How Did I Get Here?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It has been awhile since I have posted at this site.  I think this post is just some venting to others going through it or who have been there already.  It has been a journey. Mine has been much shorter than many on here.  I got married on 12/12/12 to my diagnosed BPD wife.  There were signs and troubles before we got married. I knew better.  Love or was it lust that clouded my judgement to tie the not?  Probably the latter.  Prior to getting married, a prenuptial (will be a lifesaver) was completed. She really fought that one.

I filed for legal separation in late May, 2013.  Yes, about a six month marriage.  It was time to call it quits and get my sanity back.  I moved back into a house I had maintained while we were together. My safe house.  She hasn't been served. I needed to complete a schedule of assets and liabilities. I have procrastinated about it.  For various reasons, I delayed.  Perhaps she was going to get better?  She said she was working on herself.  Yeah, right.  And Santa Clause is going to come and visit my house this year.   My big mistake of not getting this done right after I filed.  I abhor paperwork.  And there is much.  Assets in the seven digits.  And liabilities in the seven digits.  Lots of paperwork.

Somehow she got into her head that I was going to come over to her apartment for dinner and a movie and whatever else last Friday night.  She had sent the invitation about a week prior via e-mail.  That night I went somewhere else. I sent her an e-mail that I had dinner already. She sent an e-mail reply that it was an ultimatum that I come.  She left 3 or 4 crying her eyes out voice messages. How much she missed me.  How much she loved me.  They hooked me and I gave her a call about 11:30 that night.  I told her I wasn't coming.  She said she was going to come to my house.  I told her no. She pushed and pushed. I said no and said if she showed up, I would call the police. The last time she showed up, I called 911 and had her removed off the property. She was screaming and yelling she was going to throw a brick through the window that night.  She tore up one of my screens trying to get inside. Wow!  It just occurred to me why the window screen was thrown into my backyard. I bet she was concerned about a B&E arrest that night. She didn't want that in hand when the cops saw her.  Dang. Missed opportunity.  I forgot to mention she was physically abusive towards me during our relationship.  Slapping. Scratching. Hitting. Threatening to rape me (how is that possible if a guy isn't in the mood?).

After I told her no about me going there or her coming to my house,  she became very irate.  She blocked my number (I have called 2 or 3 times over the last 3 months) --- not a big deal. She says all future communication with her is to be through my lawyer. She doesn't have one nor can she afford one.  She has the mentality this is a full blown divorce. We have no assets together. We have no kids together.  It can be handled out of court. But she has already informed me she is not going to waive her right to go to court. I don't know what that is about other than to make a spectacle of herself or to attempt to embarrass me with lies and fabrications.  She has ceased e-mail communication with one of her last messages denying she was ever physically abusive towards me.  The message was mostly about me being emotionally and verbally abusive towards her.  Once she has her separation papers, she is going to start dating she claims.  That seems to be her focus now --- dating. I hope she does. It will allow her to focus energy elsewhere.  Good for me.

One of my best decisions was to not go over there.  It once again proves for a BPD person to change is damn near impossible  I am getting my paperwork together to get this divorce moving forward and finalized.  Her actions were a kick in the butt.

On a side note, a friend of mine has offered to serve her. This friend is one my wife had issues with in that she was one of the many women I was accused of having sex with while we were married.  My mean side says, yes.  It would provide fodder for my ex to reach other dimensions of crazy.   My logical side says to use someone else. The logical side wins.

I feel for those on here where you have had kids together. I can only imagine the problems during the divorce and post divorce.  My relationship with this woman has been hell. Having kids and dealing with a BPD spouse would be a whole other version of hell.

ABB

[AliveButBeatup]

It has been awhile since I have posted at this site.  I think this post is just some venting to others going through it or who have been there already.  It has been a journey. Mine has been much shorter than many on here.  I got married on 12/12/12 to my diagnosed BPD wife.  There were signs and troubles before we got married. I knew better.  Love or was it lust that clouded my judgement to tie the not?  Probably the latter.  Prior to getting married, a prenuptial (will be a lifesaver) was completed. She really fought that one.

I filed for legal separation in late May, 2013.  Yes, about a six month marriage.  It was time to call it quits and get my sanity back.  I moved back into a house I had maintained while we were together. My safe house.  She hasn't been served. I needed to complete a schedule of assets and liabilities. I have procrastinated about it.  For various reasons, I delayed.  Perhaps she was going to get better?  She said she was working on herself.  Yeah, right.  And Santa Clause is going to come and visit my house this year.   My big mistake of not getting this done right after I filed.  I abhor paperwork.  And there is much.  Assets in the seven digits.  And liabilities in the seven digits.  Lots of paperwork.

