Confused and worried about MY future

[LosingIt2]

I'm going to try to not make this turn into a novel. It's been around 5 months since I've posted and visited bpdfamily.com. Since then I contacted my uBPDgf after 8 months of us breaking up and living our lives completely separated. I have been working with a T and put a lot of thought into reaching out to her, and I'm glad I did. Just to give you some context we were together for 4 yrs.

We are seeing each other again. I haven't felt the need for the community here since I've been talking with my T. However now I do, as many of you on the staying board are in long term (much longer than mine) relationships and marriages. 

So the main thing that I'm concerned about is, well, her. Starting early last week before Thanksgiving she was taking more adderall than she is prescribed and not sleeping practically at all. She is 26 (I'm 29) and returned to school to get her B.A. last year. It's been a long saga since I've known her; returning to school and how much anxiety it causes her. The kicker was on top of all this work she hasn't been doing, she had Thanksgiving with her divorced parents at her mother's. Her father has Parkinson's and has not been in that apt since before their divorce when my uBPDgf was 12. According to her, her father said something upsetting. She interpreted it as him implying that she wasn't around to take care of him after the divorce. I have to say that her father has always made her feel guilty about not being available enough, and I always thought it was messed up. Part of it is her sensitivity, but he depended on her in a way that wasn't really fair in my opinion. The point is she returned home and it was impossible for me to get in touch with her. She called me last night finally, started to cry and said she hasn't left her bed for two days and was having "really weird thoughts". I asked her if she meant self harming thoughts and she said yes. She went on about how this was the first time in years that those old feelings caused her that kind of pain, and she turns all of the bad feelings in on herself and despises herself.  I've seen her dysregulated, but never without a mask like this. Just to clarify she isn't in danger of hurting herself right now.

The thing is, I still have a lot of unresolved hurt from our first break up. This isn't my priority at the moment, I'm more concerned about her. But we haven't gotten to the point where we can constructively discuss it. Partly because she has been on edge over school. She has even said that I "can't be the emotional one right now." Yet, there has almost always been something going on with her that makes that the case. Whether big or small. What really jolted me when we were speaking was for a minute she reverted to saying that she imagines things are only going to get worse after school and that she doesn't know what is happening with us etc. This is after we already had a conversation about what is happening with us. And what is really disturbing I guess is that her going back to school was the original excuse as to why she can only focus on herself (she went off the deep end then too)! I told her I love her and she is not a burden on me and that I would much rather have her in my life than not. That eased the situation and she went on to how she misses me. I'm writing this because the biggest part of me cares for her immensely and wants to be with her. I read people's experiences on here and I wonder if it will only get worse and whether she'll ever be able to work on her self and be strong. She can say really reassuring and lucid/self-aware things, but when she dysregulates it all goes to h*ll :'(

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

Aw LosingIt2

There's always hope that a pwBPD will work on themselves to become strong.  The thing is, we can't make them do this or even gently coax them into it.  As it's a journey for us, it is for them also.

It was so hard for me accept that BPD is a genuine disorder of the emotions.  That the dysregulation was as much a part of it as the times of smooth sailing.  Back and forth.  With so many other facets of the disorder appearing in the here and now.

Learning how to better deal with the  scenarios has changed my life!  Knowing that they are going to happen. 

Has your T given you some direction on how to take care of yourself during these times?  Or how to work through the unresolved hurt you're experiencing from your first breakup?

It takes a while to resolve all of this within ourselves, give it time... .

I'm glad you're here