Could I have BPD?

[FlipMode]

I learned about BPD after I began dating a woman with BPD and bad things happened to me... .I got through that episode through the help of this board.

I have had a number of therapists, nobody came out and said I had a personality disorder, although one said I displayed "soft signs" of BPD, but that she didn't think I had BPD. I have been, at one time or another, told by professionals that I have Complex-PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Cyclothymia, ADD and my personal favorite Very Superior Intelligence (no evidence of this). I also have hypothyroidism as a result of a partial thyroidectomy, which I got because I had hyperthyroidism.


The way I understand personality disorders is that the sufferer is difficult to treat because they are incapable of acknowledging that they have a personality disorder. i think my understanding may be somewhat uninformed.  I've always felt of myself as being open-minded and unafraid to examine things that other people would rather ignore.  I am well aware of my flaws, and I often feel powerless to change them.

My parents are both messed up, especially my mother. I feel that she was incapable of nurturing me. She was violent and had a hair trigger temper. So was my father, but his behavior was more the result of his impoverished upbringing where discipline was meted out with fists. He did not strike me often, but I did fear him. I never felt that he didn't love me, but I never felt that my mother loved me.

Both my parents, when I try to get them to confront the past, will do anything to not face it. My father, he sympathizes with me and we can talk about stuff, but he's reluctant to take any blame... .anyway, I think they both have issues.

Regardless, I got problems. I've had very few girlfriends because I can't control myself around them. I can't flirt, I can't ask women out... I just get terribly nervous. Sometimes I experience these moods where my brain is just going on and on and on, obsessing over all the people that wronged me, family and friends. I can't stop thinking about them. The other day, I was in the supermarket, and I was half way home before I realized I still had the store basket with me. I was so much in my head that I'd forgotten.

I can barely read anymore, or watch movies. I'm alone, all the time, and I can't stand it. I have no one, aside from people that are distant. I long for intimacy, but at the same time, it's always gone badly. I am going to turn 40, and it is getting worse and worse. I am angry often, because I am alone. I am not alone because I am angry. I've always been a fun-loving guy, I can be too serious sometimes, but I definitely was known for having a great sense of humor at one point, although not really anymore.

I've had years and years of therapy... .I've spent the past 20 years trying to figure out what the heck was wrong with me, and now that I have an idea, or at least think I do, I don't really know what to do with myself.

[HarmKrakow]

I learned about BPD after I began dating a woman with BPD and bad things happened to me... .I got through that episode through the help of this board.

I have had a number of therapists, nobody came out and said I had a personality disorder, although one said I displayed "soft signs" of BPD, but that she didn't think I had BPD. I have been, at one time or another, told by professionals that I have Complex-PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Cyclothymia, ADD and my personal favorite Very Superior Intelligence (no evidence of this). I also have hypothyroidism as a result of a partial thyroidectomy, which I got because I had hyperthyroidism.


The way I understand personality disorders is that the sufferer is difficult to treat because they are incapable of acknowledging that they have a personality disorder. i think my understanding may be somewhat uninformed.  I've always felt of myself as being open-minded and unafraid to examine things that other people would rather ignore.  I am well aware of my flaws, and I often feel powerless to change them.

My parents are both messed up, especially my mother. I feel that she was incapable of nurturing me. She was violent and had a hair trigger temper. So was my father, but his behavior was more the result of his impoverished upbringing where discipline was meted out with fists. He did not strike me often, but I did fear him. I never felt that he didn't love me, but I never felt that my mother loved me.

Both my parents, when I try to get them to confront the past, will do anything to not face it. My father, he sympathizes with me and we can talk about stuff, but he's reluctant to take any blame... .anyway, I think they both have issues.

Regardless, I got problems. I've had very few girlfriends because I can't control myself around them. I can't flirt, I can't ask women out... I just get terribly nervous. Sometimes I experience these moods where my brain is just going on and on and on, obsessing over all the people that wronged me, family and friends. I can't stop thinking about them. The other day, I was in the supermarket, and I was half way home before I realized I still had the store basket with me. I was so much in my head that I'd forgotten.