Somehow she got into her head that I was going to come over to her apartment for dinner and a movie and whatever else last Friday night.  She had sent the invitation about a week prior via e-mail.  That night I went somewhere else. I sent her an e-mail that I had dinner already. She sent an e-mail reply that it was an ultimatum that I come.  She left 3 or 4 crying her eyes out voice messages. How much she missed me.  How much she loved me.  They hooked me and I gave her a call about 11:30 that night.  I told her I wasn't coming.  She said she was going to come to my house.  I told her no. She pushed and pushed. I said no and said if she showed up, I would call the police. The last time she showed up, I called 911 and had her removed off the property. She was screaming and yelling she was going to throw a brick through the window that night.  She tore up one of my screens trying to get inside. Wow!  It just occurred to me why the window screen was thrown into my backyard. I bet she was concerned about a B&E arrest that night. She didn't want that in hand when the cops saw her.  Dang. Missed opportunity.  I forgot to mention she was physically abusive towards me during our relationship.  Slapping. Scratching. Hitting. Threatening to rape me (how is that possible if a guy isn't in the mood?).

After I told her no about me going there or her coming to my house,  she became very irate.  She blocked my number (I have called 2 or 3 times over the last 3 months) --- not a big deal. She says all future communication with her is to be through my lawyer. She doesn't have one nor can she afford one.  She has the mentality this is a full blown divorce. We have no assets together. We have no kids together.  It can be handled out of court. But she has already informed me she is not going to waive her right to go to court. I don't know what that is about other than to make a spectacle of herself or to attempt to embarrass me with lies and fabrications.  She has ceased e-mail communication with one of her last messages denying she was ever physically abusive towards me.  The message was mostly about me being emotionally and verbally abusive towards her.  Once she has her separation papers, she is going to start dating she claims.  That seems to be her focus now --- dating. I hope she does. It will allow her to focus energy elsewhere.  Good for me.

One of my best decisions was to not go over there.  It once again proves for a BPD person to change is damn near impossible  I am getting my paperwork together to get this divorce moving forward and finalized.  Her actions were a kick in the butt.

On a side note, a friend of mine has offered to serve her. This friend is one my wife had issues with in that she was one of the many women I was accused of having sex with while we were married.  My mean side says, yes.  It would provide fodder for my ex to reach other dimensions of crazy.   My logical side says to use someone else. The logical side wins.

I feel for those on here where you have had kids together. I can only imagine the problems during the divorce and post divorce.  My relationship with this woman has been hell. Having kids and dealing with a BPD spouse would be a whole other version of hell.

ABB

[ForeverDad]

Yes, use a process server.  A professional is best in case she at some point alleges she wasn't served or served correctly.

Better to do it first.  If she files first she will surely make innumerable claims and allegations and you'd waste time and money getting them out of the way.  Yes, if you do file first she can file counter-claims anyway, but it will be easier for you to portray it as sour grapes or retaliatory allegations.

Do keep your distance.  And keep the case about the simple financial issues which presumably you've got under control.  Be sure you have a legal opinion that your prenup is valid and was properly prepared and executed, meeting your state's minimum rules.

[AliveButBeatup]

Yes, use a process server.  A professional is best in case she at some point alleges she wasn't served or served correctly.

Better to do it first.  If she files first she will surely make innumerable claims and allegations and you'd waste time and money getting them out of the way.  Yes, if you do file first she can file counter-claims anyway, but it will be easier for you to portray it as sour grapes or retaliatory allegations.

Do keep your distance.  And keep the case about the simple financial issues which presumably you've got under control.  Be sure you have a legal opinion that your prenup is valid and was properly prepared and executed, meeting your state's minimum rules.

She had an attorney represent her for the prenup. It was filed with the proper guidelines in my state as far as number of days before marriage.  I have an LLC I created earlier this year to move properties into which she already quit claim deed on that I purchased while we were married.  While I am in this "limbo" period it causes additional headaches.  As much as I would like to pretend she doesn't exist, I have to go through additional steps to prevent her from having access to assets.

[KateCat]

Getting that professional process server ForeverDad mentions will move you forward legally, financially, psychologically, etc. etc. etc., very fast. It's a huge bang for the buck in situations like this.

