New Member - Frustration with uBPD Mother

[clip06]

Hi everyone. This is more or less a re-post of my initial entry, but I thought I'd introduce myself to everyone on this board.

I've been in therapy for two and a half years, and my therapist and I have begun to strongly suspect that my mom has BPD over the past year or so. I feel completely overwhelmed with few options to turn to. My mom is currently in humanistic therapy, which does not seem to be the best fit for her and seems to empower her to act in very irrational ways such as completely alienating her family members without providing any reason, and my therapist recently suggested that I try to find a way to suggest dialectical behavior therapy to my mom since it seems like she is looking for some sort of solution that she hasn't found yet. She was diagnosed with depression many years ago and has been on medication for over a decade, and she constantly blames her BPD tendencies on depression, which doesn't fit at all. I have tried to help my mom in more ways than I can count, but she believes only that I'm trying to deceive her instead and refuses to go to therapy sessions with me or let me go to sessions with her. I've told her that she's hurt me a lot and that we both need to work on this if we're going to heal, but she won't budge.

In any case, some background: I am the youngest child in my family, and I was always the "good" child. My mom always told me everything first, confided in me (I was the first of my siblings to know when she was filing for divorce from my dad and when she started dating my stepfather), and seemed proud of me (but never directly mentioned being proud or happy with what I'm doing, though she constantly brags about me to others). I am in professional school and have always been responsible and hyper-empathic--in many situations, I have taken on a caregiver role in my family, including in my relationship with my mom to a large extent.

I always noticed that my mom is very irrational and spiteful, and she cannot take even a hint of criticism before shutting down. She also has problems with binge eating, picking at her skin, and failing to take care of herself and her house, which has become almost unlivable (trash everywhere, items she continues to buy but never uses thrown around in random rooms). She somewhat secretly disapproves of my very long-term relationship with my significant other, who is very respectful, understanding, and kind. She is currently married for the third time (unhappily), though she has held a stable job throughout my life and seems to excel at it. She maintains that her intuition is extremely strong (a phrase she uses when she suspects that someone has been deceiving her) and that she's been mistreated in almost every relationship in her life (she is always the victim in her eyes). Most people would call her unreasonable, and she often reacts in ways that don't seem to have a basis in reality--she is often overly paranoid and distrustful of people who have done nothing wrong.

Her major issues started about two years ago when a small family situation ballooned into a huge battle between her and my entire extended family, which somehow turned into a battle between her and, seemingly, the entire world. The situation worsened for me in particular about six months ago when I was the only one of my siblings left in town (I'm here for school, but my older siblings moved when they had the chance). My mom used to blame everything on my sister, and now that she's no longer around I think my mom is left with a lot of negativity without a scapegoat. She no longer trusts me for reasons I don't understand, and something as simple as not answering a text message for twenty minutes turns into her believing that I'm intentionally hiding information from her in an attempt to deceive her, which turns into very hurtful conversations over text message--which I'm trying not to engage in anymore. In a recent text battle, my mom told me to ask my boyfriend if he would ever treat his mother the way I treat her (in her mind, ignoring her, not spending holidays with her, and other "wrong" things I'm doing when in reality I continuously reach out to her and this is primarily due to choices she's making). I didn't respond to her but instead tearfully turned to my boyfriend and instead asked if his mother would ever treat him this way.

My mom is very angry that I see my extended family (people who have committed only minor infractions) because she claims I've taken their side when, in reality, I just want to see my elderly grandparents (whom she is not upset with) while I can. She believes I do not support her at all when I don't completely agree with her opinion or actions. Once she asked me if I would storm out of a family gathering with her if one of my aunts "shot daggers" at her with her eyes; I didn't respond. She refuses to make concrete plans with me, even on holidays, and then becomes extremely angry and spiteful when I find some other way to fill my time, asking me why everything has to be so complicated and making me feel very guilty. She has told me a few times that she thinks about suicide often, but she has never attempted it (as far as I know). She has found a way to ruin many days that should be celebratory, and our interactions constantly fill me with anxiety, anger, and pain. She often decides not to speak to me for extended periods of time and then becomes very angry and hurt that I didn't tell her what I was doing during times when she has literally told me not to speak to her (e.g. when I went out of town to help my sister choose her wedding gown--which my mom was invited to but chose not to attend). She finds a way to make me feel very guilty about the choices she personally makes, and I'm trying to be better about staying out of that trap.

