She's broke her usual pattern & nearly toppled my guard

[Moonie75]

Instead of the usual devaluation while I try to jump through all the hoops, before ultimately discarding me, we ended differently this time.

I caught her lying to me about being being indoors with female friend & caught her on a night out in a pub with a group of men including at least two admirers (that have told her).

She saw me look across the pub right into her startled eyes!

No big show down!

No big argument!

I just gave her a thumbs up, turned & left the building.

Several txt's & missed calls from her throughout the night. Txt's & voicemails all claiming she'd done nothing wrong & I was obsessive, controlling & she could do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. Yadda yadda yadda bla bla bla!

NO RESPONSE from me. Just a txt next day to say I'd left her belongings from my place in a bag by her back door.

She was still signed into her email on my laptop & I noticed she signed up with an online dating site the very nxt morning after I caught her.

Her profile is very impressive to a stranger, but I personally found it to be the best comedy gold I'd ever read!

Even more so because she's always sneered at online dating sites & claimed it a dumping ground for desperados!

All this was two weeks ago. I was getting some last minute xmas shopping yesterday & she walked into the shop while I queued to pay. She came over & asked me what I was doing for Xmas as I obviously was no longer attending Xmas with her parents like we usually did?

No hate & venom which would usually be her style in a break up. Although it appeared to be there but she was trying very hard to hold it in!

Me. "Give your folks my best for Xmas & I hope they like whichever online jockey you bring to their Xmas table! I assume eharmony is bringing in the men?"

Her. "You'll have to be more specific."

Me. "You know what I'm talking about! Or take one of the guys you weren't with from the pub you weren't in on the night you weren't out!"

She turned & walked away saying "when you're ready to be more mature let me know".

I'd blocked her on my phone after pub caper. But this morning she's txt'd me from another number.

"Hi it's *****. I've been informed you won't be in Somerset for Christmas. Where would you like me to leave your presents? Xx"

I don't know whether to reply saying I don't want them so return them to shops while there's time to get refunded. Or to tell her to share them amongst the online guys. Or to ignore. Risk of ignoring is her turning up with them.

This is still so fresh & raw I can't think straight. Head's battered & I even went through a red light after reading the txt just before getting in the car!

Mother of god I'm struggling friends!

[Ironmanrises]

She assumed you were going to play along with the script and turn a blind eye until the day came for her to inevitably discard you. You just beat her to that conclusion. Do realize she will use this in some form to try and bait you yet again in the future. Hang in there Moonie.

[Moonie75]

I hear you Ironman. Although she's only got two days to bait me with Xmas gibber!

I do feel childish not telling her to return the gifts & get refunded. That would be inline with my moral code. My problem is, that would mean a reply, which would be engaging her! A boundary busted within weeks! Would also no doubt open door to txt's about me being immature, selfish or downright ungrateful.

I would love to have heard the bomb go off inside her head when I made her aware I knew of the online dating caper! Lol she's always been so opinionated & judgemental about it!

Though it did surprise me as she does only seem to like one at a time (with slight overlap between each man). So if working on one of her pub congregation why the online add?

Maybe the intended one isn't a certain enough bet so the online job is a back up?

I feel whoever she's with from now on, that online profile will be a safety net left permanently in position. What better for a BPD than waking to a daily email presenting "here are today's matches!"

Love sucks as much as lies do!

[Tolou]

I think this is all about control, and you are letting her have way too much control over your life and feelings.  Even though it is difficult f you are truely ready to walk from someone, you can.  It hurts, but it is obvious this is not a healthy relationship with you, themore you continue, the more pain it will cause.  Ask yourself, why I am continuing to communicate at all with this person?  You do not have to answer the calls, or text, you will never make her see things through an adult rational or persepctive where she will be empathetic of your feeling.  If you are truely done, then you need to act like it.  Actions really do speak louder than words because your words will not get through to her.  However, not communicating with at all, that says a lot.  You want closure?  Difficult, but you can say something like, it best for my health to longer have contact with you, and if you can't tell her, tell yourself that.  Why do I continue to engage in something that driving me to this point and to these feelings?  Before she met you, she was who she and doing probably the same type of things, and after she no longer knows you, it will continue until she accepts that something within her needs to change.  That whole calling you immature rant, was projecting, and in a way, maybe it was because you are allowing her to bring you to her level of dealing with things.  You can have simply wished a happy holiday and kep it moving.  If you are not with er, she has no need to know where you are going or waht you are doing... .I would not accept gifts, what she does with them, who cares, just say you have everything you need and would appreciate being left alone, of that is what you want?

I hope I am of help?

[lost not dead]

Moonie

      You did the healthiest thing possible. Right now you are a hero for us Nons. She wanted the safety of you while she fed her bottomless pit for attention.  When she got busted by you when you trusted her and were just going out for a pint she lost. Erase her email go n/c and work on you if needed because I see that you owe her nothing.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Moonie75,

Good to see you again, although I'm sorry for the reason.  This is hard, especially during the holidays.  Of course you are struggling, I know I would be, too!   

It's very raw and fresh, as you say.  Maybe it's too early to know if you are done. What do you think?  Is this it, Moonie?    We're here to support you through this.

If you're done, you know what to do.  Follow your values and communicate your boundary.  

heart

[Moonie75]

After enjoying the comedy reading matter she privileged me with on my laptop I logged out of her email & back into mine.

