Staying or failed... am i bein dellusional?

[Nicky2001]

Well. I stick around the staying boards but not sure as to where i should be. I love my partner to bits n would do anything to stay with him and make this work. But am i tryin too hard? I class myself as staying as he choses tonleave. He has done this every yr around sept time for 6-7yrs out ofnour 12 yr relationship. He normally comes home around or just after christmas but tells me the whole time he is away he doesnt want me and doesnt wana b with me. He comes over a few times a week to see our children and we do get intimate also. But if i txt him to much he withdraws from me. If i dont he starts to txt or ring or call in more. Im trying to set boumdarys but find it hard as i am quite a laid back person. The only boundaty we have ever had is that of he goes with someone else i wouldnt be able to touch him again. And as far as i know and believe, he never has. My mainnproblem at the min is what ibam supposed to be looking for support in. Staying (as usually he comes back wen hes ready) or looking for advice on failed relationships. Alot of the time it feels lole we r in a relationship. We just dont see each other very often and hisnprioritys do not lie with me and the kids. They lie with any friend or someone who has a bettrr offer than spending time or helping me and his kids (who are 6 and 8) . I have just been given 20mg o citalopram to take daily from the dr and as of yet still dont feel any bettrr. I hate the not knowing whats happening and haye being away from him. N the worstbpart is feeling like he doesnt care. After reading up on BPD i have no doubt, most of the time, that he cares. But i just feel so lost right now. Hes never been violent towards me and only gets angry, shoits and walks out. But i duno what else i can do to make him see how much i want and need him. Plz help. Any advice will be appreciated.  thanx in advance. Xx

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[patientandclear]

Nicky, I think you just have to decide if this is something you can work with.  It sounds like a fairly "stable" though very unconventional relationship.  It's atypical.  Doesn't mean it's wrong.

Doesn't feel like you think he's lying to you or being unfaithful.

If this is OK with you -- fantastic!

If it isn't, then, don't lose yourself or contort who you are just to stay with this man.

How do you feel about this unusual feature of your r/s?

[Nicky2001]

Thanx. i dont really know. I would be with him no matter what but feel like alot of the time its out of my control. I will always be there for him. I have sed before i can cope with anything but not the leaving all the time. I dont want my girls growing up thinking that thisnis acceptable and normal. I love him with all my heart and get very confused as to what he wants (typical BPD i know) but he says 1 thing and shows another n i dont know wether to trust what he says or what he does. I love our relationship most of the time. But again tupical BPD wen he leaves he tells me all we do is argue and its been bad for months. And when i think back we do bicker but not argue. N to him its like thats all that happens. Im running out of ways to make him happy and sometimes i feelnlike am compromising mine and my kids happyness then feel guilty for my kids for keep putting them thru this.  xx

[Grey Kitty]

Hello and welcome!

You have some tough choices to make for yourself and your kids in the longer term. Today you sound very devoted to your relationship, so work on making it better.

You can start by reading some of the lessons here on the staying board (always found in the sidebar ---->> ) You will soon discover that there are things you can do differently which will improve your situation. They will also open up some room or your partner to make changes as well; Many of us have found corresponding improvements in our partner followed on a bit later.

Hang in there!

[SweetCharlotte]

Hi Nicky, I have a husband with probable BPD. Like your partner, he has a pronounced cycle of pulling me in and then pushing me away. In our case it's a long-distance r/s, so even though we're married it doesn't make our situation any more stable than yours. He can always hop on a plane or a train and he's out of my life for as long as he wishes. He can decide whether or not to answer his phone.

If you know more or less how long the push-away part lasts, that can help you get through it. Why is it September though December? Does he have a "thing" about the holidays? Maybe the holidays demand too much closeness to family and he starts to feel engulfed. My husband starts to show signs of dysregulation around now. He becomes obsessed with the need to buy gifts for my kids and me. He cannot deal with the pressure. Just the thought of having to put others first makes him try to pick a fight with me and then avoid me for days.

I sympathize with you because I know that even though it's not about you (it's about his intimacy issues), it still feels like rejection. It's hard to explain to friends and family why your SO is AWOL for the holidays. I hope your kids are able to understand it without internalizing the hurt.

[tranch]

Sounds like YOU are staying, and sounds like he wants it partially too (for 9 months). However, he takes the convenient "out" every year and you let him (by welcoming him back when he comes). I'm not saying this is wrong. Maybe it works, however, like others have said (and you've suggested especially regarding your kids), you have a tough choice ahead of you. Is this appropriate? See lessons on boundaries if it's not okay with you.

You didn't mention if he's in therapy, and I didn't have time at the moment to go check other posts. I would think if he's making any progress, which I wouldn't expect if he's not doing anything to help himself, then this will go on indefinitely. If he is in therapy, or in some way interested in bettering himself and figuring himself out, then I'd think eventually he'd have to come to terms with how this is unfair to you and your daughters. Do YOU ever just get up and walk away? No, b/c you're a responsible mom. Just because you're there for your kids consistently doesn't give him an excuse to do whatever he wants. He's acting selfish and self-absorbed.

You're in this cycle now that you're both probably even a little comfortable with. I know when he comes back, you're probably glad to have him, and you basically reward him with a pretty normal family (and relationship) life. And then he can go right back out the door and you're alone again. If that's not okay with you, then you need to think about setting boundaries. For example, you don't want to punish your kids, so maybe allow him to see them as much as he can, but then leave for the night (i.e. no intimacy).

2.5 years ago, my wife decided to leave, moved into a new house nearby. My son went back and forth. He wasn't in school yet and the shuffle wasn't impacting him too much. He saw both of us daily. On most weeknights I went over there and saw him until bedtime. My wife seemed better than she had been in years. She was even seeing someone else at one time, but I still hung out with her sometimes. Partly, I had already grieved and gotten over the relationship somewhat, and I was happy that she was happy and was doing a good job with our son. But i started to see how weird it was, and I started to understand that she was loving having me there to still fulfill some of her emotional needs (to be a friend, and the only one who knew how to validate well... .), without actually being committed to the full relationship that I wanted. I'm sure she wasn't purposefully using me or being selfish, but she was. Even though I was lonely, I started to leave right after bedtime. I focused my time on other things I'd let go for a while, including friendships with other guys. To be honest she gradually fell apart after this, eventually moving back to her parents, while I became practically a single dad. (We're actually in happier times but that's a totally different story.)

I feel like that's similar to your situation. Your guy comes around for the parts of the relationship he wants. He then goes and gets his other needs met by other people (friends?) or activities. You are currently enabling this and I know it's scary thinking about what might happen if you don't let him use you as one of his crutches.

[Nicky2001]

Thanx for all the replys. I just seem to be so useless with boundarys. Im so pleased to have him home or to call whenever he can. But i just cant seem to let myself do it to him. And if i do ifeel bad. He is not getting any therapy. Nor is he admitting he has a problem which is a main concern for me at the moment. How are things ever gona change if  he cant admit there is a problem. At the same point i cant seem to let go of everything and walk away. I have had offers from other men and the thought of doin anythin is unbearable. Because they arent him. Even just a date. I couldnt fetch myself to do it. So i just feel kinda stuck. :/. Xx