I need all my BPD family right now...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Ft honor   of you who have followed my story you know I have been 2months no contact and 3 months since he left me. I received an email today and I am posting the conversation... .

My ex: So how about some company later. I haven't been with anyone like you thought I have. I never said I was sleeping with anyone. I just miss u and haven't seen you for awhile. I am not dating anyone so u don't have to worry about anyone else. Let me know.

Me: you told me you had a girlfriend the last time we talked.

My ex: I dated someone. That's it.

Me: So why do you think I would want to see you after you were with another woman? And why would you want to see me? The fact that you could be with anyone else,  especially so soon after you left me,  sends a pretty clear picture. I'm not interested in your games. Stop teasing me. You made your choiceo why do you think I would want to see you after you were with another woman? And why would you want to see me? The fact that you could be with anyone else,  especially so soon after you left me,  sends a pretty clear picture. I'm not interested in your games. Stop teasing me. You made your choice

My ex: Ok I respect that.


And that was it. Now I'm sitting here with this craziness in my head and thoughts are flooring me and I'm feeling so bad. Honestly he was so nonchalant. I don't even understand what that was. I mean was it a booty call?  We spent 8 years together. How can he just email me like that and throw my world in a spin cycle when I'm still trying to pick up the pieces and then just act like he could take it or leave it and be hone again?  Oh and how tempting that was... .To know I could've seen him and touched him and loved him. I need help everyone. Please help me understand what he is trying to do and if I did the right thing. Is he going to leave me alone

now?  I'm sorry... .I know nobody has a crystal ball. But he just keeps dragging me around and I need to make sense out of all this. Thanks to all of you I was somewhat prepared for him to contact me and try to recycle even though I didn't think he really would. Everything you all have taught me made me tell him no. I just hope I did the right thing. He said he misses me. I miss him too. Maybe that means he really regrets his choice to leave?  I'm spinning... .

[Supernova9star]

Ft honor   of you who have followed my story you know I have been 2months no contact and 3 months since he left me. I received an email today and I am posting the conversation... .

My ex: So how about some company later. I haven't been with anyone like you thought I have. I never said I was sleeping with anyone. I just miss u and haven't seen you for awhile. I am not dating anyone so u don't have to worry about anyone else. Let me know.

Me: you told me you had a girlfriend the last time we talked.

My ex: I dated someone. That's it.

Me: So why do you think I would want to see you after you were with another woman? And why would you want to see me? The fact that you could be with anyone else,  especially so soon after you left me,  sends a pretty clear picture. I'm not interested in your games. Stop teasing me. You made your choiceo why do you think I would want to see you after you were with another woman? And why would you want to see me? The fact that you could be with anyone else,  especially so soon after you left me,  sends a pretty clear picture. I'm not interested in your games. Stop teasing me. You made your choice

My ex: Ok I respect that.


And that was it. Now I'm sitting here with this craziness in my head and thoughts are flooring me and I'm feeling so bad. Honestly he was so nonchalant. I don't even understand what that was. I mean was it a booty call?  We spent 8 years together. How can he just email me like that and throw my world in a spin cycle when I'm still trying to pick up the pieces and then just act like he could take it or leave it and be hone again?  Oh and how tempting that was... .To know I could've seen him and touched him and loved him. I need help everyone. Please help me understand what he is trying to do and if I did the right thing. Is he going to leave me alone

now?  I'm sorry... .I know nobody has a crystal ball. But he just keeps dragging me around and I need to make sense out of all this. Thanks to all of you I was somewhat prepared for him to contact me and try to recycle even though I didn't think he really would. Everything you all have taught me made me tell him no. I just hope I did the right thing. He said he misses me. I miss him too. Maybe that means he really regrets his choice to leave?  I'm spinning... .

[RecycledNoMore]

Ass

He was just fishing to see if he could get a quick ego shot from you.

When you denied him, he would have just emailed the next girl on his list.

While you are left feeling lost, in a spin.

I read this in another thread " we are interchangable"

That is their squewd perception of us.

It is wrong.

Im sorry if this hurts, it hurts me too.

I Know that feeling when they dangle the carrot in front of you, it would be so tempting just to reach out and grab it... .

Then what?

He leaves feeling satisfied that hes still got you on tap.

You are left feeling confused and alone.

Im sorry supernova

Ass.

[redkong]

SN9S,

So sorry to hear you experienced this recent turmoil.  Email exchanges like that can definitely be confusing and upsetting.

