New gf is pushing away

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Isn't this ironic... .

I've been with a girl for about 6 months now, who is normal, happy, educated and beautiful. Everything I've ever wanted in a female. She makes me feel loved and treats me like a king. The problem is that now she's pushing away? We went out to dinner last night and I brought up moving in together and she got really quiet and said she said she is scared. She said "during our entire relationship, all I've ever heard about is your ex and I don't have any idea how you really feel about about me"

After talking about it, I guess I can see her point. I spent so much time talking about my BPD ex wife and thinking about her that it made my new gf insecure. To be fair, I wasn't really over my ex when I met this other girl. I was still very much hurting from my wife and I wasn't ready to let go. I made a lot of decisions not thinking about how my new gf might be affected by them. I helped my ex find a new job and did a lot of things for her, more than I did for my gf at the time, which was wrong. The thing is that she never said anything about it until now. I'm happier than I have ever been with this girl and it took me awhile to realize it. I finally have a great person with me now but I'm worried I already screwed it up  

[Isis45]

Isn't this ironic... .

I've been with a girl for about 6 months now, who is normal, happy, educated and beautiful. Everything I've ever wanted in a female. She makes me feel loved and treats me like a king. The problem is that now she's pushing away? We went out to dinner last night and I brought up moving in together and she got really quiet and said she said she is scared. She said "during our entire relationship, all I've ever heard about is your ex and I don't have any idea how you really feel about about me"

After talking about it, I guess I can see her point. I spent so much time talking about my BPD ex wife and thinking about her that it made my new gf insecure. To be fair, I wasn't really over my ex when I met this other girl. I was still very much hurting from my wife and I wasn't ready to let go. I made a lot of decisions not thinking about how my new gf might be affected by them. I helped my ex find a new job and did a lot of things for her, more than I did for my gf at the time, which was wrong. The thing is that she never said anything about it until now. I'm happier than I have ever been with this girl and it took me awhile to realize it. I finally have a great person with me now but I'm worried I already screwed it up  

[EdR]

Hi Isis,

Actually, I try to be really honest here on these boards (without giving much personal info though), so please don't take this the wrong way.

I actually understand your new girlfriend. She probably feels you might need her to fill the gap your BPD-ex left within you. You even seem to somewhat implicitly confirm that in your own post right here.

And then: talking about moving in together is actually always a huge step... so now this makes it even harder for her. Actually, to me... it feels like to some extent your mirroring the behaviour of your exBPD (pulling way too hard, way too fast in a kind of idealization phase).

Sorry if I sound too harsh though. Trying to do the right thing here 

[goldylamont]

hi Isis, yes, i think talking about moving in feels much too soon when just knowing a person for 6 months. if anything i think the resistance from your gf is healthy. what i would do is admit that you were still grieving some for your ex and that this wasn't fair to her to begin with. also, being honest, are you still "doing things" for your exBPD? nothing would make your exBPD happier than to string you along and destroy your current happy r/s. have you cut ties with her and focussed your energies on your new gf? i would just tell the new gf straight up that you appreciate that she stuck by you during hard times, that your ex is no longer even a small priority for you, and that you're in no rush to move in until she is fully comfortable and ready. be that strong guy for her.