I can barely read anymore, or watch movies. I'm alone, all the time, and I can't stand it. I have no one, aside from people that are distant. I long for intimacy, but at the same time, it's always gone badly. I am going to turn 40, and it is getting worse and worse. I am angry often, because I am alone. I am not alone because I am angry. I've always been a fun-loving guy, I can be too serious sometimes, but I definitely was known for having a great sense of humor at one point, although not really anymore.

I've had years and years of therapy... .I've spent the past 20 years trying to figure out what the heck was wrong with me, and now that I have an idea, or at least think I do, I don't really know what to do with myself.

Could you have BPD? Of course you could.

You could. No one will argue that you maybe don't have it. Fact of the matter is, if you are intelligent enough you might be able to figure out for yourself what is the biggest issue for yourself. Tips? Try for example the big psychological questioning test. Those typical tests of over>100 or >200 questions and keep track (YOURSELF!) how you develop to see which things are most common within yourself. A psychologist or a shrink is nothing else besides a normal human being only having had more experience dealing with people with all sorts of personality disorders.

A final option to check what the f*dge is wrong with you is doing a MRI check of your brain. I had a MRI brain check of my brain to check if there was anything wrong (my mother is mentally ill and lives in a closed of mental institute) and I've been checked and completely proofed free. No issues, healthy brain.

You could have BPD, you could have other personality disorders. Try the checklists yourself. Write them down and be truly honest to yourself. Check how much boxes you can tick with every personality disorder and try that same test again months after. If there are some personality disorders where the results almost don't differ you can take those results to a shrink

The majority of personality disorders all come through how we have been raised as a little kid. So questioning your parents is a good beginning.

[FlipMode]

What is going to show up on the MRI?

[HarmKrakow]

What is going to show up on the MRI?

White spots for example. My mother to begin with had plenty of those and it turned out to be that those were exactly the parts which, ... .keep the social functioning of a human being together. (It was even that much that she also got diagnosed with MS)

[Perfidy]

This is what I experienced with a person diagnosed. I have made a list of questions. These questions are based on what I observed. I felt the same as you. Could I have BPD? Ok here goes.

Am I abusive to people? My answer... No. I am good to people.

Do I have my own identity? My answer. Yes.

Do I depend on a relationship with another for survival? My answer. No

Do I have good interpersonal relationships? My answer. Yes.

Am I capable of intimacy? My answer. Yes

Am I honest with my partners? My answer. Yes

Am I capable of maintaining a committed relationship? Yes.

Are my relationships stable? My answer. Yes.

I am guilty of one thing. Choosing a bad partner for a long time. It affected me in the most horrible way. BPD as clinically described is disorder lying on the border between neurosis and psychosis. I am no expert on the subject and I know way more about it than I ever wanted to. My run in with my BPDexgf has sent me to places in my mind that I didn't know existed. This seems to be "normal" in the partnership as a non. Good luck and I hope this helps you.

[FlipMode]

Am I abusive to people?

I am abrasive to people when I feel they have taken advantage or bullied me. I am generally regarded by my peers as "too nice" and hard on myself.

Do I have my own identity?

I believe I do. I don't know how to answer that question.

Do I depend on a relationship with another for survival?

Well, I don't rely on anybody for money or shelter. However, I have bent many an ear. Right now, I have nobody in my life except for people that are not physically near me, and I am sad about that.

Do I have good interpersonal relationships?

Not particularly - I've had a number of falling outs with friends in the past few years. However, these were childhood friends and the relationships had long past reached their expiration point.

Am I capable of intimacy?

I think I am, but I've never had a relationship last very long once sex gets involved. I think it is very easy for me to be intimate if I feel comfortable, perhaps too easy, but I am rarely comfortable.


Am I honest with my partners?

