Wow my replacement

[Lol4fun]

So found out who my replacement is and boy did he move fast. Funny part is they live almost 3 hours apart. Guess that makes sense it  will be a good long while until she discovers who he really is because you can hide all that if you don't really get to see them at all during the week and only on the weekends. I feel sad for her but also hurt. Guess he got what he was looking for as he wanted the next person he dates to be able to take it slow ect. Yeah that's why in under a week they are already FB friends. Man I'm hurt and stupidly have reached out to him during the past week to only be ignored. Did I really mean nothing? So confused and hurt.

[btbh]

Currently in a similar position with you Lol4fun, my BPDexgf of 2 and half years is doing this right now with a boy 4 years younger than her (shes 25) and just met him 2 weeks ago. He hasnt even started university ! They hooked up the first night they met and now is totally in her idealization phase. I feel sorry for the fella. No clue what is gonna hit him.

Some wise words from love4meNOTu in another thread. Go NC on them is the best. Not the easiest thing but just take a day at a time and everytime i feel like breaking I find words of strength on this forum which keeps me from breaking NC. Hope things get better and stay strong!

Because the replacement is just that. A replacement. pwBPD cannot cope without someone validating them in "some" way. Without that validation, they are lost in the wilderness of pain. The replacement can do that for now, because they do not know the pwBPD yet.

Because I know now that I was not special to my pwBPD. He merely needed me. There is a distinct difference between love and need, and pwBPD need us for survival from aforementioned "wilderness of pain".

Because they are the same person in this new "relationship" that they were with us. They are essentially mirroring the new person for now, and soon the mirror will turn. An abuser does not stop abusing the new partner. That is how they function, and have functioned for years. It's new to us, it's not new to them.

Again, this disorder was there long before us and will be there long after. Unless the pwBPD dies or gets help.

Feel some sorrow for the new victim, they have no idea what they are walking into, and will someday feel the intense pain that we feel.

We are just one in a long string of people to be hurt by a pwBPD. The choice you have here is to continue to be a victim, or to pull yourself out of it and make a new life, with a person who can REALLY love you back, with mutual respect and love.

Oh, and do yourself a favor, don't find out anything regarding your expwBPD. It just brings more pain. Truly let him or her go. Radio silence from here to eternity.

[Learning_curve74]

Hey Lol4fun, I'm so sorry you've found out about the replacement. It hurts when somebody you cared about moves on so quickly. If you read many of the posts here, everybody wonders if they really mattered.

I know it's not really any consolation, but he did choose to be close and to share with you while you were together. It's not your fault that he is mentally ill and unable to sustain a stable conventional relationship.

I think everybody here had an important connection to their pwBPD, and they had a connection to us. Most of us also chose to ignore or excuse red flags during the relationship. If you meet somebody like him again, what do you think you would do differently?

[fromheeltoheal]

Sorry Lol, I've been exactly where you are and it is very painful; you're in the right place.

A couple of things:

You were the most important person in the universe to him for a while, during the idealization stage when in his mind you were perfect and the answer to his lifelong pain.  This new gal may fill that role now, may not, but the point is it isn't about either of you, it's about him, all about him.  Relationships with someone with the disorder go through stages, you had your turn at awesome, which then eroded to the hell that caused you to break up, if your relationship was anything like mine.  There is absolutely nothing you could have done any differently; you can't fix a serious mental illness.

You did matter a great deal to him, you know this because you got close enough to trigger the disorder; very few people see that side of a borderline, only the intimately close ones.

If yours was anything like mine, you were subjected to emotional abuse, belittling, condescension, disrespect, which will trash your self esteem and self confidence over time if you let it matter, which we do when we're trying to make a relationship work.  After that trauma and now the breakup, it's very easy to ask yourself if you're good enough or did you matter.  Don't go there.  Forget his voice and listen to your inner truth; who you really are will resurface with time, and what you need right now are empathy, compassion and validation from people who care about you and love you, and don't have a personality disorder.  Take care of you and stay here!

[Lol4fun]

I would turn and walk away and not even get involved. He is the one doing NC with me figure I'll probably hear something from him when this relationship fails. I now realize why he came back and said we would in the end never work out its because in a span of a couple of days he found a replacement & put all his attention on this new woman & thinking she will be his everything and that life will be perfect. Sure it can be when you only see them on the weekend. Wonder how long it will be for this lawyer to see through his stuff. Then again she has to be as damaged as me or desperate to just have a relationship to have jumped in with both feet so quickly like me. It saddens me.

[schwing]

Hi Lol4fun and  

So found out who my replacement is and boy did he move fast. Funny part is they live almost 3 hours apart. Guess that makes sense it  will be a good long while until she discovers who he really is because you can hide all that if you don't really get to see them at all during the week and only on the weekends. I feel sad for her but also hurt. Guess he got what he was looking for as he wanted the next person he dates to be able to take it slow ect.

Well that's not exactly what he is looking for.  He is looking for someone who will not set off his disordered emotions.  But instead of realizing that the problem resides in him, he chooses to believe his problem is that he keeps picking the wrong person.  Sure, this time he'll take it slower, but it will slowly get to the same position where he will need to find someone else.