I've ignored all messages & voicemails since I busted her (except for 1 txt I sent telling her I'd dropped her things off).

I've blocked her email, phone number & WhatsApp. And now also the number she txt'd me from this morning. I've decided to maintain the silence & it should, hopefully, further the message that I'm done!

Busting her lies in the pub!

Radio silence since!

Informing her I know of the online dating profile opened immediately!

(I confess it was a childish pleasure that one, but I'm havin that coz I deserve a little pleasure).

Not responding to polite Christmas gift message with its friendly kisses!

Surely she's gotta get it soon?

[Tolou]

Good For you, stay strong. Really your doing yourself a favor and her.  If people continue to allow her to do these things she, its starts with you putting a stop to it.  It is not responsibilty to do anything further!

[myself]

Surely she's gotta get it soon?

That would be a Christmas miracle!

It probably won't happen. She's texting you from other numbers so she's using any means to try to show she's done no wrong. Thinking if she can prove that, she'll get away with the pain she caused. Eventually she might give up, finding someone else. She knows what she's doing, though. You setting boundaries helps her see it. Most importantly, it shows the truth to yourself, which makes you stronger. Healthier.

[Moonie75]

Myself, thank you I hope you're right.

Her brother knocked at the door earlier. No beef with him he's a good bloke & decent all rounder.

Brother, "I've got some Xmas gifts here for you. One from me & two from ******"

Me, "Thank you but me & your sis we're not together anymore. It feels inappropriate now accepting your gift all though we get on great. I don't want her presents or anything to do with her!"

Brother, "She's drove me here & she's waiting in the car park. F**k her mate we never crossed swords & never will you're a good bloke. Take my gift & I'll return these two to ******"

Me, "Thank you. Thanks for the gift & have a great Xmas"

Shortly afterwards txt from her brother saying "Good to see you. ****** says she'll leave your presents at our mums incase you pop in to see them."

I replied "good to see you too mate. Take care"

Un-feckin believable!

[arn131arn]

Moonie... .STAY STRONG BRO!

I think how you handled it was great.

Keep it up

[Aussie0zborn]

Moonie you handled that so well I wasn't expecting you to finish your original post by saying you can't think straight.

Keep up the good work.

[Moonie75]

Oz, thank you.

I'm in that phase where outwardly I'm looking cool & well held together.

On the inside I'm experiencing every unpleasant emotion conceivable, simultaneously, and to the extreme!

Falling for a BPD has been emotional heart cancer!

[Iwalk-Heruns]

I hear you Ironman. Although she's only got two days to bait me with Xmas gibber!

I do feel childish not telling her to return the gifts & get refunded. That would be inline with my moral code. My problem is, that would mean a reply, which would be engaging her! A boundary busted within weeks! Would also no doubt open door to txt's about me being immature, selfish or downright ungrateful.

I would love to have heard the bomb go off inside her head when I made her aware I knew of the online dating caper! Lol she's always been so opinionated & judgemental about it!

Though it did surprise me as she does only seem to like one at a time (with slight overlap between each man). So if working on one of her pub congregation why the online add?

Maybe the intended one isn't a certain enough bet so the online job is a back up?

I feel whoever she's with from now on, that online profile will be a safety net left permanently in position. What better for a BPD than waking to a daily email presenting "here are today's matches!"

Love sucks as much as lies do!

This is what it thought before I even read it.

Have you also considered that she wanted you to see the online profile to get some sort of rise out of you? She knows it's your computer. It would seem likely if she was really hiding it she would have made sure to close out. They are usually pretty good at covering their tracks. Maybe she wants to stir your emotions because she feels you withdrawing which they are hyper vigilant of. She wants to have her cake and eat it too so when you busted her at the bar she knew you were mad and maybe done. She wants you to feel you might loose her. When that wasn't working she started being reasonable(in her mind) with the presents. Just a thought. Crap I'm starting to think like a BPD woman!

[Moonie75]

Iwalk, I think there's a lot in what you say.

The dating site caper was set up the day after I busted her. I agree that they are usually very smart and not usually so loose with their secret world (such as email account).

She registered with eharmony (presumably at her place on her own pc), and I saw all the welcome, preview your profile etc etc emails the next day when I saw my lap top was still logged into her email account.

She did look pretty stunned when I dropped the line in asking if eharmony was 'bringing in the men?' Lol it was a sweet moment in a $hite week!

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Iwalk, I think there's a lot in what you say.

The dating site caper was set up the day after I busted her. I agree that they are usually very smart and not usually so loose with their secret world (such as email account).

She registered with eharmony (presumably at her place on her own pc), and I saw all the welcome, preview your profile etc etc emails the next day when I saw my lap top was still logged into her email account.

She did look pretty stunned when I dropped the line in asking if eharmony was 'bringing in the men?' Lol it was a sweet moment in a $hite week!

I certainly don't want to rain on your parade moonie! You certainly deserve a sweet moment but I'm still feeling like from your description that it was a set up. Or the " great dating site caper" that made me laugh! I could be wrong. you know her and saw her reaction. mine, as I found out could put on acts worthy of an oscar. Not sure if it matters either way but it may as far as how easy she is able to keep up her games which in my case kept me hooked and made it harder to disengage. I just don't see setting up a dating profile on my bf computer and forgetting to close out. Idk.

[ThelmaKiddo]

Moonie,

I am new here, and I must say, I am impressed with how you are navigating around the hooks she is throwing at you.

Well done!