Warning the replacement?

[bruisedbattered]

Hi all,

    I happen to know my replacement, and he is well aware of the hell I was put through... .   It's probably too late, as I know he has been seduced and is most likely in the idealization phase.   I speak with him on one occasion as he is bartender at my local where my xBPDgf is now barred.   I wish him all the best and no hard feelings.  I also passed him a note asking him to research BPD, and also turn to this website for stories, and advice as he will surely need it.   Is there anything I more I could do?    Have any of you tired to warn your replacement?   I worry for him, he is a shy timid "boy"... 20 years old, and she is 32.   myself 37.     I believe she systematically went for him, knowing very well that I would see him on occasion, and manipulatively trying to get herself unbarred from the cafe/bar.     Poor guy was stabbed 2 months ago, and I really fear for his well being.  My xbf almost tore my heart out and nearly completely trashed my self esteem... ., and I am a normally energetic, strong, outgoing guy...   He doesnt stand a chance...   Live and let die?    Let sleeping dogs lie?   

BnB.

[Ironmanrises]

Even if you warn him, if he is in idealization phase, will he even believe what you are saying to him(put yourself in his position if a previous ex came to you and warned you, would you have believed that person?). Add to that scenario of that warning getting back to your exBPD. And you will get a blowback reaction that you do not need at this point. I get what you are trying to do, which is be a decent human being and try to watch out for this person that you know, but the hell that will ensue in the aftermath, directed at you, is not worth it. Just my opinion. Let that person go through that unfortunate ordeal, perhaps afterwards, he may contact you and then you can both share the experience from a level position.

[charred]

Not to mention warning him will really piss off your exBPDgf... and make much of whatever nonsense she said about you, sound true.

I met one of the ex-husbands of my pwBPD... .and was shocked at the contrast between the man and the stories from her. He looked at me like "you poor SOB"... .  and in hindsight he had good reason.

Nothing he could have said at the time would have changed my opinion of her, I was smitten... .finding out I was in hell,  took time and accepting reality... .but the other guy couldn't have changed it.

[raytamtay3]

Hi all,

   I happen to know my replacement, and he is well aware of the hell I was put through... .  It's probably too late, as I know he has been seduced and is most likely in the idealization phase.   I speak with him on one occasion as he is bartender at my local where my xBPDgf is now barred.   I wish him all the best and no hard feelings.  I also passed him a note asking him to research BPD, and also turn to this website for stories, and advice as he will surely need it.   Is there anything I more I could do?    Have any of you tired to warn your replacement?   I worry for him, he is a shy timid "boy"... 20 years old, and she is 32.   myself 37.     I believe she systematically went for him, knowing very well that I would see him on occasion, and manipulatively trying to get herself unbarred from the cafe/bar.     Poor guy was stabbed 2 months ago, and I really fear for his well being.  My xbf almost tore my heart out and nearly completely trashed my self esteem... ., and I am a normally energetic, strong, outgoing guy...  He doesnt stand a chance...  Live and let die?    Let sleeping dogs lie?  

BnB.

deleted

[bruisedbattered]

You are all right, I guess the "decent" thing to do doesnt really fit in the BPD world... .  In fact I was warned by 2 people I know to run for the hills when I first got involved with my xgf... .    I thought "what's their problem?  she's a bit moody but nothing I can't handle... ."     F... .k was I wrong! 

[Perfidy]

My story is a little different. My replacement knew that the lady was in a relationship with me. So did my ex. Neither of them even took me into account period. No respect whatsoever. Now... After being crapped on like that I have no desire to do anything helpful for eithor. I am reaching the indifference stage.

[charred]

The opposite of having strong feelings for someone (Love for instance)... is indifference... that is not having any feelings one way or another.

You will know you are over her when she is out of sight, out of mind and you are truly fine with that. No hurt, no longing, just indifference.

We come on the leaving board hurting pretty bad... .and with time and some luck ... get less and less bad BPD r/s centric... till we move on with life.

I was devastated the first time I saw my exBPDgf hanging on another guy (30 yrs ago)... saw red, was furious... many years later, happened a few more times... first one got me jealous (as planned)... then I started accepting reality... and the last guy... I had thoughts of warning. I wondered if he would make it work with her and had other neurotic concerns... .but I truly deep down... didn't care about him... it was still her life and story I was clinging too. The other guy like all the other guys before ... .didn't work out.  And for a while I kept wondering about her... but accepting her for what she is, and admitting my role in the toxic r/s... has helped. About 2 months ago I finally blocked her 100% on FB (so I couldn't check her page even)... and quit thinking about her. My posts on this site dropped to almost nothing as well... as the BPD thing is tied to her. I have finally been moving on, making up with my exwife, starting to live again and ceasing to care what she does.


