Monetary Costs of Dating BPDgf

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I was looking at my budget and expenses and came up with a guestimate of how much I have spent or costs incurred during my latest 90 day recycle that is now over.  Some of these may or may not be related 100% to the r/s with the BPDgf but interesing all happened during the recycle.

$1300 items in hock. Somehow I got a car title loan and my amp in hock twice during the r/s... . I think I got in arrears due to paying for trip to las vegas, financing BPDgfs habit... . she likes to go to the casino and a trip to mexico for me to see her.

$10,000 in new medical bills. Inexplicably I had to go to the emergency room by ambulance twice about 45 days ago after I collapsed. Thankfully nothing serious.

$350 hair extensions in Dec for BPDgf.

$2000 las vegas trip with BPDgf

$1000 trip to mexico to see BPDgf... . she went there for hernia surgery. I stayed an extra night because she wanted to drive back with me the next day, but she changed her mind and stayed there an extra night.

$400 in meds for BPDgf approximatley

$500 money sent to her in mexico.

Ok so I am an idiot I know but pity the BPDgf's poor soon to be ex husband.  She somehow got him to take her back last February and now he is out about $35,000 in legal bills (criminal defence lawyer, hernia operation, full psychological exam for court legal defense and to get her diagnosed.

Approximatley 15k of what he has paid was in the last 90 days, while she has been seeing me without his knowlege and living at his place.  The poor man also promised to get her into an apt after she finds a job (assuming she is not in jail or deported).  As of today he knows she has been "in contact" with me but I don't think he will stop spending $$$ on her.

Well what can I say. I deserve it I guess for leaving the door open so many times.

[nowwhatz]

I was looking at my budget and expenses and came up with a guestimate of how much I have spent or costs incurred during my latest 90 day recycle that is now over.  Some of these may or may not be related 100% to the r/s with the BPDgf but interesing all happened during the recycle.

$1300 items in hock. Somehow I got a car title loan and my amp in hock twice during the r/s... . I think I got in arrears due to paying for trip to las vegas, financing BPDgfs habit... . she likes to go to the casino and a trip to mexico for me to see her.

$10,000 in new medical bills. Inexplicably I had to go to the emergency room by ambulance twice about 45 days ago after I collapsed. Thankfully nothing serious.

$350 hair extensions in Dec for BPDgf.

$2000 las vegas trip with BPDgf

$1000 trip to mexico to see BPDgf... . she went there for hernia surgery. I stayed an extra night because she wanted to drive back with me the next day, but she changed her mind and stayed there an extra night.

$400 in meds for BPDgf approximatley

$500 money sent to her in mexico.

Ok so I am an idiot I know but pity the BPDgf's poor soon to be ex husband.  She somehow got him to take her back last February and now he is out about $35,000 in legal bills (criminal defence lawyer, hernia operation, full psychological exam for court legal defense and to get her diagnosed.

Approximatley 15k of what he has paid was in the last 90 days, while she has been seeing me without his knowlege and living at his place.  The poor man also promised to get her into an apt after she finds a job (assuming she is not in jail or deported).  As of today he knows she has been "in contact" with me but I don't think he will stop spending $$$ on her.

Well what can I say. I deserve it I guess for leaving the door open so many times.

[Perfidy]

I dropped a quarter mil. Waaaaaah! I had so much invested and she had zilch! She was a dreg. Parasite. Mooch. Begger. Bum. And those are just her good points.

[Ironmanrises]

I dont remember how much i spent, but it included bus trips every week back and forth from NYC to Boston, take her and her 2 sons out to eat, movies, etc. Made sure her fridge was well stocked with food every time i went. Mind you, i was only working part time for majority of the time i was with her(i didnt get my promotion to full time till last month i was with her). Not that i want that money back, all of my time and energy and sanity sent on this person, for her to just up and leave me. Just gone.

[fromheeltoheal]

About $5K; guess I got off light, and not bad for a hell of an education.

[Perfidy]

Plus she wasn't even all that. She had... . And I stress... HAD a nice little bod but her face looked like ground beef from the drugs. Most of the cash went for makeup. Butter face bhit!