Yeah that's why in under a week they are already FB friends. Man I'm hurt and stupidly have reached out to him during the past week to only be ignored. Did I really mean nothing? So confused and hurt.

I know it hurts to feel so disposable when previously you were so (supposedly) important to him.  The truth is you were important to him but because of this disorder, he attaches to others differently from say someone who is not disordered.  Non-disordered people do not attach to people in a binary fashion (on or off); for those non-disordered there is more of a progression from attachment to detachment.  This is why we go through a grieving process whereas they do not seem to do so.

He is the one doing NC with me figure I'll probably hear something from him when this relationship fails. I now realize why he came back and said we would in the end never work out its because in a span of a couple of days he found a replacement & put all his attention on this new woman & thinking she will be his everything and that life will be perfect.

You just might hear from him not when his relationship "fails" but when he starts to devalue your replacement.  At which point, he might just start idealizing you again.  Or else he will find someone completely different.  Idealization and devaluation = all white vs. all black = black and white thinking = mental disorder.

Sure it can be when you only see them on the weekend. Wonder how long it will be for this lawyer to see through his stuff. Then again she has to be as damaged as me or desperate to just have a relationship to have jumped in with both feet so quickly like me. It saddens me.

You don't know anything about why this new person got into a relationship with him.  It may be all of the above.  And it may also be that she has not seen through any of his distorted perspective.

Best wishes, Schwing

[Lol4fun]

Thank you all for your support and responses. It does really help me. I've emailed my old T who is actually in a different state to set up a phone session as I can't get in with a T here until the 22nd and I really need the feedback from a professional and why I choose men like this. I know in a couple of months I'll be past all of this or at least I hope so. Like everyone else it is hard because I have never felt the level of connection or closeness with anyone else I have ever dated. I have however, always chosen men with addictions one was an alcoholic but I didn't realize until I was so enmeshed we were only in the same city for 2 months before the end of the r/a prior to that 4 years of LD with him in Japan. I learned a lot from that r/s the biggest is that consciously or unconsciously I say I want a healthy loving relationship where it's not just me giving and being supportive & giving emotional support validation but the other person does that for me too. We grow & become better people not bc the other wants us to but bc we are inspired by each other to & we support & encourage one another. So, I say I want that but I must deep down feel that I don't deserve that, that I am some how not worthy of that type of relationship. The reason why I'm not really sure and am hoping through working with a T I will figure that out.  The one blessing is that I'm much quicker at discovering the addictions & red flags it's no longer multiple years but rather a month to month and half.

My brain logically knows this is no good for you and then the heart and some other voice (maybe that subconscious voice) is saying no don't let them go hold on bc your not gonna find anything better and if you can't keep a guy who is messed up especially if he is the one to walk away from you not the other way around then there is absolutely no way someone healthy and loving is going to want anything to do with you. I don't want to think this way but it's hard not to.

[Learning_curve74]

I have however, always chosen men with addictions one was an alcoholic but I didn't realize until I was so enmeshed we were only in the same city for 2 months before the end of the r/a prior to that 4 years of LD with him in Japan. I learned a lot from that r/s the biggest is that consciously or unconsciously I say I want a healthy loving relationship where it's not just me giving and being supportive & giving emotional support validation but the other person does that for me too. We grow & become better people not bc the other wants us to but bc we are inspired by each other to & we support & encourage one another. So, I say I want that but I must deep down feel that I don't deserve that, that I am some how not worthy of that type of relationship.

My brain logically knows this is no good for you and then the heart and some other voice (maybe that subconscious voice) is saying no don't let them go hold on bc your not gonna find anything better and if you can't keep a guy who is messed up especially if he is the one to walk away from you not the other way around then there is absolutely no way someone healthy and loving is going to want anything to do with you. I don't want to think this way but it's hard not to.

I totally identify... . It's hard for me to face, but I definitely have the feeling that I'm not "good enough". I can talk a good game and say that I deserve a lot because intellectually I know I am a good person who is worthy of good things, but due to my personal and FOO issues, I've never really ever felt "good enough". So that's why I cling to someone that doesn't fulfill all the emotional needs that I should deserve to have fulfilled.

This was a very sobering conclusion for me to come to. It was facilitated by therapy, but my T never directly addressed this. I think I'll probably bring it up next session. Thank you for starting this thread, Lol4fun! 

[arn131arn]

,

I have had a terrible few days.  Thinking and obssessing over my ex and my replacement. 

I learned a few things dealing with the pain the past few days. 

1.) I learned that I am not crazy! I thought I was, I really did.  I know that I am not crazy because I didn't run off 3 weeks after a 14 year RS and bed someone else. I know that we can take on the traits of our BPD and my co-dependency was just as crazy as her disorder.  I need to work on owning that and figuring out why I felt so low about me to continue to go back recycle after recycle for 14 years.

2.) I learned that I am still in denial/shock stage of the grieving process.  I learned that it felt good to kiss a beautiful woman NYE, and I had a false sense of adequacy due to that.  That I was now "good" enough, attractive enough, and strong enough that the pain of my ex would not exist any longer.  But it does and it will for a while.  Not enough sex, money, alcohol, drugs, or her is going to feed the lack of self-esteem or validation in my heart- I need to do that on my own.