One thing to remember is that even if he does miss you, it isn't in the same way you might miss him.  In addition, it is more than likely he was just trying to satisfy some need on his end, whether that was testing the boundaries or getting you to react or whatever.

The very fact that this email exchange sent you spinning is support for your decision to go NC.  Have you considered blocking his emails or at least filtering them away from your inbox?   I set up a filter so my ex BPDgf's emails go to a specific folder. I read them when and if I choose to, and they don't pop up unexpectedly in my face in my inbox, which can be hard.

Hang in there 

[living in the past]

You handled it good ,my x alochlic gf contacted me after 20yrs she wanted me to go apartment hunting with her , it will all seem less important tomorrow.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry you're going through that; we all know how painful conflicting emotions can be when they send us spinning.

You know this guy and we don't, although let's assume he exhibits borderline traits since you're on this site.  Plus you've got 8 years of history, and I know your emotions are spinning, but focus on these:

Does he respect you?

Do you trust him?

Can he/will he meet your needs and wants long term?

Have you forgiven the hurt he caused when he left?

Would you take him back if he asked?

Standard borderline behavior is he was having a bad day, thought of you as a possible way to fix it, and tried what he tried.  There's a lot to be said for living in the moment, but to the exclusion of all the facts and emotions of the past is just childish, which is appropriate for someone who is emotionally stunted.

I know there's a pull that makes you want to be with him, probably just as strong as the one telling you not to.  Your logic is the right thing to listen to right now, not your heart.  One thing that helped me was to make a list of all the unacceptable sht she did and said, and read it at times like this as a reminder of hell, which my heart too easily glazed over.

So now, if you're clear that you need to get off the crazytrain for good, if that's how you see it, notice what reading that email did to your emotional state; it spun you out.  So the lesson is don't read any more emails, in fact I set up a rule in Outlook so it would get routed directly to my trash folder, since just seeing her name in the inbox would trigger me.  :)oing things like that is difficult because there's a finality to it, you are taking steps to remove him from your life, one more piece, and it hurts, I get it.  But be strong now and do what your logic says is right.  Take care of you.

[irishmarmot]

Hang in there, changing your email address may not be a bad idea as difficult as it will be, the more time u give yourself without contact the easier it will be to heal.  Simple concept but not easy!  Think about the great relationship you will have in the future from all the insight you are gaining.   Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  I know it's a cliche but it makes sense to me right now with my exBPD.

[bluebell7]

Sorry I don't know your background, but sometimes the best way to stop the cycle is to not answer.  NO answer at all.  Breaking contact after deciding that a relationship is toxic... .does NOT mean that you are being cruel.  This was very painful for me, but it was the best thing.  I no longer believe that I caused their pain!  Or that contact was going to resolve anything.

When it was necessary topic, then I sent only a limited reply and nothing personal.  You can have a private life now.  A reply means they have our attention.  An argument can satisfy the need for attention, but torture us.

My sister gave me good advice for my X.  Ignore any messages that were not subjects we needed to talk about.  Never answer messages during working hours.  Only answer after taking time to think about what you want to say- eliminate sending defenses-arguments-or explanation of my decisions.  Expect a mean or irrational response.  :)ecide in advance - not to respond.  You can even stop answering phone calls.

With my x mother in law, about half way through our 17 year marriage we had to cut all contact with her.  After 2 years, of turmoil - trying was still so ugly, there was no resolution.  Every contact provoked new accusations and hurt.  Every few years we hear from her.  She wrote a letter to my priest.  Later we found a letter to the editor that she wrote in response to a newspaper article.  She was justifying herself to us in the newspaper.  Later we started to get a magazine about her interests... .she started a subscription for us.  Then last year, 20 years after the estrangement, 10 years after the divorce she sent me a letter, repeating her judgments of me, veiled in a strange sort of non-apology.  We didn't respond to any of these provocations.

Bottom line, as painful as it was to end it that way, it was well worth it to just cut off contact.  My X learned pretty fast that I was not going to argue and he was not getting my attention.  His mom is taking longer... .Sad, though I cared deeply for both of them and I didn't want estrangements in my life.  But I learned to see that doing what was necessary to heal from a toxic relationship did not make me a bad person.  

Good Luck and take care of yourself as best as you can!

[patientandclear]

SN9S -- how about going back to look at that text exchange w/him you posged here about a month ago? After re-reading that, I bet you'll be clearer that you did the right thing today.   

