Getting better slowly but surely. Am in the 'angry' stage and need guidance

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello again my friends,

Back already, I hear you cry... .

Well, I did plan on staying away for longer than this but as you can see from my topic title, I am slowly healing (NC 31 days and counting... .), but the 'angry' stage has hit and there is something that constantly swirls around my head. I need your guidance, if you can  

Apart from all my thoughts about how badly I was treated by my ex (my mantra of late is "Selfish, self-centered, self-serving and a mercenary", one thing that really troubles me is just how long does the devaluation stage last?

I guess there isn't a definitive answer to this, but all I can think about is the months and months of our relationship seemingly on-track and all is well, when 'behind the scenes' as it were, in my ex's head, I'm in the throes of devaluation and no matter how well I treated her and looked after her during this time, she was just playing along with the relationship game (knowing that I'd already been devalued, it just being a matter of time before the discard), lapping up all the attention and financial benefits that I offered until she was triggered for the last and final time - or until someone else came along to 'feed' her.

And that's why I'm angry. Thinking about the so-called good times I thought we were having, when all along she knew that we were history... .

[houseofswans]

Hello again my friends,

Back already, I hear you cry... .

Well, I did plan on staying away for longer than this but as you can see from my topic title, I am slowly healing (NC 31 days and counting... .), but the 'angry' stage has hit and there is something that constantly swirls around my head. I need your guidance, if you can  

Apart from all my thoughts about how badly I was treated by my ex (my mantra of late is "Selfish, self-centered, self-serving and a mercenary", one thing that really troubles me is just how long does the devaluation stage last?

I guess there isn't a definitive answer to this, but all I can think about is the months and months of our relationship seemingly on-track and all is well, when 'behind the scenes' as it were, in my ex's head, I'm in the throes of devaluation and no matter how well I treated her and looked after her during this time, she was just playing along with the relationship game (knowing that I'd already been devalued, it just being a matter of time before the discard), lapping up all the attention and financial benefits that I offered until she was triggered for the last and final time - or until someone else came along to 'feed' her.

And that's why I'm angry. Thinking about the so-called good times I thought we were having, when all along she knew that we were history... .

[lockedout]

Anger is both good and bad. It's good to hold onto it or a little while; it keeps you from going back. But after 31 days of no contact, it's probably time to find a way out of it. As far as what happened in the relationship, you can reminisce the good old days and rack your brain to no end as to what happened, how, when, why, etc. You won't find the answers right now. A lot of that doesn't start happening until you move into and beyond the acceptance stage. That's when you also learn what attracted you to her and what to look out for in future partners and the shortcomings in your character that got you into that situation.

For now, you're on your knees and you're not going to find the answers. You need to start working on you. Find some kind of activity that you can absorb yourself into. For me it was running. A year ago I couldn't run a full mile. Now I'm preparing for a half marathon. Burning off the anger gave me a lot of the energy. You also want to keep a journal and don't plan on staying away from the boards. You need this forum more now than ever. Reconnect with old friends. I'm sure you lost touch with a few during the time you were with the ex. Change your routine. Stay clear of people and places that you two would go to or see together. If you're having any trouble with loneliness and depression, don't stay in every night; I would look in the local paper and ended up in a support group. Keep alcohol out of the house until you know you aren't going to drain the bottle. Those are just a few of my ideas.

[Changingman]

Agree with lockedout,

I'm still holding onto the anger feeling to motivate me to become whole again, to work out (excercise), change and take account of my part in the joke that our relationship was. I'm using it as a positive energy to move forward, some of it is anger at myself for losing faith in me, some of it for her filth, some for her new victim she played with behind my back.

Some is about just how weak and helpless I had become. No more.

Anger is an energy, feel it, tame it, use it.

[Ironmanrises]

Hello again my friends,

Back already, I hear you cry... .

Well, I did plan on staying away for longer than this but as you can see from my topic title, I am slowly healing (NC 31 days and counting... .), but the 'angry' stage has hit and there is something that constantly swirls around my head. I need your guidance, if you can  

Apart from all my thoughts about how badly I was treated by my ex (my mantra of late is "Selfish, self-centered, self-serving and a mercenary", one thing that really troubles me is just how long does the devaluation stage last?

I guess there isn't a definitive answer to this, but all I can think about is the months and months of our relationship seemingly on-track and all is well, when 'behind the scenes' as it were, in my ex's head, I'm in the throes of devaluation and no matter how well I treated her and looked after her during this time, she was just playing along with the relationship game (knowing that I'd already been devalued, it just being a matter of time before the discard), lapping up all the attention and financial benefits that I offered until she was triggered for the last and final time - or until someone else came along to 'feed' her.

And that's why I'm angry. Thinking about the so-called good times I thought we were having, when all along she knew that we were history... .

Welcome back House, my friend. I know the anger you speak of. It is good that you are starting to feel anger. It is part of the process. Let it out. Vent on here. You know we will hear you. You know we know exactly how you feel. I am 4 months of NC and I feel the anger too. It comes and goes, along with the sadness. Sometimes both feelings wash over me in waves. I hang on for dear life. What other choice is there?

The length of devaluation is all dependent on various variables. How close you got to her(emotionally), the closer you got, the further you will be punished(pushed away), if there is someone else in the picture(in your case Mr. X), how long that relationship lasts determines when and if she decides to return to you to repeat the cycle. None of what I write is scientific obviously(so please do not chop my head off), but from what I read on here from many accounts and from my own account of what I experienced in 2 rounds with my exUBPDgf. It is a cycle my friend, that loops around and around. When and if she does return to you after the devaluation ends, the question remains, do you wish to go through that again? I ask you this, because I have to be honest and constantly ask myself that very question and my answer to it seems to shift constantly. Not a good sign on my part. I hate this ___ing disorder.

