found voice recording... really triggered.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I found an old recording which has really triggered a lot of bad memories. After my exBPDbf’s last massive rage (one of the worse) when he told me he wanted me dead, would slit my throat if he saw me, wanted to beat up my brother in law (who’s the nicest guy you’d want to meet), etc, I took the advice of everyone and filed for a restraining order. There was already a history of physical abuse by him when he was either on drugs or injecting steroids. It was time. This was after he filed a bogus claim to CPS on me. Never would I have imagined things would get that evil. They did. With each recycle it really does get worse. It’s so much to process. This guy spent 30 days in jail right before this for drugs and went right back at it within a few weeks. I guess jail doesn’t phase a BPD drug addict.

The recording was from the day before he was going to be served with the PPO. My sister called him and recorded everything for proof to protect her family. It was about 6 minutes long. My sister kept asking him why he would say anything like that about her husband and make threats like that to me. It was eerie how calm and collected he was (literally two days after a massive explosive RAGE that my therapist called an extinction burst. He kept telling my sister that it’s not fair and I was only giving her my side of the story and I had not told her what I did and said to his family. He was referring to me telling his mom that I found drugs at his house when she called looking for him (which was true... . I did find drugs) and then me texting his dad some not so nice things when they looked for him. I’m not proud of what I did. Funny thing is that I did tell my therapist and my sister and my friends everything I did, every word I texted and everything I said. I was so sick and tired of his family calling me after all that had gone down the previous few weeks, I texted them to leave me alone, that they were the biggest enablers I’d ever met and to basically F off. Over the years I tried to reach out to his family to have them understand how bad of a drug problem he had. Most the time they did't take it seriously until he ended up in rehab. not sure what I expected. His dad was a drunk who never came home and neglected his kids. His mom is a bipolar alcoholic.

In this recording he kept saying so sweetly that he would never touch my brother in law, that my family has never done anything but shown friendship to him, and that my sister should know he would never do anything like that. Over and over and over again all he kept saying to my sister is that I only told her one side. To me, it shows how little insight he has into his behavior. It is sick to me that he must believe that he was right in all of this, that I couldn’t have possibly told anyone what I had done. He just kept justifying his behavior. I had been talking to a therapist the previous few weeks and I did tell her everything and all she kept saying to me is that my reactions after over three years of dealing with a drug addict were normal. Add BPD on top of that and it’s enough to make anyone crazy.

Then when my sister asked again why he would threaten my life and threaten physical violence against my brother in law, he actually said “because I was mad and wanted to get her attention.” This is after god knows how many silent treatments, rages, etc. He just kept trying to justify himself. He was so sweet and kind to my sister and put on quite the act.

Two weeks later I would find out he called CPS again and told them yet another lie. CPS basically told me that this is all unfounded and the agent told me she would be “out of my life forever.” She knew it was all bullsh—t lies.

Evil does exist in the world. I need to shake this off. I’m deleting the recording off my phone because I can’t handle listening to it one more time.

How did I get wrapped up in so much crazy?

[feelingcrazy7832]

I found an old recording which has really triggered a lot of bad memories. After my exBPDbf’s last massive rage (one of the worse) when he told me he wanted me dead, would slit my throat if he saw me, wanted to beat up my brother in law (who’s the nicest guy you’d want to meet), etc, I took the advice of everyone and filed for a restraining order. There was already a history of physical abuse by him when he was either on drugs or injecting steroids. It was time. This was after he filed a bogus claim to CPS on me. Never would I have imagined things would get that evil. They did. With each recycle it really does get worse. It’s so much to process. This guy spent 30 days in jail right before this for drugs and went right back at it within a few weeks. I guess jail doesn’t phase a BPD drug addict.

The recording was from the day before he was going to be served with the PPO. My sister called him and recorded everything for proof to protect her family. It was about 6 minutes long. My sister kept asking him why he would say anything like that about her husband and make threats like that to me. It was eerie how calm and collected he was (literally two days after a massive explosive RAGE that my therapist called an extinction burst. He kept telling my sister that it’s not fair and I was only giving her my side of the story and I had not told her what I did and said to his family. He was referring to me telling his mom that I found drugs at his house when she called looking for him (which was true... . I did find drugs) and then me texting his dad some not so nice things when they looked for him. I’m not proud of what I did. Funny thing is that I did tell my therapist and my sister and my friends everything I did, every word I texted and everything I said. I was so sick and tired of his family calling me after all that had gone down the previous few weeks, I texted them to leave me alone, that they were the biggest enablers I’d ever met and to basically F off. Over the years I tried to reach out to his family to have them understand how bad of a drug problem he had. Most the time they did't take it seriously until he ended up in rehab. not sure what I expected. His dad was a drunk who never came home and neglected his kids. His mom is a bipolar alcoholic.

In this recording he kept saying so sweetly that he would never touch my brother in law, that my family has never done anything but shown friendship to him, and that my sister should know he would never do anything like that. Over and over and over again all he kept saying to my sister is that I only told her one side. To me, it shows how little insight he has into his behavior. It is sick to me that he must believe that he was right in all of this, that I couldn’t have possibly told anyone what I had done. He just kept justifying his behavior. I had been talking to a therapist the previous few weeks and I did tell her everything and all she kept saying to me is that my reactions after over three years of dealing with a drug addict were normal. Add BPD on top of that and it’s enough to make anyone crazy.

