Her friend's daughter...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My uBPDgf's (still can't even tell if we are ex's, she says it but appears to just be trying to manipulate and hurt me as per usual) best friend has a daughter who is in 2nd grade, moving on to 3rd at this point I imagine. Her mom is not a bad person, but having had this girl pretty early in her life to a drug addict, she could certainly have chosen some better paths. She is pretty forgetful when it comes to her daughters social life and such. I don't believe her to ever be intentionally mean to her daughter, maybe just tired or frazzled in certain situations.

This girl is really attaching to my uBPDgf. They do a lot of things together. She has moved beyond calling her godmother to calling her a second mom. Her style and mannerisms are beginning to look a lot like my uBPDgf's (clothing and body language wise). Frankly, this scares the hell out of me. If I say anything, it could screw a lot of things up. Plus I will look to be manipulating their relationship(s). I just makes me sad because on top of this little girls past with her father, she is now looking to mimic a pwBPD (at best), and psychopath (at worst). I do not foresee this ending well. It also really shows how PDs spread and contaminate, so to speak. Some people don't even have a chance.

All that being said, how awful of me to continue being in this relationship, though I am trying to get out by summer 2014 when she will hopefully be moving. If not, I will be making the move. I volunteer myself to be in this horrid corner of hell on earth, and this little girl could end up damaged goods without even knowing it. She has no choice, and I do, and I choose poorly. So disrespectful to the ones who can't do anything about their situation. This little girl is not even her daughter, and she looks to have so much influence over her. I'm not saying their are intentions involved, just that the indirect effects could be awful.

Any thoughts?

[Bulgakov]

My uBPDgf's (still can't even tell if we are ex's, she says it but appears to just be trying to manipulate and hurt me as per usual) best friend has a daughter who is in 2nd grade, moving on to 3rd at this point I imagine. Her mom is not a bad person, but having had this girl pretty early in her life to a drug addict, she could certainly have chosen some better paths. She is pretty forgetful when it comes to her daughters social life and such. I don't believe her to ever be intentionally mean to her daughter, maybe just tired or frazzled in certain situations.

This girl is really attaching to my uBPDgf. They do a lot of things together. She has moved beyond calling her godmother to calling her a second mom. Her style and mannerisms are beginning to look a lot like my uBPDgf's (clothing and body language wise). Frankly, this scares the hell out of me. If I say anything, it could screw a lot of things up. Plus I will look to be manipulating their relationship(s). I just makes me sad because on top of this little girls past with her father, she is now looking to mimic a pwBPD (at best), and psychopath (at worst). I do not foresee this ending well. It also really shows how PDs spread and contaminate, so to speak. Some people don't even have a chance.

All that being said, how awful of me to continue being in this relationship, though I am trying to get out by summer 2014 when she will hopefully be moving. If not, I will be making the move. I volunteer myself to be in this horrid corner of hell on earth, and this little girl could end up damaged goods without even knowing it. She has no choice, and I do, and I choose poorly. So disrespectful to the ones who can't do anything about their situation. This little girl is not even her daughter, and she looks to have so much influence over her. I'm not saying their are intentions involved, just that the indirect effects could be awful.

Any thoughts?

[Turkish]

My uBPDgf's (still can't even tell if we are ex's, she says it but appears to just be trying to manipulate and hurt me as per usual) best friend has a daughter who is in 2nd grade, moving on to 3rd at this point I imagine. Her mom is not a bad person, but having had this girl pretty early in her life to a drug addict, she could certainly have chosen some better paths. She is pretty forgetful when it comes to her daughters social life and such. I don't believe her to ever be intentionally mean to her daughter, maybe just tired or frazzled in certain situations.

This girl is really attaching to my uBPDgf. They do a lot of things together. She has moved beyond calling her godmother to calling her a second mom. Her style and mannerisms are beginning to look a lot like my uBPDgf's (clothing and body language wise). Frankly, this scares the hell out of me. If I say anything, it could screw a lot of things up. Plus I will look to be manipulating their relationship(s). I just makes me sad because on top of this little girls past with her father, she is now looking to mimic a pwBPD (at best), and psychopath (at worst). I do not foresee this ending well. It also really shows how PDs spread and contaminate, so to speak. Some people don't even have a chance.

All that being said, how awful of me to continue being in this relationship, though I am trying to get out by summer 2014 when she will hopefully be moving. If not, I will be making the move. I volunteer myself to be in this horrid corner of hell on earth, and this little girl could end up damaged goods without even knowing it. She has no choice, and I do, and I choose poorly. So disrespectful to the ones who can't do anything about their situation. This little girl is not even her daughter, and she looks to have so much influence over her. I'm not saying their are intentions involved, just that the indirect effects could be awful.

Any thoughts?

