Behind the scene manipulation

[Sitara]

We moved a few months ago and since my parents didn't really bother to say goodbye and the relationship was already dissolving before we left, I have made no attempts to contact them to tell them how we are or give them our address.  Since we moved, my mom has been trying to manipulate one of my husband's relatives into giving her our address saying, "Sitara doesn't answer when I call."  Well, it's kind of hard to answer a phone that never rings.  My mom did finally get desperate enough to text me for my address, but she's been manipulating this relative the whole time we've been gone.  I had a long conversation with this relative before we left saying that my mom might try to do some of these things, so I think it helped.  However part of me is nervous because this is the only successful family relationship I have, and I'm worried that my mom's influence is going to break it down.  She's already actively tried at least once with this same person.  I never told her that she couldn't call or that I wouldn't give her my address - she's the one who has decided she wants to know things about me without actually talking to me.  Does the pwBPD in your life try to manipulate other people to get information about you? 

[Bracken]

Hi Sitara

Yes. But even worse than GETTING info about me behind the scenes - has been the SPREADING of destructive false info.

I was a "pawn"  - esp. after my father died.  It gave Mother ABSOLUTE control. Not only in how she moved me around her chessboard - but in how she presented me to the world. She had all the credibility then.

The most devastating event: Mother trashing me when I first went away to college. When I told her my wish to live in a big old shared house managed by a prof, she - (with no hint to me) -  phoned the college President and informed him that I was going to "shack up" with that prof. Insane! I was a shy, "good" kid - had never dated -  just wanted out of a noisy shared bedroom in the dorm.  I doubt that Mother "suspected" anything - just wanted to show POWER over me. I left that college - devastated. Then, Mom had family friends, in another place, board me out with people who had recently lost their daughter. (To suicide, I discovered after a few weeks there.) A severely depressed place. Meanwhile, the family friends believed Mother: I was a "handful", to be kept under strict CONTROL. And their daughter - whom I idolized - wouldn't see me. My heart and spirit were all but broken.

[Sitara]

A continuation from my original post: I had texted my mom back my address with a clear boundary attached - she could send gifts but has to keep them small because we don't have much room.

I got an email yesterday and a facebook message today from my dad asking for my address.  I responded to him that I sent it to mom over a week ago.  He immediately replied back that they haven't received anything back, and again asked for my address.

I'm so tired of my mom putting other people in the middle when she just can't deal with the situation.  She does this sort of stuff all the time.  She'll make one measly attempt, and when it doesn't work out perfectly, she either gives up or starts making someone else do the work.  She puts my dad in the middle all the time, and she used to put my husband in the middle.  So very frustrating to have your mom call your husband for the main point of "ask your wife this," or "tell your wife that."

I really don't want to keep this dynamic of my mom putting my dad in the middle, so I really don't want to respond to him with our address.  Plus part of me wonders if she "didn't get the message" in hopes that I will not re-state my boundary so she can ignore that part.  I'm very skeptical that she didn't get the text back, but at the same time that sort of stuff does happen every so often.  I'm thinking of just re-sending the exact text to my mom, and telling my dad I re-sent it.  I'm just very frustrated.  Any advice is welcome.