Why do I remember the GOOD times and forget the BAD?

[KE151]

Selective memory?

Gullability?

Stupidity?

Romantic?

Weak?

Repression?

It would be much easier if it would be the other way round.

Someone please explain!

[Pretty Woman]

Because you love them and are obsessed with them.

I have never been obsessed with someone this much in my entire life!

When my ex ended it less than a month ago she said we were best friends and she loved me very, very much. She couldn't imagine life without me and I was irreplaceable but we should "see other people".

I declined the friendship (no way I was going to be a backup).

All of a sudden she tells me she does not remember our relationship the same as I did, that it was awful and there were no good times. That I was vicious and vindictive.

Clearly something is VERY wrong for someone to split like that.

But it's those moments that leave you guessing what you possibly could have done to ruin this... .and you know what? Even though we are not perfect there is nothing you could have ever done to make this work.

It is not fixable.

My final email to my ex after she said she was changing her email the next day to block me was:

"That is ok. I took two years of abuse and dumpings and I deserve and will find better. I wish you nothing but hapiness. I realize nothing I ever could have done would have helped this relationship work".

I hit send and that's it. That was last Friday.

[frustrated b/f]

That's just the way the brain works. Good and bad memories are triggered by different things in different ways. I don't necessarily think you're obsessed, just missing what you thought you had.

[maxen]

It would be much easier if it would be the other way round.

but then you'd have the BPD.

[KE151]

It would be much easier if it would be the other way round.

but then you'd have the BPD.

That's an intriguing thought. You think they focus on the bad? Surely a pwBPD remembers some good stuff as well, why would they otherwise recycle... ? Out of pain maybe?

[KE151]

That's just the way the brain works. Good and bad memories are triggered by different things in different ways. I don't necessarily think you're obsessed, just missing what you thought you had.

The yearning is just so strong it's beyond missing someone in a regular kind of way?

But still, if you look at it from a biology stand point: it doesn't make sense our brain functions like this. For instance, if you've once touched a flame as a small kid you quite probably will avoid doing it a second time in your life time because YOU KNOW IT HURTS.

For survival reasons, our brain should keep us away from what's bad for us, right? Keep the bad memories intact and erase the good ones to keep us away from more pain. What I'm probably saying... .are our (non's) brains also dysfunctional, so that they don't protect us?

Sorry for the pseudo science... .

[SuzyQ33]

Hi KE151,

I think it is because of self preservation / self protection.  When you as a reasonable person experience it, it is painful and also confusing because it is so different from normally expected behavior... .and from the person your SO projects to be... .so your mind / your inner self then puts it away because it is so conflicting to your other feelings and thoughts about this person that you love... .it is filed away so that you can still live in a 'normal' environment and function normally every day.

Only once enough of the BAD is collected, and seen in context, can the  emotional self begin to join the dots... .that is why so many of us stay in the FOG so long... .sometimes we even keep ourselves there to avoid dealing with the conflicting emotions of how badly we are treated vs how strongly we feel towards the other person... . The emotional self is a very convincing part of us and can help to keep us hooked on the relationship even when the rational thinking part of ourselves know better... .

[frustrated b/f]

That's just the way the brain works. Good and bad memories are triggered by different things in different ways. I don't necessarily think you're obsessed, just missing what you thought you had.

The yearning is just so strong it's beyond missing someone in a regular kind of way?

But still, if you look at it from a biology stand point: it doesn't make sense our brain functions like this. For instance, if you've once touched a flame as a small kid you quite probably will avoid doing it a second time in your life time because YOU KNOW IT HURTS.

For survival reasons, our brain should keep us away from what's bad for us, right? Keep the bad memories intact and erase the good ones to keep us away from more pain. What I'm probably saying... .are our (non's) brains also dysfunctional, so that they don't protect us?

Sorry for the pseudo science... .

To use your own analogy, yes the fire burned us and we'll never forget that when approaching the dangers involving fire. However we also remember wonderful memories of fire; campfires, roasting hotdogs or marsh-mellows, a warm fireplace during the holidays.

It just depends on the context of your thoughts. I know it's frustrating, I do it all the time. I find myself missing only the wonderful times, but when I come across someone who may be potentially toxic, I remember exactly what I don't want (from my experiences w/ my ex)

[KE151]

Because you love them and are obsessed with them.

