Where's the support?

[nicolin]

I went NC with my unBPD mother in September, 2010.  Best decision ever.  We got pregnant in January, 2011 and I knew I would not be opening communication with her because of this.  If anything, this was more reason not to have her in our lives.  However, I was worried about the reaction from my nonBPD sisters as they have never been as strong as I have been against our mother let alone supportive about her to me - though they have always acknowledged that she has some sort of problem.

When my sisters finally found time to fit us in their schedule, we told them we were going to have a baby in March, 2011.  At first they were happy.  But a couple of weeks later I was asked if I would tell my mother.  Trying to cover every reason, I explained why I wouldn't be exposing my unborn child to that.  By May they had completely shut us out of their lives and I made peace with that.

For the first time since then, one of them emailed us on New Year's Eve.  Even though my husband and I had decided long ago that they were out of chances and couldn't have a relationship with our son, with this apologetic email he has changed his mind.  I have not.  I've been here too many times before and I know the disastrous ending and our son is not worth the heartache, stress and insanity having my family in our lives causes.  I've known my husband for over 10 years so he is well aware, and has lived through some, of our history. 

I told him there was no way I was going back to that.  I was very clear in my reasoning and showed him the email I sent her back.  He said he thinks I should set boundaries with her and find out what precipitated the e mail and see if my sisters are talking to my mother.  I said none of that matters to me as I am concentrating on living a healthy life.

That was NYE and two nights ago he tells me he's been emailing with my sister, discussing this since then.  I thought I had taken care of this swiftly when I got right back to her on 1/1, but he's been discussing with her whether I will change my mind and how sorry she is.  Turns out a major surgery for her precipitated her email and neither of my sisters are in contact with my mother.  He just had to know.  I felt so betrayed.  I told him he has undermined me and that it was not his place to do that when he was very clear on my position.  He said he felt I needed to know all of the facts before making a decision.  I reiterated that the decision was made long ago and that he needs to respect that.  He said they are his family, too.  I told him that I am the one who spent 38 long years with these people and that my feelings on the matter trump his. 

There's been no apology or feelings of regret on his end.  I feel as though I did express my feelings to him completely including the fact that there can be no more emailing with her.  I'm not going to fish for an apology that I know isn't heartfelt.  But now I feel like I'm in the boat all by myself.  Now I feel like we're not a team.  Now I feel like he's against me as my sisters were against me regarding our mother for all of those years. 

Thanks for reading and letting me vent.

[StarStruck]

I really feel for you. You have done everything by the book, you really could do with him to truly see things from your point of view.

Have you told him how hurt you are by this?

Did he communicate that he wanted more answers before he went ahead?

Sometimes as willing to listening and support as partners are, I do think that they can never truly Feel how we have felt in the past or when we get burnt again... . as it's very deep rooted isn't it. especially if they haven't been through this with their parent/s.

Is it the fact that he gets in right so much of the time, thats this is particularly shocking. that you find yourself saying I thought he really got it and now this? Therefore it's making you doubt the whole team thing because of it.

How things with the sister...

Have you been able yet to manage your sister back to where you'd like?

ss  

[nicolin]

Thank you for your supportive words, StarStruck.  That's what I thought - that I had done everything by the book and with communication so important to any relationship I thought I had done a good job of communicating my feelings.  He did tell me that he wanted to know more answers before he went ahead, but that was while we were discussing what my reply to her would be.  There was no discussion that he would be replying to her, as well.  I let him know that before I replied that I didn't need any answers from her as they would not change my mind.  Then he went ahead without telling me and contacted her to get the answers that he wanted.  When he told me ten days later that he had been e mailing her, I reminded him that I made clear that none of her answers mattered to me.  He said, "And I told you they mattered to me."  And that has since been good enough for him to think that he was right to go behind my back and e mail her. 

Yes, I have communicated how hurt I am by this.  I told him that I have worked hard these 2.5 years to distance myself from them and live a healthy life and now I feel like the old wounds have been reopened.  I told him I'm a wreck because of this and I haven't been sleeping.  He can't even bring himself to apologize for the hurt he has caused, let alone for what he did.  My trust in him has been betrayed.

You are right that he could never know how I truly feel as he's never had this with his parents and he is an only child.  But I feel like because of that he should not step in even more.  He's in uncharted territory in which he has no business being.

I'm doubting the whole team thing because we had agreed prior to this incident that they would not be allowed to have a relationship with our son.  We have had a few conversations about this specifically saying that they will not be allowed in his life and now because she is apologetic he has changed his mind.  I thought we were on the same page, but not now.  I have never been able to manage my sisters or their dysfunctional ways, which is one of the reasons I need to keep them out of my life, as well.  They have been under my unBPD mother's control for too long.  They are weak when it comes to her and have always resented the strength I've been able to show against her.  I even heard "Honor thy Mother and Father" from this sister who is now apologizing and was never religious.  The worst for me is that I now have the same dynamic with my husband that I had with my sisters - someone who just cannot accept the decisions I make regarding my family.  So disappointing.

[StarStruck]

That's pants, you're absolutely right that you have both made an important decision about your son. & unless you are both on board - no way can your son see your sister/s.

It's your sister, you know better than anyone else. I think that's terrible he's gone behind your back, transparency is so important especially when you have these characters in the family when you have a child. What's his fascination with this?

It sounds like he doesn't understand the condition fully & from the outside looks as if he's playing with fire.

Did he want to hear the lunacy from the source... . do you think he's not made his mind up about her? (what you know already)

Has he at least said that he's Not in touch now? Has he stopped emailing?

So he's wants to forgive? Like you say though he's in uncharted territory... . it stops and starts with you... . as far as he's concerned you are the best qualified. You wouldn't be putting yourself and family through all these decisions for the fun of it.

Ahh... . about forgiveness I read something from a member on this website, here it is:

... . "I do NOT believe in forgiving the unforgivable. Saying to forgive someone who has abused you, devastated you, ruined your life - even if it's your mother - is NOT always the most healthy thing to do.

Unforgiveness can be healthy... . not everything is or should be forgiveable".

[Botswana Agate]

Here's something I learned from another wise member from a different board:

"Forgiveness does NOT mean reconciliation."

I have NEVER forgotten that.  You can forgive someone for the absolute crazy-making and other abuse they've done in your life, but that doesn't mean you have to reconcile and let them back in.  NC can be a very, very good thing.

[StarStruck]

"Forgiveness does NOT mean reconciliation."

... . You can forgive someone for the absolute crazy-making and other abuse they've done in your life, but that doesn't mean you have to reconcile and let them back in... .  

Hi Botswana Agate - totally with you on that x

(I see it as... . well if people say forgiveness means forget therefore welcome somemore of abuse = no way

but if forgiveness is understanding of the situation from all angles but with that you are still able to keep them at arms length to be healthy = yes way!)

[nicolin]

I agree with you both completely.  NC has been the best thing that's happened to me.  So freeing!  I tried the forgiving and forgetting angle and it didn't work.  And good point about me not doing this for the fun of it.  It's a major thing to go NC with your family.  My sister played on my husband's heartstrings and he feels badly for her and thinks she is sincere.  I never doubted her sincerity.  It's when the novelty of having us back in her life wears off and we get back to the same old crap that I am afraid of.  For someone who despises drama, I can't believe my husband would even want to try this because it is always *nothing but* drama with them.

Thank you for the supportive words, both of you!   

[StarStruck]

Hang in there   & patience to see what you suspect... . the colors always come around again don't they for ALL to see