Update + loving a creep.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After sending the text message on Saturday telling him I no longer wanted any contact with him whatsoever, I got to a good space within myself -not great, not wonderful ... .but good.

I didn't have to deal with him here at home on Sat/Sun as he spent Saturday and Sunday night at my replacement's house (or her replacement ... who knows ... .actually, I think it's the same woman but that is by-the-by).

Had a really good day at work Monday ... new training which is time consuming and needs focus ... just what I need.

When I came home after work, we ran straight into each other in the kitchen ... I avoided his eyes and just said hello ... .I swear he looked scared of me. I saw him again about an hour later and ignored him completely, even when he came outside - luckily I was in conversation with other housemates and was able to not even look at him. When I was going to bed, he was still in the kitchen (up very late for him) ... he had his back to me in the refrigerator and I said goodnight as I walked by ... we normally do not see this much of each other unless he makes an effort/comes to hang out with me - because I do not make that effort.

At first I was cursing inside at seeing him so much but later, I realised that I was able to show him that I am dead serious about what I said, and will stick to my guns - and I do not care how uncomfortable it is for him ... .

The other housemates are wary of him ... .and again, as I watched him last night (he didn't see me) I was struck by how he creeps about, cannot sit still for very long and makes people uncomfortable with his very presence.

He once told me that he often feels that he 'looks stupid; his appearance, dress etc ... ' ... at the time I laughed and told him not to be silly ... but I was acutely aware last night at how this belief permeates his movements and interactions ... outside of the bedroom ... where he has perfected his alchemy/curse ... he is left to be just 'him' ... and he is never comfortable in his own skin.

Not only that ... but I was thinking also about the incongruence of what he told/tells me compared to what he does ... .claims impotence and yet spends the weekends with my replacement ... perhaps they aren't having successful sex (I actually don't care) ... or perhaps he is lying for my sympathy - a passive-aggressive tactic he has employed successfully on me for over a year now. He is also still trawling dating sites ... I keep a vague eye on one, just to assure myself that he is still doing it.

So ... I am still caught up in 'him' ... .still trying to make sense of what happened to me, and yes, I find myself still ready for tears nearly every day over what I have lost ... but ... .have you ever seen a horror film where the 'monster' looks human but a flash of lightening suddenly reveals the ugly monster underneath the human facade? ... .That's how I am feeling: the monster underneath flashes through and I am trying to face that monster to remind me that my lover is and was a lie.

Thing is, yes, I still think about him ... .but he doesn't know that ... .and that gives me a sense of power ... not a lot ... .but it's a start.

[damage control]

After sending the text message on Saturday telling him I no longer wanted any contact with him whatsoever, I got to a good space within myself -not great, not wonderful ... .but good.

I didn't have to deal with him here at home on Sat/Sun as he spent Saturday and Sunday night at my replacement's house (or her replacement ... who knows ... .actually, I think it's the same woman but that is by-the-by).

Had a really good day at work Monday ... new training which is time consuming and needs focus ... just what I need.

When I came home after work, we ran straight into each other in the kitchen ... I avoided his eyes and just said hello ... .I swear he looked scared of me. I saw him again about an hour later and ignored him completely, even when he came outside - luckily I was in conversation with other housemates and was able to not even look at him. When I was going to bed, he was still in the kitchen (up very late for him) ... he had his back to me in the refrigerator and I said goodnight as I walked by ... we normally do not see this much of each other unless he makes an effort/comes to hang out with me - because I do not make that effort.

At first I was cursing inside at seeing him so much but later, I realised that I was able to show him that I am dead serious about what I said, and will stick to my guns - and I do not care how uncomfortable it is for him ... .

The other housemates are wary of him ... .and again, as I watched him last night (he didn't see me) I was struck by how he creeps about, cannot sit still for very long and makes people uncomfortable with his very presence.

He once told me that he often feels that he 'looks stupid; his appearance, dress etc ... ' ... at the time I laughed and told him not to be silly ... but I was acutely aware last night at how this belief permeates his movements and interactions ... outside of the bedroom ... where he has perfected his alchemy/curse ... he is left to be just 'him' ... and he is never comfortable in his own skin.