No bully in school ever did one tenth the damage to me that my exBPDgf did... .and I don't track them, as they don't matter. So long as she matters, you will still have feelings for her... hate/irritation/love/longing/disgust... whatever they are... .they are signs you are still tied to her emotionally.

I think if you tried to draft a letter (to not send)... to the guy, you would find it very gut wrenching... rather than liberating.

[GlennT]

I know a very high functioning BPD woman, I was never involved with, who is wealthy, and has been hiring the same guys to do odd jobs for her, for years. I know 4 of them. They all know they are her ex's, fought with each other over her, became supportive of each other during break-ups, waited for their turns to be recycled again, argued again, became friends again, and they are all still in love with her. That is what they told me, each one separately. I have been trying to tell them about BPD, yet, they each wait for their turn. Why? I have studied how she treats each of them, idealizes them, then, discards them again. But, she does'nt devalue them to their faces. She paints them black in her mind, and enters right into discard mode. She simply takes off on a vacation somewhere, or gets into another project.These four men salivate for her return, but they don't tell each other that, they already know each other, and know, their hearts will be broken again, yet they all still remained cordial friends, after all was said and done.

[Perfidy]

Glent? For reals? That is fruggin creepy. The BPD Queen?

[GlennT]

Yep. I've been trying to talk to these guys about BPD. I was just talking to one today. Still in love... .he even told me to tell her he loves her.  

[Perfidy]

Next time you see her ask her if she needs any work done then let me know! Sounds like my kind of lady!

[Phoenix.Rising]

Next time you see her ask her if she needs any work done then let me know! Sounds like my kind of lady!

Ha ha ha ha ha!  LMAO!

[Perfidy]

Yes... My sense of humor is returning. Gradually my smile is coming back... improvement. I love to make people laugh!

[fromheeltoheal]

I know a very high functioning BPD woman, I was never involved with, who is wealthy, and has been hiring the same guys to do odd jobs for her, for years. I know 4 of them. They all know they are her ex's, fought with each other over her, became supportive of each other during break-ups, waited for their turns to be recycled again, argued again, became friends again, and they are all still in love with her. That is what they told me, each one separately. I have been trying to tell them about BPD, yet, they each wait for their turn. Why? I have studied how she treats each of them, idealizes them, then, discards them again. But, she does'nt devalue them to their faces. She paints them black in her mind, and enters right into discard mode. She simply takes off on a vacation somewhere, or gets into another project.These four men salivate for her return, but they don't tell each other that, they already know each other, and know, their hearts will be broken again, yet they all still remained cordial friends, after all was said and done.

Dysfunction junction, all volunteers I'm sure.  Bet she does a couple at once, at least.  Hey, as long as everyone's happy.

[starshine]

My story is a little different. My replacement knew that the lady was in a relationship with me. So did my ex. Neither of them even took me into account period. No respect whatsoever. Now... After being crapped on like that I have no desire to do anything helpful for eithor. I am reaching the indifference stage.

Yup, I was replaced by a woman I thought was a friend of 14 years.  Not only did they not consider me, but my replacement left me a HORRIBLY vile message on my answering machine after I took every plant in my extensive garden out of his yard.  She called me all sorts of horrible names, told me she was going to come after me, was awful.  Then she sent a text explaining it was her Taurus temper.  I still gag when I think about her.  She saw what he did to me, and was part of it all- she wanted what she perceived I had, and went for it!  My BPDexbf was the 2nd ex of mine she had a relationship with.  Seems like she had a thing for my men- how weird and creepy.  I never want to see her or my BPDexbf again.  I hope they both find all the happiness they deserve... .

[Phoenix.Rising]

Yup, I was replaced by a woman I thought was a friend of 14 years.  Not only did they not consider me, but my replacement left me a HORRIBLY vile message on my answering machine after I took every plant in my extensive garden out of his yard.  She called me all sorts of horrible names, told me she was going to come after me, was awful.  Then she sent a text explaining it was her Taurus temper.  I still gag when I think about her.  She saw what he did to me, and was part of it all- she wanted what she perceived I had, and went for it!  My BPDexbf was the 2nd ex of mine she had a relationship with.  Seems like she had a thing for my men- how weird and creepy.  I never want to see her or my BPDexbf again.  I hope they both find all the happiness they deserve... .