This is a tough one, Bulgakov. It's noble that you want to rescue this girl from a disordered person but what can you really do as an outsider? I know a woman, most likely BPD I figured out, who has a single daughter. Her D was the most sweet, loving person in the world, despite her father having abandoned her years ago, and her mom cycling through another marrige and a series of men. Unfortunately, her D turned from her former sweetness into trying to be a carbon copy of her mother at that age (sexually age-inappropriate behavior, into dark anime and goth, acting out against authority). This happened in only the space of a few months. The rest of the family fears the D is now "lost" but there is nothing really that even they can do since the likely BPD mom. It hurts to see a little person potentially be destroyed, but in the end it is their lives.

I hope you can extricate yourself, as you say you want to do, from your situation well. Maybe the best thing you can do, since it seems likely you have contact with this girl, at least until you move on, is to be stable and kind to her. Maybe some of that will stick in the back of her mind. Also keep an eye out for obviously harmful behaviors. Good luck with this... .

[Bulgakov]

Yeah, I really don't feel I have the right to intervene. Her and my uBPDgf are good friends. As I said, the friend is very nice and I believe wants the best for her daughter, although her life trajectory so far has surely been difficult (not hateful by any means, I don't think). I'm not sure I want to rescue this girl, but I feel bad when I can kind of see the path this could take. We all have that person we think is so cool when we are kids. Up until this point, I had not thought about my uBPDgf being that person for some young girl. Though it makes total sense too. She is very charismatic and steps up to bat for this girl when her mom does not have time. These are good things, she means well. It will just be unfortunate if some of her BPD traits come across to this girl as endearing, cool, or supportive.

Mine wants a child. "Her biological clock is ticking." I don't mean to belittle that idea. It is reasonable. I do not want to have children with this woman. This is partly why she wants to move. These are acceptable things. But if anyone could screw up a child, it is her. I feel bad saying that. Then again, she may be a great mom. Her friends daughter almost seems to be practice. I also don't mean to demonize her caring for this girl and offering support. I think it has been positive so far. I just worry about what could happen in the long run and what her true reasons for having a child might be.

We all likely have that one friend or younger individual that looks up to us. For me, sometimes it was younger skateboarders at the park who looked up to and wanted to learn from better skaters, I'm proud that they have surpassed me at this point, good for them. Sometimes it was musicians who looked up to a band I played in (this all sounds a little narcissistic perhaps  ). pwBPD/NPD can be charismatic, but think they know everything. I get the feeling they could pass down some very harmful attitudes/behaviors if given the chance to be a mentor.

[Turkish]

Mine wants a child. "Her biological clock is ticking." I don't mean to belittle that idea. It is reasonable. I do not want to have children with this woman. This is partly why she wants to move. These are acceptable things. But if anyone could screw up a child, it is her. I feel bad saying that.

Speaking as one who has S3 and D1 with mine: don't. You will not only be the Caretaker for your partner, but also for your children's mental health vis-a-vis their r/s with their mother. I do love my kids, though. I don't spend too much time saying, "if I had gotten out earlier, they would never exist." They are here, I love them. That is that. Life, however, will be forever cycling trauma and drama for them with a disordered mother. I know. I lived that life as a child. With no other parent for balance.

Then again, she may be a great mom. Her friends daughter almost seems to be practice. I also don't mean to demonize her caring for this girl and offering support. I think it has been positive so far. I just worry about what could happen in the long run and what her true reasons for having a child might be.

Mine is... .80% of the time. Now, I won't say I'm a perfect parent 100% of the time. My goal is not perfection, it's stability, love, and firm boundaries. I see her detachment from them sometimes. I've seen her "not handle" them, so she pawns them off onto me (she would deny this, as BPDs live in their own emotional world). What if I were not there as a back up? They'd get the full brunt of the black/white thinking and interactions. As I said, I know how it feels as a child. I remember everything with my mom, who was a severe unRx'd depressive. Now I look back and realize she had some BPD traits, too. Heck, she might even be a BPD. We talk fine these days, about my X's BPD, but I can't help but wonder about my mom. I've been out of the house for 25 years, so it's nothing I probably need to pursue.

We all likely have that one friend or younger individual that looks up to us. For me, sometimes it was younger skateboarders at the park who looked up to and wanted to learn from better skaters, I'm proud that they have surpassed me at this point, good for them. Sometimes it was musicians who looked up to a band I played in (this all sounds a little narcissistic perhaps  ). pwBPD/NPD can be charismatic, but think they know everything. I get the feeling they could pass down some very harmful attitudes/behaviors if given the chance to be a mentor.

It feels nice to be needed. I doubt you are NPD... .we should acknowledge our good traits, without beating people over the head about them, or defining ourselves by our roles (like BPD/NPDs tend to do).

A friend of mine said about my X, "she thinks she is smarter than she is." Oh yes, at the end, this is so obvious. She thinks she can fix herself. My mom thought the same thing, and gave me an often hellish childhood because of it, living in denial. My X knows and has said she knows she is [mentally] "sick" but nothing she is doing is "wise" (as my T puts it), and she is going to follow the same pattern. She going to T once a month isn't going to fix anything in the next decade.