How can I heal when my very elderly uBPD lives with me?

[ursulajane]

A therapist once asked me to describe how I see myself in relation to my family. Without a moment's hesitation I said "I am standing on the edge of a cliff and my parents and siblings are all holding onto one of my hands as I try to keep them from falling." My siblings now have children and so now I have to struggle internally to not add more people to the wrong side of the cliff.

No one has asked me to assume this role. I have been served this family function for as long as I can remember. I have to have friends remind me I am not responsible for everyone!

How can I move on when the main source of my need to please and save - my 90+ year old high-functioning uBPD widowed mother- lives with me (again the need to save her has nearly ruined my present life) so I cannot minimize contact.

I have posted before on different topics and recent posts have prompted me to start a new thread.

I am feeling anxious as another birthday - now nearly 60 - approaches and I am expecting to be nearly ignored. And I don't really mind as a mature adult but the little kid in me still wants to be loved for who she is and not the role she serves. I am tired of hearing "I don't know what I would do without you!" and in the next breath "I don't know what I did to deserve a daughter like you!"

I have a hard time leaving for the day because her abandonment issues are so severe that it plays into my guilt and the need to save. It is also no fun going away because I know what venom or whining I will face when I return. (On a rare occasion I am asked if I had a good time).

Intellectually and rationally I know I just have to do what I need to do for me but am constantly wracked with guilt. Therapists have told and will tell me that no matter what I do it will never change as she can't change. Knowing and practicing the changes to be made are very different.

So I am seeking support on how to rise above and live in this situation which won't change until she has passed on. Adult day card, friendly visitors, staying with other family members, local senior centers, assisted living, etc. etc. etc. are not possibilities.

I know of one other person posting who has their elderly parent actually living with them. Are there others of you out there?  Any helpful suggestions are appreciated.

[petridish]

I'm in a variation of that situation with a uBPD mother and a co-dep father who is elderly with dementia. I've had to be in very emotionally intense contact with her as I have been his caretaker since his memory started going (which triggered really chaotic behaviors from her because, I now realize, his inability to take care of her triggered her sense of abandonment). My father has generally been a very good father, but with her chaotic treatment of him and his decreased independence, I have often felt very guilty about spending time with friends while I know he's lonely. Like your mother, day care isn't an option.

There are a few things I don't know about your situation. What is your relationship like with your siblings? What is your mother's like with them? ARE you able to please your mother? Why is she not living on her own (i.e. what health/cognitive issues)?

Thoughts to maybe help:

Firstly, my mother is rarely happy with what I do for her, no matter how closely I follow both the explicit words and the emotional tone. Talking to a friend who has a similar mother, we decided that this must be a quirk of some parents. They like to have something to critique in their offspring more than they like to be happy. Perhaps it makes them feel needed. Who knows? But when they are whining about the thing we've done that they just asked us to do (it wasn't done right, it didn't meet other secret criteria, it isn't the real thing they want, whatever) even though they seem unhappy, this is the state they chose. Therefore, failing to meet our mothers' (secret, contradictory, changing) demands is ACTUALLY meeting their deeper need to view us as imperfect children to be reprimanded. As convoluted as this is, it helps me to remember that my mother is choosing at some level to feel put upon, lonely, whatever, and there is nothing I CAN do to make her happy. Happiness isn't what she's after.

Secondly, with my father, when I do go out with friends and I know he might be lonely, I let them know that I might need to be available to him (sometimes I put my phone on silent and check in with him, other times I answer his calls if he needs me). He's not BPD (and he's losing his memory), so it's different, but he does sometimes lay down a bit of a guilt trip, especially if he's really lonely (he likes parties too! why didn't I invite him!). I generally keep the tone positive and light and reassure him I'll be back. I try to chat about something he's doing in the moment (reading, drinking tea) but keep it brief. But again, he's not BPD. I avoid feeling guilty because I know how much time and energy I spend with him.

