I dont want to start a fight... but I refuse to be an human punching bag.

[Manz30]

Just looking to vent out a bit here, but if you want to throw some advice here you are welcome as well

My SO (female) has BPD, diagnosed and all and she did some therapy which really helped her (no more major crisis or meltdown since) however she still has that nasty tendency of being verbally abusive when things are not how she feels they should be ( she is a single child and on top of that a perfectionist as well).

She is also going through one of those ''quarter life'' crisis: she doesn't know what she wants in life anymore, nor if she wants to be with me etc... .

Anyway with the holidays stress she's been snapping at me almost daily and for the most part I tried to take the high road and let her know I wont play her game, but yeah I snapped back at her in front of friends and now she is in drama mode (appearances are EVERYTHING FOR HER) . Guess I'll have to apologize for my behavior later on while saying I wont let myself being treated like that. The thing I hate the most about her is that I have an easy time forgiving her actions but she takes forever to let things go when I wronged her (according to her anyway). On top of that she is mad at a friend of mine recently and she is mad at how she believes that I am taking is side ( which I am not, but I wont take responsibility for his behavior)

Anyway, tomorrow is our 3 years wedding anniversary (we have been together for almost 7 years now) and I will have to be on my best behavior while she will be sulking from the fight we had today - ''sigh''

I love her but sometimes all this f******* b******makes me soo tired. I actually started seeing a therapist recently to help me deal with our marriage. For the first time in my life also this crap is taking a toll on me and I am starting to feel depressed :S

Anyway for the folks with a BPD SO, does that crap makes you tired sometimes ? . Also sometimes do you guys wonder if its your SO that is being a b**** or is it her/his BPD speaking ? Where do you draw the line ?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Annie Hall]

I know what you mean, sometimes I wonder if my fiance is milking the situation a little too much and taking me for a ride willingly. I guess it comes down to... you can't know. It's good that you're seeing a therapist, if you're not ok you can't be there for anyone, let alone someone with BPD. And I say that after being in therapy twice as a result of my relationship. It is making me tired to the point where I find it hard to focus or do normal everyday things.

Remember it's never personal, despite the personal attacks.

Going back to what is borderline and what is the person, i don't think you can separate that so clearly. Because the borderline might affect their perception of what happened, and their behaviour relies on that twisted perception. What I hear a lot from my SO is that his response is appropriate in relation to what he considers happened. And that's the debate usually is. Although there is agreement that verbal abuse is never acceptable, I did get "I hate you", "I want you to die" etc.

It hurts like a *****, but it has nothing to do with you when it's said, and everything to do with their pain. At least that's what my SO says after an episode when we're down to apologies and understanding what happened.

Hope this helps and you have a great anniversary, despite everything.

[waverider]

Anyway with the holidays stress she's been snapping at me almost daily and for the most part I tried to take the high road and let her know I wont play her game,

If you engage in conflict with her, you are playing her game.

[Narina]

Yes, it is tiresome. I have days that I consider going to the hospital to be treated for exhaustion. His rages often begin at 1am and go for hours. Even if he does stop, I'm so stressed by then I can't sleep. I don't even know what triggers him sometimes. Last night I was watching a video, but I have been sad over a recent death. I was told to go kill myself repeatedly. Yes, it's tiring and depressing.

[joshbjoshb]

Hey friend,

I feel your pain.

Tired is what I feel many times. Well, right now I am more feeling apathy. Her rages have very little effect on me.

You have to work on your self esteem, sir. She is trying to hurt you and you let yourself get hurt. You have to ask yourself why is it that you get so agitated by someone who is clearly not emotionally well?

You are not talking the high road yet, you just pretend to. One day I hope you will really get to a point where almost any hurting comment by your SO will mean nothing. Just sigh, feel bad for her, sometimes daydream how other spouses look like, and then perhaps resolve to stay nonetheless.

[waverider]

Keep in mind that whilst embroiled in conflict with a pwBPD whilst you are often arguing about the issue, they are arguing to keep you engaged in their chaos. The issue is expendable and flexible.

Conflict is a way of expressing their emotions, not to resolve an issue.

[karma_gal]

Keep in mind that whilst embroiled in conflict with a pwBPD whilst you are often arguing about the issue, they are arguing to keep you engaged in their chaos. The issue is expendable and flexible.

Conflict is a way of expressing their emotions, not to resolve an issue.

Not to highjack, but this makes so much sense I can't believe I didn't figure it out before reading this one sentence.  This explains all of the circular arguments, the seemingly huge rages over insignificant things, the "kitchen sink" arguments that go on for hours... .yet nothing has ever been resolved.  It is one of the things that drives me crazy, that he seems to have all these complaints out of the blue but has never once tried to find a solution.  Now I know he really doesn't want to find one; that it's not what it's about, after all.  I told you in another thread but will say it here, you are brilliant!  Thank you!

[Manz30]

Conflict is a way of expressing their emotions, not to resolve an issue.

Amen to that... .I think since she has been to therapy, I kinda let my guard down and assume that all this fighting is normal picketing while in reality some of it (at least, is still her BPD speaking out). I have to stop letting myself being dragged into those pointless fight... .(we actually just had one out of the blue while watching a TV show and I couldn't figure out why she would bring that point up and even when I asked her after it cooled down a bit why ? she didn't know... .)... .

Its not about the why we fight... .its what makes her want to fight... .Epiphany anyone ?