Skewed Judgment

[coastalfog1]

 I can remember vividly our last night as a couple. I was terrified and unable to sleep after she went off the deep end on me. I will never forget that look of hate. All I could think of was I need to get out of this r/s and away from her. Now that I’m away from her all I want is to be back with her. It’s weird because when I was part of the swirling vortex of her life I somehow recognized how insane it was, that I was about to go off a cliff, but now that I’m outside of it I’m miserable. Do I miss her? The excitement? I question my judgment now, was it as flawed when I was with her and I wanted out? Starting to think I need to remember how I felt that last night anytime I start to miss her.

[Learning_curve74]

Hey coastalfog1, what you're feeling is really common among the members here. When we get embroiled in a BPD relationship, it's often said that we pick up "fleas", and we often feel abandonded after the relationship is over.

Here is one explanation from www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html:

Intense relationships tend to hijack all of a survivor's relating capacity. It is like a state of being burnt out. First, while it is very easy to become attached to a very chaotic and inconsistent person, it is simply not possible to form a consistent internal object representation (feeling memory) about them. When separated from the intense partner, the urge to make contact is usually intense because it is a stable feeling memory (or internal object) that makes separation from an important other person tolerable in any circumstance.

Basically what that says is that to get the good feelings you had from her back, you probably need to be around her since the traumatic bonding keeps you from being able to experience the good feelings simply and directly from the memories -- it requires her physical presence or other direct contact. When you start to heal, then it might be possible that you can simply enjoy the good memories, but maybe not until then.

[heartandwhole]

Coastalfog,

I'm sorry you are feeling miserable.  It's really understandable, though, and I know that doesn't make it feel better.  To add to what learning_curve has already suggested, these relationships are like addictions, and when we are deprived of the "drug" we actually go into withdrawal, like any other addict.

No matter how bad things were, there was a temporary payoff that we still crave to soothe our pain.  It will pass.  Let yourself feel what comes up and take really good care of yourself.

What are you doing that is good and healthy for you these days?

Hang in there.  We're here for you.  

[State85]

I can remember vividly our last night as a couple. I was terrified and unable to sleep after she went off the deep end on me. I will never forget that look of hate. All I could think of was I need to get out of this r/s and away from her. Now that I’m away from her all I want is to be back with her. It’s weird because when I was part of the swirling vortex of her life I somehow recognized how insane it was, that I was about to go off a cliff, but now that I’m outside of it I’m miserable. Do I miss her? The excitement? I question my judgment now, was it as flawed when I was with her and I wanted out? Starting to think I need to remember how I felt that last night anytime I start to miss her.

Know how ya feel. When I got back into a r/s with my exgf the second time, it wasn't two days later that I regretted it. Thinking, why did I do that. It is like a drug, you gotta break it. The time I got back with her, it did change... . for the worse. The rages, manipulation, abuse was worse this time around. I'm currently about 4 mos out this time... . this will be the last time. Remind yourself of the awful things that happened, allow them to make you angry if it helps.

[Lol4fun]

I remember the last time I was with mine.  It is hard... . he came over after being out at a work Christmas party... He was blitzed.  We went to sleep then I thought everything was grand when he left... . but, be/c I charged my battareis and did my own thing that day he decided that meant I didn't care about him and didn't want to spend time with him.  Never once did he speak up and say hey I would really love it if we could spend time together today even for a little while.  Hey how about communicate your needs rather than act like everything if fine. If you don't tell me I don't know and that is just unfair to make a judgement that I don't care!

You want to hold onto the good memories but the bad ones creep back in and as you move through the stages you will feel sad/depressed, anger, denial, and then hopefully acceptance.  Right now I'm flipping ANGRY/MAD etc.

[Pretty Woman]

It's the addiction to the rollercoaster which is a part of fleas. You are addicted to the push-pull dynamic.

She pushed and now you crave that pull like a drug.

Well let me tell you... . she could be drop dead gorgeous but ugly as hell on the inside. Your gut instinct was you needed to get out of this.

Your wish was granted.  Trust your gut. I am getting pulled again.

It just brings up all the bad feelings and it's even worse.

[charred]

A BPD gal can idealize you and give what appears to be unconditional love... . if you didn't get much of that growing up it is intoxicating enough for you to ignore all the signs that she is disordered. Once she gets you hooked... you find yourself idealizing her... and responding to her like she was a parent... which is only slightly weird feeling... till she turns hater, then you find yourself taking abuse and trying to rationalize why its your fault. When you split from her... instead of relief... it starts to feel like you had a parent die... very intense feelings. Its all part of trauma-bonding and on both your side and hers it is need based... not love. If you stay in the r/s eventually the sex may seem creepy... but more likely is it will mostly stop. You find all your dreams, goals, confidence... . gone, and spend your days walking on eggshells, trying to satisfy someone that mostly treats you terribly.

Skewed judgment would be going back in to it... . and plenty of us have. I did, over and over... 7-8 recycles, each more horrible than before.

Never is it great again, and each time they turn mean faster, until you can make up, have them clingy and pissed at you within one fairly short conversation.

The amount of hurt is based on how much old hurt you need to work on from your FOO ... . if its negligible... run. If you are dying inside, see a T, look in to mindfulness, read articles and posts on here, and post on here... it helps to get support, express yourself, and get your questions answered.

These weird BPD r/s happen a lot... and can be devastating... . my pwBPD was worst thing that happened so far in my life.

[Pretty Woman]

Charred,

  Wow. Dead on. The sex did get creepy and eventually stopped (my doing). I felt like a caregiver not a lover. I did love her deeply but it became a relationship of trying to be there for her.

And no one was there for me. It wasn't reciprocal. I started to resent her. She would get so angry I wasn't doing enough, giving her enough, was a selfish ass to her. I really lost all attraction. Doesn't mean I didn't love her. I could never get back the feelings we once had once she treated me like shyt and kept recycling me.

[coastalfog1]

Thanks for all the input. I realize I can't go back to her, that would be certain death for whats left of heart and ego. It just sucks being in love with a fantasy and nut. I have made some progress I think, I put in my 30 day notice to move away from this area.I'm hoping 2000 miles is enough distance to start to heal and forget her. I've found a job and a therapist in my soon to be home. This isn't running away is it? Please god 30 days goes by quick and as painlessly as possible...

[charred]

First go round with my pwBPD... I moved 1700 miles away... after she dumped me and started hanging on my neighbor right out my window... decided it was better than shooting someone. Had no phone and that worked... for 20 yrs or so, then FB came along, I got on FB and she contacted me, thought I was over her... heard her voice and was 100% back in her clutches. That I still had strong feelings floored and confused me (was married... it was a disaster... got a divorce, lost a 2nd job due to her, etc.)... all that came from it was figuring out why the connection was so strong... its a primary one like with a parent... after 20 yrs you don't have super strong feelings for a normal exgf.  That also explained why it felt more like a parent dying when it ends... and why its depressing... and why you take abuse and feel like you can't stand up for yourself.

What it hasn't done is show me how to fix whats broke... . that lack of secure attachment that came from a less than perfect FOO... or in my case a pretty terrible FOO. (Mom is waif BPD, dad is malignant NPD).

Oh well...

Glad it clicked for some of you... understanding why is part of getting past it.

[Jayhawk21]

You are spot on. All of you.

I am in probably my 10-11th cycle with my BPD and the push pull can be within minutes.

She not only has mentally and emotionally and physically abuse me, but she is hurting herself: drinking, binging, and I dont want to leave her all alone. I'm all she has.,

It is like a drug. I'm also stuck on the roller coaster.