BPD and sexuality

[Seneca]

Anyone know of a resource (article, link, or stored knowledge) regarding PwBPD and sex. My uBPDh has objectified me in emotional and physical ways throughout the relationship, and placed a very heavy emphasis on sex.

I am wondering if there is any information regarding how they view sex, the emphasis placed on it, the role it plays psychologically for them. It is clear to me that through word and action, he has never loved me... .certainly not in any normal sense... .and I think not in an abnormal sense either. But some of my thoughts about our time together had me going back in the memory bank and realizing the HEAVY importance put on the intimate life... .and I am trying to understand it. Can anyone help with this?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[damage control]

Hi Seneca

I don't know of a resource per se but I have some experience/s in PD's + sex.  Some of this is my own and I have some shiny new exp courtesy of the recent ex.

I don't know if I can offer anything worthwhile or insightful but, happy to read and respond.

Of course, someone else may have a resource for you

[Cloudy Days]

I honestly think sex for BPD's is very individualized based on the person. Some of them don't seem to want sex unless it is when things are new, some of them were traumatized and have a hard time even being touched and some of them want it all the time (like my husband)

[CodependentHusband]

There seems to be a correlation between sexual abuse and BPD. You might try looking into that. A book by Wendy Maltz entitled The Sexual Healing Journey helped me a lot directly. It also helped my dBPDw in an indirect way, even if she has no idea about it. If your pwBPD is not a survivor of SA, the book may still hold some value for you. My wife does not identify herself as a survivor of SA and is in denial about her BPD diagnosis.

I had to read the Kindle edition in order to avoid a potential trigger for her. It's just how it is in a BPD relationship, unfortunately. I wish I could tell you that it improved our intimate life, but unfortunately, I think the benefits came more from my understanding and changes I made in myself about how I view sexuality in our relationship. There is no magic wand to make her mentally healthy. Coming to terms with that, and all that comes along with it, truly helped me to find a lot of peace. I'm glad I still love her, despite the lack of consistent closeness that I wanted in or marriage. Best of luck with this. Stay positive. Better days are ahead for you.

[Seneca]

Thanks for the feedback. I do think that our whole relationship was founded and based on physicality. And in many ways he has crossed boundaries with unwanted touching, grabbing, groping etc in public and in front of other people. He sort of treats me like a doll, at the same time, insists that I enjoy and want what we are doing... .to the point where he cant perform if I am not appearing to be into it. But from his perspective he has said he feels no connection to ME and I often feel like he is screwing the wall... .he is just lifelessly going at it. But I have to feel very connected and must be enjoying it and must want it and cannot protest when he grabs my boob or pinches my ass in church.

But a thread in the undecided forum shows a WIDE variety of sexual behaviors, levels of intimacy, desires, preferences etc... .so I think it is probably different for every PwBPD.

[CodependentHusband]

True, sexual behaviors can manifest in several different ways, just as other personality traits do for different people. BPD tends to magnify some aspects, and dampen others. One thing that does seem to be commonly reported, is a lack of perceived emotional connection. That's true with my pwBPD, but sometimes it is to a lesser extent than I have often heard described here by others.

[an0ught]

Hi Seneca,

while not exactly fitting your situation (it is more about us) this is a workshop we have on a related topic:  SELF-AWARE: When is good sex a bad thing?

[cece]

I do not have any answers for you, but I do know exactly how it feels.  I find it difficult to even undress in front of my SO because of the groping and grabbing that occurs.  There is absolutely no romance in our life.  I have total financial responsibility while he sleeps most of the day.  I am tired in the evenings and he is up until all hours in the morning.  It is a tiresome circle.

He was diagnosed officially 30 years ago and has been seeing a therapist 2 to 4 times per month for all of these years.  Of course he has said the Dr. tells him that men cheat if they are in a sexless marriage and he perceives ours as sexless. (once a week is sexless in his mind.) But it is hard to be intimate with a BPD.  The constant anger, rage, depression beats a person down and we become so depressed we are not romantic either.

Validating is difficult with us also, because he has been seeing a psychiatrist for so many years that he knows, and has read, everything about his diagnosis and will call you out on it.

So if there is anything out there someone could help with I would appreciate it also.