My sister will be getting married relatively soon, and we're all extremely concerned about whether my mom will even attend the wedding, let alone help out with preparations. My sister is distraught over this situation, and I am heartbroken watching it play out and knowing that I'll have to deal with a similar situation in the future. I'm also worried about my mom and feel incredibly bad for her; I know she's suffering, and I wish there were more I could do to help without becoming overly caught up in all the drama. Unfortunately, at this point, I'm starting to feel like I can't deal with this anymore. School is incredibly demanding on its own, and this situation is only more exhausting over time. School has to be my first priority at this point, and I've lost so many hours of studying agonizing over this.

If anyone has words of encouragement, advice, support, or even mutual suffering, I'd be thrilled to hear them. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my entry.

[Sitara]

Welcome clip06, and you're definitely not alone.  I could have written much of this myself.

In any case, some background: I am the youngest child in my family, and I was always the "good" child. My mom always told me everything first, confided in me (I was the first of my siblings to know when she was filing for divorce from my dad and when she started dating my stepfather), and seemed proud of me (but never directly mentioned being proud or happy with what I'm doing, though she constantly brags about me to others). I am in professional school and have always been responsible and hyper-empathic--in many situations, I have taken on a caregiver role in my family, including in my relationship with my mom to a large extent.

Minus the fact my parents are still married, this is pretty much me too.  I never received any real compliments - I usually got something like, "We expected that from you."

I could copy and past much of your post and say "me too!"  My mom also claims a strong intuition, but she calls herself "psychic."  And she always just knows what people are thinking and uses that to justify her poor behavior.  For example, I was once told she just knew I was pissed because of the way I slammed my car door.  (I wasn't mad by the way.)  She's always comparing herself to my husband's mom (who was physically abusive), obsessed with always being better than her.  Our fallout was over some little thing (I showed up on time for a party which she decided I said I wasn't coming to, which sparked a giant family argument).

Basically I completely understand and sympathize with your situation.  Feel free to post more, whether to vent or ask questions.  We're here to listen and help as we can.  I just wanted to let you know that no, you're not alone.

[delaney]

Wow, I can relate to SO much of your post. I am the one my mother is proud of as well but I also committed an unforgivable sin (I moved away) so she struggles with negative emotions toward me. I'm the oldest in my family and very much in a care-giver role toward my siblings, doing things for them my mother wouldn't dream of doing. My mother has extreme paranoia and is always accusing us of talking about her behind her back.

But the part about being angry at you for associating with people she considers her enemy really resonates. My parents had a very ugly divorce several years ago (I want to say like seven or eight?) and my mother hates my father. He's not a huge fan of her either, but he doesn't let it rule his life and she does. My oldest three (out of five) brothers are particularly close to my father and everything they do is seen in relation to our father. If they went out to dinner with her when they visited, she resents that they would have eaten out with my father twice. Or gone to a better restaurant. Or hung around longer having dessert and coffee. She is angry when they come to town and stay with him, but thinks it's perfectly fair that me and my sister and youngest brother always always stay with her when we come to town. She is proud and happy that my youngest brother has cut off my father while I consider it sad that he feels he can't have a healthy relationship with him. It would be one thing if she was happy he had summoned the courage to do something painful and difficult for his own well being, but she's only happy because she hates my father and wishes all us would cut him off. Actually, thinks that we should and that it's wrong that we haven't. She's at war with him and the funny thing is that he doesn't even care. He's moved on, he's at peace. In other words, he won the divorce.  

If I were your sister, I would keep your mother out of the wedding prep as much as possible. No good comes of that. If I had it to do over, I'd elope to Vegas so my mother wasn't involved in the wedding. I loved my wedding, but it wasn't worth the stress.