[maxen]

hi supernova. i'm so sorry for the situation you're in.   something very like this happened to me this summer and i know what an emotional hell it is.

re-read this bit:

My ex: So how about some company later. I haven't been with anyone like you thought I have. I never said I was sleeping with anyone. I just miss u and haven't seen you for awhile.

is that the language of someone who is seriously interested? the advice you've received above is good: don't respond in future, and we all of us on BPDf know how very hard that may be. post here instead of responding, or call a friend.

[Pretty Woman]

Now go completely nc and change your number if you can.  Do not respond. Any response gives them something.

[Supernova9star]

So it wasn't a good thing for me to have responded at all?  I guess I felt like it was a huge step just for me to say no but I see that silence would've been the best choice. It'sso hard to just ignore him. But I will do what I have to to end this. I just feel like i lost him all over again and it hurts. It already hurt to have the first Thanksgiving in 8 years without him but this made it worse. And I was  feeling so good that i  made it this far too. Does he have any idea how this makes me feel or how much it hurts?  Does that give him satisfaction to mess with me? I hate this... .

[fromheeltoheal]

So it wasn't a good thing for me to have responded at all?  I guess I felt like it was a huge step just for me to say no but I see that silence would've been the best choice. It'sso hard to just ignore him. But I will do what I have to to end this.

You setting boundaries with him is a good thing, although obviously there's emotional fallout for you just having the exchange.  In the long run you might agree that it's best to cut your losses; there's no having an rational exchange with a disordered person.

I just feel like i lost him all over again and it hurts. It already hurt to have the first Thanksgiving in 8 years without him but this made it worse.

Yes.  That's the downside of contact; it's like starting all over again.

And I was  feeling so good that i  made it this far too. Does he have any idea how this makes me feel or how much it hurts?  :)oes that give him satisfaction to mess with me? I hate this... .

No.  A borderline is emotionally stunted and does not have the ability to empathize, so no, he cannot connect with how he makes you feel.  And that makes him unreliable as far as your feelings go.

It probably doesn't give him any satisfaction, he's just trying to deal with his own sht best he knows how.  A borderline is disordered, not mean or malicious, although it can seem that way to those of us in the real world.

So here's an opportunity to redouble your efforts.  Staying NC and participating here are big steps, steps you need to give yourself credit for.  Feel free to beat yourself up for a minute and a half, and then get back on the detachment horse, doubly committed to take care of you; you're the only one who can at this point.

[bluebell7]

Please don't be discouraged.  You have made it far.  

It is very hard, the first year and maybe the second, too.  About 2 years before my divorce I had a restraining order over thanksgiving.  (He had hurt the kids in his anger). Then I was writing my divorce complaint over the next Christmas.  That's my story, we know how hard it is.  

Does he know... .probably doesn't have the capacity.  That's one of the reasons we have to walk away, and talking doesn't help.  There can be moments of clarity though, and that's confusing for us.  But the reality of the disorder doesn't go away... .it comes back... .

It will get easier.  Even if it seems like it won't.  You'll grow in ways you probably don't expect.  Coming out from under this can open up new things for you.  

[Supernova9star]

I feel like I failed a test. I was so caught up in not giving in and trying to stand my ground but I didn't see clearly that he was baiting me.  I did go back and read the text messages from him that I posted from 2 months ago... .The were  cruel and heartless things he said to me. AndiI don't forgive that. Nor do I trust him. I will block his email. It's the final step since I've  blocked everything else.

I will double my efforts now. I guess I thought I was trying hard but it wasn't good enough considering how easily he rattled me. I will block every avenue he has to reach me. I really feel like you all must think im a basket case. It is odd but now that I've had NCand then he emailed,  I  am conscious of myself feeling like a scared little girl inside. I'm 37. So there is a blessing in this because I'm being shown that he triggers something deep and dark from many years ago. Now if I could only figure out how to heal that (whatever THAT is exactly ) it's definitely a feeling of fear and guilt/shame. My mother was very narcissistic and my father left when I was 3. I took care of my mom's emotions for years. She withdrew and neglected me on a regular basis. I was very much alone as a child. I only ever wanted to be loved. When iI met my ex,  he made that lonely feeling I had since I was a little girl go away for the first time in my life. I feel like there is a bond there because of how intensely I attached to him. And now I'm that lonely little girl again.  :'(

[fromheeltoheal]

I really feel like you all must think im a basket case.