I am honest with people to a fault. I'm not a very good liar and I will always tell people the truth if they ask me for an honest opinion. I am not an idiot, I won't tell people hurtful things and call it honesty. I'm incapable of "laying it on thick" as they say.

Am I capable of maintaining a committed relationship?

I have never cheated, but I also was never presented with the opportunity to cheat. I am not a promiscuous person.

Are my relationships stable?

Well, I would say no because of all of these falling outs. I don't know... .I seem to have more trouble then most people in my life at maintaining stable relationships, but I also don't seek out relationships. Typically, people have come to me. It seems that I had an inordinate number of friends that were in sales.

[Perfidy]

Flip mode... those were some of the questions that I asked myself based on what I am able to understand about BPD. Have you read some of the articles here? There is a wealth of information here. Not only that, there is support from others that share a common experience that most people can't understand because they haven't ever had to deal with it. My conclusion is that I am probably not disordered with BPD. My interaction and subsequent breakup with a partner diagnosed with BPD caused me to question my own mental health. I still do. Are you in DBT? You don't have to tell me if you are. That is personal but it is one thing that reduces the symptoms of BPD. The way I understand it, there is no cure. Only treatment. Again,I am no where near an expert... Only what I have read and my own experience. If you are already in therapy I think that is just about the most you can do. I would say that you are doing the best you can.

   

[Perfidy]

Here's a link if you haven't already read it.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm

[ucmeicu2]

I am guilty of one thing. Choosing a bad partner for a long time. It affected me in the most horrible way. BPD as clinically described is disorder lying on the border between neurosis and psychosis. I am no expert on the subject and I know way more about it than I ever wanted to. My run in with my BPDexgf has sent me to places in my mind that I didn't know existed. This seems to be "normal" in the partnership as a non.

perfidy my understanding is that, like, what, 70 yrs ago (?) when BPD was first "discovered" it was called "borderline" for the reason you cite, but that is no longer the case.  in fact, many are calling for a new name, b/c "borderline" is not really accurate, and perpetuates an undue stigma.  then again, i'm no expert either. 

and PS, same with me, two HUGE thumbs up that my run in w/BPD took me to places i didn't know existed... .couldn't even have been able to begin to fathom where it would take me and how it would make me feel... .devastate me, just about.

[Perfidy]

The pwBPD that was my partner made big deals out of little deals as the norm. She made mountains out of molehills. Worried needlessly over trivial stuff. Clearly neurotic. Then came the rage and anger... .Uncalled for as well... .Along with reckless violence and clear disregard for the safety of others including myself. Psychotic. She was diagnosed... .She lived up to the antiquated version, I have scars from where she bit me. Oh ya... .She is borderline.

[ucmeicu2]

The pwBPD that was my partner made big deals out of little deals as the norm. She made mountains out of molehills. Worried needlessly over trivial stuff. Clearly neurotic. Then came the rage and anger... .Uncalled for as well... .Along with reckless violence and clear disregard for the safety of others including myself. Psychotic. She was diagnosed... .She lived up to the antiquated version, I have scars from where she bit me. Oh ya... .She is borderline.

perfidy, as we know from reading stories on these boards, this article reinforces our experiences that our pwBPD often have "other stuff" going on outside of the BPD Dx, ie co-morbidity.  very common.  i guess, from this article, i'd arrive at the conclusion that neurosis and psychosis may be seen in a pwBPD but it is from something else that's diagnosable, not the BPD.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2922389/

EXCERPT:

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

"Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a diagnosis with an unusual history. The idea that patients might fall on some sort of “borderline” between psychosis and neurosis dates back to 1937, at which time the syndrome was first described.1 BPD patients do have quasipsychotic or micropsychotic symptoms, such as voices telling them to kill themselves, paranoid feelings, and depersonalization.2 However these cognitive symptoms are not essential features of BPD. The core of the syndrome is a striking instability of mood, accompanied by a wide range of impulsive behaviors, particularly self-cutting and overdoses, and with intimate relationships that are impulsive, stormy, and chaotic.3"

and

"Comorbidity and Diagnostic Problems



Patients with BPD frequently meet criteria for multiple Axis I diagnoses.10 Considering that the disorder is associated with so many symptoms, this level of comorbidty should not be surprising. Changing the diagnosis of a patient with BPD, however, to one of these comorbid disorders focuses on only one aspect the syndrome and fails to account for BPD’s broad range of clinical phenomena (affective, impulsive, interpersonal, and cognitive)."

