Hi Monarch Butteryfly,
He`s got a new theory going and it mainly goes like this: it`s all my fault. Everything.
That's not a "theory." That's a delusion. It comforts him to believe that "everything" is your fail. Probably because he does not have the emotional resources to accept any culpability for his own choices and actions.
I do not want to keep trying at his marriage, since I cant seem to handle his attitude.
Why would you "keep trying" if his strategy is to blame you for everything?
I cant handle his temper tranturms.
One "handles" temper tantrums from toddlers. Not from mature life partners.
I cant seem to handle the truth that he cheated on me for 14 years but now wants to be comitted.
Maybe he wants to be committed now that it seems to him that you are no longer willing to tolerate his behavior. But based on his past actions do you think he is capable of being committed? If he is capable now, why wasn't he capable before? What has changed, if anything?
I cant trust him despite the fact that he has shown signs in 2 weeks that he can be trusted.
2 weeks is a very short period of time relative to 14 years.
I am throwing away everything good that he has ever done. He even said he cant point out something I need to do better because I cant handle criticism.
I think everything good he has ever done, he has in some part negated by everything bad he has also done. You don't get to receive *credit* for good behavior when you cannot accept responsibility for bad behavior. And is it you who cannot handle criticism, or is it himself he is talking about?
Yes, I admit I do very poorly being criticized 24-7.
Actually, if you are willing to "keep trying" in spite of being criticized 24-7, then I'd say you handle criticism pretty well.
I do not handle criticism well when nothing I ever do is right. It's not perfect enough. It's not in tip-top condition: the food, the kds, the cleaning, the way I walk, the way I write... . He proofreads everything I write and finds what he calls mistakes.
People with BPD (pwBPD) sometimes "project" feelings they cannot accept or handle. For example, he says you cannot handle criticism. This might be an example of him "projecting" his own inability to handle criticism onto you. Instead of realizing that he has a very low tolerance for criticism, he deludes himself into believe that you do.
Moreover, he is *soo* incapable of handling criticism, even self-criticism, that he "projects" all those critical thoughts onto you. So whenever he is feeling badly about something that's happened to him, or some mistake he made in some other context, he helps himself feel better by coming home and finding some kind of fault with what you do; in his deluded mind, he's not the one who's making too many mistakes, *you are*. This is perhaps why he has so much venom to inject into you; if you were not around to accept it, he would have to swallow his own poison.
He said he "walks on eggshells when he talks to me" because he knows how I'll react - poorly, too sensitive. I have no idea where he got that phrase unless he's been doing some research.
For all you know, he has considered the possibility that he has BPD many times before. But he still does not accept it. Instead he chooses to "project" it onto you. In his deluded mind, you are the one who has borderline personality disorder.
Best wishes, Schwing