Not only that ... but I was thinking also about the incongruence of what he told/tells me compared to what he does ... .claims impotence and yet spends the weekends with my replacement ... perhaps they aren't having successful sex (I actually don't care) ... or perhaps he is lying for my sympathy - a passive-aggressive tactic he has employed successfully on me for over a year now. He is also still trawling dating sites ... I keep a vague eye on one, just to assure myself that he is still doing it.

So ... I am still caught up in 'him' ... .still trying to make sense of what happened to me, and yes, I find myself still ready for tears nearly every day over what I have lost ... but ... .have you ever seen a horror film where the 'monster' looks human but a flash of lightening suddenly reveals the ugly monster underneath the human facade? ... .That's how I am feeling: the monster underneath flashes through and I am trying to face that monster to remind me that my lover is and was a lie.

Thing is, yes, I still think about him ... .but he doesn't know that ... .and that gives me a sense of power ... not a lot ... .but it's a start.

[winston72]

Thank you for this thoughtful account of your interaction.  I must say that the content and tone of your posts have evolved so very positively.  It is really encouraging to read.

And when you write, "I am still caught up in him... .still trying to make sense of what happened to me... ." it is so sensible.  As I reflect on my own experience, I see that there were long stretches when I was focused on my ex at the expense of focus on myself.  I suppose it was also as a means of avoiding my inner self, or the way that I am used to dealing with my inner self (okay, this thought can go on for a long time!).  But there is also a season that is important for us that involves focusing on ourselves by understanding what happened to us via the agency of the other person. 

In the US we acknowledged Veterans Day a few weeks ago.  In following the media reports I was struck by how important it was for veterans to express key events in their past.  Many of these were traumatic.  And it was very important for their loved ones to understand what happened to the veterans in their lives.  People would travel to the sites of battles, they would pore over historical accounts, they would inspect mementos.  Many of us on this site have experienced trauma in these relationships.  It is a life altering trauma.  It merits understanding.  Nobody tells these veterans to just "get over it" and "move on."  And part of that understanding requires an inventory of what happened.  Consistent with the name of this site, there is a need to "face the facts" and in order to do this, we must know what the facts are.  For me, this has been difficult and traumatic.  And it has required me to really look at the person I chose as my partner.  That choice tells me a lot about me.  And seeing myself more fully leads to better emotional health.  It is different from an obsession about the other person... .but it has been necessary for me to embrace who that person is and not to just deny who they are.

You have a lot of people rooting for you Damage Control.  You have been in a tough situation... .really tough... .and you have been navigating it with real grace and strength.

[RecycledNoMore]

I totally agree, ive read alot of your past posts,living with your x, unable to move out because of financial reasons... .you were in such a dark hopeless place, and now you seam more aware of yourself, and of his actions vs words, that was a big turning point for me too, actions( abuse, cheating, trawling internet dating sites... ) VS word, " I love you baby, your my world, Ill never hurt you again"

UGG

Remember how you feel now as you wrote the post above, remember how far youve come.

[damage control]

Winston ... .thank you for your support, encouragement and for your thoughts on the 'process' of trauma ... I entirely agree that it something to be worked through rather than 'gotten over' ... .as you say, understanding how someone else's agency somehow, someway took over our own at some stage and that bears introspection and consideration.

Recycled ... thank you also ... I feel stronger and I am working really hard to e=keep reminding myself of his actions ... his words were so very seductive and compelling, not to mention believable ... but in the end, they were just echoes with no substance ... .semiotic ghosts.

[damage control]

Tonight, after work he was 'magically' in the kitchen again when I got home. I was putting my shopping away, ignoring him ... until he said hi and I just said hi back and went outside for a smoke.

You guessed it, he came after me a few minutes later asking how I was doing ... I didn't even look at him, I just responded 'tired'. He couldn't keep still at all ... he seems completely on edge and not sure how to deal with me ... why he doesn't just leave me be I don't know. He proceeded to tell me that he had made pesto and to help myself but I just said no thanks, still not looking at him.

I kept my body language away from him and he seemed completely unsure as to what to do/how to act ... he went to his room so, I checked the dating site i keep an eye on and sure enough he was online ... seeking that validation ...

I have locked myself in my room - he will not get access to me again tonight. Tomorrow night I have work Xmas party in the city so ... he won't see me for the night ... one day at a time ... I am being a bhit - but believe me, I find that really difficult. However it is empowering ... I want him to think he has no affect on me whatsoever anymore ... .even if I fake it till I make it.

