Processing in order to move on

[Tincup]

Ok I read something on one of the boards within the past week that got me thinking.  I have been having a very hard time moving on from my exUBPDgf.  With past relationships (my prior marriage) the person I have dealt with is one person.  Meaning my ex wife to me was one person (physically/emotionally/etc).  As hard as the divorce was for me, moving on was a process that I was able to move through do to the fact that I reconciled thoughts and behavior of one person.

Fast forward to now.  My exUBPDgf I realize that I see as two different people almost.  I still love the one that was there 80% of the time (and dominates my thoughts sometimes).  But I hate the one that was there 20% of the time (oh god am I splitting her?).  Anyway I realized this weekend that I need to put the 100% together and realize that THIS IS HER, and process it that way.  I have to process the complete package.

Any thoughts on this probably hard to read post?

[Ironmanrises]

I am 6 months NC with my exUBPDgf and I struggle with the same thing. The 2 different persona's exhibited via one person. The extreme behavior in both. In a short period of time. I have no advice on how to process that, other then, going back to radical acceptance. There really is no other choice. Is there? I have split mine into 2 people in my mind to keep it manageable for me. That is how she presented herself to me. As that. That is how she remains concurrently. Hang in there. I know it is hard.

[Waifed]

I process her actions over the 3 year thing.  My mind keeps remembering some of her actions and I try to process whether she was constantly cheating on me.  Only caught her once but I have a feeling she spent more time with her pants at her knees than anywhere else.  The cheating was an ego crusher. Here I was thinking I was the one when in reality I was the only one in that certain point in time of the day.

[schwing]

What you are describing sounds like a cognitive dissonance to me.  That happens when our mind contains two contradictory ideas simultaneously.

Your exuBPDgf is technically one person.  But her behavior has been so divergent that the only way (so far) you can accept her behavior is to think of her as more than one person: the good her and the bad her.  This sounds a little bit like "splitting" and I think it is; "splitting" can be thought of as a defense mechanism for when the mind can't handle something: like a cognitive dissonance.

Now (presumably) that you are no longer with her, you are no longer adding more experiences which fuel this cognitive dissonance.  While we are with our BPD loved ones, we generally tried to see them one way (as one person) and suppressed the contradictory information.  And so now, your mind has the opportunity to resolve this cognitive dissonance: who was she?  And it will take time to integrate all those divergent memories.  And the rosetta stone you have to help you is your understanding of this disorder.

Just be patient with yourself.  Even when you understanding something intellectually, it will take some time for your emotional brain to catch up.

Best wishes, Schwing

[myself]

I need to put the 100% together and realize that THIS IS HER, and process it that way.  I have to process the complete package.

This will definitely help, and you'll accept it. You'll get there. It takes time.

Remember, she split herself. You saw it, and it affected you.

Most importantly, process yourself to be 100%. 

[winston72]

At the moment, the integration of my memories, feelings and thoughts of my ex is the primary topic as I sort out my inner world.  Schwing makes some great points.  When I was relating to her every day, or in the initial phases of mourning the relationship, I would synthesize all the parts of her into a whole personality... . and I was not accurate in doing so.  I am trying to use words very carefully here.  I think we do this synthesis in all of our key relationships.  We factor in all the diverse characteristics of a person and continually adapt ourselves on a regular basis.  Some objectionable parts can be acknowledged but held in abeyance until it can be resolved.  Not quite splitting, but not far from it. 

In such relationships, however, we are normally not dealing with behaviors that are abjectly contradictory or extreme.  When we encounter these, they can be so out of context or shocking that we put them on hold until we can make sense of them or factor them into our broader understanding of this person. 

In my case, I ignored some very basic realities in the beginning, then my ex started to lie to me about big things... . like she was involved with someone else the whole time we were together.  That was pretty big!  I learned about it after one year with her... . but only learned partial facts.  In retrospect, I did not want to learn the whole story because I could not absorb or accept what it would mean.  And she was not keen to tell me.  It all crumbled a year later (what a surprise!). 

It took about six months of separation for me to calm down and reflect on what really happened between us.  By "really happened" I mean just the facts of her behavior, not the meaning of it.  Such information included when she met the guy, what she was doing with him when she was in relationship with me, what they were planning.  This information informed me about what was real and false between her and I.  Boy, have I had a hard time putting it all together.  One core problem was the extent of the lying from her.  I build my inner emotional world with her based on her fabrications to me.  It was/is hard to get my emotions aligned with reality when I did not know what was reality. 

Over the past month, I have been comforted by the name of this web site, bpdfamily.com.  So simple!  So true!  And, really, it is the key to general emotional health as well as finding peace and meaning from my ex relationship.  And this is something I can do!  I have needed to continually review the whole spectrum... . what was good, what was bad; what was real, what was a lie.  Continual interaction with "the facts" as best we can know them ultimately leads to properly aligned emotions. 

Oddly, and thankfully, I contacted my ex and asked her to confirm some facts for me and fill in some information gaps.  It was a bit of a struggle, but eventually she was gracious enough to fill me in.  It was a relief and most helpful to see it all for what it was.  Not typical for many of the interactions here, but it worked for me. This was after four months of complete no contact and a few months prior to that of limited contact. 

bpdfamily.com... . the only way to go!  Funny how that became so misaligned for me.  It was a matter of her personality distortions, my wishful and magical thinking and needinees and her outright deceit.  Life!