I'm truly sorry you had to experience that, Starshine.   

[Pretty Woman]

There is no need to tell your replacement anything.

Listen, your replacement only cares about one person... .themselves.

In my situation my replacement was a mutual friend. Last week she started asking me all these questions... .why did my ex go back to her exes and so on and so forth. Would I take her back again?

This chick is even more insecure than I am.  Here I am trying not to triangulate with my ex and the other woman is trying to do that herself.

(how crazy is that)?

This person knew all about the physical and verbal abuse but has no idea it is BPD and I am keeping it that way. There is nothing worse than being betrayed by a friend.

You have a great big heart. Keep loving.But time to stand up for yourself. You don't owe this person anything and as many are stating, she is infatuated with your ex who is probably feeding her the same bull you were fed. Remember when you were the "white knight"? That is their role now so you are the jerk.

No comment and plead the 5th. Let this unfold naturally. In the end it will confirm what you knew all along. This person cannot hold a normal relationship.

[Pretty Woman]

Perfidy, that comment made me smile. Too funny!

[Perfidy]

Earth angel... I am finally getting to where my endorphins are working again. It pleases me to know that I can bring smiles and laughter again. Thank you for saying that!

[bruisedbattered]

I know a very high functioning BPD woman, I was never involved with, who is wealthy, and has been hiring the same guys to do odd jobs for her, for years. I know 4 of them. They all know they are her ex's, fought with each other over her, became supportive of each other during break-ups, waited for their turns to be recycled again, argued again, became friends again, and they are all still in love with her. That is what they told me, each one separately. I have been trying to tell them about BPD, yet, they each wait for their turn. Why? I have studied how she treats each of them, idealizes them, then, discards them again. But, she does'nt devalue them to their faces. She paints them black in her mind, and enters right into discard mode. She simply takes off on a vacation somewhere, or gets into another project.These four men salivate for her return, but they don't tell each other that, they already know each other, and know, their hearts will be broken again, yet they all still remained cordial friends, after all was said and done.

Wow,  she's like the town bicylcle... .  everyone gets a ride... . 

[strikeforce]

No do not warn the replacement.

If someone had warned me at the beginning I would not have listened and would have told my ex straight away.

Try and warn them and they will think you are just jealous and wanting to mess things up for them, true they will see in a matter of time that you were right but its not worth the fact that it will get back to your ex and might make your situation worse.

[ShadowDancer]

I WAS warned in the beginning. Not by an "ex" but by her very own daughter. And not in a nice gentle way. She called her own mother a whore and a tramp and said she will sleep with ANYONE who pays her bills and NOTHING GOOD EVER COMES OF IT!

Did I listen?... .NOO! Why? I was vaginatized.

[bruisedbattered]

I WAS warned in the beginning. Not by an "ex" but by her very own daughter. And not in a nice gentle way. She called her own mother a whore and a tramp and said she will sleep with ANYONE who pays her bills and NOTHING GOOD EVER COMES OF IT!

Did I listen?... .NOO! Why? I was vaginatized.

LOL!  I hear you!

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi all,

   I happen to know my replacement, and he is well aware of the hell I was put through... .  It's probably too late, as I know he has been seduced and is most likely in the idealization phase.   I speak with him on one occasion as he is bartender at my local where my xBPDgf is now barred.   I wish him all the best and no hard feelings.  I also passed him a note asking him to research BPD, and also turn to this website for stories, and advice as he will surely need it.   Is there anything I more I could do?    Have any of you tired to warn your replacement?   I worry for him, he is a shy timid "boy"... 20 years old, and she is 32.   myself 37.     I believe she systematically went for him, knowing very well that I would see him on occasion, and manipulatively trying to get herself unbarred from the cafe/bar.     Poor guy was stabbed 2 months ago, and I really fear for his well being.  My xbf almost tore my heart out and nearly completely trashed my self esteem... ., and I am a normally energetic, strong, outgoing guy...  He doesnt stand a chance...  Live and let die?    Let sleeping dogs lie?  

BnB.

If your happenings were anything like mine, you are the scum of the earth to the new guy, according to the borderline, so he probably won't listen to you.

If it was me I'd be digging deep for my motivation.  I was definitely trying to rescue my borderline, because that's the way I'm wired, looking deeply at that, but I might see that I was just redirecting those rescuing tendencies from the borderline to the replacement; something to think about?