Seriously hurting tonight

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi... . I've been on here for just over a year.  It's been a truly horrible year where my on/off r/s with an undiagnosed BPD male coworker... .  I have been detaching very slowly for a bit now - after some truly scary times in the past 6 months.  My ex is a very volatile man prone to extreme rage for the slightest perceived misstep on my part.  I have been in therapy for over a year, I have been working out significantly more and focusing way more on myself for the past year and trying to truly work on my own issues.  At the worst times, I even went to a domestic violence counselor (even though I don't live with the guy) because I was afraid of how far he might take things.  Turns out, that is still a concern for me.  I just learned to live with the fear I guess.  He does make good on his threats - which so far have only been aimed at trying to destroy my personal life.  

Anyway - the point of my post tonight is that after the longest period of NC yet with him - a week (sad yes I know but again, we work together in the same dept) - and a week where I was feeling truly great about myself and myself (which is huge progress)... . a female coworker started telling me about his new gf and how they are exclusive and how she's already told him she loves him after only a couple months... .  REALLY?  

He told me in November and December that he wanted to be with me.  I didn't believe him of course but obviously it sunk in more than I'd realized... .  I slept with him when I was downright afraid of him if I didn't.And now come to find out he was dating someone as I appeased him with sex ?

I cried at work today like an idiot.  I didn't realize it would hit me so hard.  I was truly feeling strong until I heard this stuff.  I want the pain to stop but I am afraid it really never will as long as I work there.

oh btw - HE reached out to me and broke the NC.  I was stupid enough to respond this morning before being told about the gf... . so as he felt compelled to rage at me on text all morning then I found out about the gf... .

I don't deserve this... .   :'(

[Take2]

Hi... . I've been on here for just over a year.  It's been a truly horrible year where my on/off r/s with an undiagnosed BPD male coworker... .  I have been detaching very slowly for a bit now - after some truly scary times in the past 6 months.  My ex is a very volatile man prone to extreme rage for the slightest perceived misstep on my part.  I have been in therapy for over a year, I have been working out significantly more and focusing way more on myself for the past year and trying to truly work on my own issues.  At the worst times, I even went to a domestic violence counselor (even though I don't live with the guy) because I was afraid of how far he might take things.  Turns out, that is still a concern for me.  I just learned to live with the fear I guess.  He does make good on his threats - which so far have only been aimed at trying to destroy my personal life.  

Anyway - the point of my post tonight is that after the longest period of NC yet with him - a week (sad yes I know but again, we work together in the same dept) - and a week where I was feeling truly great about myself and myself (which is huge progress)... . a female coworker started telling me about his new gf and how they are exclusive and how she's already told him she loves him after only a couple months... .  REALLY?  

He told me in November and December that he wanted to be with me.  I didn't believe him of course but obviously it sunk in more than I'd realized... .  I slept with him when I was downright afraid of him if I didn't.And now come to find out he was dating someone as I appeased him with sex ?

I cried at work today like an idiot.  I didn't realize it would hit me so hard.  I was truly feeling strong until I heard this stuff.  I want the pain to stop but I am afraid it really never will as long as I work there.

oh btw - HE reached out to me and broke the NC.  I was stupid enough to respond this morning before being told about the gf... . so as he felt compelled to rage at me on text all morning then I found out about the gf... .

I don't deserve this... .   :'(

[irishmarmot]

I am sorry to hear that you are hurting.   You have taken a good step in therapy.   Ask your T for help.  Keep posting here because you are among friends.  We all have a common bond together.   The pain will end, you have courage to take the step of detaching.   Many of us have shared experiences so that must help.

[santa]

Sorry to hear that you're hurting.

I'm a little bummed out today too. This is the first time I've missed my ex in awhile. I don't miss her in the "love/relationship" way. I just have something very very important going on tomorrow and it's weird not talking to her about it. I'm in no contact and will continue it. I'm just a little melancholy tonight.

[Take2]

I honestly keep thinking he can't possibly hurt me worse... . and yet each time he does... .

I thought I was doing so well but its like the more I forgive the worse it hurts when he has the audacity to still do more to hurt me... .

when will this pain ever truly stop... .

[santa]

I honestly keep thinking he can't possibly hurt me worse... . and yet each time he does... .

I thought I was doing so well but its like the more I forgive the worse it hurts when he has the audacity to still do more to hurt me... .

when will this pain ever truly stop... .

Only time will tell. Everyone grieves differently. I'm sure it will go on for a while. Then, one day, it will just stop.

[wdone]

i am so sorry. i know that pain. i relate to your story, although my bf has not seen anyone else. as far as i know.  that would be unbearable to me.  he has sent mean, horrible texts many times though, and i have been to a DV counselor.  i am so sorry and i wish i could say something to help.  the only thing that gives me some comfort at times is knowing it is not about me, it is not personal--he has behaved this way with all of his intimate partners.  it's not about you. 

this is the most confusing painful thing i have ever dealt with.  you're not alone.

 

[LilMissSunshine]

Hi... . I've been on here for just over a year.  It's been a truly  horrible year  where my on/off r/s with an undiagnosed BPD male coworker... .  I have been detaching very slowly for a bit now - after some truly  scary times  in the past 6 months.  My ex is a  very volatile man prone to extreme rage  for the slightest perceived misstep on my part.  I have been in therapy for over a year, I have been working out significantly more and focusing way more on myself for the past year and trying to truly work on my own issues.  At the worst times, I even went to a  domestic violence counselor  (even though I don't live with the guy) because  I was afraid  of how far he might take things.  Turns out, that is  still a concern  for me.  I just learned to  live with the fear  I guess.  He  does make good on his threats  - which so far have only been aimed at trying to destroy my personal life.  

