as time NC goes on i question what was real

[blur]

Hey gang. I'm new here but have been reading for a while and notice most of our stories are the same. I see that you guys are really helpful and I'm glad I found this site.

   I had to leave my BPD wife and home after only 6 months of marriage. I feel like a total loser for leaving but I can't continue living in abuse. In those short months she had already been physically abusive 3 times hitting closed fisted intending to do harm. Whats worse is I could see was starting to "throw off" on my 14yo daughter. That's really where I drew the line.

Anyways, I was thinking back over the years we dated off and on and remembered something she told me. She said she acquired most of her mental illnesses(BPD,bipolar,depression,anxiety,etc.) when she gave birth to her daughter at age 24. That since she was sexually abused as a child she had such a fear of the same happening to her daughter that it brought on her mental illness.

At the time I just nodded my head and listened. But now that just sounds strange to me. I thought BPD was something that could come on during puberty or a trauma.

What do you think? Could fear alone cause all these problems?

[Perfidy]

Kudos Blur... Only six months... you are defiantly healthier than I am. Took me almost eight years and she is the one that finally left after years of me begging her to leave. Then when she did... .I fell through the floor.

 

To answer your question... I'm by no means an authority here. It has been said that the roots are in infancy. Also there is some suggestion of genetics. It's an abandonment/attachment disorder. Suggestions about the infant not receiving love from one or both parents... As far as acquiring mental illness such as you have stated,later in life,based on fear? Hmmmm... .I personally believe that would be entirely curable by removing that fear... .? I suppose anything is possible. I know PTSD can be acquired at a later point in life through fear. So other mental illness... .Sure why not. I would have to believe that something acquired as an adult as a result of fear... because the adult has more rationale than an infant... .should be more curable. Make any sense?

[Aussie0zborn]

To answer your question, I would say absolutely nothing was real.

[heartandwhole]

Hi blur,

Welcome to the site.  I can relate to your questioning what was real in your relationship.  After my breakup, I did the same.  Researchers are still studying BPD and learning more about it.  There are studies that link the development of BPD with childhood trauma, and others lead to the conclusion that there are genetic tendencies involved – and still others say it may be a bit of both.

Here's some information for you: Borderline Personality Disorder - A Clinical Perspective

Hope it helps.  Keep posting, we're here for you!

heartandwhole

[blur]

We dated off/on for some 5 years before we married.  She said and did ALL the right things to make me think she had truly changed. She was way worse after we married than ever before. I'm left believe it was all a manipulation to make her ex jealous.

   

[Waifed]

Hi blur,

Welcome to the site.   I can relate to your questioning what was real in your relationship.  After my breakup, I did the same.  Researchers are still studying BPD and learning more about it.  There are studies that link the development of BPD with childhood trauma, and others lead to the conclusion that there are genetic tendencies involved – and still others say it may be a bit of both.

Here's some information for you: Borderline Personality Disorder - A Clinical Perspective

Hope it helps.  Keep posting, we're here for you!

heartandwhole

The second sentence of the article says "they often think of themselves as bad or evil". Well, at the end of the day they are both bad and evil so I guess we can say they aren't stupid.  

[damage control]

The second sentence of the article says "they often think of themselves as bad or evil". Well, at the end of the day they are both bad and evil so I guess we can say they aren't stupid.  

Mine would often allude to this type of  thinking ... .ask me "am I a bad person?", "am I evil?" ... ."Am I a complete arsehole?" ... .he knows the destruction he causes, he knows he isn't like other men or even people, he even knows that he is able to 'seduce' someone into loving him while knowing full well that although he will get caught up in the initial honeymoon, he will always, ALWAYS ... devalue and discard and most probably replace right before that happens so that the pain he causes is magnified ... he has told me these things, admitted them, bragged about some even.

he knew and knows exactly what he was/is doing ... .and he doesn't care - as long as he gets to play out his controlling psycho-sexual drama with .Mother' (capital 'M' ... anyone who is collateral damage is irrelevant.

No only is he not stupid. He is extremely intelligent and self-aware of his own malignancy to a degree ... .

[Ironmanrises]

Yes. It was real. That is what makes it even more horrifying.

[free-n-clear]

  We probably all ask ourselves that at some point. No doubt some of it was genuine as we are talking about a mental disorder, not just an attitude. By the time the relationship has moved into the Hate phase though, pretty much every "positive" thing they say is a lie, every "positive" thing they do calculated to deceive. That's why it's important to delete any old text / facebook messages in which he/she tells you she loves you, etc. Keeping them, reading them over & over will do your head in eventually.

[Perfidy]

In addressing the question of reality... .Ok ... I didn't make this up. This was told to me by a mental health care professional. I have heard it expressed in a similar way by others as well... .The only thing that is real is the here and now. The past isn't real now. So... .It WAS real at one time. NOW it is not. I believe this simple idea holds the absolute key to my continued healing. I am getting better. I was strong enough to delete photos of her today. I haven't looked at them for quite a while because I would get all f'd up. Didn't f me up too much. I almost couldn't recognize her. Don't even know that I'd know who she is if I saw her right now. Been zero contact... .Will be zero contact. Never to see or speak to her again. Nobody will ever treat me so poorly again. NEVER!

It was interesting... My lack of reaction to seeing her in photos after all this time. She probably won't be bothering me much in the future. I won't respond to her attempts to communicate with me. Logically she will give up. After all... I have outlived my usefulness to her. I desire only to be left alone by her. Only person on this planet that I feel this way about. It's getting better.