NOT AT ALL.  Because we're all where/have been exactly where you are, recovering from the fallout of a relationship with a person with a serious mental illness.  :)on't fear judgement around here, there isn't any.

So there is a blessing in this because I'm being shown that he triggers something deep and dark from many years ago. Now if I could only figure out how to heal that (whatever THAT is exactly ) it's definitely a feeling of fear and guilt/shame. My mother was very narcissistic and my father left when I was 3. I took care of my mom's emotions for years. She withdrew and neglected me on a regular basis. I was very much alone as a child. I only ever wanted to be loved. When iI met my ex,  he made that lonely feeling I had since I was a little girl go away for the first time in my life. I feel like there is a bond there because of how intensely I attached to him. And now I'm that lonely little girl again.  :'(

Excellent insight.  That is the gift of a relationship with a borderline; an opportunity, motivated by pain, to dig deep, discover and work on all the unfinished business from our past.  What if you're exactly where you're supposed to be, and your borderline showed up in your life at the time you needed him to, because it's time to deal with that stuff?  How awesome is that?  And I can tell you from experience that you will come out of this better, healthier and happier than you've ever been, just do the work and it will happen without question.

Stop the bleeding first, block those emails, stay here, and take care of you!

[MammaMia]

Supernova

What I got from reading his e-mail is that he was making it clear he wanted sex.  Just sex.  There was no real attachment, because he is not capable.  No words of endearment, remorse, or interest in your emotional wellbeing.  It was all about him.  He did not even care enough to pretend to be sincere.  

How would you feel if you had given in, spent time with him, had sex, and re-fueled your love/need for him ... .only to have him walk away again?  

You did the right thing.  If he is still able to destroy you with an e-mail, you need to remove his ability to contact you.

You cannot start to heal until the pain starts to subside.  Go NC.

YOU failed no one.  You stood up for yourself.

[Changingman]

God bless,

You are terribly hurt, to understate it.

NC rule, take time out, nothing has to be rushed.

A parasite has entered your life, it feeds of emotions of others. If they were on an island alone they would not have BPD, it exists inside relationships... .no relationship=NC=No chaos=healing

Love to you

[GlennT]

Well done. You've kept every bit of your self-respect. You did give your BPD the power he needed though, and that is to upset you. That is their power, being able to upset you. Do not let them see you upset.You see, they need to re-experience the childhood abandonment trauma they felt long ago, although they don't know it. You gave that to him also. If you did'nt, he would have found a way to sabotage the relationship anyway. Did you read gregory's post above, how his BPD contacted him 20 years later to look for an apartment with her ? That is how deep their abandonment issues go. Let him go. You have to be very strong with them. You can do it!

[patientandclear]

I agree with everyone who said you responded extremely well.  Nothing is lost by responding, in my view. The challenge is to maintain the state of mind you were in when you responded, and not destroy yourself with doubt about whether what you want(ed) with him is really available and you could have had it if you'd just let him come over when he emailed.

Going back and reading those texts is an exercise that should help with that.  :)o it repeatedly.  Carry them in your bag if you need to.  I have a list of things I don't respect and things that really hurt me that I can always access if I start to idealize my ex and our time together.

Your situation here reminds me of posts from a user named NevestNA from back when I first was on the boards.  She got the kind of email I was longing for from her ex, about 2 steps more serious-sounding that the one you got.  It seemed to say he wanted her back.  She didn't respond, and then a few weeks later, found out from other friends that at the time he wrote it, he'd been on a cruise with the second replacement since their r/s.  She was really broken up at how deceitful he'd been in reaching out to her, and came here to process that.  I remember her writing that the reason she hadn't responded in the first place was that the effort was so lame.  Her point was that if you ruined a r/s that had seemed so valuable, and you wanted it back, you'd need to be prepared to do so much more -- to really make it up to your former partner, to register how much hurt had happened, to restore trust.  Instead this email was sort of "I miss you so much, what do you think of trying again, hope to hear from you soon!"

This is the least conceivable effort under the circumstances and it signals how much effort they'll be willing to put in to protect your feelings or hold things together the next time their feelings go sideways: not much.

My ex seemed devastated by our breakup.  He blamed me though, even though he'd left me, and the discussion we finally had about maybe getting back together was devoid of any analysis on his part of what had happened & why.  He just wanted to press the restart button.  When I wanted him to try to figure out why he'd found it necessary to just end things when a problem came up, he wasn't up for that.  Not very promising way to begin again after such devastation.

