Can she make plans or keep a schedule?

[joethemechanic]

I think this is our biggest source of conflict. It's like she runs her life as a series of impulses.  How she has kept the same job for 15 years is beyond me. And she really doesn't understand why I get angry about her continual changing of plans.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DreamFlyer99]

hi Joethemechanic!

It's interesting that you use the word "impulse" since I'm so keyed into that as a result of raising an ADHD son. But truly I have seen some of the same things from my undiagnosed BPD husband in terms of being impulsive. And one thing I've read that I found very compelling is that the person with BPD generally has issues in the same part of the brain as the person with ADHD, the executive functions part of the brain. It's the part responsible for planning and follow through, and can be underdeveloped in the pwBPD in the same way as the pwADHD! Interesting huh? it at least helped me understand that about both of them.

My H has held jobs very long term and very successfully too, tho he leaves messes after doing jobs that his coworkers end up cleaning up, just like he'll leave messes for me by not carrying through to the end of something like opening a package and then cleaning up the packing materials and the box. And he's way more capable of planning and following through at his work where he feels more control. Home is a separate thing altogether, a place he feels much less able to take care of things because he doesn't understand them as well as he does work.

Odd but true!

[MrConfused]

In my experience, no. Mine never kept a job longer than 18 months (She had no idea why) The job she recently left (the place I work at) she left with wild plans for the future, starting a career doing what she loved. Needless to say, that hasn't happened. She's been unemployed for a while now, turned down numerous jobs that she's been interviewed for and offered because she simply can not make up her mind.

We'd forever make plans to do things together, only for her to cancel last minute. She'd then act like it was no big deal (or not even mention it) No matter how I felt or that I'd done x/y/z to make myself free/arranged stuff. If she rearranged it, she'd change her mind again and we'd have to go out and do something completely different than the original date. Nothing was ever firm.

If I raised her behaviour with her, I got guilt tripped as I was "making her feel bad"

I've since learnt that she does this to everyone, yet hates it when people get upset with her and uses it as an excuse to cut them out of her life.

[joethemechanic]

We'd forever make plans to do things together, only for her to cancel last minute. She'd then act like it was no big deal (or not even mention it) No matter how I felt or that I'd done x/y/z to make myself free/arranged stuff. If she rearranged it, she'd change her mind again and we'd have to go out and do something completely different than the original date. Nothing was ever firm.

Yeah, this exactly, it's making me nuts. The crazy thing is we really do spend lots of time together, but just hanging out, because no plan is ever followed through. Even if the plan is something she wanted to do in the first place. When I try to explain to her that it really screws me up when she changes everything at the last minute she says that I am being "very controlling"

[joethemechanic]

the person with BPD generally has issues in the same part of the brain as the person with ADHD

You know I had a stepson from when I was married to someone else (long story) who had ADHD. Now that you mention it I do see some parallels

[an0ught]

Hi joethemechanic,

is sure is irritating to watch seemingly random acts triggered out of nowhere. There is another side to impulses however: I suddenly felt an impulse to respond to your post - maybe impulses are a good thing?

Accepting that our SO is driven a lot more by impulses and different from us is an important first step. While it drives us mad to see impulsive boundary crossing the same impulsiveness may have led to us connecting to each other. Impulsiveness is a fairly fundamental part of how a person operates and won't change much. (That is not saying people can't learn how they act on impulses). And we may even love our partner for being spontaneous.  

Controlling impulses is virtually impossible, trying to do so is controlling (invalidating leading to dysregulation), channeling them into something useful is not likely to happen in the short term. So... .

We can aim at limiting damage on our side from impulses - boundaries are critical. That is one reason boundaries need to be under our control otherwise they are "spontaneously" crossed.

We can aim at a calmer validating environment and hope it is less eliciting impulses and providing more time and space for evaluating the impact of acting upon the impulse.

Ultimately a pwBPD needs to adopt own an own set of boundaries aka. growing up - yes this is a great car and I want to buy it - no, won't act on it  today as it is way over my budget and the current car is only a year old. This may take therapy and definitely some time.

I think this is our biggest source of conflict. It's like she runs her life as a series of impulses.  How she has kept the same job for 15 years is beyond me. And she really doesn't understand why I get angry about her continual changing of plans.

Knowing she is not reliable - can you plan in a way that lets the consequences of changes to plans fall on her side?

[hergestridge]

Speaking of ADHD;

My BPDwive's doctor told my wife that she definately had ADHD and that they only had to do a few tests first, as "formalities". It turns out that she did great at the tests. No ADHD. Her inattention, hypersensitivity and hyperfocus is... .something else.

As for "changing her mind" (changing OUR plans on HER impulse) I have set a boundary. Once we have decided on something (like plans) together, I am not re-negotiating or chaging this unless there is something like force majeure. If she begins to change her mind last minute then I prefer to cancel altogether rather than getting into some type of re-scheduling thing.

She's had this thing about changing the time for meals, trying to postpone them as much as possible (some type of mind game - don't ask!). Things like that makes it necesary to have a "schedule" and to stick to it.