Who am I and how did I become her?

[pecia]

I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday. I had lunch with a couple of coworkers and just chatted about my possible divorce. They kept saying how great I am and how men would be falling all over a woman like me. I sat there wondering why I have such trouble believing this. I have such a fear of never being loved by someone else that I am stuck. I do love my husband but I realize he is treating me poorly. I contemplated the origin if this. I guess it stems from my childhood. My dad was a drug dealer and my mom was an alcoholic and now is into meth. I took care of her my whole life until I married my husband at age 17. I raised my little brother and tried to keep the peace in an extremely violent and abusive environment. I was emotionally, verbally, an physically abused. Nothing I ever did was good enough then- so I have spent my whole life trying to be good enough to love. I went straight from highschool to college and became a registered nurse at age 21. In May- at age 35 I will graduate with my master's degree as a nurse practitioner. I sew, cut hair, do tattoos, do acrylic paintings, garden, do carpentry, give a great massage, am a halfway decent singer, and am a great cook. I am an avid organizer and planner. I am a homebody that loves to take care of others. I have a 3.9 GPA, and according to my friends I am hilarious, sweet, thoughtful, sexually adventurous (but only been with my husband plus the guy i lost my virginity to) and beautiful on the outside too. Yet, in my BPD husbands presence- I feel like none of those things. As I detach from him slowly- I am finally getting just a little self-esteem but boy it is hard. Up until recently - I could not tell you what I want out if life- only what "our plans" were. I believe I latched into him to get the approval I never got from my family. Just so happens the person I chose wasn't capable of providing that. Which has really sucked. Now- 18 yrs into this- I am struggling to figure out who I am and what I want. My husband once said that my friends obviously know someone different than he does because he doesn't agree with their view of me. I think perhaps it is because they see the real me. Now that's food for thought.  - pecia

[Surnia]

Hi pecia

This is not a bit, this was a great epiphany yesterday!    

I can relate with many of your thoughts, about not being good enough, about the fear not being loved, letting go the idea that I have to do something for someone else to be loved... .

Yes, this is quite some food for thoughts. There is one pecia who had to find ways to survive in a very difficult childhood and there is another pecia who is really a great talented woman.

One start could be just to observe in your daily life: Which pecia am I now? The surviver? The talented woman?

A good read for you could be also: The Gifts of Imperfection from Brene Brown, more here

[an0ught]

Hi pecia,

My husband once said that my friends obviously know someone different than he does because he doesn't agree with their view of me. I think perhaps it is because they see the real me. Now that's food for thought.  - pecia

BPD-BPD relationships are generally unstable except NPD-BPD relationship which are somewhat stable as both sides get what they "need".

You are excellent in scoring on external benchmarks. Reliably excellent. You take pride in it and who would not.

You are reliably attackable in your self esteem at the very same points. Makes playing you for him easy.

External feedback is important - it needs to be balanced by an innate sense of our own worth. Some of us are not getting much of it to start out and are loosing most of it in an abusive relationship.

Now- 18 yrs into this- I am struggling to figure out who I am and what I want.

It is not fair but we start late and with a handicap.

I am finally getting just a little self-esteem but boy it is hard.

I suspect there are no shortcuts  

[pecia]

Interesting turn of events. I had originally typed this post on my cellphone under a note so I could copy and past it into the message board. My husband spent the night at my house the other night and slept on the couch. He woke up and decided to rummage through my phone. He came on to bed but when we woke up he immediately got dressed and said he was leaving and never wanted to see me again. He said he was snooping and found my "little epiphany". Oops. I got him to text me a little and derived from that he is upset because I said I was "stuck with him" and I said that he treats me poorly. He also read into it that I feel I am perfect, that I feel he doesn't know me at all, and that I just latched onto him for approval that I never got from my family. After much back and forth, I validated him enough that he came back over here. At least it gave me an opportunity to define for him what treating me poorly entails - i.e. multiple affairs and emotional abuse out the wazoo. I also redefined my boundaries for him (no cheating and no name calling). Over all, I feel like the skills I have learned off this site have enabled me to avoid disaster. So far now, 5 days without a hissy fit.

[Jbt857]

Hi Pecia,

What's the latest with this? How are things?

[pecia]

Hello. still no fighting. He actually spent New Year's Eve with me and we celebrated peacefully. I hope this is a sign of what is to come in the new year. So far, he has stayed with me on all of his days off from work. Even spends the night here. This calm spell has been a blessing. I am using this time to figure out what I want. I have pretty much decided once I graduate in May that I will still build my dream house. Only change would be that I don't want his name on it. I will do it myself. That way if things don't work out between us- he can leave my house without any rights to it. I want things to last forever but I won't bet my financial future on it. I will never again let myself rely on him for security. It is what it is. I guess I wil see what happens in March when his apartment lease is up. Thanks for listening and happy new year! -pecia