Really worried

[peppersnap]

Met with DD's teacher this morning to discuss a phased return to school. dd is very keen to go back (gcse's in six months) and obviously the longer she is off, the more catching up she'll have to do and the more stress she'll be under.

The teacher also stressed that he didn't want her relying on her friends for support and only discussing her issues with professionals involved in her care. Partly that was so she didn't get even more maladaptive coping strategies from her peers and also to protect them. He mentioned that her boyfriend in particular shouldn't be feeling he needs to support her too much.

This is something she has talked to me about - she feels she puts too much pressure on him. On the other hand he seems a very stable lad and they seem to very much care about each other. They've been very good friends for a couple of years and going out together for about six months. I feel worried that she is going to split up with him as a knee jerk reaction to what I said after the meeting - I tried to be gentle, stress how important it was for her to rely on adults rather than her friends - of course I said that this was so she could receive the best possible support but her response was 'I don't tell them stuff anyway' which isn't true as she's said on other occasions 'the only reason I'm still here is because my friends talk me out of killing myself.' And I've said, she said she thinks her boyfriend is under too much pressure.

If she breaks up with him I think this will send her on a massive downward spiral. I don't know how to address it; she's completely closed down on me. I tried SET - 'you seem really upset. I really want to support you. I'm sorry if I've said something that's upset you. I can see how this feels really overwhelming and I can see going back to school is stressful. What can I do to help and support you?' but she just closed her eyes and refused to even look at me. I can see her deciding that she is a terrible selfish person who puts her friends under pressure etc.

I've also got in touch with a private child psychologist who specialises in adolescents with emerging BPD to get her an assessment since the NHS CAMHS psychiatrist doesn't seem open at all to the possibility of BPD. he's diagnosed her with MDD and possibly now anxiety but seems convinced that it is just normal adolescent pre-exams stress.

Don't know how to help her. She says her mood is going downhill too.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear peppersnap

I am not sure why everyone is so concerned about her talking to her friends. Did the P ot T tell her not to do this? I would not focus on this too much. She needs support from everyone... . I don't see why this should be limited. At least she is reaching out to someone and that is better than no one.

I am hoping your new P with be able to help her. Is she on any meds to help with her mood? How old is she? School is a big stresser for my dd16 but she is coping a bit better this year. I have to step back a bit and not stress so much about her schooling and that has helped but she has a lot of anxiety issues. I think the key is getting a good therapist she can talk with.

Hopefully your school will have a plan to help her adjust to school again.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, peppersnap 

I'm really sorry that your daughter is having such a hard time; her behaviors sound very similar to my own son (36) when he was in the throes of his BPD. Though he's doing way better now that he's been diagnosed (last March/April) and has been undergoing treatment (Dual Diagnosis Program w/DBT, continuing with Outpatient Therapy, Psychiatric Therapy & Neurofeedback Therapy), prior to all of that in the last almost 11 months, he was very depressed a lot, up and down, which concerned us all of the time.

I agree with jellibeans that having her friends--and anyone else who would be willing--to be supportive of her is a plus, not something to be discouraged. Unless there is some weird extenuating circumstance that makes such a thing wrong?    I also am happy that she will be seeing this new private Child Psychologist who specializes in emerging BPD... . Is that a definite appointment? When is that going to happen? Does your daughter know about it, and is she willing to go?

Please remember that our BPD loved ones have emotional ups and downs, even moreso in teens. She may be depressed today, and tomorrow, but give her some time and compassion, and she may pull out of it the next day. You can help her by continuing to read every single link to the right-hand side of this page (the TOOLS and THE LESSONS), and by learning how to just be there for her.

Have you read "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr yet? Or "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Shari Manning? They have very good information, and will give you a wonderful perspective and better understanding of what she is going through (and what you are going through, too!). Hang in there, peppersnap... . She can get through this, and so can you and your family 

[peppersnap]

Thank you jellibeans and raptreader

The school is not the more forward-thinking when it comes to mental health issues. They finally have a counsellor - got after one of dd's friends took an overdose resulting in a limb having to be amputated. Many of her friends self harm and one has attempted suicide several times. So I think the school is worried they are all reinforcing one another's maladaptive coping mechanisms. However it probably would be better to have more open discussions rather than expecting them all to stop talking about it.

I've now found out that the reason (or part of the reason) she was upset was because some people in the year have been asking why her friends are still friends with her as she's so 'crazy'. To which I said, 'well, that's horrible, no wonder you're upset.' And she said 'obviously.' but she did let me sit with her and today we're going to go out for a walk and have lunch. Huge difference to yesterday.

Yes, I've read Porr's book. Not Manning's, I'll get that next. I am learning as much as I can as quickly as I can and it's tremendously useful. In particular I'm getting better at not taking things so personally and seeing the pain beneath her rudeness and rejection. She's a beautiful soul, she really is, she just hurts so much it's hard for her to show it sometimes.

Yes, dd knows about the appointment. Not sure exactly when it's happening as the psychologist is going to come to our home to assess dd and needs to find enough time in her schedule. But next week I think. DD feels very good about it it; she is the one who brought up the possibility of BPD in the first place and initially it really helped her (bit like your S raptreader) as it finally made sense of what she'd been feeling her whole life. Unfortunately the psychiatrists refusal to evaluate her has been very invalidating so she feels that if she is evaluated she's being taken seriously. The private evaluation may not be much use in terms of getting treatment (I can't afford DBT privately) but it would be enormously useful in terms of us knowing what we are dealing with and might even convince the NHS mental health team that she does after all have BPD no matter what their official guidelines say about people having to be 18 or over.

Feeling more positive today, thanks for your replies. xx