Some things he said and things people noticed

[Popcorn71]

I was with my exBPDh for 9 years, married for 5.  For the first couple of years he was too good to be true.  Gradually after the wedding he began to treat me and my teenage son and daughter worse and worse.  Eventually he was violent towards my son and that is what caused us to live separately.  Despite begging me for a few months, to let him move back in with us, when it came to the point of him returning, he suddenly decided that he didn't love me anymore and wanted to end our relationship.  (It turned out that he had a new woman).

My daughter made the observation when we split up, that my ex was like a toddler in an adult body.  He often behaved childishly and his sense of humour was juvenile.  Apparently several of her teenage friends had also noticed this and none of her friends liked him.  She also said that she thinks my ex didn't like my son because they behave the same and both have tantrums and lose their temper easily.  My son does have the excuse of still technically being a child but I do see a lot of the same nasty behaviour in him.  Maybe some has rubbed off by him being in contact with my ex for so long?

Although I am slowly feeling better about things, I am still haunted by the question 'WHY?'  That man must have told me at least 10 times a day for 9 years that he would love me forever and also told family members that he loved me.  It was embarrassing at times because he was so over the top about it.  He said that after he died I would look back and see that he really loved me and that I would never find anyone who would love me as much as he did.  He also told me when we were having problems that he would live alone for the rest of his life if we split up as he could never want another woman and after 3 marriages failing he would just give up.  Why so many lies?  And why was I so foolish to believe him? 

It also puzzles me how he insists I was not to blame in any way for us splitting up.  Although he will not accept blame himself either.  It is all my son's fault!  I think that he may be saying this to drive wedge between my son and I.  Maybe he is trying to win somehow by damaging our mother/son relationship?

Another comment that my ex made a few months ago keeps coming back to me.  He said that if we split up he would like to think that in a few years time, he could knock on my door and if I was single, we could give things another go without the kids living with us.  I found it a very odd comment when he said it, but it kind of makes sense after reading things on this site.  Maybe he is planning to re-engage when I am more able to offer what he needs/wants without any inconvenience to him?

All these things keep going around in my mind and I am looking for answers and explanations that I will never truly know.  I hate him for ingraining all the lies  into my brain because I feel like I will never get rid of him because I can't stop thinking about all the things he said.  I can hear him in my mind!  Those I have mentioned are just a few, there are many more that I could quote.  How can I forget?

[Turkish]

My daughter made the observation when we split up, that my ex was like a toddler in an adult body.  He often behaved childishly

That is true. Our kids love us at a young age, but it is really more need-based love. My S3 paints us black if we don't do what he wants "I don't love you!" Then hours later, he'll say the opposite.

when you find yourself longing for something that ultimately never was... . ask yourself if you really want to be married to a child?

It's better to not let toxic people (which he is, and dangerous, too... . that won't change) rent space in our heads.

Detachment is difficult... . I'm still going through it. It is why we are all here to support each other.

Turkish