Need advice - new to UK - CAMHS HORRIBLE and Social Services even worse

[aur0ra]

We've just moved to the UK from having spent the last 10 years in France.

My D14 was diagnosed in France as bi-polar after spending 2 months in-patient at 12 years old following 2 suicide attempts and 6 months of self-harming.

We've had another "episode" triggered by the move (or something else, but the move seems to coincide) so, after her becoming increasingly violent towards me, I went to our GP for a referral to CAMHS.

D14 refused to see any doctors - even the GP - so CAMHS first came to our home. They proceeded to tell me that:

a) there was nothing wrong with D14

b) they were not going to take into account her French medical history

c) we all needed to do things according to D14's agenda (said IN FRONT of D14)

So, a previous diagnosis doesn't count because it wasn't made by a British doctor?

By this point, D14 was assaulting me on almost a daily basis and police were involved. She was refusing to go to school, so social services were involved.

I insisted on further CAMHS assessment and the consultant adolescent psych said "emerging BPD" to me.

Meanwhile D14 is continuing to torment me: not allowing me to sleep, assaulting me, dumping water on me in bed, idle (I think) threats about killing me, etc... .cycling between that and then loads of cuddles, "mum, I know I was out of line, I'm sorry" and round and round it went.

After her last assault, and my last call to the police, the police decided (after 8 arrests) to force social services to take D14 into care by placing bail restrictions on her not allowing her to return until her court hearing.

The same social workers who didn't want to remove D14 because she "wasn't in any danger and was in a safe and loving environment" are now accusing me of being emotionally, psychologically and physically abusive. I can only imagine what stories D14 has been spinning since she left... .now that she has a new audience.

*sigh* fast forward to the second opinion from the consultant adolescent psych responsible for the in-patient unit here and he also says "emerging BPD" but he's not seeing bi-polar - however - no DBT, no anything because *he's* not the one that we have to deal with, the first psych is and she now says that it's all the fault of my parenting.

Gosh, I'm not even sure how much sense all of this is making... .I guess, at this point, the one good thing to come from it is that I forced social services to take me to court to keep D14 in care and the court has ordered all of her French records be recovered and examined.

I'm tired, I'm alone (single parent), I'm heartbroken and I'm really close to giving up.  :'(

All of my friends tell me that they don't know where I've found the strength to even make it through the last problems after the suicide attempts, the manic episode, the raging and all the rest never mind everything that's going on now.

I would appreciate any advice navigating a system that I'm not familiar with... .it's just been a nightmare.

Oh, and just for fun, I'm *emotionally abusive* because I maintain that she has some mental health issues and want to get her some help... .I'm almost ready to voluntarily section myself... .just for some rest.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[trytrytry]

I'm so sorry to hear of your sorrows.  I do understand the notion of wanting to give up.  I'm in the USA, so can't speak to the British way of doing things.  Only know that the covered mental health options for my DD25 are close to none. I'm also a single parent and don't have alot of resources.

Best of luck to you, and don't give up, at least not today.

[thinking]

Sounds awful. I am so sorry you are going threw this. I do not know how the UK works but I do know here we went threw 3 nasty CPS claims, mulitple hospitalizations, and my (now BPDd 14) convincing so many people I am the crazy one. My dd was so good for awhile I thought I may just be the crazy one.

It's a long, hard process anywhere to get a child with BPD help. You can do it. It helps for me to remember the times dd is doing well and what a great kid she really is deep down inside. Be good to yourself and remember it's a marathon not a race, pace yourself and do what you can. 

[peaceplease]

aurOra,

I am really sorry that you are going through all of this.  It is bad enough tthat your dd is mentally ill, but to be blamed for her disorder is just cruel.  I hope someone from UK can offer you some resources. I am sorry, but from Usa. 

Do you have any family, friends that can support you through this rough time in your life?  Have you talked to a therapist for yourself?  Many of us here have beeen though therapy to help us take care of ourselves. 

This board is great for support.  I am glad that you found this site.   

peaceplease

[dancinginthelight]

hello, i have just read your post and i think your situation is similar to mine regarding social services.

I too have been blamed for my d illness and accused of emotional neglect.  My d who is now 16 and my son who is 14 have both been put on the child protection register.  There is nothing wrong with my son but social services think my 2 teens are in danger from their mother. My kids are still living with me and ss wont help my d, only threaten to remove my son if my d has violent rages.