Anyway - the point of my post tonight is that after the longest period of NC yet with him - a week (sad yes I know but again, we work together in the same dept ) - and a week where I was feeling truly great about myself and myself (which is huge progress)... . a female coworker started telling me about his new gf and how they are exclusive and how she's already told him she loves him after only a couple months... .  REALLY?  

He told me in November and December that he wanted to be with me.  I didn't believe him of course but obviously it sunk in more than I'd realized... .  I slept with him when I was downright afraid of him if I didn't.And now come to find out he was dating someone as I appeased him with sex ?

I cried at work today like an idiot.  I didn't realize it would hit me so hard.  I was truly feeling strong until I heard this stuff.  I want the pain to stop but I am afraid it really never will as long as I work there.

oh btw - HE reached out to me and broke the NC.  I was stupid enough to respond this morning before being told about the gf... . so as he felt  compelled to rage at me  on text all morning then I found out about the gf... .

I don't deserve this... .   :'(

Ghee wiz Take2... . he sounds extremely dangerous and you are in FEAR of him.  Is seeking new employment an option for you?   

[bpdspell]

Take 2,

This hurts me to write this but you are in a very toxic situation. The only way you can stop your ex from continuing to hurt you is to disengage from this dance. You are in very dangerous territory making yourself available sexually to someone you cannot fully trust. You are in the midst of Triangulation. Now there's three of you in the mix and it makes an already complicated and complex engagement even that much more painful due to the blatant betrayal.

Talk to your therapist and post on here but ultimately I pray for your well being and the strength to cut the cord for good. I can relate to being in your position as my ex triangulated me with new supply as well. There were times when I knowingly slept with my ex knowing that he'd been with someone else the week before but the hooks were in deep. When you are dealing with a borderline narcissist they will treat you as bad as you allow them to. They aren't nice people and their endgame is to make you feel as rotten on the inside as they feel.

My ex was a pathological cheater and rager. And cheated and raged on every woman he's every been with. It's nothing personal or inherently flawed about us; it's about them: their sickness, their shame and their need to blame.

If you are fearful of disengagement because of threats and/or violence I suggest you change your number and get a restraining order because you are witnessing a borderline who's mask has completely dropped. He will not come to his "senses." He will not see your "goodness." In our minds we think that the harder we try to show them our "good" that they'll want to do better by us but it never works out that way because you are dealing with someone who essentially hates themselves.

He will continue to blame you, hate on you, and make you suffer the more you make yourself available to him.

I know you are hurting because you want him to love you, need you and be only with you but a borderline lacks the capacity to do these things in a healthy way.

 

Spell

[Jayhawk21]

Spell I know exactly how you feel. NC is hard. My BPD relationship makes me feel as rotten as she feels. When she's in a rage- my fault, she drinks-my fault, depressed-my fault.

Why do we still dance with toxic?

[Take2]

Thanks for the responses... .  I do know and agree I need to start looking for another job.  I work from home one day a week and may ask if I can work from home more days first.  My AVP knows the entire situation because we have been pretty close friends.  It hasn't gone to HR yet, but honestly they've got to know because of the company instant messages.  Yet yesterday, he came back to work (he was on vacation all week) I honestly believe to simply trash me on IM.  And trash me he did.  And respond like a stunned lunatic - I did.  :)amn he's good.  I am the one who totally sounded like a nut job.  How do I avoid that when I'm being accusing of threatening a small child (his words)?   Um.  NO I did not threaten anyone let alone a child !

I had texted him in anger the day before after finding out about the new GF who has a 2 year old to "leave that child out of your crap".   Meaning obviously that I don't want that poor child to wind up living with a monster.  I thought I'd been quite kind in how I said it actually - .  Anyway - that's pretty much how my day went at work.  He got what he wanted.  Me sounding like a lunatic while he accused me of INSANITY all day.

When I responded that he's the one who has been lying - he responded with lies to make himself look good.

Clearly a case of "STOP talking" in order.

By nighttime last night, I was such a mess.  ME.  I was crying over HIM.  WOW - how messed up is my head?

I always knew inside that he was probably dating all along when I wasn't out with him but never had proof until now.  And found out at a time when I THOUGHT I had made SO much progress yet only to find myself stunned and in severe pain.  

Yep, I am pretty sure he will never truly stop until I leave.  I need to keep my focus on myself.  Not on HIM.

This guy is a pathological liar, cheater, rager.  Borderline, narcissist and quite clearly some antisocial personality traits.  I suppose what I must hope is that because he has a new focus, he will stop messing with me.  But I do believe she must not truly be it - because he was still lying about her totally up until the moment he was busted.   

[Take2]

Bpdspell... . that quote "leg go or be dragged"... . I have been letting myself be dragged for wow an amazingly long time.  I feel like a pawn.  You know that study they did many years ago where college students played the roles of both prisoner or guard and they found that the students fell into the rolls of both very very quickly.

I feel like I've morphed into a prisoner or pawn... . and been dragged around to do whatever my master says.  Change my personality (no longer talk to me), change how I dress (making sure not to wear anything to cute on meeting days when other men are around), stop going out at night with friends, no longer saying hello to strangers, etc etc etc.

Yes my therapist has helped me overcome many of those - most of those.  I do wear a dress now if I want to on meeting days at work, I do talk to coworkers (of course that's just me throwing myself at them - per the ex), you get the picture... .  

NO ONE who knew me before meeting him would ever guess I'd be someone to be with someone like this... .

Sorry - just had to write that out when I read that quote.  Time to REALLY LET GO.