triggers, fear, and loneliness

[Signs]

Hi

I realize I have got to move on, yet I have the powerful hesitation clause, like I have an obsessive desire for communicating with my exBPDgf. She's taken me to heaven and hell. About her character: She was always secretive and I failed to connect dots as to what it meant. I now believe it is a old strategy she learned to avoid harsh criticizing from her overbearing giant thug, her BPD mother. Now I don't get to ask her questions to learn more, due to her avoiding me coupled with the inane notion I'd get anywhere by asking her family or past acquaintances. If i take that action, I'd most surely would be viewed as stalking and ignored, then told to ask her yourself, or snubbed… and she  would be told I'm poking around. This would lead to her vindictive smear campaign strengthening alliance against me.

If/ or when they speak with her, they'll trigger her anger and complicate any trust i require.  I figure her "lack of trust in me IS projection", a blind spot, an amnesia in used for her self worth. Do I make sense? Am I obscure?

Before I knew much about BPD, she'd rage in fury, damage property and berate me mercilessness, and injure me physically. I'd stay calm and alert to what was happening, I'd look her in the eyes and tell her, " YOU  aren't angry at me, it is something else in your past." I was correct, she understood it, but she was helpless to control her projection. Her fury not quelled. I'm at such a loss. She is too. Lose lose. no Win win. The dichotomy of loving through fiery, hate like, mechanisms is inexplicable and no one grasps the wounds I endured. I am isolated now, i feel unable to be productive.

[Ironmanrises]

She did not give you closure. Another hallmark in the aftermath of dealing with a pwBPD. You are in the right place. Here with us. A secluded group of survivors of the hell on earth that we all endured, much like you have. Perhaps, scarily enough, even exactly like you have. Hang in there.

[LoveNotWar]

How long have the two of you been separated?

My exBPDh was physically abusive and was eventually arrested. At his sentencing I had the opportunity to read an impact statement and I told the judge a r/s with an abuser is like an addiction. It's not good for you but you can't give it up.

I'm 16 months out now. During the first 9 months it took all the willpower I had and the support of my friends to put him behind me but now I would would NEVER consider going back to him.

Hang in there, be strong, and do what's best for you even if it's not easy.

LNW

[goldylamont]

Signs, so glad you found us. The story you tell is like all of ours to a "t". How long did your relationship last? How long ago did you breakup and are you still in contact with this person? How many times did you break up and/or 'recycle' including this last break? This will help us get an idea of where you are at in the r/s. Stay steady

[TakingWingAtLast]

Hi

I realize I have got to move on, yet I have the powerful hesitation clause, like I have an obsessive desire for communicating with my exBPDgf. She's taken me to heaven and hell. About her character: She was always secretive and I failed to connect dots as to what it meant. I now believe it is a old strategy she learned to avoid harsh criticizing from her overbearing giant thug, her BPD mother. Now I don't get to ask her questions to learn more, due to her avoiding me coupled with the inane notion I'd get anywhere by asking her family or past acquaintances. If i take that action, I'd most surely would be viewed as stalking and ignored, then told to ask her yourself, or snubbed… and she  would be told I'm poking around. This would lead to her vindictive smear campaign strengthening alliance against me.

If/ or when they speak with her, they'll trigger her anger and complicate any trust i require.  I figure her "lack of trust in me IS projection", a blind spot, an amnesia in used for her self worth. Do I make sense? Am I obscure?

Before I knew much about BPD, she'd rage in fury, damage property and berate me mercilessness, and injure me physically. I'd stay calm and alert to what was happening, I'd look her in the eyes and tell her, " YOU  aren't angry at me, it is something else in your past." I was correct, she understood it, but she was helpless to control her projection. Her fury not quelled. I'm at such a loss. She is too. Lose lose. no Win win. The dichotomy of loving through fiery, hate like, mechanisms is inexplicable and no one grasps the wounds I endured. I am isolated now, i feel unable to be productive.

Signs,

You are indeed in the middle of hell.  And it's going to be like that for awhile.  You are going to hate, love, be angry, be depressed, bargain, deny, and worst of all, be reengaged by your pwBPDgf ex.  That's the way of the relationship.  

Isolation is part of the deal too.  BUT, you do have us!   And we are truly there as you go through this craziness that will consume you for weeks and possibly months.  Rely on us to respond to your posts.  Continue to write what you are feeling and someone will absolutely grasp the wounds that you feel.  

I am only 8 weeks from the breakup of my 8 year relationship.  I'm certainly better than when I first started the breakup.  I have chosen limited contact ONLY for things that must be taken care of like money, or trying to get my passport!    Yet, I still think about the ex and "what might have been."  I feel the loss of the relationship when she sends me pictures of her daughter in a musical that I can't attend now because of the breakup.  This D13 I've known for 8 years of her life!  

Yes, it's lose, lose!  

But you will get through this!  You can limit contact or have no contact!  She is going to try and reengage you.  This will "pull" you to try and reconnect.  :)oing so will likely be a mistake as the relationship you thought you had with the exBPDgf is not based on real feelings of intimacy or even reality.  What you thought was the relationship is likely incorrect.  And that's essentially what you will be angry about.  Angry at yourself for not getting out sooner.  Angry at her for the betrayal of the relationship itself.  She is likely already moved on to someone new.  Another reason to be angry as well.  And confused.  And sad.   Part of the BPD deal!

You nailed it when you said it was something else in the past.  You are so correct!   But YOU are also not going to be able to fix that.  Only she can do that and you can't help her do it.

That means you only have one good choice to make!  Be free of the pain!  :)o the things in life that you want to do and what makes you a great person!  Engage in the activities that get you there.  Soon enough, though you will get the communication(s) at some point to try and reengage you, you'll be free and then ready for a healthy relationship!   Please don't jump into a new relationship yourself.   You HAVE to heal first.   Your exBPDgf won't get that memo!  But you now have it!  

So, to sum: You are going to be OK.  You have to get through a lot of emotional crap that is unfair.  And you need to limit contact with exBPDGF to whatever extend that you can!

Yours,

D

[Learning_curve74]

Hi Signs, I understand the want to understand her and for her to understand you. One of the most crucial things in life is that feeling of being understood and having connection to people.

Have you ever read the description of "lonely child meets abandoned child" schema interaction? Check out this link if you haven't: lonely child meets abandoned child. Do you feel like any of that describes you and her?

What would understanding more mean to you? Would it help you fix her? Would it help you fix yourself? These can be difficult questions to ponder but well worth it.

[State85]

Signs

You're not alone. I too was abused. Verbally, emotionally, and physically. I've had property in my house damaged. Items of great sentimental value destroyed. And I rarely got an apology. When I did, it was not sincere. These things haunt me, yet I'm told they are in the past and shouldn't be brought up again. Yes, she told me that. I've been berated for hrs at a time for something so trivial as being 15 mins late to her house. I took it all... . what could I do, fight back. Not likely, I would have ended up in jail. And yet, I still have feelings for her.

I walked away from the r/s. She still texts me and says we can be friends! I don't think so. I know it hurts. She will try to re-engage you, mine did and is now... . even while she is with someone else. It's twisted to say the least. NC is a good thing. It's gives you the control.

Stay on this board, it does help.