Question:1 When you are NC, what do you do for the holidays?

[Deb]

I have been NC with my dBPD sister for years, so I really do have an answer. But I thought this could be a good topic for some who are newly NC. Years ago, when my sister would give me the silent treatment, she also made sure to tie up our mother for holidays. To be fair to our mom, she wanted to see her grandkids, and I understood that. So I had to find other things. So here are some of the things I did:

1)Volounteered at a community meal

2)Ate at a soup kitchen

3)Visited friends

4)Went to a movie

5) Went to a restaurant

6) Made a dinner and invited friends over

7) went out of town

One time, a group of friends did a roving meal on Thanksgiving. Some people were fabulous cooks and some weren't. SO those who didn't cook, brought things to the meals like drinks, desserts etc. Than some of us spent the day going from dinner to dinner. We all had a blast and left overs. One person only did desserts so we all ended up at her house.

Anyone got any ideas?

[redroom]

I prefer to spend them alone.  In the past, I've tried going with others to see their families, and everyone was always so nice, but I just got tired of the questions, the not fitting in, the hypervigilance (e.g. what if they say something that triggers me?), and a little bit of jealousy. 

Now it's just like any other day I have available.  I sleep through most of the day, go on the internet, eat, sleep some more... . 

Thanksgiving is the crappy one for me.  Christmas is OK, because not everyone celebrates it (although I do).  New Year's Eve is the worst of the bunch, though, because it seems like everyone has friends.  If you're NC with your family, people can be pretty understanding.  But if you have no friends, people think you're a little odd.  That's been my experience, at least, and part of that odd feeling comes from the shame I felt growing up without friends. 

A few years ago, I've started cooking one new dish that I've always wanted to try on Christmas day, but then I got too depressed to keep it up year after year. 

I like the going out of town idea.  I had a milestone birthday a few years ago, and I didn't want to spend it alone, so I took a mini vacation.  If you're faced with spending birthdays alone (especially a major one), go somewhere nice for the day!

For holidays, there's always shopping and movies. 

Or take the time and do something nice for yourself, like clean out your closet, organize your desk, give yourself a nice pedicure, etc. 

[larmieq]

Hi Deb,

I have employed all of the things you have tried over the years.  Now I want to create a family by choice.  Just in the beginning stages of this.  Unsure what this will look like, but hope sometime in the future, they will be part of regular holiday celebrations.

Redroom, I too have felt the not fitting in, the hyper vigilance and jealousy.  It so sucks that we can't have the families we all want with in our own nuclear family  :'(   It is also hard to be places where it appears others are enjoying the very thing we so wish we had.  Going somewhere else for holidays can help get away from the usual and try something new.  Finding new traditions is important for all of us.