Cuffed and Stuffed

[Conundrum]

Having broken up with my exSO of seven years in March, she's been letting the disorder win this entire year. Embracing, the illness full throttle--while descending into a world of shooting meth, crime and consorting with the most dreadful tweakers imaginable. Such a physically beautiful women, debasing herself with cretins. It's her path... .

Strangely, through most of 2013 we've stayed in touch, albeit in a limited manner. It's been bizarre. Without shaming her or trying to change her, I've been offering a little oasis of functionality within the disordered desert that she wanders in. There are debts that I do owe--because she was a helpful step-mother to my children for a long time. In some inexplicable fashion we're linked for life, and I have a feeling that it may always be so--though I'm not entirely sure.

But the meth use just became too extreme. The shooting up coupled with the disorder spiraling into unprecedented territory--there was too little of her that was recognizable to me anymore. If there was a bottom she needed to find it. But I did not want to be present, if or when that occurred. Consequently, for the first time in almost 8 years, we've gone over a month without contact, until I received this text from her yesterday at 3:45 am:

"Hey, I'm ok. I just wanted you know. I will always love you and

maybe someday soon I will get my head outta my ass to possibly

pick up the pieces with you. Though, I may need rehab."

I took this with a grain of salt because obviously it very BPD'ish, and slightly funny in it's own way. But it did make me wonder, if she's feeling the need to go fishing with me, whether it's a precursor to something weird happening in her life.

Early today, I'm in the shower, then see that I have a voice mail left from a number I don't recognize. "Hey Conundrum, I just wanted let you know I'm in jail. Not asking you to bail me out, Just wanted to let someone know I'm here."   

I call the detention center, her bond's kind of high and it looks like she might be facing felony charges for receiving stolen property and larceny. In other words, she's more than likely going to spend the holiday's locked up--if no one bails her out.

I'm a bit ambivalent about posting her bond because she'll probably skip out on it .  On one hand, it sucks being in jail over the holidays. But on the other this will give her a chance to detox, and is probably the safest place for her at the moment. If she doesn't seduce a jailer and escape, I don't think she's getting out. I'm probably just going to send her a care package through the company that provides that service. At least she'll have a bunch of sweet and salty snacks to nibble on while stewing in detention. No cigarettes, no booze, no meth, stuck in the clink over the holidays. She's in for a world of hurt. No FOG for me. This is where she needs to be. She's been playing with fire, and has been surfing towards this destiny on a meth/BPD wave for months now.           

[Perfidy]

Which hoosegow she in? Definitely my kind of girl!

[Conundrum]

Which hoosegow she in? Definitely my kind of girl!

Brutha, I hear you... .

[patientandclear]

If she doesn't seduce a jailer and escape, I don't think she's getting out.

Conundrum ... .I always really appreciate reading your posts.  They are reality-based and so respectful of pwBPD and also of their erstwhile partners.  Your exhortations that we cannot have a possessory interest in someone with BPD, that our suffering shames them, that we have to respect just how different a paradigm they really are inhabiting ... .they've all been so useful to me.

This however just plain old cracked me up.

I think your plan is the right one.  Maybe it's good news in a strange package.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Not sure if you're just posting or seeking affirmation.  Either way, I appreciate your share and I affirm your decision to not post her bail.  It sounds like some consequences might be beneficial.  Take care of yourself.

[santa]

"Cuffed and stuffed"... .LOL

[TakingWingAtLast]

Conundrum,

Appreciate your post Conundrum.   You seem to be handling things well.  Yet, there is clearly some reengagement attempt there.  Please be careful!

D

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Conundrum-

I too have enjoyed and benefited from your posts; you're a hell of a writer.

I also agree jail is a good place for her; detox, incarceration, serious focus shift and possible eye opener.  We get our messages how we get them, and although there is no cure for BPD, shooting meth is clearly not the answer. This could be a turning point, and I wish you both the best for the holidays.  Take care of you!

[momtara]

Yes, keep her in there.  It's good for her.  It's better than being dead over the holidays.

[Lady31]

Oh goodness.  I know ALL about this.  Not from my exh, but HIS ex.  His daughter's mother whom I was raising with him while we were married was a meth addict.  Shooting up, prostituting, felony identity theft charges (stealing peoples identities and running up credit cards/cashing checks), living on the streets off and on (literally), other theft charges.  Lying to her poor daughter. 

