenile that i no longer think i can have a relationship with her, even if she were to contact me again (she won't). combine that with reading here, which helps enforce to me the depth of her BPD and depersonalizes her actions, and i may someday get past this. but that day is not today.

[allweareisallweare]

It's hard - good/evil, yin/yang, love/hate - one thing cannot exist without its opposite - we have to believe that evil can never smother good, yin can outdo yang - and love will beat hate ... .BUT as you say, we draw the better cards BUT ONLY in the long run. You see, these people, these BPD unfortunates, only operate in disposable feelings - we, who have encountered (and shall hopefully survive?) BPD breakups simply because we were unlucky (to have met and loved them) we have depth, empathy and feeling - EVENTUALLY that will lead us to the better things in life, surely you'd have to believe that? Because I do - I don't want to discard these things which mark me out as a good person, lest I transmogrify into even half the portal of doom my exdBPDgf was - as remains without me. So meanwhile, you are entitled to hate. You loved this person, you know you did, you did all you can - and in their screwed-up warped way they have to understand that if they're to progress in spite of their illness.

Motto and message - hate, it's alright. It'a like being in a hot air balloon, you know how they discard sandbags to float higher?  Imagine higher is happiness up there with the birds and the clouds - Well, get rid of all the BPD and the memories all you can - hate them out of your system if necessary BUT do not discard love, empathy, etc which you know you have for fighting for so long with this person.

[fromheeltoheal]

Anger is a natural response to abuse, and it is much, much healthier to let it out and purge yourself of it than it is to stuff it; let fly, trusting it will be temporary.  And anger is a secondary emotion, as it subsides you will get in touch with the primary emotions underneath, hurt and sadness probably, and after a while spent there, processing, you will find acceptance.  You don't know me, but I have been there; have faith and trust me on this.

And then one day, as the emotions subside, you process and grow, and you focus forward instead of back, you may find you don't hate her anymore, or even have much focus or emotion tied to her.  I see my borderline ex as a sick person now, not a mean or a bad one, and someone who showed up to teach me some lessons it was time to learn, and motivated by pain I did learn the lessons.

Not trying to minimize what you're feeling, at all, it hurts a lot and I've been there.  Just make sure you let it out in reasonably healthy ways, and manufacture some faith that it will be temporary, which it will.  Take care of you.

[goldylamont]

Motto and message - hate, it's alright... .get rid of all the BPD and the memories all you can - hate them out of your system if necessary BUT do not discard love, empathy, etc which you know you have for fighting for so long with this person.

such good advice! love your hate and the message it has for you--use it break down any residual fantasies you have about this person that distort them into looking like something they are *not*. it's incredibly difficult to imagine the person we used to love as the hateful person they are to us now, however if this is their behavior then this is what they must be judged by.

as others have stated, regardless of how hateful or mean your ex is, over time if you honor your hate, anger and rage, and find healthy ways to feel them and let them out without stuffing them down, the intensity of these emotions will lesson over time. this is because the hate and anger has a purpose in your life right now! it's saying do NOT do that again, you're killing me here, that person is toxic!, so all you have to do is really receive this message and you will begin your healing. once they are gone and you have had *plenty* of time to process, you will start to feel safer. and this is what your hate and anger are trying to do, draw up some strong boundaries to keep you safe in your personal shell. this person has crossed all those boundaries chopped you up inside, so your anger and rage are saying "no more!". love them, listen to what they are telling you. make sense? hope this helps!

you are not a better person in my opinion by denying the beautiful message that anger and hate have to tell us.

[bpdspell]

Why on earth should I not hate you for the rest of my days?

4815162342,

I think it's important to feel your feelings of anger rather than repress them. The only way out is through and you are entitled to express how hurt and how damaging your ex's behavior towards you made you feel. Expressing these feelings of rage are a vital part of the healing process that cannot be skipped over or handled with kids gloves. The pain we feel is real and deserves all the validation you can muster.

However.

It is not a place that you want to buy lumber, build a house, set up plumbing and have lighter fuel for cozy nights at the fireplace. This is where we damage ourselves the most because we allow our pain to turn to bitterness, endless victimization, and disempowerment. And this is where our BPD ex's can put a "W" in the win column.

You can hate your ex for as long as you want but in the long term you will have the do the heavy lifting of carrying the weighted emotion of internal rage and it will wear you out heart and soul. Again. Another win for our ex's.

So my guess is that your feeling the high's of the injustice of it all and you probably of "feeling" that your ex gets off scott free by using her "disorder" as an excuse.

I personally can attest to feeling this way initially. But that is before I fully understood projection, self-hate, shame and how people who don't like themselves operate.

So yes.

Our ex's pay; they pay dearly. They are miserable, empty, shallow, disconnected, and are filled with shame. And they essentially hate themselves in the worst way imaginable and this is why they treat others so badly. Their self-hate is projected at us and what we experience with them in devaluation is only a slice of what they truly feel about themselves. You may have disgust for your ex but she has even more disgust for herself. She's just more experienced at hiding and repressing her self-digust.

I understand that you're in pain but your ticket to freedom is developing the skills to "love yourself." Something that our ex's will never be able to do.  I think a lot of our anger derives from wanting a broken, sick person to love us to wholeness when only we can do that for ourselves.

You will survive this. Hate your ex... .but know that she hates herself more than you'll ever know. In time you'll be able to put the spotlight of healing back on yourself.