So if you are second-guessing, because you want so badly for him to come back to you with sincerity and commitment, read the email and see how flat-out lame it is.  And don't doubt for a second you did the right thing.

[Learning_curve74]

Supernova, you are doing the best you can at this time; life doesn't come with an instruction book, and it tends to throw us a lot of curveballs that are hard to handle.

I totally identify with what you said about only ever wanting to be loved. That is very powerful especially if we did not feel loved by parents while growing up. Realizing this is an important step in healing.

Detaching is a process and not necessarily a linear one. We are all learning and growing, as long we're headed in the right general direction we'll be okay. You have some good insight and a good head on your shoulders, so you'll make it even though it seems so hard right now. 

[momtara]

"company"?  Ugh, aggravating.

You did the right thing, but I know it's hard because you will keep second guessing yourself, especially after you were with him for all that time and loving him for all that time.

These guys are into revisionist history.  Did he really say he was just dating someone, or did he tell you he had a girlfriend? If it's the latter, he's just a liar who was feeling lonely.

If you want to, you can always plan for how to react next time.

[ucmeicu2]

And I was  feeling so good that i  made it this far too. Does he have any idea how this makes me feel or how much it hurts?  :)oes that give him satisfaction to mess with me? I hate this... .

No.  A borderline is emotionally stunted and does not have the ability to empathize, so no, he cannot connect with how he makes you feel.  And that makes him unreliable as far as your feelings go.

there seems to be a lot of controversy as to whether or not a pwBPD has empathy or not... .  seems to depend on who you're talking to/which article you're reading... .

my own xBPDgf had the capacity to be both sympathetic and empathetic.  she was able to give me more of each than most "normal" people.  was she faking it?  it sure felt real!   the thing is, she wasn't able to be consistent.  when she was stressed she got very "me me me" and narcissistic... .then again, that seems like a normal human trait...   i guess severity is the issue.

interesting article: www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201309/do-people-borderline-disorder-have-empathy

[maxen]

I really feel like you all must think im a basket case.

NOT AT ALL.  Because we're all where/have been exactly where you are, recovering from the fallout of a relationship with a person with a serious mental illness.  :)on't fear judgement around here, there isn't any.

supernova, i want to emphasize that heel said. we have every one of us been where you are. just read around here to see what has been done to people whose only "issue" is being patient, humble, and trusting. there is only support here.

[Suzn]

I guess I felt like it was a huge step just for me to say no

I think this is fantastic! You did what was right for you. It's hard to say no! Good for you, you did not fail any test here. You passed a test for yourself and you set a clear boundary. 

[fromheeltoheal]

And I was  feeling so good that i  made it this far too. Does he have any idea how this makes me feel or how much it hurts?  :)oes that give him satisfaction to mess with me? I hate this... .

No.  A borderline is emotionally stunted and does not have the ability to empathize, so no, he cannot connect with how he makes you feel.  And that makes him unreliable as far as your feelings go.

there seems to be a lot of controversy as to whether or not a pwBPD has empathy or not... . seems to depend on who you're talking to/which article you're reading... .

my own xBPDgf had the capacity to be both sympathetic and empathetic.  she was able to give me more of each than most "normal" people.  was she faking it?  it sure felt real!   the thing is, she wasn't able to be consistent.  when she was stressed she got very "me me me" and narcissistic... .then again, that seems like a normal human trait...  i guess severity is the issue.

interesting article: www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201309/do-people-borderline-disorder-have-empathy

Yes, there is controversy on empathy.  My take is my borderline did have an ability, but she was very emotionally immature so it was very limited, mostly by a lack of understanding.  And when she got triggered the wheels fell off and she was all about her.

In a clinical sense a borderline attaches to another person to create one 'self', so it follows that if two people are psychically linked with no boundary they would be aware of what the other half is feeling and feel it themselves, which is the essence of empathy, and is probably true within the confines of the BPD fantasy

A better question is do we get the empathy we want and need from our partner?  In my case not even close, which was just one part of the dysfunction, trumped by lack of trust and respect.

[Supernova9star]

My ex was capable of showing sympathy when the situation didn't involve him but no empathy... .ever. Although he was good at mimicking empathy if he had enough information about how a situation made me feel. He was very good at social engineering me into giving him just what he needed to be convincing and of course I ate it up because it was what I wanted to see. But I know now it was an act because he stopped trying to be that person when he started painting me black.