[RecycledNoMore]

You are NOT being a bhit, you are doing what is neccessary for your own health and wellbeing, do you think hes thinking " o what a prick I am", when he gets on the net for his " validation" fix?

I think not.Take care of YOU.

[damage control]

Recycled - you are right ... he has no such introspection. It is just not natural to me to ignore somebody - I am a giggler and I love to talk to people so this is unnatural ... but necessary.

He has been trawling the dating site/s (I only check one, I don't really care, it just helps me to know that he is doing this to my replacement so, it wasn't just me, it was never about me).

He knows what he does is deceptive and hurtful ... he justifies it by saying "that's the way I am" ... pppfffttt ... .he needs the deception (he thrives on having something 'secret' and he needs the validation because he cannot/does not get it in RL - well, he needs the internet to seduce ... )

I spent the  evening unde the Sydney Opera House at a bar that overlooks the harbour being told by my new friends at work how much they like me and how glad they am that I have started working there ... .I have about 5 new friends who are all wonderful ... .and I am grateful for that ...

But, I do hate being a bhit ... and I have to work at it ... well, the anger is still there so I don't have to work too hard ... standing me up on Saturday was the last straw, I am so glad he did it ... .and so happy that I have found a boundary ... I am just wishing he would stop trying to cross it with his conversation/s ... I don't really miss him anymore ... well, I do but, I just don't believe in him ...  

[damage control]

So ... .it's Thursday afternoon.

I didn't see him last night due to work Xmas party and getting home later and today, I am home an hour early as we were all a bit worse for wear.

He is home, and he may be asleep as he sometimes collapses after work ... but if he isn't, then he has made no move to come and see me like he did on Mon/Tues ... .and this is a good thing. I know I made him terribly uncomfortable with my monosyllabic answers and refusal to even look at him and he is not a fighter, he is a wimp, chances are he will not put himself close to me anytime soon.

I think it may have worked ... .

The only thing now I have to work on is getting him completely out of my mind (I know, hard to do... but I am working on it) and to stop checking one of the dating sites I know he goes to every day just to soothe myself that he is already setting up a replacement for my replacement ... .it has to stop.

I have not been near his email for over a week and have no inclination to do so ... the dating site is next ... and then ... some real tough self-love to banish him from my mind.

[goldylamont]

damage control, i've been off the site for a few days but wanted to come back just to check on you. you truly do seem to be navigating this whole situation well. i'm really happy that things at work seem to be developing and that you are making friends there. isn't it nice to have an outside opinion reflect the beauty that you bring into the world? especially at this time.

one of your strengths, that i've noticed since you started posting, is that you are honest about your weaknesses. you know the things you need to work on, and this speaks of your awareness, which is truly a hard thing for many to have.

i can totally relate to you not wanting to be a b8tc? -- in life i'm the same way. with ex's or people i even have disagreements with in general i'm still really cool with and can quickly get past things. i don't like walking around with a chip on my shoulder--and this doesn't have to do with me being 'nice' just to put on a face, in general i think i'm pretty forgiving, see the good in people, am able to move on. but with my ex, well, i just realize that i'm not setting the pace here, i'm forced to deal with the reality that she's setting forth. and this reality for her is to take take take take take, show no outward remorse about lying or being cruel. in this situation, if i see her i think my only option is to just be an arsehole and act as if she doesn't exist. it's frustrating but really what other choice do i have? the option to be honest with her is just not there, and even when she's 'nice' i wouldn't trust if for a minute since i know this just means she needs something from me and wouldn't give an inch in return. so, keep doing what you are doing, protect yourself, hold steady and save your true positivity for those that deserve it. i'm really glad to have read your updates and even if you slip up we've got your back. keep up the good work! 

and winston72, your post was so insightful i felt the need to re-post. thank you for this, took the words right outta my mind! 

Thank you for this thoughtful account of your interaction.  I must say that the content and tone of your posts have evolved so very positively.  It is really encouraging to read.

And when you write, "I am still caught up in him... .still trying to make sense of what happened to me... ." it is so sensible.  As I reflect on my own experience, I see that there were long stretches when I was focused on my ex at the expense of focus on myself.  I suppose it was also as a means of avoiding my inner self, or the way that I am used to dealing with my inner self (okay, this thought can go on for a long time!).  But there is also a season that is important for us that involves focusing on ourselves by understanding what happened to us via the agency of the other person. 

