Can things really get better?

[Mase11]

I'm looking for advice from those who have had some success with BPD. My wife was diagnosed in 2006 and went through DBT and apparently had some success with it (I met her in 2010). Our relationship was great at the start and when things calmed down it started down the slippery slope.

Earlier this year she snapped and went into psychosis, which is when I found out about BPD. Then I did my research and set some boundaries which she has never dealt with in her life. This led to marriage counselling because I study too much and it was a strain on our relationship, however she was having an affair at the time. This eventually led to a suicide attempt.

I've posted my story a few times so I shortened it a bit. Right now we are living apart, sold the house and have drafted a separation agreement. During the process she has gone back to DBT and she is doing a lot better today. It's quite noticeable.

My question is, can things really be different this time around? Or is life with someone as extreme as her likely to be constant chaos? I'm talking the affairs and suicide attempts. I know the more severe symptoms can fade away over time but she's 31, I can't wait until she's 40 for that to happen, I don't think I can wait another year.

I started on the 'Leaving' Board then moved to the 'Undecided' and now I'm here. I belong more on the leaving board but I thought that maybe there's a chance, especially if some people here have had some positive results and are glad they stuck with it. Also, what were some of the things you've done to make it work?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cloudy Days]

My husband isn't having much luck with the DBT, but he's got some other problems too. I have read something that some people with BPD show great improvement when in DBT but once they stop they sort of forget what they need to do to continue their progress. So she may need to keep doing the DBT for the rest of her life. I know they have some groups for people who have went through DBT fully and still need that extra support to get them through so maybe she can look into that.

[santa]

Things may get better temporarily, but the relationship imploding is inevitable at some point. There's no good solution really. As long as you stay, you'll want out. As soon as you leave, you'll want back in. 

[Nonamouse]

I've only been with my dBPD wife 3 years, so others may have more experience. But here's a shot... .my wife has gotten better with DBT, but she has a serious mental disease. She can be great for months at a time. A major stressor can happen, or even what seems to be minor to you and me, and all the DBT goes out the window and I'm sleeping in the garage or at a hotel, praying she won't track me down to start fighting again.

I'm sure someone has a miracle story but this isn't something that just goes away. And there's no easy answer to your question because the disease is so different. The BPD doesn't change so much as I've changed to cope with it.

There are good times and I love her. I'm not leaving but if there were an easy out for me I probably would take it. The disease is so disruptive to a normal life. You give up your friends, your family becomes distant, your health suffers, career suffers, you pay enormous therapy bills because so few DBT trained counselors accept insurance, you're constantly anxious about how the episodes of crazy are affecting your kids... .for the sake of brevity, I'll stop there on all the negatives.

Sorry, I digress but it's been a bad night. Good luck to you.

[Mase11]

Thanks for the responses.

It's weird that before the affair and the suicide attempt I was wishing I had an out. I have one now and I'm 3/4 the way there, but it is difficult to let go. You can't stand watching them suffer but you need to take care of yourself so you're in a constant battle, then on top of that they push you away when you are close and try and pull you back when you're not.

The lifestyle is a struggle, I now look around and find very few left. I have support from those I've distanced myself from in the last 4 years but it's still a lonely feeling. My career, studies, family life etc are not where I wish they were at this point.

So basically what I'm hearing are that things can get better, more than likely temporarily and the issues we've dealt with this last year will be something we will deal with again. It does feel good to hear these things, I love her and can't stand to see her like this, but I have a clean break. No kids, house sold, same income (many leaves from work though), paperwork drafted and all it takes now is my word and a lawyers signature. I can't believe how difficult it still is.