I have never been obsessed with someone this much in my entire life!

But it's those moments that leave you guessing what you possibly could have done to ruin this... .and you know what? Even though we are not perfect there is nothing you could have ever done to make this work.

It is not fixable.

Hi Earth angel,

I've read most of your posts and I'm appalled at how your ex behaved. You're doing a great job with yourself considering how recent this is for you! 

Yeah, it  is probably the disconnect between rational and emotional that messes up the mind. It's really weird how the mind works and plays tricks on us. We know the person or r/s is not fixable but our feelings are still so strong they try to manually override the rational side. I've noticed I've been making excuses for HER behavior. Codep at its height.

[KE151]

Only once enough of the BAD is collected, and seen in context, can the  emotional self begin to join the dots... .

It was a lightbulb moment for me to read this. 

I guess it's when we're finally over them, right?... .and because of the disconnect and confusion it just takes longer to get there after a BPD r/s. But we'll get there, eventually.

Thank you.

[Perfidy]

I believe that I remember the good because that is how I want my life to be. I block out the bad and focus on the good. I call it being positive. Positive to a fault where the bad overwhelms the good and it became toxic to me. It's sad that I have to think of myself as being able to tolerate so much crap. Being able to take it is a double edged sword. It's strength is its weakness. Somewhere, sometime I hope to find a balance in this. Better boundaries is an excellent start.

[seeking balance]

I am aligned with Perfidy on this - simply, some people have a glass 1/2 full and some have 1/2 empty.

Yours is 1/2 full - so be grateful - this same attitude will serve you well in life.


Regarding the brain, stockholm syndrome explains how the brain attaches to an abuser.  Not logical, but real.

[Nicco]

I was thinking EXACTLY the same this afternoon... .how can my mind split the good part of her from the bad one?

When a "healty" relationship is closed is normal to think about the good moments and our ex partner... .is normal that even the personality aspects/behaviours whe enjoyed less of that person come out again under a more beneficial light... .i guess is what we call "nostalgia".

But what about a sick relationship?Instinctively when we think to something that is been hurting/toxic for us our mind should automatically give us a burst of repulsiveness... .the instinct to walk away... .so,for god's sake,why thinking at her i feel irresistibly?like if every law that guides the instinct would be asleep.

Suddenly after,another question get in my mind... .what's worng with me?

[maxen]

It would be much easier if it would be the other way round.

but then you'd have the BPD.

That's an intriguing thought. You think they focus on the bad?

i can't say that for every person with BPD, they're individuals too, but my pwBPD seems only able to remember, or to emphasize, the bad (i think this is part of the splitting).

me: "don't you remember any other the good times?"

she: "yes, but ... ." and then a litany of things i did that hurt her. not one mention of all i did out of lovingkindness or even to help.

cf: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=211639.0

[BuildingFromScratch]

The irony is... .their splitting of us that caused such erratic, heartless behavior damaged us in a similar way that led to their BPD. I think many of us did a "splitting" with them. Because I think in your mind, there is two hers.

[charred]

I remember plenty of bad... far too much of it. However while I was in the clutches of the toxic r/s I rationalized away about anything she did... took it to heart as my failure of one type or another. Noticed that when I finally began accepting reality... .my memory improved markedly.

She did things like try to paint my exwife black... .claimed that ex was harassing her, texting her and threatening her. My exwife claimed my pwBPD was doing those things. So instead of defending my pwBPD... I asked  my pwBPD to see the texts... and she told me she had deleted them, as they were upsetting to her. Asked exwife to show me... .and she whipped out her cell phone and showed me. From that point on... .anything my pwBPD claimed... had to be backed with proof, and the horrible push/pull and manipulation games were pretty rapidly brought to a stop.

First time we dated (pwBPD) was many years ago, and after it, I only wanted to remember the good, like I was punishing myself for losing something wonderful. Fact is, the first go round was bumpy as well.

