Email access ... is it at all reasonable

[Imherenow]

Hello all,

I have a uBPD/NPD wife who is on the rampage again because I asked her when would be a good time for my parents to visit.  Her immediate answer was never, then six months from now.  When I pushed her on it, saying that it has been a long time since my parents had visited, and they would love to see the kids, she immediately went to the divorce threat.

She then sent an email to my parents telling them not to come because she is too stressed out.  My parents did not respond to her email, but did send me a private email.  Last night, she demanded to see my email and went off the deep end about some of my parents comments.  And now she has thrown down an ultimatum that I must give here complete access to my email (i.e. put my email on her ipad).

My gut is that this is the wrong thing to do, but I would deeply appreciate comments from others on the board in similar situations.  I am committed to working this out, but I need boundaries.

Thanks

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[karma_gal]

Hello all,

I have a uBPD/NPD wife who is on the rampage again because I asked her when would be a good time for my parents to visit.  Her immediate answer was never, then six months from now.  When I pushed her on it, saying that it has been a long time since my parents had visited, and they would love to see the kids, she immediately went to the divorce threat.

She then sent an email to my parents telling them not to come because she is too stressed out.  My parents did not respond to her email, but did send me a private email.  Last night, she demanded to see my email and went off the deep end about some of my parents comments.  And now she has thrown down an ultimatum that I must give here complete access to my email (i.e. put my email on her ipad).

My gut is that this is the wrong thing to do, but I would deeply appreciate comments from others on the board in similar situations.  I am committed to working this out, but I need boundaries.

Thanks

I agree, you need boundaries, and this would be a great place to start.  Given the circumstances, I cannot think of a single reason why this would be a reasonable request.  If she had caught you cheating, I could see her wanting access to your e-mail account for transparency purposes, but that's not what you're dealing with here.  Will she give you the same access to her e-mail account?  I bet not.  Once you open this box, there's no going back, so be careful here.  If she wins this, what's next? 

I guess my question to you would be, why are you asking her when a good time for your parents to visit would be?  Do they tend to stay with you when they visit?  If it were me, what I would do is make arrangements with my parents for them to visit regarding scheduling.  If they couldn't stay with me because my SO was raging and acting ridiculous, I would find them a nice hotel nearby, and make arrangements to visit them with my kids, without my SO.  You could invite your wife along; she then is free to accept or decline, and that is on her.  Neither your parents nor your children deserve to miss out on bonding and cultivating a relationship because it's simply not good timing for your wife.  She is being petty and ridiculous. 

If this is the hill she wants to die on and file divorce over, call her bluff.  I highly doubt she is serious about this; I think she's using it as a manipulation tactic to get you to do what she wants you to do, and that's it.  And at the end of the day, if she really does want to file a divorce over this, it may not be a bad thing.  At least then you, the kids, and your parents can all maintain healthy relationships together without her dictating things. 

She is so out of line it's not even funny. 

Are you guys in counseling?  If so, this would probably be a good topic to bring before the therapist, using them as kind of a mediator; maybe they can get through to your wife why she is out of line here. 

[Seneca]

DON'T do it! you are entitled to some privacy. It is a control tactic, don't give in. you don't have to be sassy about it, just say "i've thought about it and i have decided, while i understand you are worried, i am not comfortable sharing that with you. i am entitled to some personal privacy and i deserve your trust." she will tweek OUT, but keep it firm. if she starts being abusive towards you, tell her you are going to discontinue the conversation until she calms down. if she won't leave you alone, leave or lock yourself in another room... . whatever. start laying those boundaries down!

many of us have fears of abandonment too, but i figured something out - it's their little secret. people with BPD will NOT leave their SO, unless they have something else lined up. they are nearly incapable of that decision. try to respect her and her boundaries, be kind and consistent, don't take advantage - but you got free reign to DO what you want to. course she will make you suffer for it, but you are suffering anyways, ain't ya? 

[an0ught]

  No, no and no.

May not go down so well but is the gist of my advice. Ok in S.E.T. terms

S: You struggle to trust me,

E: afraid of being cheated on, manipulated through others and afraid of stuff I may share that makes you look bad and you feel ashamed of,

T: we are in a relationship and we must to some degree respect and trust each other. Respect also means there is some degree of privacy and no access to a persons email is part of that.

Btw you are seeing an escalating behavior as part of an extinction burst. As you have a valid position you should not give in as allowing her to bully you just makes maintenance of any other boundary more difficult.

Hang in there, the first boundaries are the toughest   The good news is that after a while it gets easier,

a0

[Nonamouse]

I went through similar demands last year. I eventually had to lock down all my devices because she was breaking into them all. It was a wake up call to me to learn about setting boundaries. We had a series of extinction bursts over it. But stand your ground because it's worth it. Today it's no longer a major issue for us. She's accepted it. We have many other issues remaining but learning how to set and keep that boundary has improved the relationship for us both.

[ugghh]

NO! 

anOught did a fantastic job of laying it out in terms of SET.  As everyone on the thread has already stated, this is a boundary.  My uBPDw pulled these little stunts all the time.  One time she even eavesdropped on conversation between me and my therapist at that time - I was on a cordless home phone and had stepped outside to have the privacy to have the conversation and she claims that she just happened to accidentally pick up the phone to use it and heard a part of my conversation.  Yeah right.

Even earlier this evening, my S16 called her out for reading text messages between him and I and violating his privacy.

Over the course of 25 years mine pulled out the divorce word thousands of times and as karma_gal said, they do so as a manipulation tactic knowing that whatever reason that those of us who are their partners often are loathe to face that situation. As my relationship neared its end I finally said to her, fine if you want a divorce do you want to file or shall I?  Even then she never did until I actually verbalized the words that we were done and followed up by moving out.

If you can, take a  step back and ask yourself if you would ever do that to a partner?  If you would not consider doing it, then it is probably a reasonable boundary for you to request for yourself.

[Imherenow]

Thank you all for your replies.  It is really helpful to get perspectives from others in similar situations.

anOught:  Thank you for putting this in terms of SET.

ugghh:  Yes, it seems like here favorite word in any argument is divorce.  I've only recently understood that this is a bluff, and is her way of trying to control me.  This is one of the boundaries I'm working on ... . if any discussion argument spirals out of control and the divorce word comes out, it is time for the discussion to be over.