feeling sad for my granddaughter

[mother in law]

I have read alot of the posts from people whose mothers have BPD. They are usually sad posts from people who look back on their childhood with fear and anxiety. It worries me and makes me feel sad that my granddaughter is going to feel the same. Her father (my son) is not too keen on therapy as he does not want to stress the awful times, and he is very good at talking to her. Do you think it is inevitable that she has these thoughts?

[GeekyGirl]

Hi mother in law,

Yes, it can be very painful growing up with a parent with BPD. I can understand why you're worried about your granddaughter.   

At the same time, it's also not a given that your granddaughter will grow up feeling scared and anxious. She may have moments of it, but it's not necessarily inevitable. Does she have anyone to confide in, perhaps a school counselor?

How often do you see your granddaughter? How can you be available to her when she needs love and attention?

BTW... .while I do know all about the sadness and anxiety that come with having a BPD mother, I also remember some very happy and loving moments growing up. I had a grandmother who was a very strong and loving force in my life, and I'm grateful beyond words for that. Stay in your granddaughter's life and show her love and positive influence.

[mother in law]

Thank you for your reply. To answer your questions we have talked about a school counsellor but as yet my son has done nothing. She talks to him a bit and I have talked to her on occasions but she doesn't really like to talk about the situation with her mother. I also try very hard not to get into conversations about her mother as I know my gd hears alot of painting me black and I feel she doesn't need to hear 2 people say nasty things about each other. I try to give her ways to cope though. We see her st least once a  week.

We had an incident tonight when we rang and asked her if she would like to come to the pre Christmas occasion we take her to every year she said yes but when it came to asking mummy she was very hesitant and didn't want us to ask mummy. We think she hears alot of nasty talk about us when we call or do things for her and rightly so she tries to avoid this. It its all so sad. How can parents put their children in this position.

Does anyone have any bright ideas how to get over this?

[GeekyGirl]

I also try very hard not to get into conversations about her mother as I know my gd hears alot of painting me black and I feel she doesn't need to hear 2 people say nasty things about each other. I try to give her ways to cope though. We see her st least once a  week.

As hard as I'm sure it is for you, that's very good. Your granddaughter probably already feels torn between her mother and you, and by not badmouthing her mother, you're setting a positive example for her and also not putting any additional pressure on her.

We had an incident tonight when we rang and asked her if she would like to come to the pre Christmas occasion we take her to every year she said yes but when it came to asking mummy she was very hesitant and didn't want us to ask mummy. We think she hears alot of nasty talk about us when we call or do things for her and rightly so she tries to avoid this. It its all so sad. How can parents put their children in this position.

That is sad. How could you ask your DIL in a way that makes her feel comfortable? She's more likely to go along with your plans if she doesn't feel threatened.

[mother in law]

I asked my granddaughter if she had mentioned the occasion to mummy yet. Her answer was no, I think it all gets to hard for her sometimes. So I  thought it would be good to get her advice on how best to tackle the problem for her so as to avoid fall out from my DiL. Without going into any details I asked  my granddaughter whether she wanted to ask mummy, daddy to ask mummy or us to ask mummy, her reply was daddy. I think she has worked out the least confronting way for her and we should perhaps go by her advice and not make the process too long and involved.

[DaughterofDD]

I have read alot of the posts from people whose mothers have BPD. They are usually sad posts from people who look back on their childhood with fear and anxiety. It worries me and makes me feel sad that my granddaughter is going to feel the same. Her father (my son) is not too keen on therapy as he does not want to stress the awful times, and he is very good at talking to her. Do you think it is inevitable that she has these thoughts?

Maybe, I guess it's hard to say.  It's taken me a very long time, but I can now look back on my childhood with fondness for the good things I had and maybe just sadness for the young girl that had to endure my mother's wrath. 

I agree that it's best not to speak ill of your DIL as best you can in front of her.  One thing you CAN do, however, is just make sure she knows that her only responsibility is to be herself, be a kid and enjoy it, and that she is not responsible for and cannot fix or change anyone else.

 for you and for her.