All i have done is to try and get help for my d, but was told by CAMs that there is nothing wrong and it is my parenting, also i favour the male child  .    Now they are saying my d has emergence pd.  she wont co-operate with doctors for any therapy, she was hospitalised last year for 6 months due to suicide attempts, i begged them to take her as i could not cope and was afraid she may kill herself.

I am a lone parent myself and social services have been disgusting. its bad enough having d with BPD, living with it, and also having to deal with the enemy wanting to take youngest child away.

social services say there is no where else for my d to live.  she just has to stay with me.  I have come to a decision now... .i want my d to live elsewhere where she can get the help... .she has a social life, hardly in, but still gets violent and attacks me and her brother.


I would not mind chatting to you personally if you wish?

[aur0ra]

Thanks jellyellie... .have pm'd you.

Where would we be if we didn't have each other as support?

I have just posted in the forum asking for reading to give to our social worker to help educate her in her thinking... .it struck me that it might be useful for you too if you're coming up against the same stigma.

My lawyer said something to me that really hit a nerve: When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

He said it specifically in reference to social services... .they are not used to dealing with this sort of problem, they are used to dealing with children who *are* in abusive situations - so they, in essence, treat us all the same.

Not fair... .that's for sure. Not helpfull... .VERY hurtfull.  :'(

[dancinginthelight]

Hi aurora:   I thought no one understood what we go through until i found this place. I cried the first time when i read other posts. know we are not alone and we could use the tools from here to fight our case.

I am constantly arguing my case to the so called professionals. I refuse to accept i have caused my daughters BPD.

[aur0ra]

Well... .to be perfectly honest jellyellie... .I wouldn't give a FLYING FIG what the social worker thought if they would just help D14 by getting her into some soft of DBT program rather than just telling me that I need to take parenting courses.

I'm even open to parenting courses at this point (although I now think that DBT training for me would be more helpful) because I'm sure that my parenting - most certainly since her suicide attempts - have contributed the problem.

I'm one of those people, I guess, who doesn't really care what outsiders think (I mean, I do... .but I don't, if you know what I mean) - I just want D14 to find her way, a safe and healthy way, to happiness.

[oglobaith]

I'm really sorry to hear of your situation and can fully sympathise with you.  I know how frustrating it is to deal with ss and other professionals who see us, mothers, as the problem.  One wonders sometimes if they are ever taught anything about BPD during their training - I'd personally love to recommend that every trainee social worker reads Understanding the Borderline Mother which would give them a great insight into how the illness presents itself. I understand that social workers who choose children and families as their speciality don't learn a lot about mental health issues anyway which is crazy as usually their work brings them into contact with people with mental health issues.  We have found so far that the courts are more understanding and open minded, let's hope you get somewhere through the courts.

If you ever need to talk with someone who understands please get in touch.  I live in Cheshire.

Thinking of you       You're not alone.  Keep strong

[heronbird]

Hi, so sorry to hear such terrible service camhs. Ive had same treatment when my DD17 was 12. They actually told my GP that there was nothing wrong with my D and it was because we brought her up in a strict way. The reason they must of bassed that on was because we said we didnt think it was right that she wanted a boyfriend and wanted to stay the night at his house at 13.Camhs said isnt that normal for a teenager. Ha joke, eh and considering we have 4 children and the rest do not have BPD. No Im sorry Camhs was rubbish, they also discharged her saying nothing wrong and she was still so bad and self harming, my GP went mad at them.

Anyway after  a lot of other problems, I wrote in and complained and we got refered to another hospital near London it was camhs and to be honnest I thought it couldnt be much different but GP said there is nothing else.

It was the best thing we did. They were completly different and much better, they made a diagnosis and gave medication. Best of all they listened to us.

Social services never helped us.

Also, phone rethink in your area, they are a support group for people like us. Its been so good.

Also a good book that has reduced conflict with us is called Overcoming borderline personality disorder by Valerie Porr. Since I have read that things have got a lot lot better at home, we hardly have those aggressive outbursts.

<My DD refusses to do DBT, so the book is good for that.

Hope that helps

[aur0ra]

:'(

Thank you... .I've been feeling so alone.

Logically I know that I'm not the only one going through this, but because we've just moved and I don't know anyone here, it sure feels like it sometimes!