[livednlearned]

I don't know whether to feel happy for you or sad! Happy that you are being strong and assertive, ending the marriage before you lose years of your life. Sad that someone with BPD can still cause so much trouble, even with a prenup and no kids.

Record everything, keep all her emails and texts. Read Splitting: Divorcing a NPD/BPD Spouse by Bill Eddy -- although it sounds like you are already doing those things, and understand how high-conflict divorces work. It sounds like you are getting counsel from a lawyer?

Venting is good. But so is digging into the reasons why you hooked your wagon to her. Lust may be one reason, but there is usually more beneath that. Maybe it's different for you, I dunno. Leaving the marriage after six months tells me that you have a sense about what you are willing to tolerate, and that's good. That's great actually. Lots of people here seem to have a history of BPD or BPD-type relationships, if not outright BPD families of origin, and we don't see the crazy behavior, or we excuse it, or become big-time hopers.

It's good, too, that you are avoiding contact with her. Watch out for the false allegation stuff. That seems to go with the territory, and documenting everything plus not being in contact with her makes those allegations less likely.

Also, it's great that she can't afford an L. It decreases the chance that she'll get fresh ideas about how to drag this out.

[AliveButBeatup]

I don't know whether to feel happy for you or sad! Happy that you are being strong and assertive, ending the marriage before you lose years of your life. Sad that someone with BPD can still cause so much trouble, even with a prenup and no kids.

Record everything, keep all her emails and texts. Read Splitting: Divorcing a NPD/BPD Spouse by Bill Eddy -- although it sounds like you are already doing those things, and understand how high-conflict divorces work. It sounds like you are getting counsel from a lawyer?

Venting is good. But so is digging into the reasons why you hooked your wagon to her. Lust may be one reason, but there is usually more beneath that. Maybe it's different for you, I dunno. Leaving the marriage after six months tells me that you have a sense about what you are willing to tolerate, and that's good. That's great actually. Lots of people here seem to have a history of BPD or BPD-type relationships, if not outright BPD families of origin, and we don't see the crazy behavior, or we excuse it, or become big-time hopers.

It's good, too, that you are avoiding contact with her. Watch out for the false allegation stuff. That seems to go with the territory, and documenting everything plus not being in contact with her makes those allegations less likely.

Also, it's great that she can't afford an L. It decreases the chance that she'll get fresh ideas about how to drag this out.

I have paid a retainer to an attorney back in May for this divorce, so I do have counsel.  Thanks for the reference to Bill Eddy's info.  I wasn't aware of it and will read it.  High conflict divorce.  A six month marriage becomes a high conflict divorce?  I guess in BPD land that is the case.  After six months, normal folks would admit it was a mistake.  Shake hands and move on.  Right?

I think I have dang near every single one of her text and e-mail messages since the beginning.  I guess in the back of my mind I thought they might prove useful one day.  One thing happened recently that may present a problem.  She has a friend who works for a family law firm and I can tell she is getting some coaching.  There are buzz words in her last e-mails.  Something to the effect of the e-mails are now legal and binding documents.  Her perception is I have verbally and emotionally abused her.  I guess saying no to things is abuse.  She was abandoned.  Funny how that works.  You are abandoned when you ask the person to move out which she did countless times.  She has a very difficult time "connecting the dots".  Behavior on your side does have have a reaction.  Also, she said I was never in way of any harm when it comes to her physical abuse.  She is in denial.  She is a Christian after all (religion and BPD, the perfect cocktail of craziness) and would never do something to harm her spouse.  I have photos of lacerations.  Photos of ripped shirts.  Photos of damaged property.  Video recordings of her slashing away at me with her fingernails.  Letter to me from her adult daughter saying her mother displays psychotic behavior.  A call to 911 where the operator asked if that was my wife yelling and screaming outside my home which would be on the recording as well I am assuming.  She seems to want to cause havoc.  Or at least perceived havoc.  Bottom line is I suspect it will be irreconcilable differences for the reason of the divorce.  My ex-wife-to-be displays crazy behavior for a few days and then seems to mellow out for whatever period of time.  I hope she goes into her mellow mode through the Thanksgiving weekend.

