How to Protect Me and Be a Good Sister to Her

[sero sed serio]

Greetings,

I have drafted five different messages.  I don't know how to begin.  I love my sister AND I have deep flight-or-fight terror of her potential for cruelty.  I want to learn how to protect myself and how to be a loving sister to her.  That's the crux of it.  Thank you for any advice you can offer.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi sero sed serio



I'm sorry to hear you're having such a difficult relationship with your sister. It's hard when someone you're close to lashes out and act cruel towards you. I'm glad you've come here though, as you'll find lots of support and helpful advice here.

What's your relationship like with your sister at the moment?

How old is she?

What are some of the things that have happened lately that are hard for you?

I'm looking forward to hearing more from you. Continue to post, it really does help. We're here for you.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi sero sed serio,

Welcome!   Sometimes it is hard to get started when you have so much going on. It's great that you're reaching out, though, as there are many of us here who have relatives with BPD (my mother has BPD) and understand what it's like to love someone who is affected by the disorder.

Scarlet Phoenix has asked some great questions, and I'd curious to know the answers as well. Once we have a better idea of your situation, we can recommend some resources to help you work on yourself and your relationship with your sister.

Welcome again, and feel free to share whatever you're comfortable with sharing.

-GG

[sero sed serio]

Thank you so much for your kindness and encouragement.  My sister, 44, is six years younger than me.  I believe she has made such wonderful progress in her life despite a childhood of neglect.  She holds a great job.  She has bought a home and is a single mother caring for her teenage daughter.  She works hard to keep her own boundaries and asks for what she needs from me.  She's dear, delightful, devoted and very funny.  And again, she has come so far.  I live in a warm family with my husband and children.  I am supported and loved and my husband both loves and is wary of my sister because of her capacity for rage and cruelty. 

I often have to check with friends and family after an incident with my sister, reporting what she has said or done and making sure I'm not alone in my impression or overreacting.  The funny/awful thing is that she never acknowledges having said or done anything out of the ordinary.  Never an apology, and often an appeal for more connection when I have drawn away out of hurt and a need for self protection.  It is crazy-making.

We are making progress now that I live near her.  Not every encounter is either hysterically fun and positive or deeply unhappy.  Sometimes we are just okay together, and I treasure that.  But I withdraw and pull far, far away when I have been hurt, and then wonder how in the world to move forward.  Should I tell her what she did?  (The thought of that kind of honest confrontation gives me neck tingling terror... .her wicked intelligence and ability to use my vulnerability against me is horrifying to me).  It doesn't feel right to move on as if nothing has happened, in fact, I can't.  I'm frozen.

Sometimes what happens is in a conversation there is general good will, and then a slow subtle turn toward insult and judgement and comments that call up something I shared in a vulnerable moment.  I might not even understand that I'm being attacked until I hang up, suddenly realizing that my heart is pounding and I feel incredibly anxious.  I have to check in with my husband or a friend, going over what has been said, trying to see if 'that really happened.'  If the things she said are in fact cruel ... .because of course she hasn't and will never acknowledge having said anything untoward.  Other times there is very sudden and surprising anger directed at me, with such articulate finesse, and so deeply aimed at my very being. 

So, I hope that's enough to start with.  She has not been diagnosed with BPD to my knowledge.  I am nowhere near brave enough to bring this up with her.  She takes Zoloft for anxiety and depression and has said that she has been diagnosed with paranoia. 

Recently I was talking with a friend who is a mental health nurse.  She laughed that her way of not taking her mother's "crazy" personally was to treat her as if she was one of her patients.  I had this sudden thought that if there was any way I could gain some distance and learn to protect myself, this might be it.  Friends have been speculating that my sister has BPD for years.  When I came to this site and read all the descriptions, enough matched that I believe strategies I learn here will help.

Thank you again.  I'm so grateful that there is even hope of learning how to protect myself.  And just as importantly, to be a good sister, a loving, reliable support.

[GeekyGirl]

Thanks, sero. That gives us a better idea of what you're working with.

Not every encounter is either hysterically fun and positive or deeply unhappy.  Sometimes we are just okay together, and I treasure that.  But I withdraw and pull far, far away when I have been hurt, and then wonder how in the world to move forward.  Should I tell her what she did?  (The thought of that kind of honest confrontation gives me neck tingling terror... .her wicked intelligence and ability to use my vulnerability against me is horrifying to me).  It doesn't feel right to move on as if nothing has happened, in fact, I can't.  I'm frozen.

