Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
July 06, 2025, 06:43:07 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Thoughts and opinions  (Read 530 times)
Bobbo

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 16



« on: December 09, 2013, 11:45:55 AM »

I've posted this on the new members forum already, but wanted to get more people thoughts on my situation, all input is welcome.

Hi all,

I really am not quite sure where to begin, but I shall try, firstly my ex-gf has not been diagnosed with PBD, but after doing my own research and relating to other people stories on here I feel fairly certain she has.

So a little background, please bare with me:

A lttile over 3 years ago me and the ex met, in a short time she got pregnant and everything was great, then slowly but surely she started creating distance until one day she broke up with me over text, deleted me off FB and refused to talk to me, for absolutely no reason, after telling me she loved me etc.

At this time I got very depressed and low, and couldnt understand how the most amazing girl could just turn from loving me to feeling like I was the most hated person in the world, at first I thought it was because I was too nice and she wanted a bad guy figure, so I made the decision of acting like I didnt care in the hope it would make her change her mind, it didnt.

Fast foward to the last year and we had be getting on as friends really well, our son I have twice a week, and gradually as we spoke more and more she began to open up to me about her past.

She told me she used to feel angry all the time for no reason, she was just angry at the World, she also spoke of being admitted to hospital by her Dad as they feared she was going to commit suicide, but she was in a much better place these days and wouldnt consider suicide because of our son.

She also liked to drive fast when she was younger, but again because of our son she has calmed her driving down and become more responsible.

She also apologised for the way she treated me when she was pregnant, and she will always feel guilty for that, but she said she just couldnt shake the idea that I would abandon her, no matter what she did the thought wouldnt leave her head so she left first.

Now we started seeing eachother over the last 5 months and everything was amazing, I felt like I was complete, I was with the girl I love, she loved me and we were a complete family, she told me she wanted to be my wife and have more children with me and she really wanted us to work and she would do whatever it takes to make us work because thats what you do when you are in a relationship, so you can imagine, I was on top of the World.

Now part of her request was that I tell her whenever I see the ex-girlfriend, which was fine, didnt think anything of it, so I agreed. However about 8 weeks ago, I bumped into the ex and had a brief "hey how are you" chat, I didn't think anything of this and actually forgot all about it, but a mutual friend of mine and the ex-BPD saw this and wasnt aware me and the ex were no longer together... .about three weeks ago this mutual friend saw my ex-BPD, and said he saw me and the ex chatting just a few weeks ago, this of course led my ex-BPD gf to blow up, she called me at 3:30Am yelling down the phone calling me a liar and that she was done and she can't trust me, I tried to explain I had just forgot and it meant nothing. This was on Sunday morning.

Any way, in the week I drop my boy back to hers and the atmosphere is frosty, eventually we start talking, which inevitably led to a flair up, she told me to get out of her house and give her house key back, which I refused to do and said I am not leaving until we sort this out, to which she seem to not know what to do, but we continued talking and somehow the conversation went on to how she wanted me to spend more special time with our son, which I thought was strange considering it was completely unrelated to what we were arguing about, but I thought we cleared the air and we even hugged at the end.

A few days later I knew she was out so I went round hers and left her a letter I wrote apologising which I thought was really nice, she text me later that day saying she loved the letter and that she does love me and she does want to be with me, but there is nothing I can do, she just needs some time to clear her head so she can go into this relationship positively, so I agreed to give her some space.

A few more days passed and we were texting friendly and she was sending me kisses on the end of texts, so 4 days after she asked for space I text her asking if she had given us anymore thought as I was really missing her, she replied straight away saying "You need to prioritise your son above everything else including me" with no kiss on the end, now I know when there is no kiss on the end that she is upset, so I replied obviously my son is my priority.

So I pick my son up from nursery on the friday and the nursery lady asks me to remind my ex-pbd that our sons consultation is on Monday, I was like ok, So Monday comes around and she hasnt mentioned anything to me about this consultation, so in the afternoon I text her saying I want to come to the consultation, she replies "meet me there than", I then reply "Sure, and we also need to talk about us", her reply was "I'm going out", I replied we still need to talk about us, again she replies "Well i'm going out sorry", So the consultation goes fine, son's doing well. as we leave the ex-BPD walks in front of me, doesnt turn round, doesnt look at me and goes straight to her car, I say "Have a good night", she just gets in car and drives off", in frustration I sent her a text saying "How can you just completely change who you are towards me?" I got no reply.

I spoke to my mum about this strange behaviour and she said maybe she has a split personality, this made me think and I googled, and stumbled upon so many other peoples stories of distance and coldness and irrational behaviour and how it linked into BPD, i matched 6 of the criteria out of the 9 to my ex-BPD and suddenly light bulbs starting going off in my head and realisation, granted it's been hard to accept she maybe ill, but it also made me have alot more answers to my questions.

That leads us to this week, I've had to drop my son off at her friends house, Im assuming this is so she doesnt have to face talking to me in a one to one situation, the first day she didnt look at me, turned away from me, the next time she said "Thank you, see you later" which as sad as it was gave me hope.