[santa]

Not nearly as much as it would have cost me if I'd stayed with her.

[nowwhatz]

I dropped a quarter mil. Waaaaaah! I had so much invested and she had zilch! She was a dreg. Parasite. Mooch. Begger. Bum. And those are just her good points.

Wow!

A the end of one of my recycles I called her a parásita. 

About a month ago she was depressed and said she felt like a parasite because she staying at her long separated very soon to be ex husbands apt and she has no job, no car and he is paying all these legal fees.

I was just silent because sadly it is true. She is a parasite. If she had stayed on her meds she could be stable and productive instead of a parasite.

Worse than the $ is the emotional blood they suck out of us.

I saw your post about the butter face... . well I have to admit my BPDgf was drop dead gorgeous when I met her 3 years ago (and she knew it). Now the BPD lifestyle has taken its toll on her. She just looks sick and is now a little overweight. She is now 43 and going downhill fast.

I guess I am not alone. Sorry to hear you had to pay so much.  I think if I added up everything over the last 3 years it would be about 25k.

[Perfidy]

Not a thing. I kept her for almost eight years.

[Perfidy]

Nothing will change them. Not even meds. Not that I could see. Therapy? Ya... . Maybe. And that's a big maybe. It could help them deal with emotion to emotion but in the grand scheme of things they are fundamentally the same person. You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Sad but true. It's like polishing a turd.

[love4meNOTu]

Oh my... . let's see

I paid the $800 he needed to reimburse his x wife for healthcare costs.

I paid for my own wedding and engagement rings (which I gave to him to get him to leave), lost about $7000 there.

I gave him an additional $500 to help him move out.

I paid for the divorce. $2000

Oh WAIT, he stole 3K from me from our joint checking account, it was my bonus money.

So total is about 13K.

Worth every penny to be free of him. But an expensive lesson.

[iluminati]

Hmmm... . $12k in credit card debt (not counting my minor expenses) to keep the house going, $19k for the wedding loans I had to take out, $6k in a IRA I had to clean out, $2k in credit card debt I had to cover for her after I let her get a card in my name.  Plus there are all the innumerable expenses to deal with this craving and that, and the lost earnings after I couldn't hold down a job dealing with her crazy.  So that leaves me at a cool $39,000.  I could have paid off my student loans and had cash left over.  *smh*

[maxen]

I dropped a quarter mil.

thanks, i feel better now.

[LilMissSunshine]

Oh wow... . does this count?

Worked for him for free for two years. (worth about  $70,000 )

Let him live with me, rent free, for two years.  Previously he had been paying $2,000/month, plus utilities. (worth, at minimum, about  $48,000 )

Gave him almost  $10,000  towards capital equipment for his office.

Paid more than my fair share when we went out or on vaca, bought/gave him TONS of stuff for his apt. etc... .

I estimate, at minimum, approx.  $128,000

Funny - our last recycle - not too long ago, I took him to dinner and a show for his birthday ($250).  Afterwards, it took him less than a day to rage, flip me black and discard me.   

My excuse?  I thought we were comitted and devoted to each other; building a life together.  

My reality?  I got screwed BIG TIME.  :'(

[Perfidy]

You can't put a price on love LMS. I did a spreadsheet. Some of my estimates were conservative. I'm one of those guys that believes that men are stronger and as the head of the household and primary wage earner it's the mans responsibility to take care of the woman. The fairer sex. A lot of women would have killed for what I did for her. I opened up completely. Paid her monthly bills. Cell phone, credit cards,car insurance. Fed her every mouthful of food, bought all of her clothing. Expensive jewelry. Expensive cars. Paid for her gas. Her smokes. Gifts, cards,flowers. Gave her a plastic card. Gave her cash,casinos, expensive dinners. Trips, plane tickets,hotels. She had access to all of my finances. Throw basics on top of that. Housing costs. Utilities. Then her meth habit. Multiply that times 7.5 years. I'm being conservative.

[love4meNOTu]

My goodness Perfidy... .


I made more than my ex husband, and he felt entitled to everything I had. I'm in shock. So you are what a real man is.

That's what everyone told me, that he wasn't a man, but I just thought we were a family, and I gave it my all.