Hang in there my friend.

You know we are here for you. 

[Learning_curve74]

The messed up thing is that it's very possible there was that tiny little voice in her head that said you were going to abandon her and it was there from the very start of the relationship. Maybe it was just a tiny voice mostly being shouted over by the idealization but then grew in volume over time.

Maybe it's like a Trojan horse that was hidden there all along.

[houseofswans]

The length of devaluation is all dependent on various variables.

When and if she does return to you after the devaluation ends, the question remains, do you wish to go through that again?

IMF, my friend, I always look forward to hearing words of wisdom from you 

I didn't recognise, at first, that it was from you - you seem to be writing 'normally' 

I think that you may have misunderstood what my intention was regarding my post.

Excuse me if I'm wrong on that but what I'm angry about is the thought that whilst we were together (forgetting about the first and current Mr X as they weren't on the scene - I know that for a fact), and our relationship seemed to be swinging along nicely (as much as one can swing along nicely with a disordered person, but you know what I mean... .), that I was already being devalued, and that she was just playing the relationship game with me, or putting on a front, if you will, that we were as one.

That's where the anger is coming from, the thought that everything she said to me in a positive way, was just a sham. That whilst we were together, and being intimate, it was all meaningless to her because I was already devalued.

Which is why I was wondering how long a devaluation took, because it's as if she was playing along in the 'game' until she had taken everything she needed from me before the first Mr X came along and she saw a new source in the making. And we all know how that particular 'match' played out... .

I'm fearful that she might break NC. I've been very strong in maintaining NC and knowing now how she would discard me for a newer source, then discard him - overnight - for another source, sickens me to my stomach. I couldn't envisage trying again with her knowing just how pathetic her boundaries are (seeing a married man), and how pathetic HIS boundaries are (cheating on his wife).

A re-cycle would only, COULD only end in tears, and I'd be walking on eggshells and constantly worrying that she's either seeing someone else at the same time, or 'grooming' her next source... .

[houseofswans]

The messed up thing is that it's very possible there was that tiny little voice in her head that said you were going to abandon her and it was there from the very start of the relationship. Maybe it was just a tiny voice mostly being shouted over by the idealization but then grew in volume over time.

Maybe it's like a Trojan horse that was hidden there all along.

Hi LC, thanks for your input.

Yes, that scenario is very possible, and well articulated.

I have mentioned in a previous post that at the start of our relationship I did 'abandon' her. We went away for a weekend and before we'd even got to the hotel, her behaviour was such that I just walked away and came home alone. She stayed, enjoyed her weekend and because I felt so bad about just walking away, I almost pleaded for forgiveness.

That was three years ago. And thinking about all the re-cycles we had since then, the Trojan horse analogy makes sense... .

[Ironmanrises]

The length of devaluation is all dependent on various variables.

When and if she does return to you after the devaluation ends, the question remains, do you wish to go through that again?

IMF, my friend, I always look forward to hearing words of wisdom from you  

I didn't recognise, at first, that it was from you - you seem to be writing 'normally'  

I think that you may have misunderstood what my intention was regarding my post.

Excuse me if I'm wrong on that but what I'm angry about is the thought that whilst we were together (forgetting about the first and current Mr X as they weren't on the scene - I know that for a fact), and our relationship seemed to be swinging along nicely (as much as one can swing along nicely with a disordered person, but you know what I mean... .), that I was already being devalued, and that she was just playing the relationship game with me, or putting on a front, if you will, that we were as one.

That's where the anger is coming from, the thought that everything she said to me in a positive way, was just a sham. That whilst we were together, and being intimate, it was all meaningless to her because I was already devalued.

Which is why I was wondering how long a devaluation took, because it's as if she was playing along in the 'game' until she had taken everything she needed from me before the first Mr X came along and she saw a new source in the making. And we all know how that particular 'match' played out... .

I'm fearful that she might break NC. I've been very strong in maintaining NC and knowing now how she would discard me for a newer source, then discard him - overnight - for another source, sickens me to my stomach. I couldn't envisage trying again with her knowing just how pathetic her boundaries are (seeing a married man), and how pathetic HIS boundaries are (cheating on his wife).

A re-cycle would only, COULD only end in tears, and I'd be walking on eggshells and constantly worrying that she's either seeing someone else at the same time, or 'grooming' her next source... .

Apologies House. I misinterpreted your post. My thoughts have been chaotic recently; a reflection of my hell. Her thoughts of you before she was triggered into devaluation weren't a sham. They were real. Thing is, they are not long lasting. Once she started devaluing you, it will feel like it was a sham, but in reality, she was projecting onto you how she really felt about herself. See, for her disordered mind to accept that would mean she would have to accept that she is disordered and devalue herself, in essence paint herself black, but she cannot do that. So who will she unleash that onto? The person closest to her, in this case, that was you. In her mind, it must be your fault. Obviously, it can't be hers. Confusing? Yes. Beyond. The new source(the Mr. X) was her escape route so she doesn't have to face what she has done. So she doesn't have to process the feelings of properly grieving the ending of a relationship. Unfortunately, running to someone else very shortly after/and or during ending of relationship is a common theme(not necessarily true in all accounts). I hope this made more sense.

[houseofswans]

Thanks for that, Ironman... .