Then when my sister asked again why he would threaten my life and threaten physical violence against my brother in law, he actually said “because I was mad and wanted to get her attention.” This is after god knows how many silent treatments, rages, etc. He just kept trying to justify himself. He was so sweet and kind to my sister and put on quite the act.

Two weeks later I would find out he called CPS again and told them yet another lie. CPS basically told me that this is all unfounded and the agent told me she would be “out of my life forever.” She knew it was all bullsh—t lies.

Evil does exist in the world. I need to shake this off. I’m deleting the recording off my phone because I can’t handle listening to it one more time.

How did I get wrapped up in so much crazy?

[heartandwhole]

feelingcrazy7832,

I think deleting it is a good idea.  I can really understand how upsetting it was to hear him acting totally different than he was with you.  It's scary and very unsettling.

Could you do something just for you today, something fun or interesting, to get your mind off of him?

Hang in there. 

[Tausk]

Ouch, Ouch, Ouch and ouch.  I'm so sorry for your pain.  The trauma bond, triggers, and PTSD is intense for us. 

I had to leave a message that the dog, who loved her more than me was dying.  Just hearing the same Vmail greeting, and knowing it was for her new object, made me shake and quiver to the point of not being able to give the message.

You're reactions are not unusual.  It got better for me.  It will get better for you. Keep posting.  Thanks for letting me know that my reactions were not unique. 

[feelingcrazy7832]

Heart - I deleted it... . and I sighed as I did it. I knew I would be ruminating over it. It was a sigh of relief.

Tausk - oh, your reactions are not unusual. That has been probably the most comforting thing that I could hear from my therapist when I went there. I thought she was going to tell me I was nuts because I truly felt like I was going there. The thing she asked me a few times was "is this reaction from you typical with any other relationship" and it was not.

Guess what gang - last Sunday I almost started posting here because I started feeling really down to the point where I was a few months ago when all hell started to break loose. My friend out of the blue started to text me that they wanted to get out of this cold weather. It's been brutal this year around here. He just broke off a relationship and asked me to go. I said I couldn't. I have a young child and a demanding job that I normally would have to give a few months notice to when I take an entire week off. Next thing I know I get a text from my daughter's father (who I get along with well) asking if he could take her for the entire week this week. Then I have my boss telling me to PLEASE go and take a week off because I've been working so hard and seriously have 7 weeks of vacation banked. This past year at work has been so busy I haven't been able to take too much time off. 

I think things happen for a reason. I got to my lowest point this last few months as far as my mental health, meaning sleepless nights, anxiety, panic attacks, etc. I've been through alot of difficult things in my life but never have I gotten to the point in which I did with my BPD ex. Not even close.

I view this next week as a sign. I'm loved. I'm cared for. I treat people well. All my friend could say to me trying to talk me into this trip is "I know I would have a blast with you and you are so awesome to be around, please go". I'm going. Getting away for a week in the sun in a tropical place is a gift. A gift that was meant to be handed to me. It's so hard to remember who we are before we met these people. I'm trying hard. Baby steps.

[Tausk]

I view this next week as a sign. I'm loved. I'm cared for. I treat people well. All my friend could say to me trying to talk me into this trip is "I know I would have a blast with you and you are so awesome to be around, please go". I'm going. Getting away for a week in the sun in a tropical place is a gift. A gift that was meant to be handed to me. It's so hard to remember who we are before we met these people. I'm trying hard. Baby steps.

I live in the Northern Midwest of the US.  It's been brutal.  Average low temp since the new year has been 0F (-18C).  Get out. Sit in the sun.  Be alive.  We can be loved if we want to be.   More importantly,... . we have the capacity to love in a deep and meaningful way.  But, part of the process is learning to love ourselves.  Go on the vacation with the idea that you deserve it.  You love yourself, know that the trip will help you to be a better mother, friend and person.

[Take2]

I found an old recording which has really triggered a lot of bad memories. After my exBPDbf’s last massive rage (one of the worse) when he told me he wanted me dead, would slit my throat if he saw me, wanted to beat up my brother in law (who’s the nicest guy you’d want to meet), etc, I took the advice of everyone and filed for a restraining order. There was already a history of physical abuse by him when he was either on drugs or injecting steroids. It was time. This was after he filed a bogus claim to CPS on me. Never would I have imagined things would get that evil. They did. With each recycle it really does get worse.

Sorry to hear you had all those feelings again... . I too was told my ex wanted me dead, that he absolutely hates one of our coworkers who he insists I had an affair with (no, I didn't, not remotely) - I forget his exact wording, but it was clear he would love to do the job of killing that guy himself, he also threatened to file a bogus CPS claim on me... .   and he does get worse with each recycle... .    

I'm proud of you for making the time for yourself to go on this trip... . you do deserve it from what it sounds like and it apparently is meant to be!  Enjoy yourself and let the warm sun heal you... .