How did you deal with the 'disappearing' act?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Have any of you experienced dating a BPD who just suddenly flaked or ignored you and didn’t want to see you anymore...   but then a month or so later tell you they miss you? Or resurface some way?

And did they even tell you that they miss you after such an obvious avoidance? 

If so, did you question them over what happened and why they ‘disappeared’ on you?  How did they respond?

My exBPD did this to me. I then asked her why she avoided me/disappeared and she raged. It started a terrible war between us and now we are now longer talking.

[Diana82]

Have any of you experienced dating a BPD who just suddenly flaked or ignored you and didn’t want to see you anymore...   but then a month or so later tell you they miss you? Or resurface some way?

And did they even tell you that they miss you after such an obvious avoidance? 

If so, did you question them over what happened and why they ‘disappeared’ on you?  How did they respond?

My exBPD did this to me. I then asked her why she avoided me/disappeared and she raged. It started a terrible war between us and now we are now longer talking.

[willtimeheal]

My undiagnosed BPD ignores and disappears every so often. I wonder sometimes why and I realize she is unhappy with who she is. She will tell me she hates herself and doesn't love herself and that her family is a.major form.of stress. But I often wonder if her family is so stressful then why does she always run to them?  We haven't gone out or spent anytime together in close to a month. She will text or call but is always at her mother's house who she claims is driving her crazy. I feel like I am having a relationship with my phone. When is enough enough?  When do you throw in the towel?  I am in therapy and have been for over a year. I am.so strong and moving forward. She is stuck in the same spot she has been stuck in for four plus years. Difference is she can't blame me anymore... .I am healthy. I want a life and I want it with her but I am bringing to see that might not be possible. I am moving forward  and enjoying life she hates life. I am not the same person I was before.  I just want to be happy and live. She wants to hide and complain and be depressed. When do you say I want more and go get it?  Especially when they don't want to get help or change.

[Surnia]

Do you miss her, Diana?

[Diana82]

Yes I do…  :'(

I think it’s possible I may never hear from her again. Or only through her exes now!

I mentioned in another thread, that I have had two of her exes (more casual women she’s dated briefly) add me to Facebook in the space of 2 weeks.

Very weird.  So I don’t know what to think right now.

I know I’ve done my best to try to be on good terms with her but I can’t reason with a disordered individual.   I may make a peace offering again around Christmas time as a last measure to extend I am still here and care- regardless if she doesn’t respond.

[willtimeheal]

Diana

Only you can decide what to do. You are correct in saying you can't reason with a disordered individual. I guess ask yourself what do you want from all of this?  The relationship?  A friendship? Closure?  You have to do what is right for you.

[Surnia]

Yes I do…  :'(

The hard part for many of us.

[waverider]

If she were to rekindle this how do you think you could prevent the cycle repeating itself?

Do you think you may be better cutting out the other exes, as you are only likely to hear distorted 3rd hand realities? These people have no positive connection to you.

[Diana82]

Hi waverider

Well, I do think she is aware of her issues. She has referred to herself as having a “plethora of issues” and also said she’s insecure etc.

However, I do not believe she is trying to work on herself or seek any kind of help for these issues. This was obvious when she sent me the article about not labelling women crazy ”just because you deem their behavior inappropriate”.

I am her trigger. I bring out her insecurities and make her act defensively (as said by her). Because we were intimate, I think I will always be a trigger because we got really close.

Maybe it will be hard for her to separate that for a while. 

But she is friends with her long-term ex now... I know she goes to parties with her ex (who has moved onto a new woman anyway) and they have formed a good friendship.

So it may be possible!  Over a few months… 

I think I can just try to be kind in the meantime... my normal self! and I'm going to just wish her a merry Xmas via text in a week and see how it goes.

[Diana82]

And yes, I’m trying not to engage with her exes.

I think it’s not going to help me anyway. I already know she has done the same thing to other women. 

I still find it weird though  .  Never been contacted by an ex's ex before!

[waverider]

I still find it weird though  .  Never been contacted by an ex's ex before!

This not unusual in BPD relationships, as everyone is leaft feeling like you do with a sense of "what is going on?" and no real sense of closure, so they seek out others who have dealt with the person to try to work out if is them or what it is. Happens within families to, and can lead to the pwBPD being "talked about behind their back" and adding weight to their existing paranoia.

However, I do not believe she is trying to work on herself or seek any kind of help for these issues. This was obvious when she sent me the article about not labelling women crazy ”just because you deem their behavior inappropriate”.

A lot of people with disorders can accept they have problems and would prefer people just accept them as they are (and yes using it as an excuse) and are not interested in attempting to "fix" themselves.

There is not much you can do about that except choose to live with it, or choose to live without. Can't have it both ways

[Diana82]

Yes, the no closure and the silence after raging confuses anyone I think. 

I did accept the friend request from one of the women who is more a friend of hers now (after an apparent brief fling).

After telling me that my ex had just disappeared on her and didn’t want to hang out anymore etc... she then didn’t want to talk about her anymore. And started flirting with me! 

So... a part of me thinks she’s trying to make my ex jealous or something. Revenge perhaps...