Spell

[fromheeltoheal]

Hate them out of your system if necessary BUT do not discard love.

Hallelujah!  

[Waifed]

BPD's may show indifference and stare at you with a blank face but they are well aware of the pain and suffering that they cause.  They carry that shame with them probably for a lifetime. They may rewrite certain stories in their heads but their subconscious doesn't lie. I confronted mine about possibly having BPD. She is an intelligent woman. She knows she is not normal. Why else do they lie?  They are trying to hide their shame and are trying to protect themselves because they know they are not normal but just mimicking normal.  I pity them for the cards they are dealt in life but can not feel empathy for their failure to address their issues.

[Waifed]

I also think they compartmentalize because they know their relationships are doomed to fail. Compartmentalization allows them to discard their trash once a relationship ends.  It is a perpetual pursuit of a fresh start. When they are called on the carpet they act like cornered wild animals.  They will call the police, threaten you, or do anything to keep you from telling others about the lies they are living. That was my experience anyway.

[maxen]

do anything to keep you from telling others about the lies they are living. That was my experience anyway.

my experience also. she was furious that i spoke with our two closest mutual friends and her parents. she wanted to control the narrative, and i didn't let her. and in fact she did live a tisue of lies, about her spending, her drinking, her spare time activities, her feelings for me.

clearly i'm having a hard time being sympathetic to the pain in their minds, and i wonder sometimes if our claims about how great that pain is, is sour grapes. my life has been blown apart, the security of the marriage i hoped to spend my life in has been robbed, and she has been quite composed in her arrogance about what she did. perhaps it goes to my diffidence that i'm so angry and feel so victimized, but there are also the bare facts, the human fallout.

[goldylamont]

i just wanted to say to everybody that this has been one of the most raw and truthful threads i've read in a while and thank you all for writing.

Spell, that was the most eloquent argument for how we must respect our anger but eventually let it go that i've heard.

and Waifed i agree with your perspective on things, i feel sometimes to get a handle on the situation it's easier for us to sometimes try to look at pwBPD as hurt children throwing tantrums or as walking around constantly tortured by themselves... .which is true to a certain extent but also, who knows what they think? they are doing things that make them feel better, they hurt others to make themselves feel better (a bit sadistic, no?). yet and still, over time we have to wade through and let go of the darkness they left in their wake.

well, i'm up to the task however long that may take.

all of this to me means that we must break the cycle of abuse--here, we are dealing with someone who very likely was the victim of childhood abuse. and it broke them, so now they abuse others. well, the buck stops with me. i don't know about all her other lovers but i'm not letting her deceitful and petty ways make me less loving, less open and less trustful of the good people in my life. i took some abuse from her, but her silly ass doesn't control my future or my future mental health for that matter. there are countless people not knowing what awaits them when they meet our ex's, but all i can do is be accountable for myself to not spread the abuse-disease any further and say no more to her shenanigans. it's a tough road, the real path, but her hate stops here. she'll remain a broken victim of her selfishness, but i'll find my way back to health just fine

[Numbers]

Thank you all. Anger is so thick at the moment that it is almost material. A dark body with name and personality walking beside me. Like I cast two shadows.

You see, one of the often offered comforts is that we thankfully do not know how it is to live with life-changing sickness. I DO KNOW. Granted, it is my body, not my mind, but it just makes me so much more aware of differences in playing the cards you are dealt with. I am NOT a shambling mass crying for attention. When it hurts, I clench my teeth, get up and live a generally positive life.

I swear I will never, never, ever, offer my heart to her or any such person. Sympathy, maybe. But love, never.

It's ridiculous how broken I feel. Feeling is so absurd that I hope I will start laughing about it soon.

[Bit Lost]

Reading this thread has been a massive wake up call for me this morning... .

[Bit Lost]

Thank you all. Anger is so thick at the moment that it is almost material. A dark body with name and personality walking beside me. Like I cast two shadows.

You see, one of the often offered comforts is that we thankfully do not know how it is to live with life-changing sickness. I DO KNOW. Granted, it is my body, not my mind, but it just makes me so much more aware of differences in playing the cards you are dealt with. I am NOT a shambling mass crying for attention. When it hurts, I clench my teeth, get up and live a generally positive life.

I swear I will never, never, ever, offer my heart to her or any such person. Sympathy, maybe. But love, never.

It's ridiculous how broken I feel. Feeling is so absurd that I hope I will start laughing about it soon.

This is exactly how I am feeling right now... .I went 8 years without being in a relationship with anyone because I didn't want to end up with a broken heart again... .and then I met HIM and what this guy has done to me... .the damage and carnage he's caused has put me off for life!

[DragoN]

4815162342

Anger is so thick at the moment that it is almost material. A dark body with name and personality walking beside me. Like I cast two shadows.

 It will eat you alive if you're not careful. Been there, done that.

You have every right to be angry. It's the warning of the boundaries having been violated. After that? Is the anger at yourself for allowing it. If you internalize, depression hits and hard. Let it out... .

It's ridiculous how broken I feel.

Brutal. It's normal though.

The crap that happened? It's not about you. Remember that. Just a decent guy that caught in a sick trap trying to do the decent thing.

I swear I will never, never, ever, offer my heart to her or any such person.

Good plan. Take care of it for now. It's going to take a while to heal.