In the US we acknowledged Veterans Day a few weeks ago.  In following the media reports I was struck by how important it was for veterans to express key events in their past.  Many of these were traumatic.  And it was very important for their loved ones to understand what happened to the veterans in their lives.  People would travel to the sites of battles, they would pore over historical accounts, they would inspect mementos.  Many of us on this site have experienced trauma in these relationships.  It is a life altering trauma.  It merits understanding.  Nobody tells these veterans to just "get over it" and "move on."  And part of that understanding requires an inventory of what happened.  Consistent with the name of this site, there is a need to "face the facts" and in order to do this, we must know what the facts are.  For me, this has been difficult and traumatic.  And it has required me to really look at the person I chose as my partner.  That choice tells me a lot about me.  And seeing myself more fully leads to better emotional health.  It is different from an obsession about the other person... .but it has been necessary for me to embrace who that person is and not to just deny who they are.

You have a lot of people rooting for you Damage Control.  You have been in a tough situation... .really tough... .and you have been navigating it with real grace and strength.

[damage control]

Hey GL ... lovely to hear from you as always - I hope you are doing well! 

As always, your words give me some strength, some insight and the ability/desire to self-reflect.

It is nice to have people around who reflect back at me without leaving me wondering ... well ... I don't know, but there was often a disquiet I felt with my ex ... a feeling that I was holding something back. Of course, I now know that was my instincts telling me that this person was not capable of truly 'being there' for me and so ... I often didn't tell him how I was feeling or what I was wanting.

I do see my weaknesses, always have ... it's nice to hear that framed as a strength ... because it often seems like self-flagellation and negative talk.

Like you, I forgive people, not because I am a wuss, but because I choose not to concern myself with the petty and I don't offend easily truth be told.

But yes, there is a point where you have to know that a person has done the unforgivable ... .or, that the forgiveness is needing to be ongoing and the "relationship" is uneven. Not only that, but the person will continue to treat you the same and sees your forgiveness not as good thing to be cherished, but as a reason to transgress more constantly and even further. In short, it's toxic and has to end.

You make an excellent point in saying that even if s/he was 'nice', you would/will be left with the feeling that it was insincere ... .that's the crux really isn't it? My ex has always been 'nice' (well, he was a complete asshat the 2 days after the split because I 'dared' to be emotionally overwhelmed and got drunk the first night ... .how dare I right?) but, as I have posted here, he continues to behave as if we are in a relationship, minus the sex.

This is because he genuinely 'fears' losing the friendship - of that I am certain. But I am less certain that this fear has anything to do with me personally ... .and even if it does ... .it just highlights his pathology even more.

Like you, at this point, I am left questioning his motives in the 'niceness' ... .and am inclined to think it is more about him self-soothing than anything else ... .I have seen the lies, read and experienced the deception and I simply know too much to ever really think we are having a true conversation or friendship ... .it feels too much like 'cat and mouse' ... .and I honestly cannot be bothered with that ... .it's far too exhausting to be left deconstructing everything he says or does in order to understand 'what it means' (because, let's face it, we have learned that much of what they say/do has ulterior motives of some kind or, is underpinned by deception).

He takes pleasure in talking to me/hanging out with me, knowing that he has just spent sexual time with my replacement or someone else online ... .he needs that secret/deceptive aspect to our dynamic ... .I refuse to be the 'adversary' to whom he passive-aggressively undermines/reacts against anymore ... .let my replacement have that role ... .

I also heartily agree about Winston's post ... .

Thanks again for your words. I must say that you also seem to have found yourself at the edge of the cliff looking over ... I hope that you are able to make the decisions and actions that are best for you ... .but in all honesty, I don't think you need my hope ... .it sounds like you are good to go.

[damage control]

BTW ... if anyone is following here, he ended up coming outside last night ... .he popped his head out and told me he had made pasta if I wanted some and scurried back inside ... .and I do mean scurried.

I just said 'OK' ... .and that was our whole interaction ... .it appears that he was in bed early ... so, I am not 100% sure that I have broken our dynamic ... but I have affected it.

It is Friday morning here and I am bracing myself for coming home and finding that he has gone to spend the weekend with my replacement ... .that usually throws me. I know it's going to happen but it still hurts my pride every time he does it.