Both CAMHS and social services have told me that it's "normal" for a 14 year old girl to be off having sex, drinking and whatever... .while it might be normal for them to THINK about it and/or WANT to, it's NOT normal (in my opinion) for it to be happening.

I've got a call in to the CAMHS consultant right now, just waiting to hear back. I meet the family therapist on Friday but, to be honest, I'm not sure how much good any of it will do as D14 is:

1) in foster care

2) so far into her alternate reality that she now won't even take my phone calls

3) not even agreeing to see the psych herself.

Can any of you UK-based parents tell me if our GPs are allowed to refer to specific CAMHS or is it just the most local one and tough if it doesn't work out? The reason I ask is that I have a much better feeling about the consultant I saw for the second opinion and would prefer (if allowed) to deal with him... .

Thanks again... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heronbird]

I think it was because I complained to the consultant at camhs in writing that she said if I am not happy I can go to another one. Do you live near London? if so I can reccomend a good camhs who seemed to have more time for us. In fact they actually rang me a few months ago to ask how my D is. She hadnt been going there for about two years so I thought that was unusual.

You can choose your therapist, if you are not overly happy with the one you get. Also they need to refer your daughter to drugs and alchol worker if you are concerned about that, and they are quite helpful and do their own therapy.

Go to your GP, try to get him on your side, I think that helped me.

Have you read a book called I hate you please dont leave me. That summed my D up totally. She was acting like she hated me, but she needed me so badly. I used to think she was just extreemly rebelious and we used to have lots of problems as she went against all the values we have as a family, so she thought we didnt get on.

Since I read overcoming BPD, I learnt how to speak to her and now we hardly have big disagreements. Why dont they give us training on this, they do with adhd.

My D is 17 now, so bit older than yours but we had similar probs to you at 14 and before that too

[aur0ra]

Thanks heronbird... .you're right, they should give family DBT training. I think that they do in some places.

We are in Bristol... .and I'm hoping I can get some more involvement from the residential unit here... .they seem to know what they're talking about.

One of the biggest problems I have right now is with social services. They feel that I am "medicalising" D14 too much. HELLO? She's tried to commit suicide 3 times already, she's gone through a phase of cutting and she's currently self-destructing with substance and boys (men).

I've ordered a couple of books from Amazon... .I need to go down to the library to see if they have anything.

Frustrating when D14 won't even take my calls anymore (she's getting worse the longer they keep her in care), she won't see me for Christmas, yet she still expects Christmas pressies... .it's like having a 4 year old in a 14 year old body. :-(

[heronbird]

Yes, isnt it just like having a toddler all over again, except my toddlers werent really like this, so its a lot harder and you can have some sort of control over a toddler, like saying No and they listen.

It was when our D turned about 12 it got harder, started wanting to go to the park with friends after school etc. 13 was worse, meeting up with a boy we didnt know who was 16 just seemed the worse thing for us, haha how trivial that all is compared to what is going on right now.

Oh, so you are in Bristol, yes I dont know anything about hospital there.

Google rethink in Bristol and mind, they are really supportive. rethink sent us on a  mental health course. Also if camhs are no help there should be an ombudsman if thats how you spell it, you can speak to them.

I wish I had known more when my D was 13, I cant believe we were told it was normal that my D wanted to stay the night at a boys house and that we were just overly strict. Shed only just met that boy the week before aswell.

Did they keep your D in hospital? is she sectioned? sorry if you said before

is she on any medication?

my D used to refuse medication, but when hospitalised she was put on quitipine and it seems to help a bit.

My D is also seeing a 32  year old on and off, how stupid is he, why would a normal 32 year old want to keep using a 17 uear old, he was seeing her when she was 15 too. It makes me cross, I have a nephew who is 32 he would definitly not be interested in any 17 year old.

If she was phisically handicaped  it would be abuse, just because she looks perfectly normal, its ok to abuse her.

Breaks my heart

[Boofie68]

Hi. I know that you posted this message a long time ago but I've been trawling through previous messages in desperation and noted that you found a CAMHS in London helpful and wondered if you could give me any further information. We are currently with a CAMHs in Essex and to be honest they are useless. They haven't provided any counselling or given us a diagnosis. My dd has been in the adolescent psychiatric unit 3 times this year and as far as I can tell no one even talks to her she just lounges around watching tv and then dictates when she wants to come out. Any help really appreciated. Thank you