Thirdly, can you figure out what amount of time is fair to devote to your mother? I am someone who also tends to be "the responsible one" but I also believe that part of my responsibility is to avoid enabling others. Clearly 7/24/365 is not possible for anyone and leaves you with no time to yourself. For me, when I was in the worst of my situation and spending upwards of 12 hours a day with my father (whom I love and whose company is still often enjoyable), I wasn't able to take care of myself. This meant that I was not able to be my BEST self for anyone, including him. Me getting breaks, regardless of whether they're approved by the person I'm caretaking, means that I am a better caretaker overall. I am more patient, less liable to be cranky or snap, and more appreciative of the good aspects of our relationship. What about the guilt of not being as good of a caretaker (relaxed, rejuvenated, patient, able to validate) as you can be to your mother? Perhaps if you really look at the amount of time/energy you spend on your mother's well-being (including researching, being on-call, prep time, etc.), you will feel less guilty about taking some time for yourself regardless of how she treats you.

[Clearmind]

Jane, your situation won't change unless you change! Yes Mum will pass on however maybe its time to look at the guilt and realise where it is coming from. YOu also need to live your life and not be a slave to Mum.

Boundaries….

Often us kids of BPDs continue to live out our childhood in our adulthood. When we were kids we had to, or else, to obey our disordered parents. Some of us were hit, devalued or isolated as a result. Having boundaries came with great consequence so we kept silent. We are not those little kids anymore and we can and need to set firm boundaries and work on that kiddie guilt we carry around.

Branch out my friend and learn to love you, believe that you deserve to get out, despite mothers guilt trip on you and the guilt trip on yourself.

How self sufficient is she?

[sophiegirl]

Just popping in to say hi, I guesss I am probably the one in the same place and I would love to know the answers too. I'm reading everyones response keenly! I was going to post a new thread about Christmas, which I might do anyway Every year I have my one weekend break and I put mother into respite car - just 2 nights away! This year she has refused to go and says if I go away she'll have to come with me. So I've cancelled the trip, theres no fun to be had there. Like you my freedom is curtailed by my mother and I feel resentful. I wonder if years of emotional abuse has just left me gutless? I am unable to leave an old lady (who can look after herself very well) alone, is that how you feel too Ursulajane?

[ursulajane]

Thank you all for your posts.

My mother is very self sufficient and does most everything for herself. She is only limited by her distorted understanding of what a 90 year old should do. For example no 90 year old goes out to dinner. Just ridiculous.

I am oh so aware of the need for boundaries and taking care of myself. I just have never been able to emotionally handle disappointing someone. Even after years if therapy I still struggle. And now I am living in a situation where "she" will never be happy or satisfied. I struggle to mesh my intellectual and rational brain with the side who likes everything peaceful.

I feel just like Sophiegirl and the guilt about leaving a very old woman alone.

It is so much harder setting and maintaining boundaries and staying positive and upbeat when her presence is EVERPRESENT. I could do better if I had some breathing room.

[sophiegirl]

yes its not just the guilt either but the stunts she will pull to ruin any trip away we plan. Last year for our weekend away she managed to get herself admitted to hospital two day before we left. she was already booked in to respite care so I rang them told them I'd be bringing her from hospital to the care place and then leaving which I did. That was not mothers plan at all hence her refusal to go this year I'm sure. Unfortunately she has to consent to care so I can't just force her. so I suppose the question is why do I bother with respite care at all and just leave her on her own and her argument is that a) she feels safer when we're home b) she never goes anywhere and she's sick of the same 4 walls c) she doesn't drive anymore so can't get out. If I visit a friend on the way home from work she will ring up to ask where I am then spit venom down the phone because I've got time to spend with someone else, so now I leave the phone in the car. If I go out for dinner on a whim with my husband she sulks and makes a snarky comment, she has a talent for making me feel very uncomfortable. I either have to lie to her or tell her and risk the 'Wrath'. What I can't deal with is that sure I can set boundaries but she just doesn't change, she never gives up the battle and I just get exhausted. hahaha sorry a long venting post! Hope you can relate to some of this UrsulaJane - you're not alone!