What a wakeup call you just gave me.

L

[LilMissSunshine]

My goodness Perfidy... .


I made more than my ex husband, and he felt entitled to everything I had. I'm in shock.  So you are what a real man is.  

That's what everyone told me, that he wasn't a man, but I just thought we were a family, and I gave it my all.

What a wakeup call you just gave me.

L

You certainly are Perfidy.

And I do agree with you; "You can't put a price on love".  And I did everything I did out of love.  He was having a very difficult time, financially, and I consciously chose to help him - it was my idea - he never asked for anything.  Perhaps I thought if I were in the same situation he'd help me get back on my feet too.  Ya know, I thought at the time we were in a "normal" relationship. :'(

[Perfidy]

Thank you for the positive comments. I know who I am and what I did. I chose poorly in a partner. I didn't ask her to work. Not once did she give a gift in return. I just kept giving. Valentines day is approaching. Might just give myself diamonds this year.

[LilMissSunshine]

    I got diamonds once; a beautiful pendant.  Meant the WORLD to me.  Anyway, he ripped that damn necklace off my neck so many times I finally just gave it back. It lost all meaning.

Anywhoo, if you buy yourself diamonds I'm gonna start calling you  Per fi dy  

Just kitten, meow, go for it - you deserve it.   

[Moonie75]

Well there's the cost of my relocating from one of England to the other!

Didn't keep figures because I dread to think how much it cost in total.

She paid her way during the relationship. Previous break up (summer 2013) saw me move out & settle a debt to her for machine she bought when starting up my business. No quarks with that I would've paid back whoever the lender was!

Often watched her spend beyond her means though (credit cards mainly).

Would plead poverty but upon break ups, whoop ha ha she's out every night in new clothes bought to impress the new fool.

I guess love bombing don't come cheap either! 

[Perfidy]

And I'm still paying! My name is on the donation list here. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't be here! No way to win

[LilMissSunshine]

And I'm still paying. My name is on the donation list here. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't be here. No way to win

  ME TOO.

You see, after 2 years of working for no pay, my savings was dwindling.  So he agreed to pay me X amount.  However, in the background he had been in touch with a former X.  She stroked his ego and told him she would work for half that amount       So, he booted my hit_ out the door (after painting me black, flipping and discarding me).   I've been unemployed since .  So much for helping someone in need aye?

Good news:  I've got two working interviews coming up.  Wish me luck.

[Moonie75]

Good for Lilmiss!

That's a disgusting set of circumstances he threw you!

You go!   

[LilMissSunshine]

 :'( :'( The most disgusting part was that I let him recycle me this last time.  Yes I did.  Since he was technically my last employer for the past few years I need to get a LOR from him.  Had to suck it up one more time with the  .  Swallowed my pride and ran back into the crazy house.  But I prepared myself - emotionally. He wrote a great ltr, I locked it away in my car and BOOM. Couple days later I was flipped black again.  Nuffin else I need from him.   

[Moonie75]

I locked it away in my car and BOOM!

Phew!

I thought for a moment there I was gonna read Dick Dastardly had blown up yer motor!

[LilMissSunshine]

   Oh Sh%t.  He did let the air out of my tires once   He said so I wouldn't leave     Didn't stop me 

[nowwhatz]

You can't put a price on love LMS. I did a spreadsheet. Some of my estimates were conservative. I'm one of those guys that believes that men are stronger and as the head of the household and primary wage earner it's the mans responsibility to take care of the woman. The fairer sex. A lot of women would have killed for what I did for her. I opened up completely. Paid her monthly bills. Cell phone, credit cards,car insurance. Fed her every mouthful of food, bought all of her clothing. Expensive jewelry. Expensive cars. Paid for her gas. Her smokes. Gifts, cards,flowers. Gave her a plastic card. Gave her cash,casinos, expensive dinners. Trips, plane tickets,hotels. She had access to all of my finances. Throw basics on top of that. Housing costs. Utilities. Then her meth habit. Multiply that times 7.5 years. I'm being conservative.

I agree with not putting a price on love.

