afraid to discipline my kids in front of my pwBPD

[SeekingHealing]

Now that my kids are toddlers and we are starting to do time outs for misbehavior, I realized that I am so uncomfortable doing this in front of my uBPD father.  My parents came to visit recently and i just felt like he would criticize everything i do (in his head--he wont say anything to me because he doesnt want to seem like the bad guy, which many family members already do think this and he hates it).  He did make a comment to my boys "youre in for it now, he comes daddy" (implying that I wouldnt discipline them but my DH would).  He probably thinks that i am weak and super lenient like my mom but that isnt true.  I need to be strong and not be afraid to parent my kids in front of him.  I just dont want to do it the way he did-- very rigid, critical and over the top punishments.

Anyone else relate to this?

[GeekyGirl]

Great question, SeekingHealing. How parents discipline kids is such a touchy subject. My experience is that every child is different and responds to discipline differently. It's also something that I feel very strongly about too--DH and I are the only ones allowed to discipline our son.

It sounds like this is where you need to set some limits with your dad. He may be well-intentioned, but I can imagine that his comments make you feel uncomfortable, and I know where you're coming from--you want your kids to see you as an authority figure.

Have you talked to your father about this? If you and your DH are on the same page about discipline, how could you make that clear to your father and let him know that you and your DH have a plan for discipline?

[an0ught]

Hi SeekingHealing,

Now that my kids are toddlers and we are starting to do time outs for misbehavior, I realized that I am so uncomfortable doing this in front of my uBPD father.  My parents came to visit recently and i just felt like he would criticize everything i do (in his head--he wont say anything to me because he doesnt want to seem like the bad guy, which many family members already do think this and he hates it).  He did make a comment to my boys "youre in for it now, he comes daddy" (implying that I wouldnt discipline them but my DH would).  He probably thinks that i am weak and super lenient like my mom but that isnt true.  I need to be strong and not be afraid to parent my kids in front of him.  I just dont want to do it the way he did-- very rigid, critical and over the top punishments.

Anyone else relate to this?

Sounds a bit more like you are struggling in your head with your past and related anxiety than you are struggling with the actual behavior of your father. When he is visiting he is restraining his behavior from what you wrote. Also the adults around most likely would reject odd behavior. And occasional odd remarks from him when everyone does not support him won't do a lasting damage to your kids either.

As you described and are concerned at the moment you are acting against your believes. This does not make you stronger. You are in fear of your father and let his presence influence your behavior against you better judgment. It may be helpful to think through this from a boundary perspective because boundaries are there to keep us safe. The boundary could be e.g. the way you deal with your children i.e. the "SeekingHealing Way (tm)". When interfered with you can protect it through e.g. politely but firmly walking father out of the house (maybe on the extreme end but then boundaries are for protecting against out of control behavior). To protect your way you are willing to accept weakened/worse/temp worse/terminated relationship with father as a price.

Once you know how to deal with the worst case scenarios you feel safer and can handle kids your way and deal with occasional snarky remarks better.