6 months of silence-finally a text response

[isseeu]

Hello again,

My story of suddenly being left after 2+ great years can be read elsewhere.  I've tried reaching out-always with kindness, always with compassion, always with a door open.  Nothing, crickets chirping in the night (actually, those make more sound than I was getting).  So, I stopped trying around early October.  Nothing over Christmas, birthday, NYE, you know the drill.    I decided that it was time to get rid of a couple of things he gave me that were very special, and that I believed belong in his family.  One is his leather flight jacket with wings etc., the other is a nativity set that was his mother's.   So, last week I sent him an email letting him know that these meant a lot when he gave them to me, but that I thought they belonged with his family.  He has a grandson that he may actually connect with someday, and perhaps the jacket will have meaning.  In my email, I gave him little updates of the holidays, my continued relationship with his two girls, etc.  Signed off with kindness of course. I offered the option of shipping the items to him, but told him I preferred returning them in person.  Didn't hear back from him.  I know he doesn't check his email much so I texted him on Monday and let him know I was trying to return a couple of items to him and had sent him an email.  Asked him to let me know if he had seen it-wished him well.  Nothing.   So yesterday I got pissed off.  I texted him briefly "if I don't hear back to you by Friday regarding the items mentioned in my email, I will be disposing of them."   

Lo and behold, a response.  Funny thing about those boundaries.   He said in his text "UPS c.o.d. to the house is ok.  Those items should not be disposed.  Sorry for the inconvenience/s.  I appreciate your help.  Thank you very much."

It all seems so juvenile.  So, I will ship the items, but let him just wonder if I got his text for now.   Not sure why this helps... . but it does.  Probably the last time I hear from him... . but I actually thought that had already happened. 

So... . that's my update.   

[Pretty Woman]

Isseeu,

  Why are you still trying to contact him? Just curious. I would have just mailed those items or tossed them. If he wanted them really he would have reached out.

I hope I don't sound cold but it doesn't sound like you are over him. My ex has stuff of mine and mine of hers. I figure it's an even deal.

Best thing is NC and to move on or you will never get over this. He is incapable of giving you the closure you desire.

[santa]

Stomp on your phone and burn the remains of it. Lol

Get yourself a new number at least. You don't want to go back down that road.

[isseeu]

Yup, not totally over him and looking for closure.  Brain not completely connected with my heart yet, but getting there.

Also, his living situation is ridiculously strange.  He lives in an apartment close to me (secured so I can't/wouldn't anyway) just show up.  He doesn't get mail there-even tho he has lived there for almost 1.5 years now.  He continues to get mail at his vacant mansion (moved out in early 2011-waiting still for it to be foreclosed on) that is about an hour away-and goes there a few times a month to pick up mail.  If I mail these things, I want him to be looking for them because they are valuable.  I have many other things that he has given me that I've kept or gotten rid of.  These are different.

I don't hate him, I have compassion for him.  

[Pretty Woman]

Isseeu,

   I know where you are coming from... . we all do.  Maybe I am jaded because I met someone who is the antithisis of my ex. All I know is any communication is bad. Checking FB profiles is still "communication" or knowing about that person.

It's good to be compassionate but give yourself compassion first. You were upset when he didn't respond.

That only hurt you.

[isseeu]

PW, thanks.  I know you are right.  I do have compassion for myself-it's been a long road.  I feel like these are the last twitches on my part.  Necessary for some reason.  His silence and ignoring my messages doesn't hurt at all like it used to.  I feel sorry for him-the loss of me frankly had to be huge, even if it's he who ended things. 

[seeking balance]

Yup, not totally over him and looking for closure.  Brain not completely connected with my heart yet, but getting there.

Closure is a common theme - and I get it.  The thing is, you kinda do have your closure and for whatever reason he really does not want to see you.  Honestly, I know this hurts and seems unfair, but at this point respecting his boundaries really is showing him the compassion you say you have for him.

Reminds me a lot of a section in Article 9 - False Belief That Keep Us Stuck.  I used to keep a print out of this article near me and when I wanted to contact my ex for any reason, read through it to make sure I wasn't in my own version of denial.



Understand that we have become the trigger for our partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, we do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It’s roots emanate from the deep core wounds associated with the disorder. We can’t begin to answer to this."

[LilMissSunshine]

Understand that we have become the trigger for our partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, we do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It’s roots emanate from the deep core wounds associated with the disorder. We can’t begin to answer to this."

Can't stop  :'(

[delusionalxox]

Isseeu

If he is totally into closure himself why is he asking you not to dispose of these items?

If I were you I'd just get rid or better, sell them :D I sold ex's bike. I didn't want his things, as well as him, taking up space in my life. I threw out the rest.

Ex was furious when he found out I'd sold his bike,but as I pointed out, he had abandoned and cheated on me and he had no right to command anything from me.

Neither has your ex. He has left you, you don't owe him anything now. Don't feel bound to follow his instructions.

[Ironmanrises]

I just broke down in tears reading this. I have heard nothing at all in 6+months from my exUBPDgf.

[bewildered2]

this person is not worthy of you.

can you hear me?

just ditch him. what a creep. mail his stuff back to him if you want, but then exit.

he knows you are hanging on.

i promise you, based on your posts here, you are worth way so much more than this creep.

i hope you waste no more time on him, and instead, do what everyone here must do, which is to take some pain for 3-6 months, cut all contact, and then reemerge as a stronger, wiser person.

this a-----e is not worth it.

there are soo many nice people out there, and you deserve and will find one of them.

guaranteed.

b2 

[isseeu]

Ironman-I get it, I really do.  He ignored everything up until this-and that was a lot.  I have to admit that getting a response to this helped me toward closure in some unexplicable way.  And I do not want him back.

B2... . you are so right.  Thank you... .   He did know I was hanging on. 

The reason I felt strongly about these items is because they are some link to his past when he really felt like he was worth something-as a navy pilot (the flight jacket).  I thought someday his grandson (who he has only met 3-4 times, who lives nearby him and who he won't see-he's now 6) would like to have it.  The nativity set, well - I should have had a ceremonial burning of that because his abusive horrible awful dead mother was where this all started, and it was hers.  I offered these items to his daughter and she said she didn't want them.  She has no good memories of her grandmother and her son (the grandson I mention) would likely feel about the jacket the way she feels about the nativity set... .

He's a very very broken man.  I didn't feel that it cost me anything additional to be kind.  I'm being true to myself and will not be taken advantage of by him again... .

Thank you all-so very very much.

Ironman... . what can I say.  I wish I had words that would help.

[magichat101]

I gave all my ex's stuff to her assistant... . I finally after 5 months nc I called her assistant and said I'm moving, if she wants her ___ please come and get it... . So the assistant came and I'm not joking we filled like 15 boxes full of her hit... . Take in mind this was my new apartment that I moved into after we split up and moved out from living together and then recycled... . It was the most liberating thing ever... . Her assistant especially found the photos and love letters of all of her ex's in my apartment rather charming... . NOT... . It feels amazing to have my space now with none of her stuff around!

BTW if my ex did not have an assistant that I could call then I would have just thrown her hit away... . That was nice of me to do what I did... .

Good Ridden's!

[fromheeltoheal]

Well, at least when you get rid of this stuff with meaning that will be another step towards detachment.  Compassion and kindness are great, I feel compassion for my ex too, I just need to remember to be compassionate to myself first, which includes keeping unsupportive people out of my life, including her.  Take care a you!