I think the BPD idealizing and blowing smoke and apparent unconditional love... .makes us accept our relationship with them as though it were a primary one (like a parent.)  We have our own FOO issues and having that unconditional love we should have had when we were infants seems better late than never, we eat it up, the world feels right finally... .and then they get tired of acting like something they are not (nice)... and go from Dr. Jeckyl to Mr. Hyde... but we are reacting to them as we would with a parent... and rationalize everything they do, take all the BS they fling at us to heart and try (pathetically) to please them. When it ends we feel like we lost a parent (or worse even, since our parents are typically not ideal or we wouldn't respond at a deep level to a pwBPD)... and like someone that lost their parents... we wallow in guilt, miss them terribly and ruminate over the lost good times and the future we won't have with them. The depression can be deep and very hard to break. Normal r/s do not get that kind of responses when they end. If you have known anyone who grew up in a really abusive family... .when a parent passes... .despite whatever the parent did... the kid is just like us typically, deeply depressed, remembering only the good, etc. Part of the intense pain is the pwBPD pulling all our scabs from our FOO off and bringing all that pain back to the surface.

[Perfidy]

Charred I agree on some of the feeling part. The love bond that develops from an ongoing sexual relationship, in my humble opinion, is considerably different than the bond between myself and my parents. I wish it was just that simple. I had a crappy relationship with a parent that should have loved me so all of my relationships are going to suck as well. I really have a hard time with that because I didn't have sex with my parents and I know that the bond was quite different with my ex. When my father passed away I was not nearly as devastated. I grieved and I mourned but I didn't become depressed or suicidal. Rejection from a lover attacked every bit of good that is in me. Self esteem,self confidence,self love,self respect, it destroyed all of my self worth... Here's the biggest messed up part... .I tried to get her to leave for years! When she finally did I was crushed! To top it all off she really wasn't all that. She was hooked on meth and destroyed... Yes, this doesn't say much for me but she did satisfy some twisted need in me. I used to tell people that she did something for the f'd up part of my brain... I really thought I was just joking when I said that but it's about as spot on as it gets!

[charred]

There is a good, but slightly depressing book called "A General Theory of Love" and it explains that we learn what love is as infants... .whatever we experience is what we respond to. The kind of r/s our parents had with each other and with us... is what we accept as love. Then we go out and respond to people like what we knew as infants. If you had loving parents, who showered you with unconditional love, made you feel secure and you grew up well... you would march out and take on the world ... .with George Clooney/Bono like confidence.

Pretty sure most of us didn't have that in our FOO... .my mother's mother died when she was 5... and she is awkward/traumatized around young kids... (but she was pretty much the one to raise her younger sisters, her dad dropped her off at grandparents after her mother died... and he was gone till she was 13.)

So when we feel sparks... we think "true love"... and we experience feelings (mostly lust, but... .) and they tell us we are great and in my opinion... .we put them where that great parent should have been. Which turns out to be a terrible decision.

The FOO issues and the pwBPD combine to make a perfect storm of a toxic r/s. I do think it can be more intense than a parent's death... .but it is so much more intense than a normal r/s ending that  something has to explain it, and in my case ... .there was over 25 yrs... .half my life, that passed between when she dumped me and we had contact again... .and the intensity was instantly 100% there again. That doesn't happen in a normal r/s... I have seen other people I dated and there was a smile and a warm feeling, but that was it. This BPD thing ... .ended with me divorcing, losing my family, more than 1/2 of what I owned and a great job.  Accepting reality and really accepting who they are is only thing that broke me free. Now I force myself to remember the bad along with the good... makes me want to stay far away from her.

[Perfidy]

Completely with staying as far from her as I can. My instincts are telling me this... .After we split she called me her "soulmate". Tried to hand me the lame ass friend bullhit. Something fundamentally wrong with taking a massive crap on a person that endured abuse for years and then expecting friendship. I really have not ever experienced anything like this in my life. She is the only person on this earth I would not piss on if she were on fire. Seriously... When I try to put this in perspective... .The guy she took up with... wth? He knew she was spoken for... She played a really messed up game. I know for myself that I would never accept any advances from a taken woman! It's like one day she was in a relationship with me and the next day she was with him! She failed to tell me this for months. It was the worst possible end to a relationship short of someone getting hurt or arrested. I kept my cool... Had plenty of the insanity. Just took myself away and let the poison work itself out.

[Perfidy]

Sorry staff... Got a little carried away...

[hurtbyboderline]

When I find myself not remembering the bad things I come to this site & read posts. I am VERY quickly reminded of the bad things! It seems that most of us have the same stories just didn't names & places... .zzz