Should I let his cruelty go?

[momtara]

So our divorce is recent, and xH showed up so we could deal with some paperwork at the bank.  I set boundaries when he tried to get a little physical and said we shouldn't be doing that right now.  He also was supposed to take the baby to grandma's house with him for teh weekend.  After we finished the paperwork, I turned around and he had walked out of the building.  I called and texted, nothing.  I walked toward my house with our baby, and he was waiting in his car.  Then when he saw us, he just took off with no explanation, and drove away.   I had to change all my plans because now I had our daughter for the weekend instead of him bringing her to his mother's.

But what really bothers me was that he just waited for us to appear, then took off to spite me, I guess.  Waited and drove away right in front of me.  I even called after him.  Our daughter was looking forward to going to grandma's too.  We had just been talking about it.  I don't think she realized he drove off in front of us, but it's not very nice.  If she was older it would have been really hurtful.  It's still hurtful because she wanted to go.

He sent me a text later saying he had waited for us and didn't see us (huh?  he ignored calls and texts and knew he was supposed to take her for the weekend.)  

Really, I think he was upset and probably had to leave because he couldn't deal with the upset.  But it bothers me that he actually waited until his child (who he usually makes a big deal about being loving toward) and I were there to take off.  It's spiteful and cruel to two people he claims to still care about.  And it makes me worry what else he might do when he's being so unfeeling.

I have been angry for a day, and usually I let stuff go so as to not anger him further.  It just feels really cruel to me.  My stomach has been upset, I have been so angry.  I didn't know if he was coming back, or what.  I just had to stand there and watch him go with no explanation.  If I bring this up, I'll have to wait a bit for him to calm down.  But I am so tired of holding all this inside and not saying anything.  

If I respond or react, does that give him his wish?  If so, what diff does it make anyway?  By not responding, am I just showing I'll let anything go and sit there and take it?    I really think I should say something.  He is in counseling and supposed to be working on his response to anger.

[momtara]

To clarify, this weekend was his parenting time, so he was supposed to take her.

[Matt]

Make sure to document what happened.  If you have a lawyer, write her an e-mail - you can say "No response needed, just sending this to you for documentation."  Or write it all down, and sign and date it, and have someone witness it (and sign and date) so you have a record.

If you can show the court that he isn't taking the child when he is supposed to, then at some point - after that pattern is clearly established - you can probably get his parenting time reduced, or establish supervised visitation.

But nothing will make him want to parent well.  Therapy may help - time will tell.  In the meantime, you'll need to provide for all your daughter's needs, and do your best to help her through this.  If you validate her perceptions and feelings, she may do OK with it.

[momtara]

Thanks.  Usually he does take the parenting time, so this is rare.  She is also under 2 so she doesn't really know what he did.  Today he is acting all nice.  I'm glad I didn't say anything, because I hate when he's angry.  I just wonder if by not saying anything, I let him think he can keep doing this crap.  Oh well.

[livednlearned]

This sounds like a boundary issue (plus the issue Matt raises, about blowing off parenting time, which is good to document).

I set boundaries when he tried to get a little physical and said we shouldn't be doing that right now.

You did great, setting an appropriate, reasonable, and clear boundary. You are divorced, not living together, not married, so getting physical would be confusing, and it would make other boundaries very hard to enforce.

He is reacting to the boundary with very low level emotional maturity. In my experience, this kind of boundary testing (or busting) is more likely to happen when new boundaries are being set. Or when they are in question. Over time, things settle down, but often it can take a period of no contact or parallel parenting until you can revisit and re-assess. And getting super clear about boundaries so he isn't constantly testing them to see if this one is real, this one isn't, this one not at all, etc.

At this stage of the game, it's really about actions. My guess is that he doesn't observe what you say, just what you do. So talking and explaining how angry you felt would likely fuel things, and maybe suck you into a circular argument for the purpose of negative intimacy.

Are other boundaries really clear with him? It can be hard to get behind boundaries when your heart is still half in, half out. He probably senses that. If so, this kind of behavior is probably going to continue, unfortunately. The only way to minimize it is to be clear with your boundaries, and consistent. Like a parent.

[Cmjo]

Hello Momtara and Happy New Year. I wanted to post almost an identical question about cruelty.

I went to the UK for 12 days to see my family for Xmas. I know uBPDex was very hurt that he wasnt coming, send loads of presents for my brother and a letter for my Dad though he has never written to me since I left 1 year and 3 months ago.

When we got baack at 1.30am as our flight was delayed I took the kids to his house, I didnt go in as thought it may be better to go home, then I would go to say hello the next day.

I felt I should go and say  hello and wish him and the kids a Happy New Year, as they were planning to go to a neighbours party. He would have been angry if I didnt go. But he was in a bad mood when I arrived, S10 ran out to give me a cuddle, and seemed worried about keeping me away from the house. I walked in the door and as soon as I tensed the atmosphere just said I would go and to have a nice party. Phoned his mobile to speak to the kids t midnight but he didnt answer.

The next day saw them in the car, we both stopped but he wouldnt look at me his face was just one enormous rage. They were going to the circus and I had turned down his invitation to go, in fact in recent months I have always turned down invitations, aswhen we are together as a family he has no problem with berating me in front of the kids, or breaking down in tears, or trying to massage my shoulders and ask me to go back!

The kids go back to school on the 7th, I dont know when I am going to see them. I cant communicate with him. It is blatant torture of me and them, but like you I am helpless. Sometimes I start drafting JADING emails but dont send them, as usually all I get back is abuse.

[momtara]

It's a tough position to be in, isn't it?  It's like we sit there with our tail between our legs. 

Now I am feeling guilty as, in setting boundaries, I feel like I said something unfair to him.  I said to him, ":)o you have a problem spending this much time with me" as if he can't handle being next to me for so long.  In thinking about it, I think it was mean.  Part of me wants to apologize.  But then the boundary will become unset, and i have heeded advice about not apologizing to a pwBPD (unless really necessary).  I kind of feel bad about it, though.  Then again, what he did wasn't very nice in return!  I just wasn't expecting to have a convo about boundaries just then.

It might be best to just tell him to go live his life - but I want to keep us coparenting happily.

[Matt]

It might be best to just tell him to go live his life - but I want to keep us coparenting happily.

I don't know if it's really possible to "co-parent" with someone who has BPD and isn't getting treatment.

I've had the most success by not thinking in terms of "co-parenting", but just "parenting".  By that, I mean considering what each kid needs, at each moment, and doing my best to provide it.

Sometimes that includes coaching the child about how to deal with their mom.  Sometimes it includes responding to what she says and does, including offers to help with the kids.  When she offers to do something positive, I almost always take her up on it, and that's great.

But I've learned not to expect anything specific from her, until she offers.

We're in the middle of a good example right now.  She asked to have them for part of Christmas, and she wrote me that she would be fixing a big dinner, so I said fine, and I just fed them breakfast, and they spent much of the day at her place, and came home stuffed - great.

Since then, she hasn't asked to see them again, even though we live just a few miles apart and they've had this whole time off school.  No problem - I'm glad to have them and I think it's best for them to spend most of their time here.

But I don't see it as "co-parenting", when the other parent just participates when she's in the mood.  It's "parenting" - you do whatever is needed, and don't have any expectations of the other parent.