Ok, Ready to detach... feeling crushed yet... optimistic?

[Tryingnottoslip]

Alright...


I gave up any hope for any sort of potential contact/closure with her after 2 years.

I obviously have the NC etched into my mind.


Detachment? uuhhhhhhhh?  im packed but... .? don't know where to go from here. And I NEED TO GO. Life isn't worth living ruminating and thinking about someone who is not worth it.

As angry and crushed as I may be, I'm optimistic. I can find a good person to have a relationship with. Most importantly, I can find myself. and get better... Strengthen and attend wounds. Maybe I'll come out stronger.

I'm sad because I'm letting go of what could of been... .in my mind. I'm saying farewell to the girl in my mind. She does not exist in real life.  We had alot of potential but I can't anymore.

[bruisedbattered]

Dont look back,  the woman you loved was an illusion.  There are plenty of "real" women out there!   

[TakingWingAtLast]

TryingnottoSlip,

B&B really says it all.  It's time to be brave and courageous about your own life.  Create the life you always dreamed!  Get involved in the things you love.  Be in the moment about the things that really matter in your life.  And be ready to be open for the truly great experiences life has to offer.  And that will be the most fulfilling act you can do for yourself.  The love will come after you've taken care of yourself and have come unto yourself.

Go get it!

D

[redkong]

Tryingnottoslip,

You already have the answer - the person you're saying goodbye to, the relationship that "could have been," was a mirage, and really could not have been with your ex.  I know it's hard, I can relate, but try to resist the mirage and focus on staying optimistic and finding someone who really matches what "could be." 

Getting to know more about yourself is a great idea - you can definitely come out stronger. 

[Tryingnottoslip]

Thank you all.

It's hard. Many nights I've spent this past two years pretending how it would be if she would be in my bed without BPD. Pretending that she's normal and we have a loving relationship. Jesus Christ that's pathetic. I feel In love with an illusion. Someone that exists in physical form but is a complete 180 in my mind.

That was my mind painting her white. She doesn't exist. I have to get it through my head.

[Tryingnottoslip]

It's just hard to let go of what could of been in my mind, as cliche as it may sound... .what could of been is not what is. It's far from it.

[seeking balance]

It's just hard to let go of what could of been in my mind, as cliche as it may sound... .what could of been is not what is. It's far from it.

The Disney Dream is grieved as much as anything.

Letting go hurts, and there were many days I wish I didn't know what I learned about BPD.

What is, that is the key... .being happy requires wanting the reality of what you have.  I didn't want the chaos, I wanted the promise of the dream... .letting go of the dream means shedding many tears... .but it gets better.

Peace,

SB

[Tryingnottoslip]

SB if you don't mind me asking,

Why were there days in which you didn't want to know about BPD?

Truthfully, reality hit me hard when I heard the news. The hope, the girl in my mind all gone. I lost hope and in losing hope, I can detach, I can move on.

I'm in pain. But I choose to do something about it. I don't know what yet! But I want to be better and That's a start right?

[seeking balance]

Looking at the reality of BPD meant I had to dig deep with my own stuff and truly accept being powerless... .the relationship I thought I had was not real, it was BPD induced based on a whim, emotional need from us both.   Knowing the facts of BPD meant accepting it was over, accepting my heartbreak and having the courage to deal with my issues and keep moving forward in life with eyes wide open.

It is much easier to put ones head in the sand, grab another relationship and not really feel all that pain... .the painful days were the ones where I wish I had no knowledge of BPD.

[Tryingnottoslip]

Profound words SB

I guess I could add on to what your saying, when I realized that she's in a relationship all the BPD things I've read hit me all at once.

I had hope, I clinged onto to words that were said, I thought she had the same rationale as us. I was so wrong I am laughing at how wrong I am. I am faced with the truth. She didn't care or love me, not even when we were together.  She never had any consideration for me nor did she respect me as a human let alone a partner.

I thought she would realize this and apologize. I thought she would say something. What did she do? Paint me black. Have sex with numerous men... .where was I in her mind? No where. I got to get over her and detach for me.