How do I stop this down spiral?

[eternalbloom]

Things have gone from bad to worse. I feel like I've participated in this down spiral and dont know how to stop it. My uBPDexbf has been out the house for 10 days now. Two days later I fibd out im pregnant... .Refusing to get a place he decided to spend money on Christmas gifts for the kids. I accept this after all he hasn't provided any child support. Mind you he just goes and buys the gifts without consulting me... .a hard thing to do well when you are buying for two teenagers. None the less I accept the gifts and he asks me if they require any thing else. He spends and additional $120 and I'm thinking ok I hope I dont regret this. On Xmas eve we get into an argument triggered by his Woe's me routine and out of anger I reveal the pregnancy and suggest that might have BPD. I knew it was wrong when I said it but it felt good to fire back after hearing these long monoluges about how horrible I am. Christmas day he acts like nothing happened really hes for my belly acts attentive and caring. Than he presents me with an engagement ring in front of my kids... .why he would include them in this pisses me off. He leads with guilt in everything and its a great motivator for me. My mom has used guilt to do all sorts of things Ive never wanted to do... .even self sabotage and he has been trying to use this against me full force lately. Today he calls me and asks if we can go as a family to see a movie he and I have a small part in... .I told him I was interested and the kids wouldn't want to see it. He then breaks into the monologue its so unfair hes homeless have to see he movie alone hes spent 1k on Christmas and I'm a user because I excepted the gifts. I am wrong for accepting gifts that I didn't ask for or even a part of thebshoping experience. He then gives me an ultimatum about the engagement and I say "no". He then goes into a rage about how selfish mean hurtful horrible I am how hes been talking to my apartment manager and nosey neighbor who hate him about my behavior while living here how they all think I have bipolar disorder and that they don't think hes the ctazy one. Ive always known him to be disloyal and child like Ive seen him paint me black to people just to get sympathy but this made me want to knock on both my neighbors doors to confront them. Of course I won't these two old gals sit in the courtyard smoking all day soaking up what gossip they can and he gives them a good show so going back to them would make their day... .The anger I feel about him talking about me when he destroys me my self worth daily and making me out to be crazy one makes me want to do something criminal.

I hate my life right now and the sound of that doesn't even bother me. It feels like fact. I know I shouldn't have called him BPD but it seems hes been working on his own smear campaign against me.

We have one child together and I dont know how to approach this parenting thing because every chance he has to talk to me he starts something with me. Each time I answer a call or text he brings up how I made him homeless... .blah blah blah.

PS... .Ive decided to terminate the pregnancy. With no job, a repo'd car ( he let my car get behind and bought new one that same month) and three kids I can't see how I can manage all of this. I see so many of friends that are egaged, new babies all this stuff and I am fighting the urge to just let him have his way so I can experience  these things... .but I know that my version of marriage and family will be vastly different than these people I am envious of. The things I want right now I want with someone healthy... .not someone I have to police or protect myself from.

[Surnia]

Hi eternalbloom

I feel for you. So much is going on in your life.   

I would really recommend you reaching out to a professional. A therapist, a woman's help desk.

[eternalbloom]

Hi Surnia! To say I agree would be an understatement. I was looking for sliding scale therapy for him... .so ridiculous right! I need to find someone for myself. Sigh.

[LilMissSunshine]

Oh, Eternalbloom, my    goes out to you.  I'm too new here to offer you any real help.  I wish I could give you a great big hug.   Surnia is correct.  Reach out to a professional - just for you.  In the meantime, let yourself process all that's happened before acting out on anything. Hugs, hugs, hugs.

[eternalbloom]

My mind says were done. I dont have warm and fuzzy feelings towards him. Im mad at him. Ive been verbally abusive towards him recently to push him away and hes used this as fuel. Dont know how to get rid of this guy.

There was a glimmer of hope that he'd take the back handed BPD advisement and say let's work on it. I'll go to therapy anything for you ... .blah blah. He said something to that effect without being prompted and we went to a couples therapist a few weeks back but once ai was there I realized that nothing would come of it because he wasnt being honest with the therapist. When I told the therapist about some early on issues his blood booked and he denied everything.