You've really tried to get along with her, which is great. You can tell her that her actions have hurt your feelings, if you feel like you need to address that with her. SET (TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth) is a good tool to use when you want to share your views with someone or need to hold a boundary. "When you xxxx, it makes me feel xxx," kinds of statements can work well too.

If the things she said are in fact cruel ... .because of course she hasn't and will never acknowledge having said anything untoward.  Other times there is very sudden and surprising anger directed at me, with such articulate finesse, and so deeply aimed at my very being. 

I know that can be very difficult--my mother is the person in my life with BPD, and she's said some things that have really hurt. It's hard to take a step back and see that it's her own lack of confidence that causes her to lash out, but when I can look at it that way, it's easier to see what's really happening.

Feel free to jump into the conversation here! Believe me, there are a lot of us who know what you're feeling.

[zone out]

Recently I was talking with a friend who is a mental health nurse.  She laughed that her way of not taking her mother's "crazy" personally was to treat her as if she was one of her patients.  I had this sudden thought that if there was any way I could gain some distance and learn to protect myself, this might be it. 

Serio - I want to join Geeky Girl and Scarlet Phoenix in welcoming you to BPD family.  You are not alone - many of us have such similar experiences with our loved ones.  My mother is uBPD and I have been using this tactic to help me detach and depersonalize the situation - to help me cope.  I sort of talk myself into a role play as I am driving round to her house.  I also think of her as a project, I have got a big file full of articles from this site!

You sound like a really loving sister, and it is nice to make the most of the good times.  There are lots of resources on this site to help us deal with the difficult times.  Read lots of posts, use the search facility at the top to extract specific information.  Above all keep posting and let us know how things are going.

[kindsoul]

Sero,

I can't tell you how much I identify with your post. I too have and uBPD sister who uses anything I've told her in a state of vulnerability "against me". She lashes out at times and sends barbs of angry insults my way as if she's asking you to pass the salt. Never acknowledging that she might have hurt my feelings and never even thinking about anyone else but her own needs. Indeed it is very very difficult. I too have pretty severe "fight or flight" reactions to these incidents. I am not an expert on this matter, by any means, but I have been in my own personal growth therapy for 6 years, a lot of it centered around how to deal with my relationship with my sister. What tends to work for me. I don't answer my phone right away when I know it is her... .I will let her leave me a message on voicemail and listen to it so that I know what I'm getting into with her. I breathe and stay in a calm space when talking with her and try not to "fix" her or her many many problems. I acknowledge her pain and I move on. I have gone months without talking to her due to her nasty, angry behavior. Distance is great if you can get it. I am learning to set boundaries for myself and to find a safe space, within myself to tap into when I start to feel panicky around her. It is an ongoing process for me as I know that I can only change my own behavior and reactions to her behavior. So I hope this is a little bit helpful. It is very very difficult. Keep writing and reading and learning about yourself and what you need.

[Dogwoody]

Hi Sero Sed Serio,

The BPD person in my family is also my sister. I feel exactly like you do in many ways - experiencing fight or flight levels of panic when she is "triggered off" and wanting to be a reasonably good sister to her. I am two years older than she and we are both in our mid-sixties, so hey! This sure has been going on a long time... .

[Dogwoody]

I have just completed “resolving” another challenging situation with my BPD sister. 

There should be peace now, as regards that particular situation, for a good long while, possibly forever. The process I went through, however, has shown me that:

One, I have still not achieved sufficient detachment from her, because, when she is triggered, she can push every button that remains in my entire psyche, all at once.

Two, I have still not achieved sufficient cleansing and neutralizing within myself, because, when she is triggered, I find myself filled with feelings of dislike, aversion, impatience, defensiveness, anger and panic.

Three, I have still not mastered skills well enough because, if I am feeling grounded and unstressed when she triggers, I can usually handle it reasonably well. But if she triggers when I am in a high stress situation myself (such as trying to catch a plane or dealing with unusually challenging professional demands), then I blow it with her big time. In such situations I find myself effectively unable to practice sympathy, empathy and truth.

Four, I have still not clearly defined for myself what I hope to achieve with her. Because our ways of perceiving are so different and incompatible, I avoid being with her and communicating with her as much as possible. I keep up with birthday and Christmas cards and presents and in observing these events I try to be thoughtful and generous, at a safe distance. She has expressed the desire to have phone communication with me on a regular basis, but I have had to say no.  I have promised however that I would always answer her emails.

