The Final Sighting

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I caught a glimpse of my exBPDgf in her car a few days ago.

The ending wasn't pleasant - I told her to GTFO and she replied with an email that she never wanted to see me ever.

It has been over a year of NC (she moved) but just the sighting really affected me - a lot of mixed emotions.

I fell back in ruminating on the good and the bad, her infacuation/love bombing, gaslighting and eventual devalueing. Looking at my own dysfunction: rescueing, denial of my powerlessness over her mental illness, playing the victim.

Then the sadness of it all. I had felt she was the One. She was intellegent and good looking but ultimately she didn't have what I needed. She was incapable of sustaining a love relationship or even job/finacial stability (ie interdependance)

In the year of NC I have done a lot of work on myself and at the end of the day I am even grateful for the r/s itself. Both have made me more human.

But now I am feeling the finality (finally). She was in town and did not contact me. I feared she might, knew it would not be good if she did ... . but a little part of me hoped she would - that part thought maybe she had got therapy, maybe we could both be adults, maybe this, maybe that. Maybe she still loved me.

Who knows! I know in my head that it is best she did not contact me. I know she is sticking to her final words.

At the stroke of new years I burnt a picture of her. Time now for grieving ... . at last.

[nolisan]

I caught a glimpse of my exBPDgf in her car a few days ago.

The ending wasn't pleasant - I told her to GTFO and she replied with an email that she never wanted to see me ever.

It has been over a year of NC (she moved) but just the sighting really affected me - a lot of mixed emotions.

I fell back in ruminating on the good and the bad, her infacuation/love bombing, gaslighting and eventual devalueing. Looking at my own dysfunction: rescueing, denial of my powerlessness over her mental illness, playing the victim.

Then the sadness of it all. I had felt she was the One. She was intellegent and good looking but ultimately she didn't have what I needed. She was incapable of sustaining a love relationship or even job/finacial stability (ie interdependance)

In the year of NC I have done a lot of work on myself and at the end of the day I am even grateful for the r/s itself. Both have made me more human.

But now I am feeling the finality (finally). She was in town and did not contact me. I feared she might, knew it would not be good if she did ... . but a little part of me hoped she would - that part thought maybe she had got therapy, maybe we could both be adults, maybe this, maybe that. Maybe she still loved me.

Who knows! I know in my head that it is best she did not contact me. I know she is sticking to her final words.

At the stroke of new years I burnt a picture of her. Time now for grieving ... . at last.

[heartandwhole]

Nolisan,

The end of hope is sad... . and also freeing.  A rainbow is waiting for you after the tears. 

[arn131arn]

NOlisan,

I feel for you.  I am 15 days out.  I have been replaced.  I am stronger today then I was before.  I know there will be contact at some point because we have a son(8).  I fear/hope for a recycle.  Is that crazy or what.  I hope to put my hand back in that fire?  She has my son right now and complete control over when I see him.  Can you believe the last 2 weeks I cried because I lost her?  Not my son?  I mean, it really is crazy the more I think about it.

Can I ask why you are just starting to grieve after a year?  Was it denial or just the longing of her, or is it now you are finally accepting it?

Thanks,

Arn

[nolisan]

Hey Arn

Yep ... . I know that word crazy too.

You posed a good question. I feel I have done some grieving but there was always some lingering hope (with fear! that's so f'ed up!) that she might reappear.

Maybe an anology would be having a loved one in a coma and they finally pulled the plug. I feel there is a finality now.

I know it must have blown her mind when I told her to get out. She bragged narcistically about how her ex-lovers "had a hard time letting her go". I knew in my gut I had to "throw her out" - cut the chord. I took back my power at the end. But my heart still hurt.

Not sure if that makes sense - little does in these relationships.

[arn131arn]

Hey Arn

Yep ... . I know that word crazy too.

You posed a good question. I feel I have done some grieving but there was always some lingering hope (with fear! that's so f'ed up!) that she might reappear.

Maybe an anology would be having a loved one in a coma and they finally pulled the plug. I feel there is a finality now.

I know it must have blown her mind when I told her to get out. She bragged narcistically about how her ex-lovers "had a hard time letting her go". I knew in my gut I had to "throw her out" - cut the chord. I took back my power at the end. But my heart still hurt.

Not sure if that makes sense - little does in these relationships.

No it does make sense Nolisn.  My ex moved out in August, but kept the dogs and ALL of her belongings at my house.  The day she came over and realized all the locks were changed she told my son, ":)addy, doesn't want us here anymore.  It's just me and you in theis world (typical Waif statement, huh?)

I know this triggered her abandonment issues, but she was holding me by a string with her total control of how we were to exactly recycle... . I finally said hit it!

[Perfidy]

Hey Arn

Yep ... . I know that word crazy too.

You posed a good question. I feel I have done some grieving but there was always some lingering hope (with fear! that's so f'ed up!) that she might reappear.

Maybe an anology would be having a loved one in a coma and they finally pulled the plug. I feel there is a finality now.

I know it must have blown her mind when I told her to get out. She bragged narcistically about how her ex-lovers "had a hard time letting her go". I knew in my gut I had to "throw her out" - cut the chord. I took back my power at the end. But my heart still hurt.

Not sure if that makes sense - little does in these relationships.

How many times did she have to hear this?