[ucmeicu2]

the OP, i'm posting this b/c i think it's important to be as accurate as possible and to humanize this as much as possible.  apparently many people that have BPD are so afraid of the Dx and the stigma, that they either don't seek treatment OR they do, but keep their Dx a secret. 

i applaud you for being brave enough to look into this.  and you are not alone, quite a few of us here have asked ourselves the same question.  sending you warm thoughts and a hopeful future.

icu2

~~~~

this is interesting, too ~ doesn't come from a gov't page like the other source i cited, but does look like a respectable site as well as a respectable author (PhD):

www.BPD.about.com/od/faqs/f/BPDname.htm

The term "borderline" was first used by early psychiatrists to describe people who were thought to be on the "border" between diagnoses. At the time, the system for diagnosing mental illness was far less sophisticated than it is today, and "borderline" referred to individuals who did not fit neatly into the two broad categories of mental disorder: psychosis or neurosis.

Today, far more is known about BPD, and it is no longer thought of as being related to psychotic disorders (and the term "neurosis" is no longer used in our diagnostic system). Instead, BPD is recognized as a disorder characterized by intense emotional experiences and instability in relationships and behavior.

Many experts are now calling for BPD to be renamed, because the term "borderline" is outdated and because, unfortunately, the name has been used in a stigmatizing way in the past. Suggestions for the new name have included: "Emotion Dysregulation Disorder," Unstable Personality Disorder," and "Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder."

[Perfidy]

I sure can appreciate the insight. What I lived through was extreme. Mental illness and drug addiction. I have read a lot. Dual diagnosis... .Treat the addiction first. Well... .Her addiction did certainly have a lot to do with her behaviour. She had the thing with touch as well... .She obsessed with things like strings and her hair. Always had to have something for her hands to do... Trillamania or something. I thought she was kidding me just trying to get attention or sympathy... She destroyed her face digging at it. Self destruction. She was diagnosed with many disorders and at times I was afraid to go to sleep around her.

[GreenMango]

Hi Flip you asked yourself a brave question.  Diagnosis can take awhile for any illness.  It can get especially complicated when there is physical conditions going in combo with emotional things, like the thyroid you mentioned.

One approach might be to have a doctor and psychologist who confer together.you may want to ask about the test history if you have one.  There are some personality inventories that can narrow it down - like MMPI.

It is always helpful for a clinican to have the comprehensive background and treatment history.  Does your doctor have this?

[an0ught]

Hi FlipMode,

it is important that you discuss this fear of BPD with your T. You may suffer from BPD - then focusing on steps tackling specific BPD dysfunctions make sense. You may suffer from PTSD - then fear is your worst enemy and getting the BPD fear in check is very important too!

Some of what you describe sounds like escalating anxiety and avoidance. That would be typical for PTSD. That can be a quite perplexing condition where it becomes impossible to stop the ruminations and you may even experience disassociations like you described. In case it would be PTSD it can be quite critical that you have a sense of where you are in the process of getting out and what the treatment options are. Have you sufficiently educated yourself? One option is here.

[sadeyes]

Flip,

If you have thyroid problems then do some online research on T4 and T3. Traditionally docs only supplemented T4, but a lot of research has come out supporting the need for T3.

Basically T4 is the storage form of thyroid and T3 is the usable form. It is converted by an enzyme that doesn't work well in some people & also declines with age. A doc friend of mine told me that your free T3 needs to be on the top of normal to feel good. If it is low normal, you may still have symptoms.