Five, I am still polluted with residual anger as a result of her alcohol abuse that continued for about 35 years, from which she is still in recovery (at least I hope so).  I am still very angry because she siphoned off a huge amount of energy and attention from our family, not to mention the heaps of money she has wasted. I think that the stress of dealing with my sister took years off my father’s life.

And there’s more. But that’s enough for right now.

[kindsoul]

Dogwoody, You are so right about the siphoning of energy and the toxic feelings these relationships can create. I can identify with the way you handle things when grounded vs. when stressed. Be kind to yourself and don't judge the way you've reacted. This stuff is very difficult and none of us are perfect at it, especially when we get sucked into their web. I hope that you can cleanse yourself of this latest event and breathe new light into your being. Try to move away from the thoughts about it and begin again. Big Hug to you and to everyone going through this. I've been there too. I am elated that my sister and her husband left for a vacation for a week. A vacation for her means a vacation for me! It's the only time I can feel like I can relax and not wait for something to spring up that she deems needs my attention.

[Artfulmind]

I was shocked to hear the similarities in your feelings and situation with your sister and my own with my sister. She has BPD. I too am trying to learn how to be a loving sister to her even though her behavior and things she does enrages me and makes me want to detach from her. It's so hard.

[Kit kart]

I also have a BPD siste who is going to have surgery soon. I have consented to meeting her at the hospital to offer support. She has no spouse or children and is in her mid 50's. She also has a history of not following through on doctor appointments and previous surgeries, so I'm not entirely positive she will follow through this time either. We shall see. I hope to keep my boundaries and my sanity intact.

[NowhereFast]

Sero sed serio,

I too have a BPD sister and understand the juggling act between wanting to be loving and supportive and needing to establish boundaries and protect yourself. And you DO have the right to protect yourself and your own feelings--someone else's mental illness does not give them carte blanche to verbally abuse everyone in their life.

There are some great reading suggestions and resources pinned at the top of this board that can help you figure out how to maintain a relationship with a sometimes difficult sibling while still maintaining the necessary boundaries to protect yourself and your emotions.

[Blondy90]

Hi Sero sed serio,

Like many people who have replied I can totally relate to your post. Not so much now but when we were younger my dBPD sister really used my vulnerabilities against me, especially to manipulate my mum in to getting what she wanted. She was the only person in the world that could make me see red and completely switch and we had horrendous fights. It made me feel like a terrible person but she pushed me to the limit all the time. I learnt quickly that you have to pick your battles and I identify with the fight or flight thing. Sometimes I do challenge her because she indulges so deeply in her fantasies and delusions that I just cannot listen to her rant and I put across the other side of the story. She doesn't always accept it but it makes me feel better! However, if the situation escalates I just remove myself from the situation. It is not worth your time and energy to get caught up in her games and violence.

There is light at the end of the tunnel! Me and my sister have a largely loving relationship now. We have our ups and downs and she can still be very nasty and hurtful when she wants to be but I have learnt how to deal with her behaviour, effectively set boundaries for myself and protect my mental health. It's been a long road though I can tell you. However, I feel it has been worth it to maintain a relationship with her. I love her very much despite what she's put the family through. I try to be the best sister I can be but you have to keep your distance and not get too emotionally involved. I find it very hard to be outwardly loving with her - I don't hug her much and rarely tell her I love her which I know is something I should work on but when you have spent a lifetime shutting yourself off emotionally this is difficult.

I think it's brilliant that you want to establish a loving relationship. It can be done but please protect yourself. Make sure you are ready and strong enough to handle whatever may come with her and don't be scared to admit you need help or you're stuggling. Good luck!

[ABCD1234]

I wrote several months ago. My sister 2 yrs older than me has uBPD. She also has terminal cancer. I am NC. Even so, she is still affecting me, sending emails filled with so much anger and hate. I will block her email when I get on my puter again. We were "best friends" growing up which meant I was her soother, sometimes her jester, but I am done. I will never see her again and I am at peace. I am still peeling back the layers of hurt, anger, distrust, protection, who knows what else? I even realized I had adopted BPD behaviors that I am now working through in therapy and finding new coping strategies. This disorder has effected me and my whole family. My mom and my older sister are also NC because of bPD sis abuse. I think my dad was BPD too, but died of cancer in '97. I look forward to having healthy relations with my remaining family members and breaking the cycle of untreated mental illness.  Happy New Year!