I am probably an atypical BPD spouse/significant other.  Nothing going on in my youth.  Wonderful stable family.  I had a decent 23 year relationship prior to this one.  That fell apart for other reasons.  This whirlwind romance was for other reasons.  I don't have any biological children.  She had 3 minor children that I got along with great.  Instant family.  Wonderful for moments of time.  Hell on earth for a good percentage of the time too!  I have been seeing a T the last few years, so I have somewhat of an idea why I did/do things.  My T did make one comment that struck a chord with me.  She said the person (me) that came in to see here a few years ago wouldn't have tolerated the behavior of my ex-wife-to-be for a second.  She is right.  I tolerated it this relationship for about a year.  I should have pulled the plug on it about week 2 or 3 in hindsight at the first cycle.  I won't tolerate the behavior again from any woman in the future.  My very expensive lesson learning about personality disorders.

Yes, move venting.  I have some close friends who know a good percentage of the things that happened in the relationship.  They are supportive.  However, venting to a group who has been there seems better sometimes.

ABB

[livednlearned]

Bill Eddy is trained as both a therapist (20 years) and family lawyer, so he provides a helpful perspective for people like us who lack experience with either BPD or the court system.

You are basically dealing with an adult who has the emotional maturity of a 3-6 year old. Tantrums and all. That can be a very expensive problem when they are let loose in the legal system. 

[pallavirajsinghani]

Please consider getting video cameras installed to record all around the house (not just the front), also consider them inside.  It is legal when it is your own house and as long as the recording is of the common areas of the house (kitchen, living room, dining room etc.), it is permissible.  No harm in putting a note on the door " 24 hour Video Surveillance"--this covers you legally.

There are many many here (including Forever Dad) who have been falsely accused of physical abuse.  At this time, you are in danger of being a target.  You are dealing with a mentally disordered individual, not necessarily an evil person, but a person for whom perception is reality, feelings are reality.  That is, if she is feeling bad, then in her mind, it must mean that YOU are bad.  If she is feeling afraid, then YOU are the one putting her in danger, if she is feeling abandoned, then YOU are the one who abandoned her... .

So please protect yourself.  If it is necessary to meet with her, keep a recorder and camera available.  Do not even touch her, nor even come physically close if possible.

All the recent school shootings are just bringing the mental illness issues in the forefront.

[AliveButBeatup]

Please consider getting video cameras installed to record all around the house (not just the front), also consider them inside.  It is legal when it is your own house and as long as the recording is of the common areas of the house (kitchen, living room, dining room etc.), it is permissible.  No harm in putting a note on the door " 24 hour Video Surveillance"--this covers you legally.

There are many many here (including Forever Dad) who have been falsely accused of physical abuse.  At this time, you are in danger of being a target.  You are dealing with a mentally disordered individual, not necessarily an evil person, but a person for whom perception is reality, feelings are reality.  That is, if she is feeling bad, then in her mind, it must mean that YOU are bad.  If she is feeling afraid, then YOU are the one putting her in danger, if she is feeling abandoned, then YOU are the one who abandoned her... .

So please protect yourself.  If it is necessary to meet with her, keep a recorder and camera available.  Do not even touch her, nor even come physically close if possible.

All the recent school shootings are just bringing the mental illness issues in the forefront.

At this point, I don't believe there is any reason to meet her or be in physical contact with her.  She insists on going to court at this time for our divorce, so I that should be the only time I see her.  I will be with my attorney in the event that happens.  Of course, by the time the court appearance is to occur she may be off somewhere else in another dimension.

I went through a false accusation of child abuse about 6 months ago.  I have a voice recording of the event.  She sounds pretty crazy in the recording.  Her adult daughter also sent me an e-mail saying her Mom was trying to falsely accuse me.  And she supposedly told friends about it and how horribly she treated me in her search for my forgiveness.  That is an event that is pretty hard to forgive, no?  I had a discussion with a criminal defense attorney about the events.  To the point of possibly doing a preemptive strike with the local police department.  I decided to pass on the process at that time.

Regarding my house.  It has always been my house as I owned it prior to being married.  After having the police called on her the one time for being on my property, she is scared to come over here from what I can see.  Also, it is a 30 minute drive from her place to my place.  I think I may put up some dummy cameras outside and a couple of signs in the event she decides to cruise by.  Perhaps it would give her pause.  I haven't been in the inside of her place in nearly 3 months now.  We had a brief physical meeting about two months ago to exchange a few items.  With no physical contact, I think it is pretty hard to claim physical abuse.  She can claim it, but I am not around.  She has blocked my calls, although I had barely called her.  I haven't tried to text her for what is a couple of months now, so being blocked by her on that front is like, who cares.  I think it is more about her where she cannot call me now.  She told me all future communication with her is to be through my attorney and not to e-mail her anymore.  I hope this holds true, but similar ground has been crossed before in that there have been periods of silence in the past and then it starts up again.  I will say this time seems more permanent.  I can only hope so.