I suspected she also had BPD.  It was a NIGHTMARE.  She was strung out bad the entire time except when they started locking her up for a few months - 6 months at a time.  (She would relapse within 4 to 6 weeks each time after being locked up for 6 months.  Did three 6-8 month stints, 2 were rehab programs that were ordered and she went RIGHT back to it as soon as she could.)

Even without BPD - drug addicts on this level are extremely manipulative, they are liars and they will do ANYTHING with or to ANYONE to get their fix.

You should not bail her out.  Now or ever.  And if you want to help her - I think the best thing is to offer her nothing financially, EVER.  And to completely cut her off in every way shy of her going and getting help, and AFTER she has successfully completed that rehab with time clean.

Meth addicts have a very low chance of getting clean and totally kicking the habit especially once they start shooting it.

You can bet she has been committing these crimes for some time.  The % of times they get caught doing these things is small compared to what they are actually involved in.

Oh the stories - crazy stories I could tell you.  CRAZY twisted crap she did.

That text was simply to still keep you on the hook.  Drug addicts do that whether they have BPD or not.  They will do anything and make up the craziest stories to get their drug.  She will keep trying to keep that connection and play that angle even if it's for potential to get her drugs.  Whether it's financial, needing a ride, needing to borrow a phone because hers is shut off again, needing a place to crash (sleeping for hours and hours) and shower after being awake (literally) for 2 to 5 days binging. (Then she will be promising the moon and be gone again as soon as she has had a day or two of sleep and food.  May even steal your car and rent it out by the hour or out right sell it to get cash for her habit.

There is NOTHING good that can come from this.  I could tell you the pathetic, pitiful stories of the main bf she had during all this time (she had MANY MANY MANY men she hooked up with and used - A LOT he knew of, A LOT he didn't).  That guy went through HELL - and I mean HELL that would probably make a lot of our stories look like a walk in the park.

That addiction is absolutely horrendous.  It's satan.  No lie.

[Learning_curve74]

Everybody who lives long enough will suffer pain and hurt in their lives. When somebody suffers no or few serious consequences, it denies that person the lesson of learning about being responsible for their behavior. It seems like many if not most pwBPD find others to shield them from the natural consequences of their dysfunctional behaviors. When somebody always steps in to save the day, it reinforces their belief that they are not good enough themselves, which is a problem.

Sometimes as hard as it can be to watch, the most loving and compassionate thing is to let a loved one fall.

Best wishes to you, Conundrum, and your ex. 

[Conundrum]

Lady 31, thanks for your post. I all too well understand the issues you speak of. In my case she used meth before I met her. With me she was entirely clean and sober for over 6 years. The allure never leaves, but my girl has the fortitude, to be clean, but she has to commit to handling her BPD for that to be her zeitgeist. She gave into the disorder, and when that happens all bets are off the table. I work in the criminal justice field. The stories I could tell you would blow your mind. I deal with the darkest human tragedies conceivable. My girl's problems don't even come close to what I deal with on a daily basis. She's entirely salvageable, just has to get back to what she know works if she want's to handle her disorder. If she chooses otherwise then the hell-hounds are unleashed and that's where she's currently at.   

[Perfidy]

When i told my physician I was with a meth addict he sent me to get an aids test. My doctor told me meth users are the highest risk group for AIDS. Creepy and weird. That's all I got to say about that. The new me will not associate with meth users. Clean or not. Nothing personal. Been there and done that. It wasn't fun. It was like living with a corpse that would wake up and growl at me. I know a few people that say they are clean from that stuff. One guy went to prison first. Another attempted suicide. I had no idea about meth. I knew it was basically poison but the addictiveness... .I cannot understand addiction. I try. If its that big of a problem just quit? And then... .OOHHHH! OOHHHHH! I can't just QUIT! So when a person quits its not just quitting? Doesn't really make sense to me. Nope... No more meth heads. Some of the nicest folks in the world I'm sure.

[heartandwhole]

Conundrum,

Really sorry to hear that your ex is in such a bad way.  I truly hope she gets the help she needs.  I think you are making a wise decision in not bailing her out.  Your ambivalence is very understandable, and I think rational decision-making over dealing with pulled heartstrings isn't easy. 

[ShadowDancer]

METH and PD... .now that's a "cocktail" in more ways than one... .quite literally and sadly.

From what I have personally seen of that nightmare in a baggy I have some hard feelings. If I were ruler of the world I would offer this to anyone busted for dealing in this horror.

1. First time busted with amounts of meth for sale. FIVE FULL YEARS hard time general population.

2. Second time busted with amounts of meth for sale. TEN FULL YEARS high security solitary hard time.

3. Third time busted with amounts of meth for sale. LIFE. HIGH SECURITY. NO PAROLE.

[Perfidy]

I met a guy got busted for manufacturing... Ten years first offense.