With this email he sent, there was nothing in the form of empathy at all. He didn't even bother to ask how I was doing. I was so caught up in the emotions I was feeling after receiving communication from him that I didn't use a more objective eye with what he said and how selfish he was being. Now, I have had a chance to calm down and have received support from all of you so I see clearly how this was all about him. If he was a healthy person, he would know that contacting me out of the blue would be very upsetting to me. And seriously, why email? If he was really missing me, you would think he would've at least called instead. I mean, if I felt bad and I missed someone, I would be more personal about it. He really has no clue and our rs was intense so trust me... .after 8 years a healthy person would definitely know that I dislike informal ways of communicating matters of the heart.

I think probably what happened was things didn't work out with my replacement who he did refer to as his girlfriend 2 months ago when he sent those cruel texts. He felt like I was the safe route because I always forgave him in the past. I mean he got away with abusing me, calling me names, falling asleep when I would express my feelings. All these things were overlooked by me for so many years, so I think he feels like I will let him back in whenever he wants. So me telling him no was quite different from the past. I wonder what he thinks of that.

My ex was capable of understanding things better if he personally had experienced those things. But when that happened, he would tend to project how he felt when it happened to him rather than understanding how it made me feel. It's like he expected me to feel what he did and if I didn't then he looked down on me for it. When our son died, he was over it in 2 weeks. He even told me shortly after when I was still heavily grieving that I should be over it by now. And he never looked back. So if he couldn't have empathy for me about something we experienced together with each other then I should never have thought he could have it at all. When my father died last year, it was very traumatic. My dad had triple bypass surgery about 6 months beforehand and he was down to less than 30% of his heart working. He was a very old school type of man and he didn't want to be a burden to anyone. I had no idea he was capable of sickle, but he shot himself  with a shotgun in the front yard in July last year. There was no note left for me but he shot himself in the heart so I think that was the reason. But my dad left when I was 3 and was gone for most my life so it was very traumatizing to lose him in that way. My ex went with me to handle the affairs and I think he had such a hard time not being the focus of my attention for the last year that he finally couldn't take it anymore and left me.

He had no empathy for that situation. Sure he was helpful and he was present during everything. But I think he was more interested in my inheritance. He badgered me into a vacation this past summer to the bahamas which he guilt tripped me into taking since he had used so much vacation time helping me with my dad's affairs. I paid for the whole trip and he actually had a rage episode while we were in the bahamas and then proceeded to tell me that he must not love me anymore if we could argue in the bahamas. I mean he raged. Threw all my belongings out of the room and locked me out. Threatened to take the rental car and leave me and my daughter stranded. Demanded I get online and buy him a flight home and was going to leave us there alone. Then after he calmed down I agreed to go snorkeling and shell out hundreds more of my inheritance. He acted like the fight never happened.

I bought him a car 2weeks before we broke up. He wanted me to buy him a BMW. I said no. He was so angry, and I was just plain beat down. I spent more than I wanted but I got him something that was much more affordable than a BMW. He broke up with me 2weeks later. He felt that I owed him those things. Just because he had given me what most healthy people in normal rs's give their partner out of love. I felt so used and then he has the nerve to email me and ask if I want company?

As ironman says... .I ___ing the this disorder. Seriously. Hate. It.

[Learning_curve74]

Hi Supernova, thank you for sharing more of your story. It sounds like you are getting some clarity from just writing things out about what has happened in your relationship.

A lot of people here can identify with the pwBPD in our life not having room in their head for understanding our feelings and needs. It's very sad and evident in your story about how your ex knew you were sad but couldn't understand your need to grieve the loss of your son or your dad.

A pwBPD is often a lot like a three year old emotionally. They want what they want in the moment, throw a tantrum if they don't get it, don't accept viewpoints different from their own, and it's always about THEM. Like kids, they can be charming too, but ultimately it's not a great recipe for a healthy adult relationship.

[fromheeltoheal]

Very good examples of the lack of ability to empathize Super.  Mine did similar, and the part that bugged me was she was always workin angles, social engineering as you put it. Why fake it, why not just tell me you're really trying to see how I feel and understand, you're just not good at it and not really capable? Shame is why. A relentless feeling of worthlessness and a massive fear of abandonment. So she finds it necessary to work it full time, because she's just not good enough.  How exhausting.  I really think she'd care if she knew how. Just sad.