The behavior of BPD people still fascinates me.  I received 3 or 4 bawling phone message from my ex-wife-to-be the night I was invited to come over.  I miss you so much.  Your are the love of my life.  I cannot go on without you.  Please be with me.  I say no and then in about 15 minutes I become Satan.  Amazing.  Absolutely amazing.

And in a weird turn of events, I started a friendship up with a nice lady who is of all things a psychologist.  And she is familiar with BPD.  She is a good sounding board.  Amazing where our paths take us sometimes.

ABB

[catnap]

I hope this holds true, but similar ground has been crossed before in that there have been periods of silence in the past and then it starts up again.  I will say this time seems more permanent.  I can only hope so.

Does your attorney think based on the police report you could get a TRO (Temporary Restraining Order)?  If she breaks that you might be able to get an order with more teeth to it a PO (Protective Order). 

[livednlearned]

She said she was going to come to my house.  I told her no. She pushed and pushed. I said no and said if she showed up, I would call the police. The last time she showed up, I called 911 and had her removed off the property. She was screaming and yelling she was going to throw a brick through the window that night.  She tore up one of my screens trying to get inside.

As the divorce gets closer, and she feels more triggered, crazier stuff may happen.

One of the craziest things about this is how predictable BPD can be. Another member here always says BPD is predictably unpredictable and consistently inconsistent. I started to realize that N/BPDx would always tell me what he was going to do, through either his actions or his words. So I started believing him. Only a few times did he not actually go through with things. Majority of the time, he did.

If she said she would throw a brick through your window, she might just do it. Or if not that, then something equally nutty. The key is to go NC as much as possible. Put a moat around yourself. I created a psychological and emotional island for myself and that has worked well. Now, when I get messages from N/BPDx, it's like getting a puzzle. I look at it, then put it down, then think about it a bit. Then try and figure out what it's about, and then decide whether to do something about it or just toss it.

[ForeverDad]

One aspect of her behavior will be to avoid looking bad.  Well, that's unavoidable, right?  Even reasonably normal people don't want to look bad, with a disordered person that is really extreme.  So be aware - and beware - that she may make allegations in an attempt to make you look worse than her.  That's what my ex tried.  Over and over.  And she was so emotionally convincing that at the beginning quite a few accepted her claims despite them being unsubstantiated.

[AliveButBeatup]

I am patiently waiting to hear if she has been served or not yet this evening.  It may be a race at this point in that if she decides to serve me first, the divorce ends up in another county which will result in more expense to me.

She recently has been pleading for me to serve her.  It seems like that is a pivotal moment in her mind to start dating again. Of course two weeks ago, the pivotal moment was when the divorce was final and it would be a long time after that.

She left a tear filled message Friday evening that this would be the message she would "give" me. I would not hear from her further with any voice messages. That actually has held true amazingly enough.

Of course once she is served with the paperwork in hand, who knows what will happen.

Never a dull moment when you have associations with a BPD person.

ABB

[AliveButBeatup]

Going through the holiday weekend not knowing if she has been served or not. I haven't heard from the server nor have I heard from her.  I am not sure what she is going to do once served.  Although she has asked me to be served in several voice mails, once the reality is before here I am uncertain what to expect.

As of last Saturday, I have not had any voice mails or e-mails from her. It has been 100% NC for a whole week.  This has been surprising. I haven't felt the urge to reach out to her either.  I did look at a few Facebook pages to see if there was any sign or word of her mentioning being served or the divorce.  Nothing.

The last few days have been spent communicating with old girlfriends and a few possible new girlfriends.  I feel my "trust your gut radar" is in good working condition as I have been able to spot issues.

ABB

[AliveButBeatup]

The server has made two attempts. I think the server is inept.  Information was provided where she would be and at what time.  Frustrating. They will attempt to serve her again tonight.  I hope it is successful.

I spoke with her last night. She is on a tangent of she is praying to God to heal our marriage.  She has hopes we will reunite.  I spoke to her softly in what I told her.  I said too many things have not been right. She assured me she has changed greatly. A week and a half ago, she had a meltdown and told me to only communicate with her through my attorney. I asked her about that. She said she was angry.  I think this must be the 3rd or 4th time in 10 months that she has "changed greatly".

God only knows what will unravel as the divorce goes into high gear.

ABB