Monetary Costs of Dating BPDgf

[delusionalxox]

one of the final insults last summer was that (while he was cheating on me and still taking my cash for holidays etc) he managed despite his dreadful poverty (!) to buy himself expensive new shoes, a new suit 'for interviews' (which he does not have or apply for) and worst of all a stupid little travel guitar (?) for EIGHT HUNDRED EUROS.

I was very nearly 

[willtimeheal]

This post got my attention... . I remember we would be out with friends or to dinner (I always paid... . She always told me how broke she was)... . I remember thinking all the time... . She is the poorest person in the place but drinking the most expensive beer or wine.  It's funny how they never had a problem "buying" the best when they weren't picking up the tab.

[delusionalxox]

Yes movin' up. Bpdbf once said to me 'I love it when you spoil me'   that really made me shudder.

[Perfidy]

This post got my attention... . I remember we would be out with friends or to dinner (I always paid... . She always told me how broke she was)... . I remember thinking all the time... . She is the poorest person in the place but drinking the most expensive beer or wine.  It's funny how they never had a problem "buying" the best when they weren't picking up the tab.

Money is no object. Especially if someone else is buying!

One of the lines I came up with. Used to tell her this a lot.

[fromheeltoheal]

I didn't mind picking up the tab when I was with my ex.  I make 15 times as much as she does, partly because she was in a career 'transition' (turns out she's in a perpetual career 'transition', just another facet of the chaos), I don't care about money in general, and she never took advantage of it, although I never, ever got a thank you or much appreciation either, a problem until I realized it was all she could do to keep the lid on the chaos between her ears, and realizing how her actions were affecting other people was beyond her.

So everything I did for her and gave her I did by choice, on my way to building the life of my dreams with her, and since I've detached I've reframed the money I spent as the cost of a great education, one I needed and didn't know it.

What's good about the money you guys spent on your exes?

[delusionalxox]

Fromheel... . I spent some of that money on some of the most beautiful holidays I ever had. With him.

He was a good travel companion when he wasn't raging. Energetic, a sense of childlike wonder about things.

We went to the Sahara together, he pushed me out of my comfort zone, got me on a camel and all sorts :D things I would not have done on my own.

That makes me very sad. I don't want to remember  the good things because they hurt.

[charred]

The total cost of my divorce (due to pwBPD coming around second time) was about 250K, loss of my family and a 100K+ a year job.

However the first go round was much worse and 24 yrs earlier... very nearly lost my life... . I did quit a business I had started that had 3 locations and was making money like crazy (medical clinic chain) as well as leaving my family, friends and the city I grew up in. From the first breakup I was so devastated I changed from feeling like I could do anything (like start a chain of med centers in my 20's)... to being fired from 5-6 minimum wage jobs in a row... . was a total mess. Was 3 yrs before I went out on a date and probably 10 yrs before I quit really pining for her... . had no idea then she was disordered.

I have no way to know how much she cost me, but it was like a pig derailing a train, the damage made my life jump off the tracks and go in to the woods... . years later I tried as hard as possible to make the second go round work... and it didn't and never will.

Wish I had never met her... . she is the worst thing that has happened to me so far.

[delusionalxox]

We also went on a stunningly beautiful road trip in Italy.

It was the holiday of my life, a sojourn in paradise. We didn't even argue that much.   Of course I was paying for everything.

Two weeks later he was screwing my temporary replacement. None of it was real.  :'(

[Perfidy]

It was less money I had to buy bubble gum with and rot my teeth

[fromheeltoheal]

We also went on a stunningly beautiful road trip in Italy.

It was the holiday of my life, a sojourn in paradise. We didn't even argue that much.   Of course I was paying for everything.

Two weeks later he was screwing my temporary replacement. None of it was real.  :'(

The Sahara!  Camels!  Italy!  Those things sound awesome.  I did some great stuff with her all on my dime too, but half the money I spent was on me, and I didn't mind paying for her, didn't matter, we were just having fun together.

It's important to feel that hurt all the way delusional, feel it all, make sure you're not stopping it, process it, and then in time, once you've purged, you may be able to see those experiences as positive and a blast without the negative emotion, fully accept that the person you were with has a mental illness, and although they were part of your life together at the time, and that ended, those experiences are still part of your life experience and made it richer.  The Sahara!  I'm envious... .

[LilMissSunshine]

What's good about the money you guys spent on your exes?

Um, his practice is doing well, his income has increased, he's out of the "hole" financially and has  plenty of money to spend on my replacement now    . Yup, that's it exactly.  My replacement is in heaven reaping the rewards of my sacrifices and generosity.

[fromheeltoheal]

Ummmmmmm, his practice is doing well, his income has increased, he's out of the "hole" financially and has plenty of money to spend on my replacement now   . Yup, that's it exactly!  My replacement is in heaven reaping the rewards of my sacrifices and generosity!

No, what's good about it for you Sunshine.  Find something.  No really.  It will help.

[LilMissSunshine]

My dear HTH... . IDK  :'(  :'(  :'(  :'(  :'(  :'(  There is nothing really  :'(  :'(  :'(  :'(  :'(  :'(

I had already put this issue to "bed".  I mean, I made the choice to do what I did.  In fact, the one time we discussed it, he snidely remarked, "Hey, I never asked you to do anything", and he's right.  I just thought at the time I was in a normal, loving relationship.  But now that your making me THINK, and to answer your question, perhaps the only thing that's good about what I did was that I did it from my heart.  If I don't think about who I did it for, it makes me feel good to know that I helped someone in need and made their life better.  :'(  :'(  :'(  :'(  :'(

As usual, thank you for lifting me up heal   

[fromheeltoheal]

My dear HTH... . IDK  :'(  :'(  :'(  :'(  :'(  :'(  There is nothing really  :'(  :'(  :'(  :'(  :'(  :'(

I had already put this issue to "bed".  I mean, I made the choice to do what I did.  In fact, the one time we discussed it, he snidely remarked, "Hey, I never asked you to do anything", and he's right.  I just thought at the time I was in a normal, loving relationship.  But now that your making me THINK, and to answer your question, perhaps the only thing that's good about what I did was that I did it from my heart.  If I don't think about who I did it for, it makes me feel good to know that I helped someone in need and made their life better.  :'(  :'(  :'(  :'(  :'(

As usual, thank you for lifting me up heal  

You're welcome, and good for you Sunshine, you sound like a kindhearted person.

How about the money we spent was for an education we apparently needed, to grow and to eliminate the possibility of those kinds of relationship choices in the future, on the way to creating the relationship of our dreams with someone worthy of it.  We graduated!  And we look great in those caps and gowns... .    

[maxen]

therapy. it was an expensive but effective therapy session.

[nowwhatz]

The way things worked typcially if I was not offering to buy anything the BPDgf would ask me for money for something. I would give pretty generously.

When she is on her meds the r/s is actually decent and we have normal and pretty good communication.

When she got off the meds things go downhill and when it is obvious that she needs something (like her meds) and I offer to buy the meds or whatever and she would get resentful and try to guilt me into thihking I am trying to "control" her.

The resentment and "I'll be fine" always preceeds the end of the recycle. This last time was no different.

She needed a phone last week. I offered to ger her a cheap phone so we could communicate and she became resentful ... . that was when I dumped her into the frend's zone via text.

I did buy her meds the next day and she accepted them. 2 days later she asked me for a phone. I didn't get one for her and now we are in mutual NC.

Like Green Mango said ... . treat me crap... . here's a vacation. etc.

We train them to expect.  In my case I train her to expect by not saying no and later she complains I am trying to control her by providing things or $$.    Very frustrating.