[clip06]

Thanks so much for your responses, Sitara and delaney. It's really helpful to know that others are also working their way through this impossible situation.

Sitara, I have the same experience with my mom always trying to prove that she is better than everyone else. She finds completely irrational reasons to dislike people and won't let go of "feelings" she has about people she's never really spoken to. She has a strange dislike of my boyfriend's dad, who constantly tells me how proud he is of me and is honestly a really nice person who wants people to succeed. The only "bad" thing about him is that he likes to talk a lot and sometimes play devil's advocate just to keep a conversation interesting, but he says such kind things to me every time I see him, unlike my mom. Ugh.

delaney, I ended up reading your post, and I agree that I can relate to a lot of your story too. My sister always tells me to move away when I can (which will be in a couple years), but I have so many strong friendships here--some since elementary school--and I feel like I'd lose so much of my support system if I were to leave, so I get the feeling I'll end up staying despite everything. My mom also hates my dad, but she's been all right about letting me have a relationship with him. She'll say negative things sometimes and constantly brings up the fact that he used to abuse her (he is a recovering alcoholic and was not the most pleasant man to live with when I was growing up, but he has moved beyond that), but she only really gets mad when I see him on holidays... . even if I make an effort to see her the same day. They've been divorced for fifteen years now.

Whenever my siblings come to town they stay with me (in my 700 square-foot-apartment) since my mom's (2000-square-foot) house is in such a disgusting state and because they don't want to deal with her when they're around. I'm sure that won't be changing, so I feel like I'm taking care of my siblings too in a way, albeit on a much less constant basis than you. I think it upsets my mom, but it would be ridiculous for them to stay with her for so many reasons.

That's an interesting point about wedding plans. Recently my mom accompanied my sister to a floral appointment, and after my mom left the consultant asked my sister if she had offended our mom because "moms are usually so excited and want to provide input." My mom just sat there sulking most of the time. It really upset my sister, and I can see similar things happening to me when I choose to get married. My therapist actually told me that I really need to consider whether my mom deserves to be included in my future wedding, and that was really painful for me to deal with. I want my mom to be in my life, but I also want her to act like a mom, so I know I'll end up being disappointed regardless of whether she's in my life. I find myself wanting to blame her but not being able to since she's ill, but I know I also can't blame myself. I think it'd be easier if there were someone to blame in all of this.

[delaney]

No, you might not be able to blame her that she has BPD but she's still responsible for her actions. Her problems are just that. HER problems. Not yours. It's not your job to fix her. I think as children of borderline moms, we automatically feel responsible for their happiness and a huge amount of guilt when she's not happy. Because we've failed in a job we've had since we were born. To make her happy and fulfilled.

One thing I've been reminding myself a lot lately: Her happiness is not my responsibility. Her depression is not my fault.

I can't fix her. And it's not my job to.

As for wedding plans, I wouldn't make a decision unless you are close to being engaged, but keep an open mind. Wedding planning can be stressful when all parties involved are perfectly sane. You want her to be That Mom who is supportive and excited and selfless. But you have to work with what you've got, not what you wish you had.

[Tayto]

its like a mirror with people with BPD, I have visions of my mother standing on top of a pyramid and lashing the whip to us her spawn !

I remember when I was getting married and as I,m nearly the youngest in our family and had experience of other family weddings I said to my mother one day.

if myself or my wife to be need any help we will ask for it and nothing is to be done unless we ok it first. you see my mother when any of the rest were getting married took over and done as she pleased and invited all her friends to look good about herself.

I said to her, you can bring 6 guests to our wedding to which she replied, if you are going to be like that I,m not going

that's ok I said, but let me know if you are coming and what guests you would like to invite, by the way, if its a thing that you do decide to come and I would love for you to be there as you are my mother. if you start any hit on the day

not even God will save you, I,ve seen you in action at my siblings wedding starting hit and I,m just letting you know in advance that if I hear a word out of you, you will be quietly removed without question.

in my experience with my mother who to be honest I have a great relationship with now these days,you just have to be firm and not get into her world as it can ware you down, I call my moter Krypto as she reminds me of the green rock that wares Superman down.