I then a few days later sent her what I thought was a really nice message explaining that I know she is hurting but I will always be there for her and basically I tried to validate her feelings, but foolishly I also told her I knew what and how she was probably feeling, she sent a nasty replied back saying she wants absolutely nothing to do with me, she cant trust me, she tried but I let her down and to stop texting her and to leave her alone, I replied saying I am not giving up on us, she didnt reply and im pretty sure she has blocked me on a messaging service.

I also think her mum and brother have BPD.

Soo basically, I've been painted black for the last week I guess, tho that said she during the last week she did still have a picture of us up and she hasnt asked for her house key back which she normally does (holding on to hope arent I!) tho I dont know if the picture is still up anymore.

I guess what I really want to know is, how long will she hate me, can you use S.E.T while they hate you?

Obviously a lot of people will say run, but I don't want to run, you wouldnt turn your back on someone who had cancer, I'm not turning my back on her, not yet, I guess im living in the hope that I will turn white again and we can have a relationship and support her through this and go to therapy and create stable relationships for me and her and her and her son in the future.

Also do I leave her alone, and how can I if I have to see twice her every week?

Or should I keep letting her know every few days that im here for her even tho she asked to be left alone, as I read from someone with BPD that although they say that, they dont really mean it?

How can you win back trust if they say they don't trust you? :-(

Sorry for the long post, just I really need support and advice on this one.

I've also bought the book "I hate you... dont leave me", anything I can do to fix this I will.
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

briefcase
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married 18 years, together 20 years, still living together
Posts: 2150



« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2013, 12:05:46 PM »

No one will tell you to run on the Staying Board - it's against this Board's Guidelines.   

You can and should use SET to communicate a "truth" to her no matter what mood she's in or how she feels about you.  When asking her for something DEARMAN is better.  Both of these tools are discussed in our Lessons and in Workshops. 

You can't make her trust you, or be nice, or really anything else.  You can focus on yourself in this relationship and make sure you are taking care of your side of the street.

You need to stay strong and consistent because she will be neither.  She will be weak, anxious and volatile, assuming she has traits of BPD (which it sounds like she does). 

Take some time to read the Lessons linked on the right side of this page.  There's a lot of good stuff in there.
Logged

Bobbo

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 16



« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2013, 03:09:26 PM »

Hey Briefcase, thanks for the reply, I was just going to validate her feelings with this... .

"You must of been so upset when "friends name" told you I was talking with my ex. Anyone would be worried and angry in a situation like that.

Your my soul mate, everything about you is special and amazing, we created a wonderful little boy, fate bought us together, my love for you is unconditional.

In the future I will tell you right away so you don't have to worry. I will make sure I do that by texting right away, also setting an alarm when I know you and me will be together so I don't forget. I love you so very much. Xx"

Crazed helped me with it, what do you think? Would that help?
Logged
briefcase
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married 18 years, together 20 years, still living together
Posts: 2150



« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2013, 03:43:59 PM »

Hey Briefcase, thanks for the reply, I was just going to validate her feelings with this... .

"You must of been so upset when "friends name" told you I was talking with my ex. Anyone would be worried and angry in a situation like that.

Your my soul mate, everything about you is special and amazing, we created a wonderful little boy, fate bought us together, my love for you is unconditional.

In the future I will tell you right away so you don't have to worry. I will make sure I do that by texting right away, also setting an alarm when I know you and me will be together so I don't forget. I love you so very much. Xx"

Crazed helped me with it, what do you think? Would that help?

Be careful to not to overdo it, or validate the invalid.  Someone's feelings are always valid, in the sense that they are real and need to be acknowledged - I can see you're upset; you sound angry, etc.  The facts, or reasons, why someone is feeling a certain way, may not be valid though, and should not be validated. 

In this case, I'm not sure her reaction is the way "anyone" would have reacted to a realtively minor breach of an agreement that may not have been entirely reasonable to begin with.

I know you want to move past this episode and get back to the good things in the relationship.  But how you handle these things sets an important precedent for her, and you.  I wouldn't promise to set alarms or text right away in the future. 

Keep it simple and sincere.  Sorry I forgot to let you know I bumped into ex the other day.  I could tell you were upset.

By the way, the only reason you probably need to apologize for this at all is because you promised her you would inform her right away anytime you saw your ex.  These kinds of promises - which are born of unreasonable demands and expectations of you - need to be carefully thought about in the future.  Is her underlying request reasonable?  What are your boundaries around this? The list of "off limits" people in your life may grow.  Just be careful and trust your instincts about right and wrong in all this.

Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged

Bobbo

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 16



« Reply #4 on: December 09, 2013, 03:57:34 PM »

Lol it wasn't the other day tho, it was 8 weeks ago I bumped into the ex! Argh!

I'm so confused about which validation would be best to use sorry,  it might seem completely out the blue to send her such a brief message considering she has asked me to leave her alone, I do agree in principle about not making the promise to text, just I can't see us getting past this argument, she won't talk to me.

And yes in hindsight I would never have agreed to it, but I genuinely didn't expect such an irrational reaction, but that's mainly because I didn't realise the extent of her insecurities and did not assume she might have BPD.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!