My problem is I feel like an idiot and get angry at myself and her. Really I only have a right to be angry at myself and I can never nail the door shut.

The process repeats itself.

Last Aug/Sept I had saved enough money to take a trip to Columbia to meet a hot friend I have known for a long time.

Instead the exBPDgf got to me and we started the bs recyle again.  I missed out on what would have been a great trip... .

but there is a very positive aspect of the r/s with my BPDgf that I will share sometime... . involves her amazing family members who I have gotten to know in mexico.

In short I am trying to start a business with her genius nano scientist nephew... . maybe I will make millions of dollars and it will all be worth it haha.

[nowwhatz]

 Oh Sh%t!  He did let the air out of my tires once   He said so I wouldn't leave    Didn't stop me 

sounds like a BPD guy trick there. I don't think my exBPDgf would let the air out of my tires... . not if she thinks she can somehow get the car someday!

from what I read BPDguys can be scary... . but then again my BPDgf brings out the worst in me at the end of a recycle I am definitely unstable... . but I have just enough self-control to keep from doing anything too stupid.

[GreenMango]

Some people will take as much as you are willing to give.  We can train people what to expect from us. 

Treat me crap... . here's a vacation.

Complain about the relationship and how I dont do enough ... . how about I pay for your bills?

It sets up a standard of unreasonable expectations leaving you feeling resentful and angry.  Of course they are going to ask and expect -if this is the pattern.

No isn't such a bad word.

[fromheeltoheal]

Some people will take as much as you are willing to give.  We can train people what to expect from us. 

No isn't such a bad word.

I agree.  I took a lot of crap and played 'fixer' for a while, but we all tire of that crap eventually, hopefully.  When enough was enough and I started saying 'No', it was her reaction that repulsed me; she always wanted to be dominant and in control, but when I stood up to her she reacted like a little kid, terrified look in her eyes, scrambling around like she was guilty and in trouble, ready to be sent to her room.  Shocking realization that just standing up for myself could break through the facade so easily, and what I saw was a child; I wanted to be in a relationship with an adult, one that looked just like her, the one she painted for me in the beginning.  Silly me, it was all an illusion.

[delusionalxox]

'Worse than the $ is the emotional blood they suck out of us.

I saw your post about the butter face... . well I have to admit my BPDgf was drop dead gorgeous when I met her 3 years ago (and she knew it). Now the BPD lifestyle has taken its toll on her. She just looks sick and is now a little overweight. She is now 43 and going downhill fast.'

This is horrible and I feel vile for saying it but my BPDbf was/is gorgeous too and astonishingly sexy (many people commented, he even turned the heads of lesbian women!  ) he is 37, an Italian with those sultry Latin looks.  I recall my own real aging started about 38 so maybe he will lose  his looks. At the moment he trades on them shamelessly.

Now for the calculations, ah, this is a trigger:

approx 12 months free rent and bills paid in London (until I threw him out): at conservative estimate, £400 per month for the quality of accom he was getting   so that is £4800.

I paid for EVERYTHING. Food, toiletries, toothpaste, travel for 'our' holidays, petrol, fares, bought him clothes when his were falling off with age (). At a conservative estimate that is about £2000.

When I visited him in Italy, he had painted me black to family so I could't stay with him at his parents (where he lives- at age 37- ahem). So I had to book hotels and the price is double in Italy. Over the three years I must have visited about 10 times at a cost of at least £400 a time. So that's £4,000.

Loads of other airfares including paying for him to see me: at least £2500 if  not more.

He would make me buy dope for him also when we were together... .  yuck. So many meals out etc all paid for by me. Vile.

He really was a parasite.

I got £150 back last month when he was trying to win me back and I kept telling him how could I go back to someone who didn't honour his debts (and the rest). That was for the time I paid for him to com see me when he was already screwing the woman he would move in with when he got back.  Needless to say the week cost more than that.

I may have had the odd £10 or cup of coffee out of him over the years but that would be it and always given with an ill grace. It was always UNFAIR to him that the universe didn't hand him money for nothing.

His last communication to me was a veiled demand for money too. He is just a ___ing parasite frankly. I really hate him today. Fleshcreeping. Why the hell was I so stupid?