3.) I learned that I need to not grieve the RS that I thought I had with her.  I need to grieve what that RS never was and will never be.  I need to start loving me for me and not beat myself up for literally wasting 14 years of my life with someone who abused me.  I need to realize that the most important thing in my life is my son (8), and that he is a product of this 14 year abusive RS and I just may be his only hope for truly understading love, trust, understanding an intimacy.

4.) I learned that no matter what, I have never given up on anything in my life and I never will.  I am resilient, I get back up, and dust my jeans off and get back on that goddman bull, boots in the stirrups, and ride that sumbhit.  I haven't hunted in 14 years, fished in over 7.  It's time to take my boy out and teach him how to tie that knot or load that shotgun.  I bend but don't break, I hurt but have hope, I bleed but I heal.  I love people and the past 10 years I was never able to look them in the eye.  Time to get right with myself, my past, the universe, and maybe this universe will get right by me.

5.) You see last night I thought suicide was the only option I had.  If it wasn't for some members on this board, I wouldn't have seen the morning.  I learned that I am taking the time to heal, lick my wounds, shed some tears, put the sun in my face and look people in the eye.  She is not going to be able to do this and is bringing the luggage from her dad abandoning her when she was 5, her ex bf that left and moved across country after 5 years, and me, her rock, her cornerstone for 14 years, the man who knew her better than anyone else on this planet, her kids, her dogs, her disordered family of enablers into this new relationiship.

I want my son, dammit, and I'm coming for him.

You see a country boy can survive, mother hiter!

[arn131arn]

Oh, and Elton John, Billy Joel, Tracy Chapman, love ballads, eject, throw away. Insert Tool, Down, Sepultura, Pantera, and Ozzy. Hit shuffle. It's no longer about her, it's about me, my son, my life. I'm taking it back. All of it, and have a good life. I'm done trying to be a part of it.

[Waifed]

Hang in there Arn. I promise you things get better. Always remember that.

[fromheeltoheal]

,

I have had a terrible few days.  Thinking and obssessing over my ex and my replacement. 

I learned a few things dealing with the pain the past few days. 

1.) I learned that I am not crazy! I thought I was, I really did.  I know that I am not crazy because I didn't run off 3 weeks after a 14 year RS and bed someone else. I know that we can take on the traits of our BPD and my co-dependency was just as crazy as her disorder.  I need to work on owning that and figuring out why I felt so low about me to continue to go back recycle after recycle for 14 years.

2.) I learned that I am still in denial/shock stage of the grieving process.  I learned that it felt good to kiss a beautiful woman NYE, and I had a false sense of adequacy due to that.  That I was now "good" enough, attractive enough, and strong enough that the pain of my ex would not exist any longer.  But it does and it will for a while.  Not enough sex, money, alcohol, drugs, or her is going to feed the lack of self-esteem or validation in my heart- I need to do that on my own.

3.) I learned that I need to not grieve the RS that I thought I had with her.  I need to grieve what that RS never was and will never be.  I need to start loving me for me and not beat myself up for literally wasting 14 years of my life with someone who abused me.  I need to realize that the most important thing in my life is my son (8), and that he is a product of this 14 year abusive RS and I just may be his only hope for truly understading love, trust, understanding an intimacy.

4.) I learned that no matter what, I have never given up on anything in my life and I never will.  I am resilient, I get back up, and dust my jeans off and get back on that goddman bull, boots in the stirrups, and ride that sumbhit.  I haven't hunted in 14 years, fished in over 7.  It's time to take my boy out and teach him how to tie that knot or load that shotgun.  I bend but don't break, I hurt but have hope, I bleed but I heal.  I love people and the past 10 years I was never able to look them in the eye.  Time to get right with myself, my past, the universe, and maybe this universe will get right by me.

5.) You see last night I thought suicide was the only option I had.  If it wasn't for some members on this board, I wouldn't have seen the morning.  I learned that I am taking the time to heal, lick my wounds, shed some tears, put the sun in my face and look people in the eye.  She is not going to be able to do this and is bringing the luggage from her dad abandoning her when she was 5, her ex bf that left and moved across country after 5 years, and me, her rock, her cornerstone for 14 years, the man who knew her better than anyone else on this planet, her kids, her dogs, her disordered family of enablers into this new relationiship.

I want my son, dammit, and I'm coming for him.

You see a country boy can survive, mother hiter!

I'm seeing some growth, processing and awareness arn; good for you!  Keep it up man, it's going to be a great year!

[Ironmanrises]

Hell on earth will greet the replacement in x period of time. How will you know? When your expwBPD is contacting you. That will be the signal. Hang in there.

[arn131arn]

mmm hmmm

That's right

[Lol4fun]

I hope to be completely detached and feeling indifference to him by then that even if he contacted me I could say ... . and your point is? I'm not interested in what your selling? Have a great day!

[imstronghere2]

I want my son, dammit, and I'm coming for him.

You see a country boy can survive, mother hiter!

And a HELL YEAH on that note!  (virtual FIST BUMP)