I pretty much knew he wasn't ready and had brought me there to change me. If only I were more supportive and loving he told herbwed be alright.

I want the American dream its right here in front of me and there's a part of me, an evil part that says Juno in get what can and bounce when hes not looking after the dust has settled... .but that sort of manipulation bites me in the hind quarters each time. Plus I'd be sacrificing another year of my children's and my own peace.

I wish I could make a firm decision... .hell I wish I coukd see ibto the future. When I talk to family they are from the "we are strong women we dont need a man" tribe... .No tears, just get it done. Culturally the women in my family are just used to doing whatever with or without men preferably without and my relationships or a desire to be in a relationship is a weakness for them so I dont want to take their advice because its flawed in a sense.

I hope I didn't offend by over sharing my condition. Ive had no one to share this news with but him.

I am typically a closed person, I do not discuss my personal problems with others... .can't stand the shame ( from family w/ there I told you so's) and I dont want to let others down. So I keep on a good front but I am very sensitive to criticism... got a lot of that growing up. I havent told anyone of my current dilemma... .I am hoping anonymity here allows me to let go of some of these things I am harboring... .

I am conflicted about using this board... .I dont want to be the complainer or casting an image as an a damsal in distress... .and the thought of of being a helpless woman in peril goes against my self image.  

[eternalbloom]

Thank you Lilmisssunshine... .this sounds like a great idea. Feels like a perfect start to a solution. Why I didn't think of this I dont know but yes yes yes!

My apologies for the typos, grammatical errors and nonsensical words... .I am using my cell phone for these posts.

[lightswitch]

Hi, eternalbloom,

  I wanted to offer support and encouragement. Sounds like a really really tough patch, and it's awesome that you reached out for support. Just dealing with the BPD is enough to thoroughly push us to our limit. Throw kids in the mix and a new pregnancy and it must surely feel overwhelming.

  Surnia is spot on ; recommending help for YOU right now is really important. The healing bit about these boards is that when we say we understand, we really do. No bs.

  There is nothing to be done about him, other than keeping yourself and the kids physically and emotionally safe. So glad you posted. This is a safe place to vent, and hopefully you can find a safe place for therapy etc as well.

  I went to officially change my legal name back today after my divorce from my exBPDh. It's been several weeks since I truly was so depressed that I just wanted to die. After the new year I'll be able to start doing some emdr therapy with an organization that gives support to women who have been in abusive relationships. I have six children... .(not his, that's another story!)  My point? we really understand! Hugs!

[TakingWingAtLast]

Eternal Bloom,

Surnia suggested a good therapist.  I couldn't agree more.

I might add a good lawyer while you are at it.   I think you may need that kind of support.   I hope you have trustworthy family and friends around as well that can be a strong support as well.  Be selfish here and ask for support from all of them.

And blog here.  We'll help as best as we can too!

I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles.   I hope you can find you way as quickly as possible!

Yours,

D

[eternalbloom]

Hi, eternalbloom,

  I wanted to offer support and encouragement. Sounds like a really really tough patch, and it's awesome that you reached out for support. Just dealing with the BPD is enough to thoroughly push us to our limit. Throw kids in the mix and a new pregnancy and it must surely feel overwhelming.

  Surnia is spot on ; recommending help for YOU right now is really important. The healing bit about these boards is that when we say we understand, we really do. No bs.

  There is nothing to be done about him, other than keeping yourself and the kids physically and emotionally safe. So glad you posted. This is a safe place to vent, and hopefully you can find a safe place for therapy etc as well.

  I went to officially change my legal name back today after my divorce from my exBPDh. It's been several weeks since I truly was so depressed that I just wanted to die. After the new year I'll be able to start doing some emdr therapy with an organization that gives support to women who have been in abusive relationships. I have six children... . (not his, that's another story!)  My point? we really understand! Hugs!

Thank you for taking the time to write and for sharing your story. I went home for the holidays and in a short time I feel more level headed, but the mental fog, and some depression remains. I made an appointment with a therapist upon my return home, I am looking forward to getting things sorted out. Happy New Year.

[Surnia]

Hi eternalbloom

I wish you all the best for the New Year too. 

for the T appointment.