[myself]

She's entirely salvageable, just has to get back to what she know works if she want's to handle her disorder.  

This says it well, shows you care and understand. I hope she does it. These words can also ring true for many of us who are feeling unbalanced in the mix of doubts and feelings we are going through. What works? Where do we need to be? Who better to take care of this for us than us? We can free ourselves from the mess we're in by freeing ourselves.

[ShadowDancer]

I met a guy got busted for manufacturing... Ten years first offense.

Manufacturing? Different dog. LIFE FIRST OFFENSE!

[Phoenix.Rising]

I cannot understand addiction. I try. If its that big of a problem just quit? And then... .OOHHHH! OOHHHHH! I can't just QUIT! So when a person quits its not just quitting? Doesn't really make sense to me. Nope... No more meth heads. Some of the nicest folks in the world I'm sure.

I've heard this so many times, and I understand why non-addicts might feel this way.  But if you're not an addict, there is no way to fully understand addiction.  I am a recovering drug addict with several decades clean, and I can tell you that a true addict can't just 'quit'.  That is a common misunderstanding about addiction.  

Someone who is a drug addict or alcoholic has a different chemical make-up than one who does not suffer from the illness.  It is fairly complex, but brain studies have shown distinct differences.  There are also proven genetic factors at play.  Hence, the addict experiences a physical craving beyond their control that is combined with a mental obsession which fuels the addiction.  The only lasting way out that I've seen has to come from a psychic change, which can be experienced in a variety of ways.  However, it takes a willingness usually only the dying have to want this change.  It is possible, though.  

Actually, most addicts do 'quit' hundreds, if not thousands of times, and actually mean it when they say it!  But they return to the drug due to a powerlessness. The key is finding a greater power, and that requires total surrender.

[Perfidy]

Phoenixrising... .Thats a long time clean. congratulations. That again seems like two different worlds to me. Your reply to this thread is interesting to me. Part of me doesn't want anything to do with addicts. Part of me, well, all of me was in a r/s with a pwBPD co-morbid with addiction to meth. It was insanity.

[fromheeltoheal]

Phoenixrising... .Thats a long time clean. congratulations. That again seems like two different worlds to me. Your reply to this thread is interesting to me. Part of me doesn't want anything to do with addicts. Part of me, well, all of me was in a r/s with a pwBPD co-morbid with addiction to meth. It was insanity.

I say it's different with a personality disorder.  'Normal' folks who have inherited the allergy of the body and trigger it by ingesting mood altering chemicals also develop the obsession of the mind and become addicted, the place where the chemicals are doing them, not the other way around.  Those folks can find something more powerful then their will power and the chemicals and put the disease into remission, simply be not ingesting the chemicals and tending to their spiritual health.

Then again, plenty of folks abuse chemicals but do not cross the line into full blown alcoholism or addiction.  To them the chemicals are the solution, not the problem, although they're a lousy solution that can become the problem.  Substance abuse is common among borderlines, it's actually part of the DSM criteria, one of the 'impulsive behaviors', and it makes sense; my borderline ex was in constant mental turmoil, talked about killing herself all the time, and I learned that had nothing to do with me and I couldn't fix it.  Her drug of choice was ice cream and she could plow through a quart with reckless abandon, look of death on her face, when she was dysregulated, and it was her responsibility to her children that kept her away from stronger substances, but no doubt she would have gone there otherwise.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Phoenixrising... .Thats a long time clean. congratulations.

Thank you.

For the record, I don't have any business being with an active alcoholic/addict, either.  However, I still find myself drawn to some of those types.  My ex drank heavily, and I knew that was a boundary violation for me, but I didn't listen and ended up paying the piper.  I didn't drink or use, but I was putting myself in harm's way. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

I say it's different with a personality disorder.

I've thought a lot about this, too, because my ex abused alcohol.  She certainly drank like an alcoholic, but I cannot say for certain if she is one or if that is part of her lack of impulse control due to BPD.  However, a person can have a personality disorder and also be addicted to a chemical or substance.  I've watched other people who I suspect have BPD use alcohol addictively and then stop it suddenly, but continue to 'act out' in other ways.  I do believe, however, that a personality disorder is much harder to treat if there is substance abuse on top of it.  In other words, treatment will be more effective once the substance abuse is dealt with.  Alcoholism can also mimic certain personality disorders.  What a fun mess!